My Blood, my Conscience and your Soul
by DayDreamingFairy
Summary: Twenty-four year old Bella is forced into Edward's life for a mysterious reason. Will she still fall for him when she finds out he is a vampire who drinks human blood? Rated M for dark themes & lemons to follow. COMPLETE
1. Prologue

_**A/N: This is my first fanfic so I hope you'll like it! Thanks to theotherbella who accepted to beta this story.**_

_**Warning: this story contains some dark themes and graphic violence in some of the chapters...you've been warned!**_

_**The prologue is EPOV but the next chapters will be mostly BPOV. Please review and tell me what you think :)**_

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**My blood, my conscience and your soul**

Prologue

EPOV

Nine years. It has been nine years since I last saw them, since I left them.

I am standing in the dark, carefully hidden. I am holding the letter I received two days ago. Raindrops are falling on my hair, rolling down my temples, over my cheeks, along my jaw. I look down at the note one more time, trying to decipher the secret meaning behind her flawless handwriting.

_Edward,_

_I need to see you; it's important._

_Port Angeles, Saturday, 8pm._

_You'll know where to find me._

_-Alice_

She had never tried to contact me in the past. How long has she known where to find me? What could be so important that she needs to see me?

I am no longer a member of their _family_. I know I don't belong with them, and they don't want me with them. They don't approve of the choices I've made, and Carlisle made it clear that I am not the son he and Esme had hoped for. I would never be, so I stopped trying.

They were hurt by the words I used during that fight. They didn't deserve them.

I always assumed if one of them were to contact me after all these years, it'd be Jasper. Only he truly understood the reasons I had for leaving. For a long time his ability to influence emotion was the only thing that made me stay because he kept me calm. With simply his hand on my shoulder, I was overwhelmed by a sensation of peace. But after some time it became a burden for him. He just couldn't take it anymore… my sadness, my resentment, my anger; the constant struggle was too much for him to bear.

So I left.

I wonder if this is only an attempt to bring me back on the _right path. _Perhaps Carlisle let me explore this alternative the same way you would do with a rebellious adolescent; hoping I would come to my senses eventually.

I don't think I ever will. I finally found some stability, the right balance between who I was and what I am, between the man and the monster.

I can make them see that my lifestyle is as legitimate as theirs.

Why is it so appalling, a vampire drinking human blood? _I_ feed like we're meant to, and _I _don't pretend to be something I'm not. Since we're all going to Hell anyway, why bother?

At least I save a life whenever I end one. I don't save them like Carlisle does, nothing as praiseworthy, but it's good enough for me.

A small drop of water falls from my chin down to the thin, white paper, just under the golden letters of the girl I once called my sister.

I fold it back and put it in my pocket, as I am still buried in the dark.

I am thirsty, and fortunately for me Seattle is full of criminals who shouldn't wander freely in the streets, particularly in this neighborhood. It only takes ten minutes hidden in a dark alley for me to find what I'm looking for.

I save a life. I take a life. And I am sated.

I don't feel guilty like I used to. I don't feel the need to justify myself for what I do, for what I am. With time I became good at it. When it's done, I head back to my apartment and clean up.

Having a home and a car is probably the only habit I kept from Carlisle's way of life. I like having a place I can come back to, a sanctuary.

I sit on my couch with my sketchbook and start drawing. This is my ritual, every time I feed.

It only takes me a few minutes to finish it, and my mind goes back to Alice. The more I think about it, the more nervous I get. What does she expect from me? We are probably just going to fight. Nothing good will come out of this. Nine years is not a long time for us, but a lot has changed since I last saw her.

But for some reason Alice needs me and I have to find out what it is.


	2. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Thank you sooo much to those of you who added my story to their favs/story alerts. You made me happy!**_

_**Again, thank you to my beta theotherbella.  
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_**Also, I don't own twilight, obviously.**_

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**Chapter 1**

**BPOV**

I am on the tips of my toes, trying to reach as high as I can. I stretch my arm and barely touch the top wooden shelf. I grab the edge of a big, brown dusty book then pull. Three other volumes fall and hit me on the head.

_I hate my job._

Of course, my boss chooses this very moment to come find me.

"Bella, could you at least _try_ to be more careful?" She asks dryly.

_I hate my boss._

Ms. Charlotte is the owner of the bookstore; the only one in Port Angeles. She is eighty-two years old, incredibly bitter and spiteful. She hired me because her age prohibits her from doing any kind of physical work, such as carrying heavy books and arranging them on high shelves. And she is always looking for a reason to criticize my work. Unfortunately, my clumsiness makes it easy for her.

"I'm sorry. Did you need me for something?" I ask as I laboriously put the books back in place.

"One of your friends is here to see you. A young lady."

"Oh, ok."

"Bella?" She calls as I exit the aisle.

"Yes?"

"There is a time and place to socialize with your friends. Work is not one of them."

I am fully aware of how unfair she is to me, but I also know that I can't afford to risk getting fired. So, I just nod lightly and walk away.

When I came to work here, it was supposed to be temporary. It had been a year now. I wonder if people will forget about what happened and hire me one day.

I walk to the front door and see Angela standing there with a big smile on her face. "Hi, Bella!"

"Hi! What's got you all excited like that?" I can't help but smile back. Her happiness is contagious.

"I GOT THE JOB!" She shrieks. I had never seen her so excited before; she's usually so quiet, like me. But it is completely justified.

"You mean the job in New York? Your dream job?" I'm talking really loudly myself now, but this is great. She has been waiting for such an opportunity for years; she deserves it more than anyone. I'm thrilled for her, even though she's moving across the country and I won't see her for a long time. "Congratulations!"

We hug for a few seconds before I pull back.

"Angela, we have to celebrate! Tonight we're going to drink to your success. When do you have to leave, by the way?"

"No celebration tonight. I'd like to pack all my stuff before, and then I can relax. So… Saturday?" She looks a little sad for a moment. "I have to leave on Sunday. So no alcohol, I don't want to get there completely hung over!"

"Sunday? Wow!" I'm flabbergasted. She'll be gone in six days.

"Well, in that case we can go to your favorite restaurant and celebrate without getting drunk, like adults. What do you say?" I want her to enjoy her last night here, and not mull over all the things she will miss.

"Ok. You take care of the reservation, and I'll pick you up around 8. And no good-bye presents!"

"Ok."

I watch her leave and I stand there, speechless in the middle of the store for several minutes. I have known her forever it seemed; since high school. She was the only girl who was nice to me when I came to Forks in the middle of junior year, and seven years later we're still friends. We don't really talk that much, and nothing deeply personal, but we shared most of the defining moments of our lives with each other. We graduated high school together, went through our first relationships and first break ups, attended UW together and made new friends together. Well, one friend: Jessica.

I still don't quite understand why she stays with us. Probably because she can dominate every conversation, since we let her ramble and only speak when asked a direct question. She likes to talk a lot, and often about other people's lives. We don't see her much anymore, now that she lives in Seattle; which is fine because I'm not sure I could handle her without Angela around.

But she needs to be here to say goodbye to Angela, so I send her a text.

_**Hi J. A got**_ _**job. Celebrating Saturday, 8:30pm. U know which restaurant! B.**_ _**p.s.: ask M if U want**_

Ugh, Mike. He's the typical, all-American boy with blond hair and blue eyes. He thinks he's irresistible. And funny. Which most of time he is not. The accurate description would be: he tries too hard. He never did anything disrespectful per se, but the weird inappropriate comments he sometimes says can make me a little uncomfortable. He managed to infiltrate our small group of friends because Jessica has a crush on him. This means we tolerate him.

Five minutes after I sent the text, my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.

_**I'm in. called Mike, so is he. See U there.**_ _**J**_

No matter what her plans were, she's always there when we call her. That makes up for all the rest.

I'm still lost in my thoughts when the phone starts ringing in the back room.

"Are you going to answer that, Bella?" I hear Ms. Charlotte's cutting voice coming from behind the bookshelves.

"Of course." I hurry to the back of the store and pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"BELLA?" I jump and move the receiver away from my ear.

"Dad? Why are you yelling?" I ask, and then it hits me. "I forgot to call you last night!"

"Yes, you did! Bella, I was really worried about you."

Of course, the Chief of Police immediately thinks something bad happened. Having an overprotecting father can be annoying, but it's also nice to have at least one parent who cares about what happens to you. I can't really blame my mother. My decision to move to Forks with Charlie damaged my relationship with her. She used to be my best friend, but it has never been the same since. We call each other from time to time, but she's too wrapped up in her own life. I never would have thought I would be closer to Charlie. I go to Forks every Sunday night, and we eat at the diner together so that we can catch up with each other. Our exchanges are as awkward as they were years ago, but I know he cares about me. I usually call him when I get back to Port Angeles.

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep as soon as I got home, and I guess I just forgot." I try to sound repentant but honestly I think he is overreacting. "Why didn't you call my cell phone? I had it on me all day."

"Um…because I left the number at home and I'm at the station. You're sure you're ok?" He asks, finally calming down.

"Yes, I'm sure. Bye Charlie!" I don't feel like being scolded like a child so I end the discussion instantly.

"Ok, bye."

I let out a loud sigh and go back to work.

*****

It's exactly 8pm when I see Angela's car pull up in front of my small house. I was already outside waiting for her. It never takes me a long time to prepare. I put on a pair of jeans and my blue sweater, my brown hair fall down around my shoulders and quickly applied mascara. I was early, so I grabbed my jacket and my surprise for Angela and sat on the front step, the cold wind of late March making my long curls swirl around my face.

I get in the passenger's seat and she frowns.

"Bella –"She begins, but I hold up my hand to stop her.

"I know you said you didn't want any good-bye presents, but I wanted you to have this." I say, glancing at the photo album on my lap. "You can't look at it now, though, because you're probably going to cry, and then I'm going to cry, and if we do we won't be able to stop, so… don't look." I add, looking down at my hands.

The first picture I ever put in it was a portrait of the two of us when we were seniors in high school. Throughout the years I added pictures of every significant moment of our friendship.

"Ok. Thanks. You can put it on the back seat, no crying tonight." She says with a small smile forming in the corner of her mouth. She hates as much as I do these kinds of awkward emotional moments.

I turn in my seat and leave my old album behind her.

She starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. We spend fifteen minutes in a comfortable silence and we're almost at Angela's favorite restaurant, _La Bella Italia._ She parks the car where we always do when we come here, in a parking lot nearby, and we usually walk to the restaurant.

She stops the car and we get out without a word, enjoying our last seconds of calm. Jessica and Mike are already there, sitting on the hood of her brand new Volkswagen. She's batting her eyelashes at him while she's talking and he's completely oblivious to her flirting.

Jessica stops talking mid-sentence as soon as she sees us and they get up.

I let them congratulate Angela and wait a few feet away, hoping to escape all the hugging. We finally head to the restaurant. I can't wait to get there. I haven't eaten much all day and my stomach starts rumbling. As soon as we start walking, Jessica resumes her incessant chatting.

"So, Bella, how was your week?" she asks. She opens her mouth to speak again, clearly not interested in my answer. I can't blame her, I don't usually have anything to tell; my life is miserably uneventful. But I answer anyway.

"My week was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Except maybe Wednesday." I say casually, not really thinking about it.

"What happened Wednesday?" I already have her undivided attention.

"You'll never guess who came by the store." That sounded a little more mysterious than I intended and they all look very intrigued.

"Who?" Jessica's eyes are open so wide they look like they're going to pop out of their socket.

"You remember Alice Cullen?"

"Of course we remember her! Are you kidding me? This girl was _so_ weird!"

"Oh, come on, Jess, she was not that bad." Angela chides.

"Ok, girls, I don't follow you! Who is this girl? And why is she weird?" Mike asks visibly annoyed. He hates being left out of our College recollections.

I decide to explain to him, knowing that Jessica's version will undoubtedly be worse. I didn't bring this up to criticize this girl.

"She was _a little_ weird. She and her boyfriend pretty much kept to themselves. We never even talked to her. She just…I don't know…I guess she just looked at me funny, like she was waiting for something…I don't know."

"So she came to the store, like, to see you?

"No, Jess…" I regret even talking about this. I should have known she would get out of control. "She came to buy a book. She was very polite, smiled even. Nothing weird."

"Yeah…" She's thinking, clearly not willing to let this go. "Oh! And she had this amazing yellow Porsche and -" I cut her off.

"Jess, can you drop it, please?" It came out a little too harsh, but I'm getting upset and all the unwelcome attention is becoming too much. I know I started this conversation but I never had the intention of spending the night talking about a girl I will probably never see again.

Everyone is quiet for a moment before Jessica starts babbling again. I'm thankful that her unlimited stock of random stories allows me to step out of the spotlight.

We finally arrive at the restaurant. After all these years nothing has changed. Not the large wooden tables, not the lamps that spread this warm reddish light. It feels comfortable, like home, safe. The hostess leads us to our usual table, a quiet spot in the corner of the room. I take off my jacket and sit down without looking around. Jessica plops down on the chair next to me and gasps. I follow her gaze and my eyes widen in surprise as I discern in the opposite corner of the room a petite dark-haired girl: Alice Cullen.

She's sitting at a smaller table, across from someone I can't see. She seems tense, upset. They don't seem to be really fighting but this is obviously not a pleasant conversation.

Jessica leans in closer to me and whispers in my ear.

"You can say what you want, but _I_ think it's weird!"

"It's just a coincidence, Jess." I try to sound convincing but I'm not sure I believe it myself.

I'm still staring at Alice. She turns her head to glance at me and I instantly feel self-conscious. She looks at me the way she used to when we were in college, like she is expecting me to do something, but I have no idea what it is.

Ok, maybe it _is_ a little weird.

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_**Please, please review. I want to know what you think!**_


	3. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Thank you for the favs/story alerts and reviews.**_

_**Thanks again to my beta theotherbella for encouraging me.**_

_**SM owns Twilight, I don't.**_

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**Chapter 2**

**BPOV**

"Really, Jess, don't start. Maybe she just moved to Port Angeles." Angela tries to find a reasonable explanation to Alice accidently being in the same place as I twice in four days.

"Maybe." She agrees halfheartedly, but we know she isn't going to drop the subject this fast. "Or _maybe_ she is stalking Bella!"

I look down at the table, trying not to encourage her twisted imagination. I don't believe she's right, but with time I learned that it's best not to engage in an argument with her when she finds a new topic for gossip.

She isn't discouraged by our silence.

"And who is the gorgeous guy with her?"

She must be talking about Jasper, Alice's fiancé; she'd told me the other day that they just got engaged. I mechanically try to peek but Mike is blocking my sight. He shifts in his chair and turns around just in time for me to see the man standing up to leave. That is not Jasper. And if I'm being honest, he _is_ gorgeous. Tall, slender but visibly strong, with bronze disheveled hair and the face of a Greek statue: hard and expressionless. He's looking down, hurrying toward the exit, and within two seconds he's out the door.

Alice is still at her table, typing frantically on her cell phone.

Mike turns back to us.

"Wow, he seemed pretty upset." He says dryly.

Jessica opens her mouth to speak but Angela skillfully cuts her off and moves the conversation onto another subject.

"So Jess, tell us about that girl you just hired." She says, winking at me. Angela always knows how to distract her from her original train of thoughts, which is more than helpful to stop the otherwise endless gossiping.

Jessica loves her job and is always happy to share it with us. She starts a half-hour long monologue about how perfect her new assistant, Lauren, is. I try to listen to her stories but I can't take my eyes off Alice.

She is sitting in her chair, her back straight, and her forearms resting on the table. She drops her chin to her chest, her eyes closed. She isn't moving at all.

The waitress takes our orders, brings our meals and we start eating. She doesn't eat or drink anything, she just sits there.

We talk and we laugh. Alice is so completely still she doesn't seem to be breathing. She remains in this exact position for the entire time we are here.

We finished our meal and we are about to leave when I see her standing up and walking gracefully to the restroom.

I need to follow her. I don't know why; I don't have anything to say to her. I just _need_ to.

I excuse myself and walk down the same hallway Alice had a few seconds ago. I open the door to the restroom and she's there standing in front of me, as if she were waiting for me. I take two steps forward and close the door behind me. She looks at me with her big golden eyes and her face falls. She's in pain.

"Bella, I need to talk to you about something, and you're going to have to listen and accept what I'm about to say, even though you won't understand."

I just nod. For a second I regret following her. Maybe Jessica was right after all.

We stare into each other eyes as she starts talking again.

"I thought I saw something, but everything is still wrong. It is not supposed to be like this. I've waited for a long time and now I'm afraid I might lose him forever." She pauses for a second. Her face is impassive but in her eyes I see the suffering. She's terrified.

My throat tightens and I can only whisper "Who?"

"You saw him. He's my brother."

"The man who was with you earlier?"

"Yes. Edward." Her voice sweetening as she says his name.

I am completely lost. None of this makes any sense.

"Alice, I don't think your family problems are any of my business, really. I'm sorry, but –"

"Bella, you don't understand – I knew you wouldn't – and I can't explain. I'm not allowed to explain. Just listen to what I _can_ tell you, the rest you're going to have to figure out by yourself. I've tried to stay away until the time was right but I can't wait any longer. This is killing me. He needs to come home. When the time to make a decision comes, just remember that sometimes the right choice isn't the safer one."

"Alice, wh -?

She walks past me and when I turn around she's already gone.

I don't know how long I stayed in the restroom alone. After some time, Angela comes in looking for me. She finds me leaning over the sink, my hands gripping each side of it. Her voice startles me and I jump.

"Bella, are you ok? You've been in there for fifteen minutes." She asks worriedly.

"Yes, I'm fine." I try to sound convincing. "Let's go." I add with a small smile. The crease in her forehead tells me she doesn't believe me, but I can't possibly tell her what just happened. I just walk out of the restroom and she follows without asking any more questions.

-----

As we walk back to the parking lot Jessica is still talking, clearly not out of work-related rumors yet. She doesn't bring up Alice again, and I'm happy for it. I won't tell them about my conversation with her. I wouldn't know what to say of it anyway.

Angela and I say goodbye to Jessica and Mike and we get in the car. She turns the ignition and pulls out of her spot. That's when I notice a silver Volvo near the exit of the parking lot...and a tall man with bronze hair is leaning against it.

I recognize him.

Edward.

He's staring right at me and my stomach clenches. As we drive right by him I get a glimpse of his face, and the feral expression on it. His eyes seem so dark, black, and the light of the street lamps makes them appear almost red. At this very second he looks like a wild animal, a predator ready to pounce on his prey.

Angela doesn't stop and drives away before I can comprehend what I just saw. I don't know if she saw it too, or what she thinks of it. I can't ask her, either. If I do I'll have to explain the whole story and I can't.

We spend the entire ride home in silence, but not the comfortable silent we are accustomed to. It's an awkward, heavy silence. She parks the car in my driveway and turns to me.

"You know I don't like to pry, but…I see things, even if I don't say anything. I won't ask you questions, but know that I'm here if you need to talk." She smiles at me sweetly.

"Thank you. There isn't much to tell, really." I don't want her to worry about me. She has enough changes in her life as it is, she shouldn't have to deal with my problems. "I'm gonna miss you, you know."

"Yeah…I'm gonna miss you too." We hug for a moment before I get out of the car and into my house without another word. Everything that needed to be said, had been.

-----

I take a shower and wash my hair hoping it will clear my head, but it isn't very effective. I put on my old T-shirt and pajama pants, turn off the light and lie down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Now that I'm alone, I try to process everything that happened tonight.

Alice shared with me a piece of information that she was supposed to keep to herself. But why? Why is she so desperate about her brother? Why isn't she allowed to talk about it? And more importantly, what does that have to do with me?

Then I remember Edward glaring at me outside of the restaurant. Did he hear Alice tell me all this things? Is it why he seemed so mad?

I try to remember each word she said, turning them over and over in my mind to make sense of it but it's impossible. So many thoughts are spinning in my head and I'm exhausted.

At some point during my reflection I must have fallen asleep because I woke up lying on my bed in the same position. I sit up, reaching forward to grab the blanket at my feet when a strange feeling overcomes me. The atmosphere in my room is heavy; suffocating. I become aware that someone is hiding in my room. I can see a shadow moving closer to me, one step at a time, slowly. I am frozen in place, I can't breathe.

It's _him_.

He takes another step and he is at the foot of my bed, in front of me and I look up. I need to see his face. I gasp as I realize that his eyes aren't black. It wasn't my imagination in the parking lot, they _are_ red; a deep, rich, burning crimson. He looks down at me with the same wild expression on his face he had earlier. I'm scared. I'm prisoner of his gaze, unable to move, and at his mercy. He lifts his right hand from his side, his cold fingers brush against the side of my neck and he suddenly grabs it firmly. I'm terrified. I inhale sharply and scream as loud as I can.

Suddenly I'm sitting on my bed, panting and sweating, but alone. Rays of sunlight are coming from the window.

I had been dreaming.

I try to keep my mind occupied all day long. I take a shower, staying under the water until it runs cold. I make breakfast, (French toast and coffee) and I get my laundry done. I skipped lunch, but cook some meals for Charlie to put in his freezer; I'll bring them to him tonight. None of this worked,however. My mind kept going back to the conversation I had with Alice, and to Edward.

Around 3pm, I'm ready to leave for Forks and I finally come to a conclusion regarding yesterday's events. I don't know what Alice meant, I don't understand, and it doesn't make sense to me. As much as I wish it did, it just doesn't. She seemed to be in so much pain; I wish I could help her but I don't believe I can. I don't see how any of this has anything to do with me.

Since neither of them seem to want to explain to me why their family issues should concern me, here's my resolution: I won't do anything, and try to forget about the whole incident.

I get in my old pickup truck and start driving to Forks. After only ten minutes on the road, my mind starts wandering again. I don't have a radio in my car so I concentrate on the road, on the green trees on either side of it, on the rocks covered in moss, on the horizon. I try to keep my mind from drifting back to the two people who have been haunting my thoughts for the entire day.

I sigh in relief as I pull into Charlie's driveway. Even if he isn't very talkative, it's a good enough distraction and I really need it.

I open the front door and enter the house.

"Dad?"

"In here, Bells!" I find Charlie in the kitchen putting away the fish he caught earlier with Billy, like he does every Sunday. We talk a little and go to the diner, like we do every Sunday. We order the same meals, like we do every Sunday.

I barely touch my food, apart from pushing it around the plate with my fork. Charlie puts his knife down on the table rather loudly and sighs.

"Bells, what's wrong? You haven't said anything…or eaten anything…" He trails off. I can't determine whether he's worried or annoyed at this moment.

"I'm sorry. It's just that Angela left for New York today…you know, for her new job. I don't know when I'm going to see her again, that's all." I smile a little to reassure him. I also don't want him to start interrogating me.

Of course this isn't the reason for my unpleasant mood, but I can't tell him what is actually bothering me. I feel bad for hiding this from him; I feel even worse realizing that I _should_ be sad about Angela leaving. Yet all I can think about is my encounter with the Cullens.

I push all of it aside for now and try to enjoy my time with Charlie.

-----

The drive home is pretty much the same, only I really have to concentrate on the road because it got dark outside.

When I finally make it to my house I immediately call Charlie to tell him that I got home safely. He must have fallen asleep on the couch again so I leave a brief message on his answering machine. I hang up and notice that I have two on mine.

I press play.

"_Hi, Bella, it's Jess. Don't be mad but I talked to Lauren about Weird Alice. Turns out her mother's a nurse at Harborview with Dr. Cullen, and listen to this, he once said he had _five _kids, not four. So I nosed around a little bit and found out that he adopted another boy wh –"_

She was cut off. She was talking about Edward. I stare at the machine, waiting for the next message, my heart beating oddly fast.

"_Ugh, damn machine cut me off! So I was saying the other son was trouble and they got into a fight and he ran away a few years ago, or refuse to come with them from Chicago, something like that, not sure. Anyway, he hasn't seen him since. Crazy, right! Call me. Bye."_

For the first time since I met her I am actually glad that Jessica is inappropriately nosy.

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_**Please, review!**_


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**BPOV**

I want to go home. I'm physically exhausted and morally worn out.

I'm normally not one to complain or cause a dispute, but I'm struggling to remain calm in front of Ms Charlotte's constant attacks.

If I'm being honest, it's partially my fault; I know I'm not in a good mood today. I have been rather unfocused recently, more precisely for the past two weeks, and it's getting worse each day. I keep mulling over Alice's revelations; only she didn't reveal anything useful enough for me to make sense of the conversation we had in that restaurant. I won't try to contact her, though; she told me she was not allowed to talk about it – whatever _it_ is – and I don't want her to get in trouble.

If obsessing over this all day long was not enough, I have been dreaming about Edward every night, too. It's always the same dream and I wake up screaming in the middle of the night overwhelmed by the strangest feeling; fear, mixed with a sensation I can't identify. I'm scared of him, of his terrifying red stare; but I physically can't run away, and I think I don't want to. I usually spend the rest of the night attempting to get rid of this feeling and go back to sleep, unsuccessfully.

I was initially looking forward to going out tonight. I called Jessica a few days after she left me that message, and we had planned to go out tonight. She wanted to repay for me her conversation with Lauren, 'word by word'. I know I shouldn't encourage her prying but I was hoping she would tell me something that would appease my strange fixation.

Unfortunately, she sent me a text earlier today.

_**Stuck at work.**_ _**Can't make it tonight.**_ _**So sorry. Call U later. J.**_

_**-**_

She was supposed to pick me up at work so I'll have to walk home.

I'm not upset with her for cancelling, I understand that she has obligations. So does Angela. I haven't spoken to her since she left. I don't blame her; I realize that her new job must be demanding. It is dawning on me that my friends are achieving their goals and moving on with their lives; and I am stuck at a job I hate because I was held responsible for an incident I had no control over. If only I had anticipated it, though, I would have a career too.

I shake the idea out of my head and concentrate on my task before Ms Charlotte finds me daydreaming again.

-----

I've finished my work and it's finally time to go home. I hurry to the back of the store and grab my jacket without looking up.

"Goodbye, Ms Charlotte. See you on Monday." She glances at me but doesn't answer.

I need to get out of here. I rush to the front door and exit without another word. As I step on the sidewalk I'm taken aback by the rain pouring down on me. The thought of running crosses my mind but I would be out of breath before I'm home, and would probably fall on my face a few times, too.

I start walking as fast as I can, my arms crossed over my chest, and after a minute I'm soaked.

I'm only at the corner of the street when I hear someone calling my name. I turn around and catch sight of a man standing a few feet away, his face is hidden behind his black umbrella. He slowly walks closer to me, allowing me to see who it is. Edward.

I instinctively take a step back and he stills. For a moment I contemplate the idea of going back to the bookstore but he starts talking.

"I…do you know who I am?" His voice is sweet and charming, not hard and menacing like I expected. He's not menacing at all, there's no fury in his eyes. I only see a tortured man.

"Y-yes…you're Edward, Alice's brother." I whisper as I take another step back. I can't decide whether I should trust him. The vision of him in my nightmares is haunting me, possibly clouding my judgment.

"Brother…"he chuckles, shaking his head. "I don't know if that's what I am anymore."

We stare at each other for several seconds before he starts talking again.

"Bella, you're soaking wet, you're going to be sick. Would you accept if I proposed to drive you home?" He smiles tentatively.

He pronounces my name so seductively, my insides clench. I don't recognize this man in front of me. He isn't the one I saw in that parking lot two weeks ago, looking so feral and dangerous. He seems so different now.

When I don't answer he comes a little closer. I don't move this time.

"Bella, I just want to help you. I don't want you walking alone in the dark, in this weather. Please, let me drive you home." I'm disarmed by his dark eyes boring into mine. I want to say yes to anything his might ask of me, but the Chief's daughter in me knows better.

"Why?"

He seems surprised by my question.

"Well, it's raining and you – "

"No, I meant… why do you want to help me?"

"Do I really need a reason?"He says in a low voice. He takes one last step toward me and I'm with him under his umbrella, sheltered from the rain.

"Isn't it better?"

I just nod. I am overwhelmed by his smell, by the sensation of being so close to him. I feel oddly serene now.

"My car is parked down the street, we'll have to walk a little. That is if you accept my offer." He says, never breaking eye contact.

"Yes." I manage to whisper.

He holds the umbrella between us without ever touching me as we walk to his car.

"Bella, can I ask you a question?" the light smile he was wearing a minute ago has faded away and he looks torn again.

"Yes."

"Alice said I was her brother; what else did she tell you about me?"

I should I have known he would ask. Alice told me she was not supposed to talk about this and I don't want him to be mad at her; she was trying to help him, I think.

"She didn't say much, really. She just seemed worried about you."

I look up to see if he's upset and notice his frown.

"I'm sorry she got you involved in this. She shouldn't have." He says, shaking his head again.

"I'm not involved in anything. I don't know anything. I don't understand any of this." I mutter as I stop and turn to face him. He just stands still, looking straight ahead. "But if you don't want me to be drawn in your complicated life, then fine, I'll just walk home." I stare at him, waiting for his answer. I realize suddenly that I don't want to walk home alone, not because of the rain pouring around us, not because of the darkness, but because of him. I don't want him to tell me to go away.

He turns and faces me, looking down into my eyes, our bodies only an inch apart.

"I think it's too late. But for now, just let me drive you home." His gaze is so intent, pleading. I can't look away. The world doesn't exist anymore, there is only us in our little bubble, encircled by a curtain of shadows and rain. My breath becomes heavier, my heart is racing. Then he closes his eyes tightly, his brows furrowed.

"We should go." He says flatly as he turns away from me, bringing me back down to earth.

We walk to his car in a complete silence without looking at each other. He holds the passenger door open for me and I sit. I watch him walk around the car and sit down next to me. The more I see of him, the harder it is to put the pieces together. He seems to be a perfect gentleman, not a troubled young man who ran away. I know I'm missing an important piece of the puzzle, but I'm not sure whether I should look for it or not.

He starts the car, turns on the heater, and then he shifts in his seat to face me.

"God, you're soaked." he sighs.

I look at my clothes, mortified.

"I'm so sorry, I'm ruining the seat, I -" I stop talking when I hear him chuckle. I look up and see him opening his jacket, taking it off.

"I meant you must be freezing, you should take off your jacket and…here, take mine." He leaves it on the console between us and smiles shyly.

"You don't …I can't…" I stammer.

"Please."

He's so incredibly nice to me I feel guilty about spending the last two weeks having nightmares. How could I think I should be scared of him?

"Thank you." I look down at my zipper and start undoing it. He doesn't take his eyes off me as I take off my coat and put it at my feet. Luckily the dark green v-neck sweater I'm wearing is still dry. I can feel his penetrating stare on me and I can't help the blush creeping up my neck to my cheeks, coloring them with a hot pink.

A deep rumble erupts from his chest. He swiftly turns to look through the windshield, trying to cover the sound by clearing his throat.

"You should cover yourself, you must be cold." He says, his voice flat again.

I hesitantly take his jacket, not sure of what caused this sudden mood change. I slide my arms in the sleeves, wrapping myself in it. I'm overcome by his heavenly smell, inhaling it deeply. I don't even notice when he starts driving.

"Bella, could you… what you're thinking about?" he asks curiously.

I look at him confused.

"You seemed lost in your thoughts, and…I'm sorry, that was inappropriate … I apologize." He glances at me sheepishly.

"It's ok. I was just thinking that it's really nice of you to drive me home."

"It's a thirty-minute walk. Weren't you going to call anyone?"

"No, none of my friends live close. Not that I would bother them, anyway." I answer honestly. Then I realize something; he hasn't asked me for directions.

"You know where I live." It comes out more like a statement than a question but I am waiting for a response. I see worry flash in his eyes.

"I, umm… yes, I… I know where you live." He mutters, visibly embarrassed.

"How? And why?"

"I can't tell you, not yet."

"So I'm just supposed to trust you?" I ask in a low voice.

"No, you shouldn't trust me." He answers softly and I can hear the pain seeping through his melodic voice.

We both remain silent for a few moments but all these cryptic allusions are annoying me. I feel a wave of exasperation wash over me, combined with the nerves I've had for two weeks and the lack of sleep. This is too much, I let the irritation take over, unable to keep my mouth shut anymore.

"Why shouldn't I trust you? You seem nice enough ."

"You don't know what you're talking about." He's clenching his teeth and gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"No, you're right, I don't know. Please explain then. What's going on? Why did Alice come to me?"

"I can't – "

"You can't tell me. Right." I sigh, truly disappointed. "Then, what am I doing here, in your car, with you?"

He stops the car abruptly. I look out the window and notice we are in front of my house. He must have driven awfully fast. He doesn't answer my question so I reach for the handle to get out but the door is locked.

"Wait, please." His eyes are pleading again. "I'm sorry. It's just that…there are a lot of things I can't tell you just now; maybe ever."

"This secrecy surrounding you and your family is driving me insane. Please, tell me _something_. Anything." I'm the one pleading now.

He's deliberating for a moment before he speaks again.

"You tell me a secret about yourself and I'll tell you a secret about me." He's smirking slightly as my eyes widen in shock. "You're a mystery to me, too, Bella."

I'm really trying to be upset with him for being so sly but I'm too elated by his interest in me.

"Ok." I sigh in defeat. "What do you want to know?"

"What exactly happened at your previous job?"

"How did you learn about that?" He knows much more about me than I thought. It should concern me but for some strange reason it doesn't.

"That's part of _my_ secret. You have to answer first."

I thought this incident was behind me, that I would never have to talk about it again; but I have to tell him. I desperately want him to tell me his secret and oddly, I feel comfortable enough with him to reveal mine; or at least a part of it.

"My boss was a little too friendly and my ex-boyfriend was a little too possessive. It got out of control and I was blamed for the whole thing." I let out a deep sigh, relieved that I could say it without tearing up.

"I have a feeling that this is a highly edited version of the story."

"Yes. The rest I can't tell you; not yet." I turn his own words against him and he smiles crookedly. I melt at the sight. "Your turn." I offer, trying to concentrate on the conversation more than on his perfect lips.

"The reason I knew about an incident at your former job is because I heard your boss, the old lady, think about it."

"You heard her _think_?"

"Yes, I can read minds." He answers, as if it was the most natural thing. As crazy as it sounds, I don't doubt he's telling the truth. I try to put that piece of the puzzle in its place when it hits me. He heard every mental comment I made about him; his terrifying eyes, my nightmares…or worse: my obsession and his "perfect lips" a second ago. I blush furiously and he starts laughing the most beautiful and melodic laugh I've ever heard.

"Relax, Bella. For some mysterious reason I can't hear _your_ thoughts."

"You can't?"I ask, trying to regain some composure.

"No, but judging by the blush they caused, I really wish I could." He flashes his crooked smile again and my blush is back in full force.

"I… you… I don't…" I mumble incoherently. I'm beyond embarrassed; I can't find anything to say. I just close my eyes, hoping I can calm down if I don't see him. I feel ridiculous and silly.

I shake my head in desperation, and water from my wet hair start rolling down on my face. I try to dry my cheeks with the back of my hand but he stops me.

"Hold on..." he trails off as he slowly reaches for the pocket of the jacket I'm wearing – his jacket. He leans in closer to me; I freeze. He carefully slides his hand in the pocket and lifts his gaze to mine. The world stops once again. I'm lost in the darkness of his eyes, intoxicated by his smell, by his presence, by him.

After a few seconds he pulls something out of the pocket, a handkerchief. He places it on my lap without touching me.

"Take this." he whispers, his eyes still locked with mine.

"Thank you." I breathe.

We remain like this for several minutes, an eternity, his face only inches from mine, completely silent in the semi-darkness of the car. We're so close to each other, but not close enough. I want to reduce the space between us and touch him, his face, his lips. I unconsciously lick my lips and I see his gaze drop to look at them. My breath catches and my heart is beating faster. I lean in closer to him, only an inch, and he swiftly pulls away, his body tense, his eyes closed.

"What's wrong?"I sigh.

He drops his head and closes his hands into tight fists.

"You should go, Bella." He whispers in a pained voice.

"What?" I don't understand his sudden mood change. An hour ago he was begging me to let him drive me home and now he's pushing me away.

Suddenly the weird sensation I always have when I dream of him is coming back to me. I know something's wrong and I should leave but I don't want to.

"You shouldn't be near me. You can't."

"Why are you d– "

"Please, go." He pronounces the words I was afraid he'd say. He doesn't seem angry or upset; he looks resigned. I don't have a choice but to get out of the car.

I take off his jacket and grab my coat as he unlocks the doors without looking up from his lap. I step out of the car, neither of us saying another word before I slam the door shut behind me. I walk to my house under the rain and I lock myself inside. As I hear his car racing out of my driveway I realize I'm still clutching his handkerchief in my left hand.

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A/N: As always thank you so much to the readers who put my story in their favs or on alert. Please review, I love hearing what you think :)

Thanks to my lovely beta theotherbella.

I won't update for about 10 days, but the next chapter will be EPOV, so it's worth the wait!

Also, if you want to know what I'm up too, I'm on twitter DdreamingFairy


	5. Tender Torture

_**A/N: I'm updating earlier than I expected, thanks to my beta theotherbella; she's just that great!**_

_**Enjoy :)**_

* * *

**Chapter 4- Tender Torture  
**

**BPOV**

Edward left; I'm standing in my kitchen, speechless. Water is dripping from my hair and clothes on the kitchen floor.

_Why did he push me away? Why did he leave so suddenly?_

I strip out of my wet clothes and climb up the stairs. I go straight to the bathroom and in the shower. Hot water is falling down on me.

_I'm not crazy, something happened between us. _

I quickly wash my body and my hair and get out of the shower. I've been soaked enough for tonight.

_He told me he can read minds. He must trust me at least a little to reveal something so personal. So why ask me to go away?_

I dry my hair, put on my pajamas and go lie on my bed. I find myself staring at the ceiling exactly like the first time I saw him, two weeks ago.

Once again I'm utterly confused because of Edward. Our conversation brought more questions than answers. He's keeping so many secrets; he's so mysterious about everything. One minute he's charming and seductive; and the next one he's cold and distant. The only thing I know for sure: it's unconceivable for me to forget everything and stay away from him.

I've never been so obsessed before, about anyone or anything. Being with him brought such unfamiliar sensations, I never thought this kind of attraction could exist. It was so intense to be so close to him; now I feel like I'm missing something. I need more of him.

He kept saying I shouldn't be near him; yet he was so nice to me, how could he be as bad as he pretends to be? I know he has a dark side, a part of him that I should be worried about, and I am; but not enough to stay away. Plus, Alice implied than I was supposed to help him somehow; only I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. What do I have to offer him that would be valuable to him?

I have to find out as much as I can about him; and if he won't tell me himself, I know just the person who will be more than happy to investigate: Jessica.

I'm so tired it doesn't take me long to fall asleep. As usual I wake up in the middle of the night but something is different; I hear a buzzing sound in the background. I concentrate and recognize the sound of a car. As I look out the window I notice Edward's silver Volvo parked in front of my house. I impulsively run down the stairs, out the front door and I'm standing in my driveway in my old grey pajamas. I feel self-conscious for a second until Edward motions for me to get inside the car.

I'm sitting next to him, facing him, waiting for him to speak. He just stares at me, completely silent, as a few minutes pass. Then he leans in closer to me, his black eyes boring into mine. He lifts his right hand, his cold fingers brushing against the side of neck, tangling in my hair. He pulls me to him, slowly, bringing my face closer to his. I close my eyes, breathing raggedly. His lips barely touch mine and my entire body shivers. He pulls away slightly, and then brings his lips back to mine, this time more forcefully.

My head is spinning, I have never felt this way in my whole life. I'm lost in him and it's heavenly. When he pulls away again I open my eyes. I gasp as I notice his stare, deep, burning red; and the devious smile twisting his mouth. I take a deep breath as he tightens his grip on my neck and I close my eyes.

Suddenly I'm sitting on my bed, alone and panting. I had been dreaming again, but I wasn't scared this time.

-----

**EPOV**

I watch Bella walk to her house under the rain and close the door behind her. She's gone.

I pull out of the driveway, the tires screeching on the pavement. I need to get away from her and fast.

How could I let that happen? How could I get so close to her when I know how dangerous I am? She doesn't deserve this.

I don't deserve her.

She's so beautiful, perfect. Her big chocolate eyes, her long brown curls, and her blood, flowing in her veins and calling to me. Ever since I caught her scent in that restaurant, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her.

I knew Alice was scheming when I perceived her thoughts coming from inside _La Bella Italia_. She was counting backward from five hundred in Spanish; she uses a similar ruse whenever she wants to hide something from me. It isn't very imaginative but it's efficient.

She wouldn't explain to me why she had contacted me. She just sat there, counting. Then _she_ came in and I couldn't even look at her. Her smell was enough to torture me. The overpowering aroma of her blood was burning my lungs, my tongue was aching to taste and my throat was waiting for the dark liquid to flow and ease the pain.

Alice started talking to me but I couldn't listen. The pull was so strong, I had to leave. I didn't look up and rushed out of the restaurant, away from this girl. Just as I was exiting through the front door I heard her name in Alice's mind, Bella, and saw an image of her face. She looked like an angel.

I started to run away. I needed to return to Seattle, where it was safe; where _she_ would be safe. I tried to but I had to come back; I had to see her with my own eyes, not through someone else's mind.

I waited for her in the parking lot. She finally came out and I saw her, I smelled her. The attraction was so intense I barely restrained from attacking her. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't see anyone but her; I couldn't hear anyone's thoughts.

I've never wanted someone's blood so much; but I would never attack an innocent. That's a line I won't cross.

I got to see her angelic face for only a few seconds before the car drove away.

I've been observing her since that night. I followed her to her house, to work and even to her father's home in Forks. One of my motivations is that I need to be sure she's safe. This feeling is very new to me: I can't bear the thought of her being hurt. I know better than anyone how dangerous it can be for a fragile young woman like her; I want to be there to protect her if necessary.

Of course the other reason is much more selfish. I witness her interacting with people, mainly her boss and her father. Most importantly, I catch glimpses of her past, of who she is, through their memories. What I get to see isn't always pleasant; things like her father's memory of Bella with a tall dark-haired boy; or the bad opinion her boss has of her due to some mysterious "incident". Things like hearing her scream my name in the middle of the night, terrified.

Truthfully, all of this is nothing compared to the feeling of being near her. My senses are overtaken by her scent, the thirst burning my throat. The sound of her heartbeat is deafening, the smell emanating from her skin is deliciously torturous. I need it, even if it's only from a distance. I pace like a caged lion when I'm not surrounded by her. She's the only thing that matters, now; I'm addicted to her.

I never planned to get so close or to talk to Bella; but tonight she gave me the perfect excuse, I just couldn't resist. I could pretend that I didn't want to risk her getting sick, or worse, attacked; but that's not the truth. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to see her brown eyes look back at me; and even thought she shouldn't, I wanted her to feel safe with me.

It was the perfect opportunity. Although I never thought it would get that far. I never thought she would trust me so willingly. Yet there she was, trapped in my car, baring a part of her soul to me; and it felt so natural to reciprocate.

She wasn't afraid of me. I've been with enough women to recognize the signs instantly: the accelerated heartbeat, the ragged breath, and more infrequently, the blush. She was attracted to me.

She's probably not conscious of the effect her blush has on me. That particular reaction is the most tempting thing I've ever set eyes on, both as a vampire and as a man. She doesn't realize how difficult it was for me to restrain myself; I was intoxicated by her smell in the confined space of my car. I wanted to pull her body to me and take her, in every way I could.

I could barely contain my thirst for her, yet she was next to me, trusting, surrendering, completely oblivious to the danger. She leaned in closer to me, wanting more, and I couldn't do it. I had to stop her, I couldn't risk hurting her.

I've never lost control before because I'm accustomed to human blood; but she's different, special. I'm not sure I could resist and stop before I went too far.

I can't take that chance with her. I have to stay away from her.

---

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by my phone vibrating in the pocket of my jeans. I park the car by the curb and take it out to look at the text I just received.

_**Edward, you should have listened to me.**_

_**You need to know what I saw. Especially now.**_

_**Your sister.**_

-

I put the phone down on my lap to avoid smashing it into pieces.

I know the only motive Alice had to contact me was for me to meet Bella. As much as I'm thankful for that, I also hate her for it. How could she put Bella in so much danger? What if I had killed her that night? I don't know what premonition my psychic _sister_ had and I don't care. What could be so important that it would be worth putting Bella's life on the line? She had no right.

She always wanted me to come back to them; would she be willing to use Bella if it served that purpose? What I'm experiencing is the same issue that triggered the fight and caused me to leave; so what changed? Why would it be acceptable, now, to sacrifice a human life?

I lift my gaze to look through the windshield and I realize I parked the car in Bella's street, almost in front of her house. I unconsciously came back to her.

If I have to leave to keep her safe, protected from the animal that I am, I want to feel her presence one last time. I need to hear her heart beat, smell her delicious scent, and hear her breathe one last time.

I get out of the car and walk to her house. I'm standing under the window of her bedroom. The lights are off but I know she's there, I can hear her even breath; she's sleeping. I dexterously climb inside her room through the window, careful not to wake her.

I've come here every night for the last two weeks without her noticing. Every time it has been pure agony. I stand next to her; I watch her sleep, tossing and turning in her bed. Every night a crease appears on her forehead and she clutches the sheets tightly. I hear her whisper my name in a weak, frightened voice; and I have to leave before she wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs, petrified.

I watch her sleep once again, hoping the little time we spent together was enough to appease her fear.

I can't take my eyes off her. She's on her bed, lying on her back. She's wearing her old grey pajama pants and a white tank top, close-fitting enough to reveal her luscious curves. Her head is turned to the side, her shiny long curls sprawled around her face. Her right hand is resting on her stomach; her left hand is near her face, holding the handkerchief I gave her earlier close to her nose. She's smelling it; she's smelling _me._

My throat tightens; I feel vulnerable and defenseless in front of her. I fall down on my knees at the side of the bed. I'm so close to her, I barely resist the urge of touching her.

Her lips part slightly and she sighs.

"Edward…" it's almost inaudible but I have no doubt she said my name.

I stay frozen in place. She's still asleep; she's dreaming of me. Not having a nightmare, not screaming in terror like she usually does; but dreaming.

She moves her right leg to turn on her side, facing me. She buries her nose deeper in my handkerchief, inhales deeply and moans. I watch her in awe and the craziest vision crosses my mind. A vision of her in my arms, giving herself to me completely. Her skin is cold, her heart is still and her eyes are blood red, just like mine. She's beautiful.

I swiftly get up, shaking my head. I try to erase the image from my mind but I can't. I watch her lying on her bed and all I can think about is her being with me, like me, forever. I want her so much it hurts.

I could take her now. I could put my hands on her, all over her body, and kiss her until she can't breathe. I could make her feel so much pleasure. I could lick her lips, her neck and feel the blood pulsing through her warm skin.

Then I could sink my teeth deep inside her throat, slowly, and get a taste of her. I could make her mine forever.

I clench my teeth as venom fills my mouth.

I take a step back and observe her; she's so peaceful, an angel. I can't do that to her, not like that. I quietly exit her bedroom and hurry back to my car without a glance back.

I take the driver seat and just sit there for a while. My entire body is aching at the thought of what I left behind: my singer, my mate, my other half.

I never thought it was possible to be in so much pain. I know the right thing to do, but deep down that's not what I want; I want her.

I shouldn't be so selfish; I should leave her alone.

Alone. Unprotected; I can't do that either. I can't let anything happen to her. I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt her.

I'm fully aware of what a hypocrite I am but I can't help it. I've waited for her for so long; and now that she's here I can't let her go.

Once again I'm startled by the buzzing of my phone. I peek at the small screen and answer.

"Hey, Alice."I say, desperation seeping through my voice.

"_Edward, where are you?"_ She sounds agitated.

"Judging by your tone of voice, I take it you've seen what I just pictured in my head."

"_Pictured? It seemed more like `meticulously planned' to me."_ She snaps.

"Well_, you_ sent her my way, Alice. Why do you care, now?" I don't mean to be so hard on her but she caused this situation after all.

"_I may have sent her your way, but that's not what was supposed to happen."_ She seems truly pained now. _"Let me tell you what I saw, Edward."_

"I don't want to know. And don't worry, I won't turn her, I'll stay away from her. Despite what Carlisle thinks, I still have some morals. By the way, does he even know about Bella?"

"_No."_ She answers quietly and I chuckle. _"Edward, staying away from her isn't the solution either. Maybe there's a third option._ _If you came here we could talk about this."_

"I won't come back, Alice. No matter what happens, I won't come back." I hang up the phone before she gets a chance to answer.

I instantly feel bad about it. I know she means well. She's worried about me and she thinks I need her help. Unfortunately she's always caught in the crossfire between Carlisle and me. He won't help me with this dilemma, just like he refused to help me before. He never listened to me, he never tried to understand. So there's no point of going back to them.

I put the key in the ignition and I'm about to leave when I notice light coming from Bella's bedroom window. She woke up. She's alone in her room, like every night, only tonight she wouldn't be afraid if she saw me.

Without thinking I step out of the car and lean against the open door. I keep my eyes locked on her window, hoping I can catch a glimpse of her. I see her shadow move across the room, and then she appears. She saw me, she's looking right at me, leaning against the frame.

I remain still and silent, I don't know what else to do. What would happen if I went to her?

We stare at each other for several long minutes, neither of us moving. I can discern the frown she's wearing, undoubtedly wondering what I'm doing here.

I want to explain to her; I want to tell her everything. I would if it didn't mean her running away from me in fear. If she knew the truth about me, about what I am, she wouldn't want me anywhere near her.

Without taking her eyes off me she slowly lifts her hand and puts it against the glass. She's not frowning anymore; she's…waiting.

Is she waiting for me to go to her? Is this a sign, is she inviting me in? She smiles tentatively and I'm about to run to her door; but I'm startled by my phone vibrating again on the center console of the car.

I hesitate to look who it is, but only one person would send me a text at this hour. I quickly pick it up and read it.

_**Patience. Please.**_

_**Alice**_

-

I look back at Bella who hasn't moved an inch the entire time.

I hate to admit it but whatever she saw, Alice is probably right, I must be patient. I need to be careful with Bella, I can't act on impulse or I'll end up hurting her, one way or another.

I'm dangerous for her; I already came too close to killing her. Twice.

I smile shyly at her and get in the car. I turn the ignition and start driving back to Seattle. She stands at her window until I'm out of sight and it feels like atrocious torture to leave her.

I need to distance myself from her if I want to be able to think clearly. Her blood, her smell, her body; everything about her is clouding my head. I need time to ponder, to decide what I'm going to do about this strange attraction we evidently both feel.

I doubt that I'll be strong enough to stay away from her, if this is what I decide. My entire body aches again at the thought of losing her.

My mind drifts back to the image of my beautiful red-eyed Bella. I grip the steering tightly, gathering all my resolve not to turn around and go back to her.

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_**A/N: So tell me, do you want to see more EPOV in the next chapters or should I stick to BPOV? Let me know what you think!**_


	6. What I feel

**Chapter 5 – What I feel**

**EPOV**

I'm finally back in Seattle. I open the door to my apartment, then close it behind me.

Leaving Bella was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I nearly turned around several times. I want to stay with her; I want to be with her. I can't focus on anything but her, she's in my every thought.

I make my way to my brown leather couch and sit down. It feels wrong.

My apartment is supposed to be my sanctuary, my safe-haven, my home. Yet all I feel is emptiness. The silence filling the room is unbearable; the smell is sickening.

I miss her. I miss the sound of her heartbeat, the sweet smell of her skin, the delicious aroma of her blood.

I came back here to think, to clear my head and come to a reasonable conclusion about the recent events with Bella, what I should do about these developments. The predicament is that I already know what the reasonable decision would be. Yet, I can't agree to it.

I remain in the exact same position for the most of the day, afraid that if I move, I'll run to my car and drive back to her. I contemplate every single possibility that I can think of. I reject them all instantly, none of them satisfying enough, either for me or for her.

The safest alternative for Bella is for me to leave, to move across the country, or in Europe. I could go as far away as possible from the temptation she represents. She would never know what I really am, she would remain innocent, sweet, and alive. She would savor the life she deserves and be happy. She wouldn't remember me, in the arms of a strong caring man.

As soon as I envision her with another man holding her tight and making her laugh, a low growl erupts from my throat. I've never been jealous before but I can recognize the sentiment. I can't bear the thought of her being with anyone other than me. She's supposed to be with me, her blood was designed for me. She's mine.

I'm not selfless enough to let her experience that life away from me; but I'm not malicious enough to claim her like an animal without considering her feelings.

I struggle to keep at bay the image of Bella looking at me with piercing red eyes. As appealing as it is for me to share my days and nights with her for eternity, I won't take away her life for my sole happiness.

Between those two extremes is the option of explaining everything to her; what I am, what I do, how I feed; and hope for the best. Again, the idea of her running away from me is insufferable. She wouldn't understand if I told her the truth, she would never believe that I'd never hurt her. She would be scared and order me to disappear.

The mere thought of her rejecting me is excruciating. I need to find another alternative. Anything.

Hours pass and I'm still sitting on my couch, my elbows propped on my knees and my hands pulling at my hair.

I could watch her from afar. I've done it for two weeks, I could do it again.

I'm afraid she would only see me as a creepy stalker if she found out, and she would be right. Plus, I already crossed the line yesterday by approaching her, and I'm sure I would do it again. Being around her scent and seeing her from a distance isn't sufficient anymore; I need to be close to her, to hear her voice. I want her to look at me and smile at me. I want her to bury her nose in my chest and smell me like she did with my handkerchief. I want to hear her sigh my name and moan.

The last option I can think of is to be with her but keeping her ignorant regarding the nature of my secrets. I don't know if I could lie to her and conceal such an important part of myself, but it might be the only way I get to be near her. It would give me more time to sort this through, and the right choice might stand out more clearly after some time.

As long as I promise not to hurt her, why not get to know her? We'll see where it leads.

I'm trying to convince myself but deep down I know I'm only being selfish. I'm searching for excuses to approach her when I know I shouldn't. This is only for me. I need her.

I can consider every potential alternative to this situation, the result will always be the same: I won't be happy without her, and she will be in danger with me.

Perhaps I can come to a fair compromise.

I won't force myself into Bella's life, but I'll stay around until she asks me to go away and leave her alone. This is what I've decided.

I jump off the couch and storm into my bedroom to change clothes. Not wanting to waste another second, I hurry to my car and start driving to Port Angeles.

I drive fast; too fast, even for me. It has only been half a day but the anticipation of seeing Bella again is killing me, so to speak. The memory of her scent, of her singing blood is eliciting a burning sensation in my throat. The vision of her brown eyes, of her lips whispering my name is setting off a whole new range of uncontrollable emotions in me and my foot pushes harder on the gas pedal.

I make it to Port Angeles in a record time and park my car in front of her house. She's not home, but her old truck is in the driveway.

Jealousy is slowly building back up in my chest, along with a primal need to find her and see who she's spending her day with.

I head back in town, concentrating on every thought I can hear, hoping some bystander might have seen her and will show her to me.

After a few minutes I get a glimpse of her face in a girl's mind. It was furtive but it was Bella. I focus on this girl; she's in a store, buying clothes and she throws a glance at Bella every few seconds.

I follow the rambling of her mind and find the store they're in. I park the car across the street, nervously waiting for her to come out. I don't know what I'm going to do when she does; I'll improvise, depending on her reaction when she sees me. I step out of the car and lean back against the closed door, my eyes fixed on the store entrance.

-----

**BPOV**

I'm lying in my bed, half-asleep, trying to reach my vibrating cell phone on the night stand with the tip of my fingers. I'm not very successful; I have to open my eyes and sit up. I haven't had much sleep last night between my nightmare and Edward's visit. I'm tired.

I finally get hold of it and answer without checking who it is.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me. Are you ok?"

"Hey, Jess. Yes, you just woke me up, that's all."

"Well, good! If you're ok why did you text me at 3am? What do you need to talk to me about?" she asks, feigning to be upset; but I know she's actually intrigued.

"I'm sorry, I had just had a bad dream and I didn't realize it was the middle of the night. You didn't answer, are you free for lunch?"

"Of course, I'll pick you up around 1?"

"Ok, see you then." I hang up the phone to avoid the expected series of questions. I still plan to enroll her to find information about Edward, but I want to talk to her face to face.

I have three hours to kill before she comes. It's more than I need to get ready. I know it's pointless to try to occupy my mind, Edward's in my every thought.

What was he doing in front of my house last night? I should probably be worried, but if his intention was to hurt me, he had the opportunity to do it, and he didn't. I saw the expression on his face when I was at my window; there was nothing threatening, I think it was anticipation, maybe even hope.

I wonder who sent him the text that made him leave. It never occurred to me before that he might have a girlfriend. It would explain why he shouldn't be near me, why I shouldn't trust him. It doesn't elucidate Alice's enigmatic confession, though.

I don't believe this to be his secret; having a girlfriend is too trivial to be the burden he seems to be bearing.

I wander around the house, waiting for Jessica to arrive. I try to prepare in my head the questions I'm going to ask her. I want her to help me, but I don't want to sound too desperate.

When I finally see her car I storm out of the house and get in the seat next to her.

She spends the fifteen-minute drive to the restaurant talking about Mike, who she's now dating. I'm really happy for her but I'm fidgeting and getting impatient; I have another topic in mind.

She parks the car in front of a small restaurant I've never been to.

"Have you ever eaten here before?" I ask curiously.

"No, but I figured there'd be less risk of Weird Alice being in this place; it's a steakhouse and I've heard she's a vegan." I try to hide my excitement when she tackles the subject I've been obsessed with, but she sees right through me. "Yes, I know that's what you want to talk about." She adds with a smirk.

We sit down at a table and order our meal without speaking, which is more than unusual for Jessica. As soon as the waiter leaves, she turns to me expectantly.

"I know something's going on, so tell me everything." I never noticed she was so intuitive. Maybe I'm not as subtle as I thought I was.

"It's not really important. I was thinking about Alice and what you said on the message you left me. What did you learn exactly?" I ask casually as I can manage, given the circumstances.

"Honestly I don't remember the _exact_ conversation with Lauren; it's been two weeks. Basically it's what I told you on the message: there was a fifth son who didn't come with them from Chicago. They had a big fight and they haven't seen him since. Do you think that's the guy who was with Weird Alice the other night?"

I avoid her question. Answering would reveal too much to her.

"Did you find out what the fight was about?"

"No, nobody knows."

"And you never heard of him back in College?" I don't even try to disguise my interest anymore.

"No, for everybody there was only four adopted children. They all kept discussing how bizarre it was that they were dating each other, but no one ever mentioned him. The few people I asked about this were very cryptic, I couldn't even find out his name."

She seems almost disappointed in herself. It feels so nice to talk to her about this, I decide to give her something in return.

The waiter brings us our drinks and I wait for him to leave to tell her.

"His name is Edward."

She stares at me for a while, her eyes wide open and her jaw dropped.

"How the fuck do you know that?" she asks, still not blinking.

I realize that I have to expose at least a part of the entire story if I want her to help me. I carefully edit the truth and answer.

"Alice told me. When I went to the bathroom that night, she was there. I was curious so I asked her who was with her, and she just told me."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you talk to Weird Alice." She's really upset, now, and I'm getting annoyed, too.

"Could you stop calling her _Weird Alice,_ please? And since you're getting all worked up, I should also tell you I actually met Edward."

"What? When?" She stops blinking again.

"Yesterday night; and it's because of you, actually. I had to walk home after work and it was raining. He was there and he offered to drive me home."

"Hold on a sec. He just _happened_ to be there? And you didn't think it was weird? Please tell me you didn't get in the car with him."

I just look at her apologetically and she lets out a loud sigh.

"Bella, are you suicidal or something?"

"Jess, you're overreacting; and I don't want to fight with you over this." She relaxes slightly and I continue. "He was really nice yesterday, but I'm still not sure whether I should trust. Do you think you could find out more about him?"

She doesn't answer immediately.

The waiter brings us our dishes and once again she holds back her next comment until he's left.

"I've never seen you interested in my gossiping before. I've always tried to keep it down around you and Angela because I knew you disapproved. And now _you_'re asking me to snoop around? You're totally crushing on this guy, aren't you?"

"Possibly." I answer hesitantly.

"Are you kidding me? Why him? Why this family? Why do you always fall for the wrong guy?" she's shaking her head in desperation.

"I don't!" I snap. Honestly, I'm a little offended.

"Yeah, you're right, Jake was the best boyfriend ever." She says sarcastically. "He even offered your boss a two-week stay in a lovely room at the hospital. How nice of him!"

"Jess, please…" I trail off, looking down, bracing myself on the table.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don't want you to get hurt again, that's all." She recognizes. She knows she crossed a line.

"It's ok; you're not entirely wrong, anyway. But this feels different. Can you help me? Please?"

"I will, but I can't promise you I'll discover anything more." A big smile lights her face and she adds "One condition, though…"

"What condition?" I counter, pretending to be annoyed.

"There's this new store that opened down the street, we have to go shopping. It'll get your mind off things."

I nod and smile lightly. I knew she'd accept; the least I can do is go to one store with her.

We finish our lunch without mentioning Edward or Alice again. She has a million details to share with me about her new relationship with Mike. I make the effort of listening to her, even if in my opinion some of her stories should remain private.

Once we've finished eating we head out to this new store, like I promised. We spend nearly two hours inside as she tries on every possible outfit. I stopped paying attention some time ago and just assure her that everything looks good on her whenever she pauses her babbling long enough to ask.

She ends up buying more clothes than she probably should; and definitely more than I could ever afford.

After what seemed like a lifetime in Hell, we finally exit the store. I step on the sidewalk and look up, pleasantly surprised that it has stopped raining.

I freeze when I notice Edward across the street. He is leaning back against his Volvo, looking right at me.

"That's him, right?" Jessica asks in a whisper.

I just nod, not taking my eyes off him. He momentarily glares at Jessica and frowns, slightly shaking his head.

Is he listening to her thoughts?

He brings his gaze back to me, causing my embarrassing blush to appear. My thoughts were safe when I was in the car with him; but now he knows what I think of him. I told it to Jessica, and she's unconsciously repeating everything to him.

The words echo in my head.

"_You're totally crushing on this guy, aren't you?" __"Possibly."_

I start to panic when I realize that he doesn't seem happy about it.

Suddenly his expression changes, a shy smile forming in the corner of his lips just as Jessica starts speaking again.

"It's _so_ obvious you want to go talk to him. I can wait, you know." She offers.

I turn to her to answer but in my astonishment I trip over my own feet and fall back against the wall. I hit my head pretty hard and end up on the ground.

Jessica drops her bags, reaching under my arms to help me get up and lean against the wall. A second later Edward is standing in front of me but I don't want to see the look on his face. The ground was wet from the rain so my pants are damp, and I've never felt more humiliated in my entire life.

"Bella, are you ok?" Jessica asks. She has seen me fall plenty of times in the past but for once she seems worried.

"Yes, I'm ok. I'm fine. I just tripped on something." My shameless lie seems less pitiful than the fact that I'm dangerously uncoordinated.

My heart stops for a second when Edward says my name.

"Bella, you hit your head, perhaps you should go to the hospital." His voice is so sweet and melodic, my head is spinning. Or maybe it's the concussion, I'm not certain.

Just as I look up to his face he turns to Jessica, clearly annoyed.

"I can take her if you have to head back home. You live in Seattle, right?"

"I don't need to go to the hospital, I'm fine." I plead, but they're not even listening.

"Thank you, but I think I should stay with her." She replies. "No offense."

He faintly narrows his eyes at her.

"None taken." Then he turns to me. "Bella, your lovely friend has a long drive ahead of her and maybe she needs to get up early tomorrow" He pauses a second and winks at me. He's cheating, he knows exactly what she's thinking and she won't be able to argue. I can't help but smile. "I could take you to the hospital myself. I promise to make sure you're ok." He says in a low, sultry voice and I'm lost in the darkness of his eyes again.

Jessica clears her throat to snap me out of my reverie.

"Well, if it's ok with you, Bella, I guess Edward could drive you." She's waiting for my answer with a knowing smile on her lips.

"Yes, it's ok. Thanks for today."

"No problem. Take care of yourself." She adds before walking back to her car; and I know she's not referring only to my head.

I look back at Edward; he's watching Jessica leave. He turns to me, smirking, and asks.

"Is Mike her boyfriend?" I just nod. "Apparently, she wishes he was more like me."

I chuckle and the sound resonates in my head, making me grimace and hold my forehead. His face falls instantly and he lifts both his hands, reaching for me, almost touching me. He stops abruptly and drops his hands.

"Do you need help to get to the car?" He seems genuinely worried.

"I don't know. To be honest I feel a little dizzy."

"Do you…Do you want to take my arm?" He asks hesitantly. I can see his Adam's apple move as he swallows thickly.

For a second I'm glad I hit my head, if it means I get to touch him.

"Yes, thank you." I answer timidly.

He takes a step toward me, smiling tentatively, and nervously holds his arm out to me. I slowly take hold of his arm and pull myself off of the wall. He stares at my hand gripping his arm for a moment and starts walking.

I'm more unsteady than I thought; after a few steps I need hold him tighter if I don't want to fall again. I put my other hand on his forearm and pull myself closer to him, my side touching his arm. He tenses a little and I'm expecting him to pull away, but he just keeps walking.

We arrive at his car; he opens the door for me and helps me sit down before getting in the driver's seat.

"Thanks for driving me… again."

"You're welcome… again."

The motion of the car is making me feel a little nauseous; I inhale deeply and I'm instantly overwhelmed by his smell. I realize only now how much I've missed it. I don't want to waste one second I get to spend with him daydreaming, so I try to keep my mind focused on him.

"How come you always appear out of nowhere? Not that I'm complaining."

"Well, I was just around, in case you needed a driver. Which seems to happen quite often these days." He chuckles.

"You were _around_? Like last night in front of my house? Are you watching me?" I mutter.

He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, he looks pained.

"I'm not stalking you. I'm sorry if my presence bothered you."

I feel awful, I didn't mean to attack him like that; but it's the second time I'm in a car with him. I need to know if I can trust him. I need answers.

"Your presence doesn't bother me. But I'm not sure whether it should worry me." I state honestly.

"No, my presence shouldn't worry you. Other things should, though."

"Such as…" I trail off, waiting for him to explain.

"Bella, why do you always want to have these profound conversations when I'm driving and you're in a horrible condition?"He asks, and I think he's more amused than annoyed. "I'd like to be able to look at you when I'm telling you this."

"Ok," I concede, "but at least answer this: when we got out of the store, what was Jess thinking that made you frown?" I cross my fingers, hoping he didn't hear the confession of my attraction to him.

"You asked her to nose around, to find information about me." He runs his left hand in his hair, trying to find the words and once again I feel awful. "I don't blame you, Bella, I know I'm being secretive. It's not that I don't _want_ to tell you, it's just that I can't. I wish I could be the one sharing my own secrets with you if or when I decide to; not having you learn them from someone else."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. That being said, I think you're a hypocrite." I have no idea where that self-confidence came from; did I hit my head that hard?

"Excuse me?" He almost yells, his eyes widened in shock.

"Well, it's a little unfair of you to judge, when you can just sneak in my friends' thoughts to learn things about me."

He takes a moment to think this over and a smile appears on his mouth.

"I'm sorry, I guess you're right." He admits. "You can let your friend investigate all she wants. I doubt she'll find anything, anyway." He adds with a smirk. It fades away quickly as he keeps talking. "If I'm being honest, I didn't always like what I saw."

"Such as…and this time you have to explain." I'm getting nervous; what did I do or say that irritated him?

He parks the car in front of the hospital and turns to me. He's clearly embarrassed.

"I saw a memory of you with someone else, a tall, dark-haired boy." His hands close into fists; he looks sad.

I'm confused, is he telling me that he's jealous? He said "someone else"; as in _not him_?

I'm not sure that's what he meant, I need to ask.

"Why didn't you like seeing that?"I whisper, staring at him. "What do you mean by someone _else_?"

"Someone who isn't me." He simply utters, searching my eyes for a reaction.

I gape at him, not knowing what to say. My head is spinning again, but this time I'm positive it's because of him.

"Was he your boyfriend?"He mutters when I don't answer.

"Yes. His name was Jacob."

"Was he the over possessive boyfriend you told me about?"

"Yes. I haven't spoken to him since the incident. It was two years ago."

I feel unusually comfortable sharing this painful memory with him when I couldn't with Jessica.

"Edward, can I ask a stupid question?" Now I'm the one who's embarrassed.

"I'm sure it's not stupid. Go ahead."

"Should I be worried about…someone who wouldn't be me?" I stare at my hands entwined in my lap, concentrating to keep the blush away.

He laughs loudly and as I look back at him he smiles crookedly.

"Ok, it _is_ a stupid question, to which the answer is: absolutely not. We really need to get your head checked."

He gets out of the car with a huge grin on his face; and I bite my lip in an attempt to hide mine. He opens my door and offers me his arm again. I feel much better now, but I won't pass on the opportunity to be close to him.

We enter the ER and I feel out the admission form without exchanging another word, simply enjoying the sensation of what was just said.

We take a seat in the waiting room and stay next to each other in a comfortable silence.

Suddenly Edward straightens up in his seat, turning his head toward the door. He's tense and livid. I follow his glare and notice a tall blond man, a doctor, looking at him with the same angry expression on his face.

I read the name embroidered on his blouse: Dr C. Cullen.

* * *

_**A/N: Oh the little cliffhanger! I'll try not make you wait too long for the next update, I promise ;)**_

_**I'm truly amazed by all the readers who added this story to their favs/ story alert, i'm so glad you guys like it.**_

_**Please review, I love hearing what you think!**_


	7. Ask for answers

**Chapter 6 – Ask for answers**

**BPOV**

I look back and forth between Edward and the handsome man I assume is his father. They're both absolutely immobile, glowering at each other for what seems like several minutes. Realizing they're not alone in the room, Dr Cullen takes a swift glance around him, visibly uncomfortable, and turns his gaze to me.

"May I ask you your name, Miss?" He asks in a warm voice, and I feel Edward stiffen beside me.

"B-Bella Swan." I answer hesitantly.

Edward gets up from his seat, waiting for me to stand up as his father speaks again.

"Miss Swan, follow me please." And he turns around to exit the waiting room. I can imagine that he wants to find a more private area to talk to his son, but I'm not sure whether I should be present during said conversation. I look at Edward questioningly. His body still tense, he nods lightly, silently confirming that this man is in fact his father and that I can go with him.

We follow Dr Cullen to the nurse's desk where he grabs a chart before leading us to a small examination room. Edward enters after us and closes the door behind him as I sit on the edge of the hospital bed, feeling rather self-conscious.

"What are you doing here? I thought you worked in Seattle." Edward spits at his father. Dr Cullen turns to face him, furious.

"If you must know, I was asked to come for a consult on a difficult case. What are _you_ doing here? Do you live in Port Angeles, now?" He asks in the same cold tone, his light-brown eyes shooting daggers at his son.

They're pretending to be civil, probably for my sake, but I can clearly sense that they're about to rip each other's throats.

"No, I live in Seattle, too." He answers, glancing at me, assessing my reaction.

Both Dr. Cullen and I are taken aback by his revelation. He obviously wasn't aware that his son lived so close; and I realized that this whole time, he came in Port Angeles only to approach me. A million questions come rushing in my head at the realization that it was never a coincidence.

"I was only around to help Bella." He admits, smiling sheepishly at me.

"Yes, and at this point I might as well ask him to be my personal chauffeur." I joke, trying to diffuse some of the tension in the room.

Dr. Cullen looks at me incredulously, clearly shocked by my comment, and turns back to his son.

"Edward, I need you to step out of the room, please." He says in a calm, professional voice.

"What? No!" Edward retorts immediately.

"I need to examine her. Step out of the room, please. Now." He orders authoritatively. The tension between them is palpable. I have a feeling that his request has more to do with my remark a second ago than with giving me some privacy for my examination.

"I said no. I won't leave her alone with you."

They're facing each other, only inches apart, ready to pounce on each other. I recognize the menacing Edward I saw the first night, the one who haunted my dreams and frightened me. He's slightly taller than his father, looking down on him. All the muscles of his body are taut, his fists clenched at his sides, his lips faintly pursed, and I can't take my eyes off him. They're talking louder and louder with each reply, almost yelling now.

"I'm not the one she should be protected from, Edward. Get. Out."

Something snaps between them and it all happens really fast; so fast I almost can't register their movements. Dr. Cullen puts his hand on Edward's shoulder, trying to make him retreat to the hallway, but Edward pushes his arm away violently. His father grabs him by the collar of his shirt with his other hand and brutally slams him against the door.

"Stop it!" I yell impulsively, and they both turn their heads to me. "It's ok, Edward. I'll be fine. I'll let you know as soon as we're done." I smile tentatively at him, hoping to calm him down a little.

I've seen him wearing this threatening expression on his face before, I've been scared of it even; but seeing him being physically violent didn't trigger the reaction I would have expected. I was worried about what he might do to his father. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that he could cause some serious damage; but in fact I was even more worried for him. When I saw him pinned against that door, some part of me desperately needed to help him, to save him.

Edward nods lightly in my direction as Dr. Cullen releases him and he exits the room quietly, but still fuming.

I wonder why the idea of me being alone with his father upsets him so much. Is Edward afraid of what he might reveal to me?

Dr. Cullen starts examining me without saying a word, a blank expression never leaving his features. He meticulously inspects my head, my pupils, and checks my blood pressure. He asks the customary set of questions for these situations and writes everything down on the chart. When he's finished, he lifts his eyes to mine.

"You seem to be fine, but we could do an x-ray, just to be sure."

"No, thank you. These things happen to me all the time. I'll be fine." I try to convince him to let me go home. Or more truthfully, back to Edward. "I already know all the signs to look out for: dizziness, insomnia, blurred vision, nausea; I've been told this a million times. I promise if any of these symptoms appear, I'll come back immediately."

He's appraising me briefly, and I believe he's truly concerned about me.

"Miss Swan, -"

"Bella. You can call me Bella." I offer, trying to be friendly. After all, I don't know what happened between him and his son and I have no valid motive to be ungrateful for his consideration.

"Bella, I'm sorry about the altercation with Edward. We don't get along too well, as you could see." He says, and for the first time I hear a hint of regret, maybe even guilt in the fatherly tone of his voice.

"You don't have to apologize, Dr. Cullen, really."

He seems hesitant for a moment and I smile at him encouragingly, willing him to tell me something, anything about Edward that would help me understand what's making them both so miserable.

"You seem to be a smart young woman who can take care of herself." He finally says, his eyes full of concern. "I know it's probably not my place, but can I give you a piece of advice?"

"Of course."

"You can't imagine how painful it is for me to speak in such terms about my own son, but I feel it's my responsibility to warn you. Edward is dangerous, on many levels. You should stay away from him. Do you understand?"

"No, I don't. I really don't. What happened? Did he do something?" I'm being more than curious, but he's less agitated than Alice was, and I might be able to get some valuable information from him.

He deliberates for a moment before answering.

"Things were not easy for him, and his behavior progressively changed. He made an irreparable mistake. This mistake led him to make some choices that I openly disapproved. We fought and he decided to leave. He's troubled, Bella."

"Dr. Cullen, he practically came to my rescue twice since yesterday, and he's only been a perfect gentleman." I reply, trying to make sense of it.

"It's all part of his ruse, I imagine. You can't trust him, Bella. He _will_ hurt you and you won't be able to recover."

I try to take in everything he just said when the door slams open and Edward barges in shouting at his father.

"ENOUGH!"

"I told you to w-" Dr .Cullen counters, but Edwards cuts him off.

"I said that's enough! Who do you think you are? You lost the right to interfere in my life a long time ago. Now if she's ready to leave I'm taking her home." He states stoically, standing in front of his father and staring directly into his eyes.

I just stand there speechless, watching the scene unfold before my eyes.

"Edward, I can't let you do that. Don't make that mistake; I won't be able to help you."

"You never helped me, anyway."

"I didn't give you what you wanted, but I _was_ there to cover your mess!"

"You covered your own ass, Carlisle." He seethes, pure rage seeping through his voice.

"Edward, I know what you're doing, and it's not –"

"You don't know anything. It's different."

I don't understand a word they're saying or what they're talking about. I just stare at them, perplexed.

"How is this any different?" Dr Cullen asks, raising his voice.

"_She_ is different." Edward answers, still facing his father. I know he's talking about me. My heart starts racing but I remain silent.

"She's just a girl, Edward. Why would she be different?"

"Because she's my singer!" Edward shouts.

_Wait, what?!_

"What?" I manage to whisper, shocked.

They both turn to me, remembering that I was even there during their heated exchange.

"Bella, I'm sorry you had to witness all of this. I'd understand if you wanted to take a cab to go home." His voice is calm and sweet again, but he's visibly anxious to have scared me away.

"Edward, I'm your _what_?" I ask again, keeping my eyes locked on his.

He takes a step toward me and whispers in a husky voice.

"You're my singer, Bella. Where I come from, it means you're very special to me."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Edward." Dr. Cullen mutters, shaking his head disapprovingly.

I'm stunned. This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. Yet I can't help but wonder whether he's being sincere or if it _is_ only a ruse. This is too much; I feel like my head is going to explode.

"I need some fresh air." I say weakly as I get off the bed. "I need to get out of here."

"Do you want me to take you home?"Edward asks, his voice suddenly flat.

"Yes, thanks."

"Wait…" Dr. Cullen calls, writing something on his prescription pad. "Here…in case you have a headache." He adds, holding the prescription out to me.

"Thank you."

I take the piece of paper from his hand, smiling shyly at him, and exit the room with Edward following me.

-----

The sun has already set when we walk back to his car side by side. I'm still a little wobbly but he doesn't offer me his arm. We remain silent, and avoid looking at each other. He seems oddly distant; he's undoubtedly trying to process what just happen, as am I. We need to discuss this but too many thoughts are swirling inside my head. I can't figure out where to start, what question to ask first.

He holds the door of his car open for me, as usual, and gets in after me. He starts driving and I try to find the right words to initiate the discussion but they don't come. Minutes pass, none of us making a sound. This silence is uncomfortable; awkward. All the interrogations in my mind abate except one: why isn't he talking to me?

I chance a glance in his direction; he's watching the road intently, looking torn, and I'm becoming truly nervous. It dawns on me that he must be extremely upset with me. He explicitly told me he didn't appreciate that I asked Jessica to find information about him. Yet I did it again with his own father.

As he's avoiding my gaze I get really worried. Despite today's events, and especially Dr. Cullen's warnings about Edward, I still want to be near him. Regardless of what his father thinks of him, Edward has never given me any reason not to trust him. He hasn't attempted anything disrespectful or offensive in my presence, let alone dangerous. He's always so careful with me. He was yelling at his father but dropped his voice to talk to me. He was fighting with his father but he stopped and listened to me.

I know he's hiding an important part of himself, a dark side of his personality; but I'm not afraid of it. When he was facing his father, looking down on him, his entire body tense, he _did _look dangerous; but I wasn't scared. I hadn't had time to process the feeling when he was in front of me, but now I recognize it: I was mesmerized by him. He seemed so strong, so powerful …dominant. Nothing about him could be disturbing enough to annihilate the strong fascination I feel for him.

As we get closer to my house, I get more and more anxious. I take a quick look at him again and he seems tense. An unsettling sensation is crawling inside of me. I fear he's going to leave me on the sidewalk and disappear forever. I've disappointed him, surely, and he won't let it go this time. He's going to walk away, for good. The feeling of rejection is unbearable. My breathing becomes heavier as I imagine him asking me to leave again.

He parks the car in my driveway, still not looking at me. I'm waiting for him to say the words, to ask me to get out of his car, hopeless. I can't bear the thought of this being over before it even started; my heart starts beating faster. He closes his eyes tightly and drops his chin to his chest.

At that moment all the tension I accumulated over the last few hours is crushing me, coupled with the dread of never seeing him again. One tear rolls freely down my cheek and I sniffle quietly.

Edward swiftly turns his head to me, his eyes widened in distress.

"Bella, what's wrong? Are you crying?" He sounds panicked. He seems concerned for me, but he doesn't move.

"I'm sorry, it's just…you're upset that I talked to your father, aren't you?" I explain, slowly calming down.

"I'm not upset with you, Bella. I'm upset with him for trying to keep you away from me." He says, his voice still panicky. "I thought he succeeded." He adds in a whisper, visibly pained.

"He didn't." I assure him immediately. He's finally talking to me and I need him to keep going. This might be my only chance to get explanations from him. "It's just that I have so many questions, I need you to answer at least some of them. Please?"

He smiles timidly at me, trying to reassure me too.

"I guess I could answer some of them." He concedes. "I'm sorry I made you cry."

"It's ok. I …I wasn't really crying …I just …I'm fine." I mumble, trying to regain some composure. I'm not usually so emotional and I hate being so vulnerable. Being around him makes me lose all my marks and elicits in me emotions I haven't experienced in years, if ever.

The hint of a smile appears on his lips, but fades away instantaneously.

"Bella, I can be honest with you concerning certain aspects of myself; but you have to promise me to drop the subject if I'm not ready to tell you."

This is a small victory, and I have to compromise. As long as he's talking to me, I'm not going to demand details from him that he's not ready to share with me.

"I promise." I say, looking at him in the eye, hoping he knows I'm sincere. "Um…You mentioned this afternoon that you didn't want to have this conversation in your car, so…do you want to come in?" I ask tentatively.

He throws a nervous glance at my house and looks back at me uneasily.

"Yes, I'd love to."

I realize only now the extent of what I just asked. Being with him in a car is one thing; being alone with him in my house is entirely different. It changes the degree of privacy, of intimacy. He's looking into my eyes as a wave of heat courses through my body and my heart rate picks up again at the thoughts crossing my mind. Alone with him, intimate.

In a desperate attempt to act casual and avoid showing him where my mind just went, I turn and reach for the door handle. We get out of the car and walk to my house silently in the darkness, a safe distance between us. As I open my front door I notice him taking a lungful of fresh air. He must be more apprehensive than I thought, and I'm relieved that he's as nervous as I am about this whole situation.

Once we're inside I head straight to the kitchen, turning the lights on as I enter. It's my favorite room in the house. I feel at ease here, and it doesn't require us to get too cozy, thus helping me keep my ideas clear. He follows me in silence. We both take off our jackets and put them on the back of a chair.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I ask as I retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge.

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

He sits on the edge of the table, his feet still touching the floor and I lean back against the counter in front of him, a few feet separating us. He's waiting for me to initiate the dialogue, gazing at me with his deep black eyes, and my resolve to remain focused threatens to vanish.

I take a sip of my water, inhale deeply and start questioning him.

"So, what part of my conversation with your father did you hear, exactly?"

"All of it." He answers without flinching.

"And what part is accurate?"

"All of it."My heart sinks before he can even finish. "Except when he assumed it was nothing but a ruse. I'm not trying to trick you into anything, Bella, and my intention is certainly not to hurt you deliberately."

I'm a little relieved by his answer and his evident sincerity, but not entirely reassured.

"But you admit that it could happen?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I warned you yesterday that you shouldn't be near me."

"Because you're dangerous?"

"Yes, to you I could be."

"Why? I don't understand; it doesn't make any sense." I mumble, shaking my head.

"Ask me something else, something I can answer." He offers, running his hand through his already messy hair.

"What happened with your family? Why did you leave them?"

"I can't tell you more than what Carlisle already said. Try something else."

"Why did Alice come to me?" I already asked him this yesterday, but he seems to be in a better disposition to answer, now.

"If you want me to answer that, you'll have to tell me exactly what she said to you."

"She said she was afraid to lose you, that she had been waiting for a long time, that…" I pause, trying to remember her exact words. "That she saw something but it was still wrong. What does that even mean?"

He looks down at his feet for a second and then brings his eyes back to mine.

"Alice can see things. Visions of the future, if you will." He says hesitantly.

"What? You're kidding me, right?" I ask in disbelief.

"No."

"You can read minds and your sister's psychic? What kind of family are you?"

He laughs quietly.

"An unusual one, to say the least. One you should probably stay away from." He adds, becoming serious again.

I decide to ignore his last comment and move on with my interrogation.

"What did she see about me? In what capacity does it involve me?"

"I don't know. And quite frankly I don't want to know."

He's looking at me grimly. He doesn't need to tell me, I can see he obviously wants me to change the subject.

I sigh loudly, trying to remember all the things I wanted to ask him. Then it comes back to me.

"In the car earlier you said I should be worried. About what?"

"About who I really am. About what could happen if I ever lost control with you."

"Lost control? What do you mean? Like, become violent and hit me?" I start to panic.

"God, no, Bella! I'd never hit you. I'm not that kind of person." He seems so sickened by my accusation. I have no choice but to believe him.

"What, then?" I try hard not to let impatience and exasperation overcome me as his replies become more and more cryptic.

"This isn't working. I can't tell you anything." He mutters, pulling frantically at his hair with both hands. "If you want us to keep talking, you have to find a topic that doesn't require me to reveal my darkest and most appalling secrets. Please." His eyes are pleading and I've never seen him look so tortured.

I concentrate harder and come up with a subject that doesn't involve his family, his past or his secret; but only him and me.

"Do you really leave in Seattle?"

"Yes."

"So why do I keep running into you in Port Angeles? Why do you always seem to appear out of nowhere? Have you been following me?"

He opens his mouth to speak but I don't let him just yet.

"And I need a direct answer this time." I add in a stern voice.

"Yes. I've been watching you." He replies honestly.

"Since when?"

"Since the first time I laid eyes on you."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I needed to see you." His gaze is so intense, I can't look away. "Bella, I feel lonely all the time…except when I'm near you."

I wasn't expecting this: his honesty, his intensity. My head is spinning under his passionate stare and the weight of his confession.

"I don't want to stay away from you anymore." He adds in a low voice, implicitly begging me not to push him away.

"Then don't."

"I was afraid you might find it disturbing, that I was observing you."

"I would have found it creepy, if I hadn't been thinking about you, too; and asking my friend to investigate about you."

"We're both disturbed, then." He laughs softly, flashing his dazzling smile to me.

I make an effort to stay focused in spite of his disarming perfection, and I make use of his lighter mood to ask the question I've been obsessing over since yesterday.

"Edward…" I pause, embarrassed by what I'm about to say. "Why do you always tense and pull back whenever I get closer to you?"

He relaxes instantly, the remnants of his torn expression transforming into a smirk, and he asks playfully.

"Do you want to get closer to me?"

I try to remain collected in front of his teasing but my body seems to react to him on its own accord. My blood flows, responding to the calling of his sensual voice and penetrating gaze, and settles on my cheeks. He swiftly looks down at his shoes, a small grunt escaping his lips.

"Bella, you have no idea how alluring you are to me."

"Why, then?" I repeat, pressing him to give me an answer.

"Because I don't trust myself with you." He explains, looking back into my eyes. "Bella, everything about you is more tempting than you could ever imagine. I'm afraid if I get too close to you I won't be able to stop."

I feel so beautiful, so desirable under his intense stare, my heart flutters and I can't seem to control the words that come out of my mouth anymore.

"What makes you think I would ever ask you to stop?"I ask in the sultriest voice I can manage. I can't help but smirk a little when I notice his body harden, his hands gripping the edge of the table. I feel less self-conscious knowing that I have some kind of effect on him, too. Although, probably not as prominent.

"Bella…" He breathes, looking down again. "Please, don't do this. I don't know how much stronger I can be." He mutters in a pained voice.

"Please, stop pushing me away."

He looks back into my eyes, begging me to understand.

"I'm not pushing you away, I'm trying to protect you."

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. I'm growing tired of this game, frustration overtaking me. I thought we were making progress, but he's pulling back again. I don't know how to react anymore, what to say to him. I cross my arms on my chest and look at him right in the eyes.

"You're upset?" He asks guiltily.

"No, I'm…confused." I counter, letting my arms drop to my sides.

"I wish I could read your mind, right now. It would be a hell of a lot easier. I'm not used to this." He jokes halfheartedly.

"Well, if you could you'd see that I'm willing to accept any risks, if it means I get to be with you."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you said that already. What else?" I snap, unable to conceal my irritation anymore. "And you're the one who won't clarify it for me."

"I can't." He replies, his voice raspy. "And you promised." The expression on his face matches his reproachful tone. He's getting truly upset himself and I'm feeling like I'm playing with fire. A dark, consuming, dangerous fire.

"Well, _you_ said you'd answer some of my questions, but you didn't; not really. Why won't you tell me what you think is so bad in you and let me decide for myself? Why won't you tell me your story?" I inquire. It's undoubtedly the first time in my life that I've exposed my thoughts so eloquently. I've always tried to prevent conflicts, not cause them. Yet I'm facing this man who claims to be dangerous, who claims he could easily hurt me, and I'm infuriating him. I'm going to get burned, and I don't care, I'm already consumed by him.

"You wouldn't understand. You would…" He trails off, clearly forcing himself to remain calm. He's still gripping the table, his teeth clenched, his jaw twitching. I can see the struggle for control on his face. His black eyes bore into mine, reaching my core and I can't tear my gaze away. I can't breathe, I can't move. My hands hang at my sides; my eyes are locked on his and I'm drowning in their dark abyss. My heart is pounding in my chest, my blood rushing through my veins, burning for him. My dangerous, consuming, mesmerizing fire.

Suddenly he closes his eyes tightly and drops his head, effectively breaking the spell.

"You need to breathe, Bella." He murmurs as I realize I had in fact been holding my breath. I'm a little lightheaded after this intense silent exchange, but I still notice the peculiar inflection of his utterance, as if he actually meant something different.

We don't talk for a few minutes. He's still not looking at me, but I can see his body relax progressively the same way mine does. The tension is slowly leaving his shoulders and my breathing becomes more even.

The discussion isn't over. I don't know anything about him, about those secrets that should worry me. They do worry me, now. Not enough to ask him to leave, but enough to demand to know. After what just occurred I realize I can't be kept in the dark; I caught a glimpse of who he is inside: raw, feral, ferocious; and I want to see more. I need to know the truth. Even if I'm already convinced it won't alter the powerful connection between us.

I take a shaky breath, waiting for him to lift his gaze to me before I start speaking.

"Edward, I need answers, real answers. You have to decide whether you're willing to give them to me." I say to him with the sweetest voice I can convey. I'm not pushing him anymore, I'm not demanding; I'm pleading, begging him to let me in.

I watch his facial expression slowly change from tormented to fascinated.

"Bella, how haven't you asked me to leave, yet? I'm truly amazed by your strength." He's looking at me as if I were the most incredible person he's ever met and I can't help but smile. He makes me feel incredible.

His face becomes serious for a moment as he takes a deep breath, his brows furrowed.

"I understand your position. I won't tell you my story tonight, though; I need to think about this." He mutters sadly. I just nod in agreement.

"As for your accusation earlier," he adds, "you're right, I did promise you some answers. So, here's what I can tell you." He gets up from the table, his black eyes boring into mine again. "You're the first person, apart from my family, who ever dared raise her voice to me."

I look at him carefully, not sure what to make of that statement. Is he upset again? He takes a step toward me, a crooked smile appearing on the corner of his mouth, and my insides melt. He's definitely not upset.

"I'm impressed… among other things." He says in a sultry voice as he takes another step forward. "You're utterly breathtaking when you're angry."

I stand there in silence. Once again he's leaving me speechless. I bite my lower lip to refrain from grinning idiotically and I see his eyes drop from my eyes to my lips, and then my neck. He takes one last step and he's standing inches away from me. My body reacts like it always does when I'm so close to him: my heart is racing, my breathing is ragged and I'm overcome by a wave of heat. His lips part slightly and the tip of his tongue comes licking his upper lip.

He leans forward, forcing me to lean back against the kitchen counter. I'm trapped as he rests his hands on the counter behind me, his forearms on either side of me. He's hovering over me, his body not touching mine.

"So alluring…" He murmurs in a lustful voice, causing my heart to skip a beat. I start lifting my hands to put them on his waist but his stops me.

"Don't…please, don't move." His voice is so low it's almost a growl. I comply, dropping my hands back at my sides. I don't understand why he's restraining himself so much, but I don't want to risk making him step back. I close my eyes, my nose mere inches from his chest. I'm losing myself in his smell, but it's still not enough. I need more, my blood is boiling for him, and my entire body is aching for his touch.

He brings his nose down to the top of my head, nuzzling my hair, and inhales deeply, slowly, filling his lungs completely. He exhales just as slowly, and a loud grunt resonates in his chest. It's undeniably the sexiest sound I've ever heard, and I'm shivering from head to toe.

"Bella," he says, bringing his lips closer to my ear, "I won't put my hands on you, I won't kiss you until you know the truth about me. I don't want you to regret anything. I just need you to give me a little time to figure this out."

My heart misses a beat again as he mentions kissing me. I accept his condition like a victory. He will tell me; he's not retreating anymore.

"Yes." I whisper from the confines of my haze.

We remain in this position for the longest time; nearly in each other's arms but in fact not touching. I'm entranced by him, by our proximity, completely intoxicated.

I lift my head to look at him; we've never been so close physically. Our noses are nearly touching and I can feel his sweet breath blowing on my face. For the first time I can clearly see him under the kitchen's light. I revel in the sight of his perfect face; his strong jaw that I'm longing to touch; his full red lips that I'm dying to kiss.

The second I bring my eyes to his dark, impenetrable eyes, Edward avoids my gaze and looks down, visibly sad.

"Not that I want to leave, but I should let you get some rest. You must be exhausted."

"It has been a long day." I admit reluctantly.

"I'll let you sleep, then. I promise I'll sort this out." He starts nuzzling my hair again, right above my ear, and I quiver. "Before I go, one last thing I want to tell you…"

"Yes?" I ask shakily. He brings his entire body closer to mine, slightly brushing against mine, and whispers in my ear.

"I want to bite your neck." He murmurs in a sultry voice. I gasp as his declaration echoes in every single cell in me. Every inch of my skin burns and a throbbing pain travels through my body and settles right between my thighs.

Before I can say anything, or even comprehend what just happened to me, he pushes himself from the counter and steps back toward the table, retrieving his previous position. He finally looks back at me, a huge grin lighting his face. He's fully aware of the effect he has on me, and he's enjoying it, maybe a little too much.

I'm still struggling to regain control of myself when he stands up abruptly, reaching for his jacket. He slips into it and starts walking out of the kitchen. He stops in the door frame and turns to me, greeting me with his breathtaking crooked smile.

"Good night, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward." I finally manage to mutter.

"And … sweet dreams." He adds, smirking shamelessly.

He exits my house without waiting for my response, and I would be incapable of responding, anyway. I blush furiously, utterly mortified by his undisguised allusion. He knows about my dreams, evidently. I've been told I talk in my sleep; did he hear me? And if so, what has he heard? Apparently enough to be all smug about it.

When has he been watching me, exactly? Was he in my house, in my bedroom? Again, the thought of him observing me while I'm sleeping should alarm me, but it doesn't. Instead, the idea of him in my room with me, hovering over me as I'm lying on my bed heightens the lingering throb in my belly.

I walk to the window and watch him pull out of his parking spot and drive away. My throat tightens instantly and my chest aches. An unwelcome sentiment of loneliness washes over me, oppressing me. I quickly get in the bathroom upstairs, hoping a shower will help me shake the feeling out of my head. It doesn't have the desired effect.

I'll have plenty of time when I wake up to sort out today's events: our encounter with Dr Cullen, Edward's not-even-remotely satisfying answers, and the magnetic pull I feel whenever I'm near him. My mind is too clouded by that draw at the moment to even consider reflecting on what happened between us.

I put on my pajamas, get in bed and reach under my pillow to pull out the handkerchief Edward gave me. I hold it close to my nose and shut my eyes. I'm basking in his smell, letting it appease my discomfort and rid my mind of all the thoughts spinning restlessly.

For now, I focus on his smell enveloping me. I drift off into sleep, the memory of his sensual voice resonating in my head, repeating over and over again the words that grazed my soul: _my singer… couldn't stop thinking about you… want to bite your neck… _

Sweet dreams, indeed.

* * *

_**A/N: I can't even begin to tell how amazed I am by all of you readers and reviewers. Your kind words have me floating on a cloud. :)**_

_**A big thank you to my awesome beta theotherbella, who sticks with me through my constant misuse of the english vocabulary (I have an excuse, since I'm French, but still!)**_

_**Please keep reviewing, and tell what I'm doing right, and where I suck!**_


	8. Protègemoi

**Chapter 7 –** **Protège-moi**

**BPOV**

I was restless again last night. I kept tossing and turning, not really asleep but not fully awake either. My dreams were filled with images of Edward's captivating eyes, his dazzling smile, and the sound of his enchanting voice. My mind created a different version of our conversation; one where Edward didn't have to restrain himself for some mysterious reason; one where he could have put his hands on me and hold me in his arms. I would have run my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer to me. We would have kissed me. My body remembers how it feels to be close to him, almost touching him; and it misses the sensation. I constantly feel as if he had something in him that I need; he took it with him when he left and I need it back, I'm restless without it. Every tiny part of my body is bubbling in anticipation to have him back. I miss him.

It's difficult to believe how absolutely addicted to him I am after such a short period of time. Even though I'd been obsessing over him for two weeks, I've actually met him only two days ago. How is it even possible to experience such strong emotions for someone you hardly know? I've never felt anything like it; and I never expected for a connection of this intensity to happen to me. He elicits such powerful reactions in me, as if every part of my being was awake only when I'm near him, and I desperately need to get even closer.

I can say with certainty that he feels the tie between us, too. I witnessed the effect my teasing had on him and the change in his posture whenever I move closer to him. I know now that he doesn't distance himself from me because he doesn't enjoy our proximity, but quite the opposite, because he likes it too much. If his attraction to me wasn't obvious enough, he explicitly told me how deep his feelings for me are. All those beautiful words he said to me don't leave my mind.

Regrettably, Dr. Cullen's revelations about Edward are always present, as well. His father painted a highly negative portrayal of his son, and Edward confirmed that most of his accusations were in fact true. If I hadn't suffered through my own wounding experiences, I might have walked away from a complicated situation like this one, too scared to get hurt.

Maybe.

Only, I've been through enough to recognize that there are always two sides to a story. I've been wrongly accused, blamed and abandoned by several people in my life. I know how painful it can be when nobody believes you, when nobody listens; when you realize that those you consider your friends were in fact no more than mere acquaintances. I won't behave that way; I won't abandon him without having heard his side of the story. Even though he told me himself that the accusations were accurate, the simple fact that he's willing to take the blame he deserves is one more reason to trust him. He's obviously not trying to lie to me about his responsibility, and I can understand how difficult it can be to share the worst part of your past. All I hope now is that he _will_ tell me eventually; that he cares about me enough to share with me this piece of his personality that troubles him so much.

-----

I'm sitting on my couch, drinking coffee. I have a million chores to do before I leave to Forks to visit Charlie like I do every Sunday; but the only thing my brain is able to deal with at the moment is this crazy situation with Edward. Truthfully, I don't understand the depth of my fascination for him; and I don't recognize myself with him. I've never acted so carelessly before; getting in his car only a minute after meeting him for the first time, or inviting him to come inside my home. Also, I've never felt connected to a man on such a physically level before, even if we haven't technically touched one another. I've never had enough confidence to voice my discontentment the way I did with him. I don't seem to be the same person when I'm around him, but I inexplicably feel more serene, complete. I have the irrepressible feeling that I'm supposed to be with him.

I admit that Edward was right regarding my request to Jessica to investigate about him; I shouldn't have asked her that; I shouldn't have gotten her involved. His secret truly seems to be a burden for him, and it was inappropriate and impolite of me to drag her along, allowing her to discover, and consequently divulge whatever private information she would have found about him. Particularly when he made it clear he doesn't want anyone, maybe not even me, to learn about his secret. What was I thinking?

I decide it's time to correct my mistake, before Jessica finds something that will truly upset Edward. I grab my phone on the coffee table and call her, hoping I'll find the right approach to obtain from her to abort her latest mission. She picks up her phone on the first ring.

"Bella! What took you so long? I was waiting for you to call." She starts in a shriek, without even saying hello.

"Hi, Jess. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were expecting my call." I apologize. I can easily visualize her eager eyes wide open on the other end of the line. I know making her lose her interest isn't going to be easy.

"Are you kidding me? You need to tell me everything. What happened after I left you with _Edward_?" She pronounces his name in a sultry voice purposefully and I refrain from snorting. I really don't appreciate the tone of her voice, I don't like her drooling over him; and I certainly never planned on sharing everything with her.

I need to do some damage control. How did I not see this coming? Again, what was I thinking? It seems that meeting Edward has seriously damaged my ability to make rational decision.

"Well, he took me to the hospital, and then back home. We talked a little, random stuff. Nothing special." I answer as casually as I can manage, and to be honest it sounds rather convincing.

"Really? That's it?" She's a little taken aback by my lack of excitement over him. All I can do now is hope she's going to believe it.

"Yeah. You know, there's nothing actually that weird or …mysterious about him. I think people got the wrong idea about his siblings. And every family has their own set of issues, you know."

"Yeah…" She trails off and remains silent for moment, certainly deciding whether to accept my explanation or not. "So are you going to see him again?" She adds, her voice betraying her excitement again.

"Um…I'm not sure, actually." I reply timidly. At least this part is true. My heart sinks a little at that realization and doubt comes clouding my mind. He could very well choose not to talk to me anymore. Even though he said we would get closer only _when_ I know the truth about him, implying that he _is_ going to tell me, he could easily change his mind. He could decide that keeping his secret safe is more important than being with me. I clear my throat, trying to keep my voice even as my throat tightens and my eyes prickle.

"But you still _want_ to see him again, right?" She inquires, visibly more and more captivated by my depressingly boring love life, or so I'm trying to make it appear.

"Yes, sure." I say nonchalantly. "He lives in Seattle and he had to go back. He didn't give me his phone number so I can't contact him – not that I would have, anyway. But he said we'd probably see each other again, so…I'll just wait and see, I guess."

"And you still want me to find out more about him, right?" Her enthusiasm is completely exaggerated at this point, and I can't possibly depict our encounter as more uninteresting than this. I need to be direct with her if I want her to drop it.

"Actually, I don't think you should. I feel bad about this whole thing, about what I ask you to do. If there is in fact some story about him that I should know about, I want to give him the opportunity to tell me himself." I explain.

"I was sure you'd ask me to back off." She answers in an amused tone. "You were never the type to snoop around; I was really surprised that you asked me to, to be honest."

"I'm glad you understand." I utter sincerely.

"Listen, I'm not going to go looking for information, but if I happen to hear something about your Edward or his family, I'll tell you. Ok?" My stomach clenches at her choices of words; _my_ Edward. How I wish he was _my_ Edward.

"Thanks, Jess."

"Bella, just for the record, I trust you and I think you're smart enough to take care of yourself; but I still think there's something off about the Cullens." She admits, and I can sense she's genuinely worried for me.

"I know. I'll be careful, don't worry about me." I try to appease her concerns. Now that she apparently agreed to keep her nose out of Edward's past, I don't want to risk her getting too interested again.

"Ok, I gotta run, call me anytime."

"Thanks, I will. Bye."

As I hang up the phone I realize that I just unashamedly lied to her, and it was so easy. I've always hated doing that, being dishonest; and quite frankly I've always been terrible at it. The rare times I try to tell a lie when I was younger, my parents were able to notice it right away. So I got used to constantly telling the truth.

Yet lying is becoming a habit now. Since I met Edward, I keep hiding the truth from everyone around me; from Angela the night before she left, from Charlie, from Jessica. Even though I don't want to bother them with my uncertainties about my enigmatic new friend or have them worry about me, my true motive for deceiving them is much more selfish: I want Edward to trust me. If I have to lie and jeopardize everyone else's trust in me in order to protect him and his secret, I'm willing to take that risk.

As I still have my phone in my hand, I decide to call Angela. I know I'll have to lie to her, too, but it's better than not speaking with her at all; and after two whole weeks, it'll be nice to hear her kind, peaceful voice. I scroll down my contact list, find her number and press call. Her phone goes straight to voicemail. I leave her a message, feeling a little saddened by her distance, asking her how she's doing and telling her she can call me back whenever she has time.

I lean forward to put my cell phone and my mug back on the coffee table, and slouch back on the couch. I thought I would spend my entire day deliberating on what to do concerning Edward, what to think of him, on what his father said. I thought I'd need time to sort out what Edward confessed to me, and what he refused to divulge. I thought I'd be more confused by this strange pull I feel, and the way my entire body reacts so intensely to his presence, to his smell, to his stare. I don't need more time, it's simple. I want him. My mind doesn't quite understand it but my body knows. I need to be with him, no matter what his secret is.

Instead of taking the time to turn these thoughts over and over in my head like I thought I would, I find myself waiting in my living room, pacing. I peek through the window every time I hear a car slow down in front of my house, and I'm hoping he'll appear out of nowhere like he usually does.

In a fraught attempt to ease my agitated impatience, I decide to leave for Forks early and maybe prepare a home cooked meal for Charlie and me once I arrive, instead of going to the diner. I put on my coat, grab my keys and get out of the house. I take a moment to throw a glance around and down the street, but Edward isn't there. I feel a sting in my heart, and take a deep breath to force the pain away.

I get in the car and start driving. I don't even try to focus on the road, I'm not paying attention at all. My mind inevitably drifts back to Edward, and I lose myself in my fantasies. I summon up memories and sensations of his body hovering over mine; of his breath blowing in my hair as he's whispering in my ear; of the shivers he sent through my entire body just with the sound of his voice. I'm crushed by an oppressive feeling of solitude again, and I'm desperate for him to come back to me.

-----

I'm approaching Charlie's house when I notice a brand new, glossy black car parked in the driveway next to his cruiser. I'm surprised that Charlie is home so early, as he's usually not back from his fishing trip at this hour; and I don't recognize the black car, I have no idea whose it could be. I wonder who is in the house with Charlie and for a moment I get nervous that something had happened; Charlie isn't one to cancel his Sunday routine to socialize. I open the front door in haste and pause to listen to the voices coming from the living room. I freeze in the hallway, unable take a step forward, all the air escaping my lungs in a loud whooshing sound. On top of the sport commentator, I can make out three different voices yelling at the TV screen; and I know them all well. The first one is my father, shouting at some maladroit player, the second is Billy and I'm not surprised that he's here, as he usually goes fishing with Charlie every Sunday. The last voice I wasn't expecting to hear, but I recognize it instantly and my blood runs cold at the sound of it. It's Jacob.

For a second I think about going back to my car and driving home, but Charlie already heard me come in.

"Bells, is that you?" He yells from the couch between a few insults directed at the TV.

"Yes. I decided to come earlier today, I thought I could cook dinner for a change, but…" I trail off as I enter the living room, carefully avoiding looking at Jacob.

"Hi, Bella!" Billy exclaims. "It's nice to see you. You look good." He smiles at me warmly and I try my best to mirror his expression. "How come we both spend our Sundays with your father, but we never ran into each other?" he asks playfully, his tone clear of any hint of reproach.

"Thank you." I answer a little hesitantly. I haven't had a good night sleep for more than two weeks, I doubt that I actually look that good. "It's nice to see you, too."

I chance a quick glance at Jacob, not wanting to be rude in front of both our fathers by not acknowledging his presence if he's expecting me to. Luckily, he's sitting on the floor next to the couch, his eyes never leaving the large flat screen as he's pretending to focus on the game. I welcome his behavior as proof that he has no intention of talking to me either, and immediately retreat to the kitchen. Just as I thought I had avoided the unpleasant fake small talk, Charlie gets up from his seat and follows me.

"Bella, you could have said hello to Jake." He admonishes, standing in front of me. He usually tries not to criticize openly my conduct, that's a trait of personality I share with him: we always try to prevent arguments. Hearing him voice his disapproval to me is enough for me to realize he must be really upset; it truly bothered him. I take a deep breath and brace myself to ask what I never thought I'd ask again.

"I'm sorry, Dad. You're right, I'm being rude. I had planned to make dinner, do you want me to cook something for all of us?" I'm silently praying for him to say no and ask them to leave, but I know it's not going to happen.

"Yes, it'd be really nice of you. Jake came with big news; I think you guys have some catching up to do. You used to be best friends, Bella." It's true, we used to; but we will never be friends again, not after what happened, and more importantly not after his demeanor following this event. I don't want to know what his big news is, I don't care.

"Like you said, we _used_ to be best friends." I counter as I turn around and open the fridge, busying myself with the preparations for dinner. "Honestly, I'm fine with not seeing him ever again." I mutter, immediately whishing I hadn't said that in front of Charlie. Even though we're not related, he always considered Jacob like a member of the family; and he was supposed to officially become one at some point in our relationship. I think Charlie never got over our break up, he really wanted me to spend the rest of my life with his almost-son he's so proud of. I can't blame him, I never explain to him why Jacob and I went our separate ways; I never told him exactly what happened in Seattle. I didn't want to tarnish the image Charlie had of him; I didn't want him to be disappointed. In moments like this, I really wish I did.

"Bella, it's been two years, why are you still mad at him? I don't understand you. Break ups happen, I know something of it. I don't think it helps to ruminate and point fingers for years when you could easily accept it and move on. Maybe even save a friendship. Think about it, Bells." Charlie would have convinced me if Jacob hadn't made my life miserable for the last couple of years. Charlie doesn't know, but I can't forget. It's true that we broke up a long time ago, but I've had to live with the consequences of his behavior every day since.

My father looks so pained, and I know he only mentions his relationship with Renee when he's deeply touched by a situation. I suppose I can try to pretend for one night and be civil. I can do that for him.

"Ok, Dad, I'll think about it." I offer halfheartedly.

Jacob chooses this very moment to enter the kitchen, and Charlie excuses himself, leaving us alone. I look at him in detail for the first time in two years; he hasn't change much. He's a little taller maybe, more manly, indisputably; but the rest of his appearance is rather similar: his tan skin, his short black hair and his dark eyes. If I'm being objective, he is even more handsome than he was a few years ago. Yet, all I see, all I can feel is blankness, the numbing absence of any attraction for him. My mind instantaneously goes back to the gorgeous man I've been dreaming about continuously. Jacob is nothing compared to Edward, to his pale skin and his tousled bronze hair. His excessively muscular body is almost laughable compared to Edward's slender, athletic physique. The smell of his cheap cologne is nauseating compared to Edward's intoxicating scent and his dark eyes are empty compared to Edward's hypnotic gaze.

"Bells, I – " He starts but I interrupt him instantly.

"Bella." I correct him sternly. He lost the right to call me by that nickname the moment he lost me.

"Bella," he rectifies, a hint of annoyance in his tone, "I didn't come here to fight with you. I didn't even know you'd be here so soon, we were supposed to leave before you arrived." He seems sincere, and not as overconfident as I remember him. I know it's important for Charlie so I try hard to respond in a friendly tone of voice.

"It's ok. So, what's the big news?"

He hesitates for a moment, avoiding my eyes, and answers in a whisper.

"I proposed to Leah. She said yes."

I gape at him for several second, utterly stunned. I was dreading this moment, the time in our lives when we would put our relationship behind us completely and commit to someone else. I always knew he would be the first to move on, considering I haven't been dating anyone since I left Jacob. I'm not at all jealous, though, and I'm relieved that I feel that way; but to some extent, I'm concerned for this girl.

"Oh… well, congratulations, I guess." I answer awkwardly. I feel uncomfortable talking about this with him, and I'm certain he must be as uncomfortable to have to tell it to me, since we had been talking about marriage ourselves, when we were a couple. Of course it was before the incident. There's a question turning over the back of my head, a question I shouldn't ask, because it's not my place and because it'll probably cause us to fight again. For some reason, I can't hold it back.

"Did you tell her what happened? The whole story, I mean?" I ask curiously.

"Yes." He answers coldly, his tone reproachful. "And she understands."

"She does?" My question comes out a little more disbelievingly than I intended, and his face hardens instantly.

"Yes, you never forgave me, but she did."

"It's easy for her, Jake. It's not her life you ruined." I mutter, plopping down on the chair closest to me. Having a civil conversation with him is revealing more challenging than I imagined, and predictably painful for me.

"Is that what you still think? That I ruined your life" He asks in a pained murmur.

"I have to work in a crappy bookstore in Port Angeles, instead of one of the top editing firms in Seattle, Jake. And if what happened wasn't your fault, tell me, whose was it?" I retort, looking right at him.

"I should have let him – "

"Stop. Please, just…stop. I don't want to go over this again."I whisper, holding my face in my hands. I can't do this, not even for Charlie. I can't spend the evening with Jacob, cook for him and talk to him as if nothing ever happened. I have to get away from here.

I get up from my chair and walk to the living room, passing by Jake without a glance in his direction.

"Dad?" I call out for him from behind the couch.

"Yes, Bells?" He answers, laboriously tearing his eyes away from the game.

"I don't feel too well, I think I'm going to head back home, get some rest. I need to be at work early tomorrow."

He looks at me worriedly, then at Jacob who is standing in the door frame, his eyes cast down.

"No problem. Call me when you arrive, ok?" At this moment I'm happy that he isn't the type of father who asks questions and makes things awkward. He knows I tried, and that's all he wanted from me.

"Ok. Bye."

I grab my coat on my way out and rush to my car. I get inside and drive back to Port Angeles as fast as my truck allows me to. Talking to Jacob was extremely painful. I still resent him for what he did, and even more so because he believes it wasn't unforgivable. I need to rid my head of the memories of what happened with him, two years ago as well as tonight, before I start crying again. My mind immediately drifts back to Edward, and I take in that I think of him whenever I feel sad or distressed. He's the one my mind goes to when I need to hold on to something. I need to see him.

A knot forms in my stomach as it dawns on me that he hasn't given any indication on his decision, yet. I decide not to let that thought upset me even more than I already am. He's the only person I want to be with right now, the only one who could appease my sorrow. I know I'd feel better if I was near him. Now I'm just drowning, suffocating, crushed by the weight of these unwanted reminiscences. I concentrate on one single idea: when I get home, Edward could be there waiting for me.

I'm speeding on the road, wishing I could go even faster. I can already picture his car parked in front of my house, him leaning against it and greeting me with a dazzling crooked smile on his perfect lips.

It's barely getting dark outside when I arrive home. Edward isn't there. I get out of my truck and look around, as far as I can see down the street. No sign of his Volvo; nothing. My throat tightens; I really thought he would have contacted me by now.

As soon as I've called Charlie – who luckily doesn't engage in any conversation - I head upstairs to my bedroom and slump down on my bed. Maybe Edward has decided to stay away, if he's really not ready to share his past with me. I shake this idea out of my head, refusing to let myself sink in my misery before I'm even sure he's not going to come back. He said he needed time to think this through, and that he'd reveal everything to me. He didn't specify me how much time he would need, but it's only been a day, I must be patient.

I quickly take a shower, put on my pajamas and go to bed, curling under the covers. It's still early but I'm exhausted; these past few days have worn me out and I'm hoping I'll be able to get some decent sleep tonight. It's the best use I can make of his absence; the only positive aspect I can see if Edward decides not to come.

I retrieve his handkerchief from under my pillow and hold it close to my nose like I did the two previous nights. I inhale deeply, letting his smell fill my lungs. Sadly, his scent has faded slightly as I've been holding it against me during several hours. It now smells like a harmonious combination of both our fragrances, and I fall asleep as my mind starts envisioning a different scenario in which our scents would get to blend.

I wake up the next morning startled by the piercing sound of my alarm clock. I feel rested. I slept for nearly ten hours straight; and even though Edward was always present in my dreams, it didn't wake me in the middle of the night. The unsettling felling of loneliness was somewhat soothed by his presence and the sound of his low voice, even though it was just in my imagination.

I get dressed and go downstairs to eat my breakfast, following the same routine I usually abide by. Once again I'm desperately expecting Edward to appear, but he doesn't. I wait until the last minute before I leave my house, but he doesn't come. I drive to work, and thoroughly inspect the street around the bookstore. Still no sign of him.

I reluctantly enter the store and begin my day of work, spending every single second in a state of hopefulness combined with disappointment. Hopefulness to witness Edward cross the threshold of the store every time I hear the door open, and disappointment when I realize it's not him, he's not coming. I spend my lunch hour outside looking everywhere around me, barely nibbling at my sandwich; but he doesn't appear.

I go back to work, attempting rather unsuccessfully to concentrate on my task as the wait is slowly killing me. I'm carrying a heavy pile of books to the counter at the front of the store when I'm startled by Ms. Charlotte's unpleasant voice coming from behind me.

"Bella? Are you finished with the books Mr. Smith ordered? They need to be packed and ready before you leave, he comes first thing tomorrow morning."

"I know. I'm almost finished. But I still have a couple of hours before I leave, anyway."

"No, actually. There's been an error with one of our orders. A number of books that were destined to us have been wrongly delivered to a bookstore in Seattle. I contacted them earlier and they're willing to remain open until we arrive to retrieve the books."

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure I'm following you. Do you want _me_ to go to Seattle to fetch the books?" I ask incredulously. My job description certainly doesn't include driving nearly 80 miles with my personal car to rectify an error I didn't make.

"Yes. What else do you think I'm asking you, young lady? I don't know what's going on with you, but you've been distracted all day. Well, even more than usual. I suggest you come back tomorrow with your mind focused on your work. And the books you're going to retrieve in Seattle immediately, of course." I stare at her in disbelief as she looks at me disdainfully, holding a piece of paper out to me. "This is the address of the bookstore you need to go to. Goodbye, Miss Swan." She adds as she turns around and walks back to her office, effectively ending the discussion. Apparently, I don't have a choice.

I let out a loud sigh, get my coat and exit the store. As I walk to my car I scan the street once again hoping Edward is here somewhere, waiting for me. He isn't. I feel more and more depressed as the hours pass. I need to see him. If only I knew where he leaved, if he had given me his address in Seattle, I could have gone to his place. I doubt it would be a good idea, though; if he wanted me to come he would have asked me to. He asked me to give him some time, so I need to let him decide when he's ready to talk to me.

-----

It's already dark outside when I arrive in Seattle and it takes me another fifteen minutes to find the right bookstore. There's no parking spot in front; this day can't get any worse at this point, and I wonder how much more my nerves can tolerate. I drive around the block and find a place to park my car in an adjacent street, hoping the books I'll have to carry all the way back here won't be too heavy. I step out of the truck and hurry to the store, sliding my hand in my pocket and clutching the pepper spray Charlie gave me. I'm not reassured to be alone in this dark street, in a neighborhood that never had a good reputation. I turn at the corner and notice a group of four men talking rather loudly across the street. As soon as they see me they start calling out to me and whistling; I walk even faster and look down at my feet, letting my hair fall in a curtain to hide my face. Luckily, they don't follow me and I sigh in relief as I push the front door of the store.

The man behind the counter greets me with the most exasperated expression on his face; clearly he was waiting for to arrive so he could close. Without more words than the elementary politeness requires, he reaches under the counter and holds out to me a small cardboard box that must contain no more than twenty, maybe twenty-five pocket books. I'm relieved that I'll easily be able to carry the package back to the car.

Not bothering to attempt any kind of conversation with this man who didn't consider it necessary to introduce himself, I exit the store with my books. Again, I walk as fast as I can, relaxing a little as I reach the corner of the street and notice that the four men are no longer there. I turn in the street where I parked my truck and stop dead in my tracks.

Two of them are waiting next to my car. They start calling out to me again, laughing as they come up with disgusting nicknames, and I stay frozen in place, holding the package close to my chest. They start walking in my direction and my brain finally responds. I realize I need to run back to the store and ask for help, hoping it didn't close and the clerk is still in there. I put my plan to action; I drop the box and turn around, only to gasp in horror as I see the other two men standing in front of me, a devious smile on their faces. They're close enough now for me to grasp how big they are… football-player big. They seem to be the appropriate age to be college students and from where I stand I can smell the alcohol emanating from their breath. They walk toward me, forcing me to step back.

I have nowhere to run, I panic. The four of them are encircling me, now, grabbing my arms and touching my hair. They're laughing and wondering out loud what they're going to do with me, who's going to take the first turn. They're asking me to be nice in a perverse, nauseating voice and I almost throw up. I can't believe this is happening. My brain shuts down, I can't move, I don't even try to defend myself; what harm could I possibly do to these gigantic animals, anyway? All my mind can focus on is these two thoughts: I don't want to die, not like this; and how I hope Edward will appear out of nowhere again and save me. It's probably best that he doesn't, those four guys are really huge, and no matter how dangerous he claims to be, he wouldn't stand a chance.

One of them pulls at my arm and drags me back to my car, hidden in the darkness of the narrow, deserted street. My heart is beating so fast in my chest, the pounding resonates in my ears. His friends follow us and gather around us as he pushes me against the door, one of his hands holding my wrists behind my back and the other sliding inside my coat and under my sweater.

Suddenly I hear a loud growl echo in the shadows and he stops, looking around frantically. I remain completely motionless, my eyes wide open in shock as I see his accomplices being lifted off the ground one by one by something I can't distinguish, and thrown against the concrete wall on the opposite sidewalk before falling on the ground, knocked out. It all happens so fast, mere seconds, I don't understand what is occurring before my eyes. Another growl erupts in the darkness as the man still holding me is violently pulled away from me. He's not thrown against the wall like the others, but forced to kneel in the middle of the street, held by what attacked them.

I can see it now. My heart gallops even faster and I sink down on my knees, my legs too weak to carry me. I'm beyond shocked by the sight in front of me.

It's Edward.

His face is contorted in an aggressive expression, more threatening than I've ever seen him. He looks like a feral, vicious animal, a predator. He's crouching behind my aggressor, one arm across his chest, holding him in place; the other hand fisted in his hair and pulling to the side, exposing his neck. Edward has his mouth on this man's jugular, and I don't comprehend what he's doing until I see blood escaping from under his lips and rolling slowly down the neck of his…prey.

I lift my gaze to meet Edward's stare and my heart stops. He's looking at me as he's… drinking… , his eyes locked on mine, and even in the semi-darkness I can see clearly the rich, burning red in them, dancing and flowing… just like blood.

I inhale sharply and it all goes black.

* * *

_**A/N: Okay, so that was a brutal way for Bella to find out, but hey, at least now she knows, right?**_

_**Next chapter will be EPOV, if you want to know what the hell went through his mind.**_

_**I love you all for sticking with me and reviewing.**_

_**I also love my beta theotherbella because she's awesome!**_


	9. Reckless abandon

**Chapter 8 – Reckless abandon**

**EPOV**

Tomorrow.

I'll go find her, and I'll tell her everything.

I've spent the last two days reflecting on my unusual connection with Bella. I've been pondering and turning possibilities over and over in my head, trying to find a solution on how to tell Bella what I am, rather than wondering whether I should reveal my true identity to her. I know I will; I need to. Her presence has become so essential to me, I could never exist without her now. Those brief moments I get to spend with her are the most physically painful and most pleasurable moments of my entire existence simultaneously. Being near her is extremely challenging for the beast inside of me. I have to constantly restrain that part of myself, because the smell of her blood calls to me, compelling me to get a taste. I strive to ignore the sweet aroma of her skin begging me to run my tongue along her neck, and the loud pounding of her heart imploring me to sink my teeth in her and let the blood flow in my mouth.

As demanding as it is for me to be around her without losing control, it also gives me an unfathomable sensation of contentment; of bliss. The sound of her voice when she says my name, her smile, her warm brown eyes when she looks at me; they're the most beautiful things I've ever seen. She's offering me her trust, she's willing to accept what I truly am in order to be with me, without even knowing what I'm hiding. I recognize that I don't deserve her, but a part of myself, the man inside of me, is craving her affection. I've lived longer than a century hoping I'd find a woman to share my eternity with, and I found Bella. I want her, I need her; she was made for me, and I belong to her.

I thought Carlisle had ruined everything. What he revealed to her about my past behavior and the threat I represent should have scared her away; but it didn't. She listened to him, pressed him for more details, but none of it seemed to alter her attraction to me. I presumed she'd be more apprehensive; I was wrong. She saw Carlisle and I fight, both verbally and physically, and she didn't flinch. She stopped us, urged me to calm down with her shy smile; and I did, instinctively. There's nothing I wouldn't have done to appease her concern. I was very fearful that I had frightened her; I showed a violent aspect of my personality when I was facing him. She saw it, but the look in her eyes didn't reveal any distress, it was something else, something beautiful and I wish she would always look at me that way; as if I, too, were special to her.

Then I said it, the word that had been burning my lips for two weeks; I couldn't hold it back.

_My singer_.

I was so upset with Carlisle for trying to persuade her to avoid me. He's certain that I'm going to hurt her; and worse, he's convinced that I would do it on purpose. He never understood what happened nine years ago, what compelled me to act so impulsively, and he didn't even try to. But how can he think that I would use an innocent girl so selfishly? That I would just lure her and cruelly kill her?

I had to tell him. He had to understand that she's special to me. The words came out of my mouth before I even realized I was uttering them in front of Bella. She looked so shocked, I thought she was going to run away thinking I was crazy. Again, she didn't; she just asked me to drive her back home. When she was silent the entire ride, I assumed it was over, I was prepared to see her leave and order me never to come back; but she started crying, and it felt like the entire world collapsed under my feet.

_I_ made her cry.

I'm always so vigilant not to hurt her physically that it didn't occur to me that my silence could affect her just as much. I tried my best to reassure her and get her to realize that I wasn't mad at her; I could never be. How could she possibly believe that I would abandon her when all I can think about is finding a way to be a part of her life? She wanted to talk, and I agreed, desperate to spend as much time with her as possible.

Having this particular conversation with her was difficult for me, to say the least. Being in her house, surrounded by her scent and everything that _is_ her was already tough; but then she started pushing me, demanding answers I wasn't ready to give and raising her voice to me, almost yelling. She was so upset, and so gorgeous; sparks of anger were igniting her eyes, a hot pink coloring her cheeks and her heart was pounding in her chest. The vision of Bella heated and wild brought me to the edge of reckless abandon. While I was struggling to keep her safe, she kept her gaze locked on mine, not scared in the slightest but with that similar glint in her eyes I noticed before. She was tantalizing, and it took all my strength not to lift her off the floor to the counter and take her, sink into her in every possible way I could. I managed to regain control somehow when I realized she needed to breathe; of course she wasn't aware of the double entendre in my demand. I had contained the beast, but I was still desperate to feel her and I took the risk of getting closer to her.

She was there, waiting for me, inviting me, and I was finally standing right in front of her. I softly brushed my body against hers and felt the warmth radiating from her skin through her clothes. I brought my nose down to her hair and inhaled deeply, letting her smell burn my throat and fill my lungs completely. My mouth filled with venom and the beast fought harder to break free, a loud grunt erupting from my chest. I had her trapped against her kitchen counter, unbelievably frail and totally defenseless. She was mine to take, and she would have let me, willingly.

I didn't; I couldn't, but the opportunity to play with her reactions, to fully enjoy the effect that our proximity has on her was too tempting to pass. I wanted to seduce her, but I also needed to tell her something real, the truth.

_I want to bite your neck._

This simple sentence elicited such a fiery response in her entire body that I nearly attacked her. I was so close to her, the surge of heat coursing through her and releasing an excruciatingly luscious smell hit me in full force. I fought the beast for domination and left Bella alone in her kitchen with the promise that I would come back to her with answers to her interrogations.

-----

Those answers are not as easy to find as I wished, but I can't keep telling her half-truths. We're getting closer each time we see each other, and consequently it's becoming more hazardous for her. She needs to know the truth. She deserves to be given the opportunity to decide for herself whether this is too dangerous, too complicated for her.

I've stayed in my apartment for the past two days, searching for the most suitable manner to reveal my secret to her. How do you tell someone you're a monster? Whichever method I choose, it will be horrible, and she will run away screaming in terror. If at least I can persuade her to hear the entire story, I could explain to her that I won't hurt her, and that as long as we're cautious, she'd be safe with me.

She might not even stay and listen long enough for me to try and assuage her fears. I should start by reassuring her, and then, when she's convinced that she has no reason to be scared, I can tell her what I am. I won't say the word, though, I'm not allowed to. It's the only law we have to strictly respect; I don't have a choice but to be as specific as I can be, and let her deduce the rest.

In order for her to listen to my explanations, I must choose the location of our conversation carefully. If I bring her to my apartment, she might be too afraid, feel trapped, and leave as soon as given the opportunity. If I go to her house, she might ask me to leave as soon as she feels threatened by my presence, and I won't stay if doesn't want me to.

The last and probably best alternative is a public place. Somewhere quiet where we can talk in peace, but with enough people around us so that she'll feel protected. That little restaurant in Port Angeles where I first saw her would be the perfect place.

At some point in my reflection I considered calling Alice. I wish I could ask her if she's had a vision about this. Maybe this is all part of the original vision she had about Bella. Honestly, I'm nervous about her predictions, about what it could mean for Bella and me, and what consequences it would have if she showed me what she saw. I'm also not completely comfortable with having Alice involved in my relationship (if I can call it that) with Bella, since her motive for bringing her into my life is still obscure to me. I'm not sure she wouldn't try to manipulate me into doing what she believes is best, and she's convinced that the best is to get me to come back to them. I don't want to, especially not after my encounter with Carlisle and the realization that his opinion of me is even more negative than what I imagined.

So I came to the conclusion that I'll go see her at the bookstore tomorrow and invite her to have dinner with me after work. I have no doubt she'll accept my invitation without hesitating. I'll take her to that place in Port Angeles, and we'll sit down in a quiet corner of the restaurant. I'll explain to her that my revelations will be extremely hard to hear, even more difficult to believe; and that I have no intention of hurting her. Then I'll give her as many details as I can and let her figure out what I am. Depending on which direction the discussion goes and how she reacts, I'll adjust.

Perhaps she should meet me there, and have her car with her in case she wants to leave. I don't want her to feel trapped. I want her to feel like she can trust me, even though she shouldn't.

***

It's getting dark outside; I'll leave my apartment soon. I need to feed; even though I last fed only two weeks ago, the night before I met Bella, and I usually can go four to five weeks until I need to hunt again. Being around her scent is so enticing that it's safer if I'm fully sated; especially tomorrow night for our predictably intense conversation. If I want her to trust me, to be convinced that she isn't really in danger with me and that I can control myself, I need to be able to prove it to her. I can't be on the verge of killing her every time she blushes or her heartbeat accelerates, which apparently happens to her quite often when she's around me. As much as I'm enjoying witnessing the effect of my presence on her, my confession will probably render her extremely nervous, and I need to make sure I'll remain as serene as possible.

-----

It's finally dark enough for me to go. I exit my apartment and head straight to a specific neighborhood, well known for its crime rate. There're only a few stores in this area, and several bars hidden in dark alleys, the place of choice for men with bad intentions. I wander around those alleys, listening attentively to every thought I can pick up. I'm searching, seeking out the scared mind of an innocent woman trying to get back to her car after work, or the vicious thoughts of a serial rapist cornering his next victim. After only a few minutes, I vaguely discern the stream of several minds coming from a few blocks away. I walk faster toward it, concentrating on the indistinct images. There're three, maybe four different minds; four men. No girl. A sickening feeling creeps inside of me as I realize that I can sense the presence of a girl in their thoughts, even though I don't see her clearly; but I can't hear her.

_No… please let me hear the girl. Let it not be_ her.

I start running as fast as I can but they're quite far. As I get closer I begin to hear her heart hammering in her chest, the blood flowing frenetically in her veins and her sweet smell intoxicating me.

_NO….not her!_

In no more than a split second, I have all the images invading my head. Bella, _my_ Bella, cornered by these four men. One of them is pinning her to the side of her car, one hand holding her wrists behind her back, the other one sliding under her sweater.

An animalistic wrath is building up inside of me as I hear what they plan on doing to her, their wicked thoughts flashing in my mind. I see her, my angel, trapped under those men, one after the other, her clothes torn apart, her face bruised and covered with tears and blood as they hit her to keep her quiet. I can see her eyes empty, dead, the life pulled out of them. The rage is overtaking me. I'll save her, they'll never get to that point; and they'll pay for even thinking it. Through this criminal's mind I see her pushed against the truck, her brown eyes filled with tears, and the painful expression on her face: she's terrified and defeated, she doesn't even try to defend herself. The bastard is touching her, and I want to rip his hand off. I can feel the warmth of Bella's soft, delicate skin; and in that moment I can't help but be jealous of him.

It takes me roughly two seconds to reach them, and when I see her pinned to that car with my own eyes, the rage takes control of me completely; the beast is unleashed. I let out a loud growl, not caring about who might hear me. They all stop and look around frantically, trying to locate where the threatening sound came from. They don't see me, they can't, I'm much too fast for them to even comprehend what's happening. I grab them one by one in one swift movement and snap their neck before throwing them against the concrete wall behind me, and they fall down on the ground in a loud thud, lifeless.

Bella remains there, completely still, her eyes wide open in shock; she didn't see me …yet. Her heart is beating so fast, and her blood …I can hear it run through her body, pulsing in her veins at a hypnotizing, frantic rhythm. Her deliciously tempting blood is calling to me, the smell infiltrating my nostrils and intoxicating my entire being; and the beast wants a taste of it. My throat burns and my body is aching for her. I need to drink.

_I want to drink her._

In the back of my mind I register the feel of Bella's skin on this man's hand and I let out another growl.

_She's mine._

I brutally pull him away from her and I struggle to keep control of my actions. The animal inside me wants to crush my body against hers and let her singing blood quench my scorching thirst; but the man is battling to restrain the monster, and keep her alive. This is what I came to do, what I have to do: save her life. I shift my focus on the man who unwisely attacked and almost took what belongs to me. I effortlessly force him to kneel in front of her, but out of reach. The hunger is too overpowering, and the smell of her blood is maddening. If I want her to be safe, from me even more than from them, I have to feed. Now.

I crouch behind my kneeling prey, and with one arm across his chest I hold him steady against me. He's confused, he doesn't understand what's happening. I was too fast, only mere seconds passed, he didn't see me coming.

_This is why I'm a much more lethal predator than you are._

With my other hand I grab his hair and pull his head to the side, exposing his pounding artery. I sink my teeth in his jugular and let the blood flow in my mouth.

It all happened extremely fast, Bella can only now take in the sight in front her. She sees me but doesn't move for a second before dropping down to her knees, visibly too shocked by what she witnesses. A million different expressions cross her beautiful face as she drifts her gaze from her assailant to me, and down to my mouth on his neck. Then I can see it in her eyes, the horror, the revulsion …she knows. I want to go to her, talk to her and try to reassure her, but if I release my prey and approach her I won't be strong enough to restrain the thirsty beast. She lifts her stare to mine and I see a second wave of shock hit her. She notices something she hadn't before, something I hadn't thought of up until this moment: my eyes are red, and it's the first time I let her see them without my black contacts.

She keeps her gaze locked on mine for a few moments. I crush my prey to my chest, gathering all my strength not to drop him and take her instead. The blood pouring in my mouth seems tasteless and barely soothe my aching throat as I'm surrounded by the most delectable and appealing aroma that exists for me.

I watch her carefully, and suddenly something snaps inside of her and a veil comes clouding her eyes. She's no longer looking at me, her vision in unfocused. I hastily finished with my victim and let him fall on the ground, wiping the small drop of blood on my lips with his shirt. At this very moment, all my thirst for her becomes insignificant compared to the worry that is increasingly tightening my chest.

What have I done? I didn't hurt her physically but this might be worse. I slowly rise to my feet and walk to her, careful not to make any abrupt move. I take the few steps separating us and crouch in front of her. She isn't moving; she's kneeling beside her car, her hands at her sides, feebly bracing herself on the pavement, her jeans damp with the residual rain on the ground. She's still looking in front of her, but at nothing in particular.

"Bella?" I whisper tentatively, in the gentlest voice I can muster. "Bella, please talk to me." I can't keep the worry from seeping through the words, but she doesn't answer. She doesn't even blink.

I take a quick glance around us: four corpses are sprawled on the ground in the street. I need to get her out of here; if someone saw us here, I don't know how I would answer their questions.

"Bella, please answer me. We need to get away from here … Please, Bella." I plead, but she doesn't respond. I'll have to get her in the car myself. I'll have to carry her in my arms. My entire body trembles in anticipation. I only hope she won't scream as soon as I touch her, and that's a rather conceivable possibility.

I hesitantly lift my hand and reach out to her. I stop an inch away from her arm, just for a second, to give her time to stop me if she wants to. She doesn't. I gently put my hand on her shoulder and she doesn't react. Part of me is relieved that she's not screaming and trying to get away from me, but truthfully her catatonic state isn't more encouraging.

I keep one hand on her shoulder and with the other one, I start searching her pockets for her car keys. I find them easily in her coat pocket, unlock her car and quickly walk around it to open the passenger door. I go back to her and she hasn't moved an inch. I tentatively reach under her arms, hoping she won't feel trapped by my grip, and lift her up with me as I stand. She can almost hold herself up, but I'm afraid she'll fall if I let go of her. I slowly slide one arm around her shoulders and the other under her knees and I lift her off the ground. I hold her far enough from my body as I walk to the other side of the car, not sure whether it would be wise to press her against my chest, for her as well as for me.

I place her in the car and close the passenger door. I notice a small package on the ground, a few feet away from her car. I pick it up and read the inscription on it; it's the address of the bookstore around the corner of the street, which explains Bella's presence in this part of Seattle. I put the box on the back of the truck and get in the driver's seat. I start the car and drive to my apartment without hesitating. I can't bring her back to her house and leave her there in her current condition, and I don't feel comfortable staying with her and being in her home while she's practically unconscious.

Bella spends the ten minute drive staring at nothing through the windshield and I'm growing really anxious about what's happening to her. What she saw must have been deeply traumatizing for her, I hope I'll manage to get her out of her mental shutdown on my own, and rapidly.

I park in front of my building and try one last time to wake her up.

"Bella? …Bella, can you hear me? Please, say something?" My voice sounds desperate even to me. She doesn't say anything.

I hold her in my arms again to get her out of the car, into the building, in the elevator and inside my apartment without any reaction from her at all. I walk to the living room and put her down on the couch in a sitting position since she isn't sleeping, even though she doesn't seem that conscious. I try my best to make her comfortable; I cautiously take off her coat so she won't be too hot, and prop her against the cushions, her hands in her lap. She stays in this position. I'm careful not to touch her skin, but only her clothes as I move her. I don't know how she would react to the feel of my cold skin against hers; I also don't know how _I_ would react to the feel of her warmth, and I don't want to test my resolve if not absolutely necessary. I don't bother turning on the lights and leave us in the semi-darkness, the room only lit by the city lights coming from the three large floor-to-ceiling windows. I contemplate sitting next to Bella, I want to stay close to her; but my closeness probably won't help ease her fear, if she's even aware of my presence. I must give her some space, so I opt for the armchair beside the couch.

I stay there for an eternity, watching her, observing every intake of breath, listening to every heartbeat, waiting for her eyes to focus on me, on anything; but they remain empty, like she isn't in there anymore.

I try not to let panic and anxiety overcome me as I'm waiting for her to regain consciousness, and I'm startled by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I reach for it and check who's calling before I answer.

"Alice, how the hell didn't you see this?" I spit at her, not even bothering to say hello.

"_Nice language, Edward, being on your own really works for you."_ She spits back. "_And you know how my visions work. I saw it too late, and you had to be there to save her. I thought you weren't interested in what I saw, anyway."_

"This is different, this isn't about your scheming to bring me back home; I could have killed her. I almost did …" I trail off, the next word coming out in a shameful whisper, "I wanted to kill her, Alice, so badly."

"_I knew you wouldn't. Edward, I wouldn't have let you go there if I had thought for one second that you'd_ _kill her. How is she,_ _now?"_ She asks, her voice full of concern.

"Not good at all. She saw me feed, she's in shock. She hasn't said a word or even moved since that moment. I had to carry her, and I brought her back to my place." My voice gradually rises as I'm speaking. I'm unable to keep my composed façade any longer, seeing Bella like this and knowing I'm responsible for it is making me lose my mind.

"_Edward, try to stay calm. Losing your temper in front of her isn't going to help_."

"I know, I just …It hurts to see her like this. She's locked in her head and I can't hear her, I don't know what she's thinking. I have no idea what to do." I yell, pulling at my hair, before calming down. "Alice, I …please help me. Tell me what to do." I beg, my voice cracking at the end. She's the only one who can tell me how I need to deal with this situation, what I need to do to help Bella come back to me, even if it's only to leave me a minute after. I need to know she's fine. Whatever Alice will tell me to do, I will.

We remain silent for a moment; I let her concentrate on her visions.

"_You need to give her more time to process what she saw. I can only catch glimpses of her future, and it's all blurry. I honestly can't tell what her reaction is going to be when she wakes up, because she doesn't know how she feels about it,_ _yet. Edward, you almost literally scared the life out of her, she needs time to recover from the shock."_ She states firmly, but I can sense in her tone the affection she still feels for me. She wants nothing but to help me, I can see it, now.

"I know. I'm so worried for her, I even considered taking her to the hospital, but I don't know how I'll answer all the questions."

"_Don't take her there; Carlisle will rip your head off if he sees her like this._ _A doctor won't be able to help, anyway. I think she just needs some time to deal with this."_

"I can't believe I screwed this up so badly."I mutter, dropping my head in my hand.

"_Again with the language, seriously? And you didn't ... _screw_ anything up. Don't blame yourself for this. There's nothing you could have done differently; otherwise I would have told you beforehand. Don't worry, big brother, I'm sure she's going to be fine. I'll call you if I see anything more."_ Her voice is so calm, soothing. She seems so sure of herself; I really want to believe her.

"Thank you, little sis." I offer genuinely, because right now, I feel like her brother again, and I realize that I've missed that feeling.

I hang up the phone and put it down on the coffee table in front of me. Bella hasn't moved the entire time. I lean back on my chair and watch her inhale and exhale even breaths, her face disturbingly at peace, her eyes blank. We remain in this exact position, both of us completely motionless, for what seems like hours; and maybe it _is_ actually hours, I'm not sure and I won't bother to look. Nothing could make me tear my gaze away from her, just in case she'd move as much as her little finger. I won't risk missing any sign of improvement. Also, she's here because of me, I put her in that state, and I'm going to stay right here with her, I'll stand by her for as long as it takes for her to focus her eyes on something again. I won't let go of her.

It's the middle of the night when my cell phone buzzes again on the coffee table. I pick it up hastily and read the text Alice sent me.

_**Get her out of he**__**r**__** daze**__**. N**__**ow.**_

_**You'll know how.**_

_**A.**_

-

I stare at the small screen, trying to understand what she means as the worry is tightening my chest, constricting my ribcage and I feel like my bones are going to shatter. She had a vision, evidently, and I need to get Bella out of whatever's happening to her. Alice is urging me to do something, anything, now. There's only one possible explanation: Bella's health is at risk, she's getting worse. What will happen to her if I can't wake her? And how am I supposed to do that?

I put the phone down and slowly move closer to her, not allowing her smell to distract me. I kneel in front her, at her feet, trying to figure out how to proceed. My face is in her line of vision but she doesn't see me. I glance down at her hands in her lap and I suddenly understand, I realize that the simplest gesture could be the most effective. The one thing I've wanted to do for the past two weeks. The one thing I've been avoiding so obstinately, too afraid of her reaction to my unnatural temperature; and too nervous about my reaction to the feel of her warm skin.

I cautiously lift my hand and bring it closer to hers, without touching the rest of her body. In one painfully slow movement, I brush one fingertip against the back of her hand. I'm stunned by the reaction of both our bodies to this light touch. The contact to her skin sends a tingling sensation in my hand; and I notice the shivers crawling from her hand up her wrist and under her sweater. I look up at her face, but there's no change in her eyes. I try on more time, but I decide to be more daring if I want it to be efficient. I softly lay my hand on top of hers and slip the tip of my fingers under her palm. The tingling feeling creeps up to my elbow and I feel her quivering. I instantly look back up and she's here, she's back, staring at me. I'm so relieved that she's out of her stupor, I can't keep the smile from spreading on my lips before I realize she's still shocked. She's searching my eyes, and in hers the horror and disgust has been replaced by uncertainty and disbelief.

"Bella." I sigh. I need her to talk to me, I need to explain to her.

"Your eyes…" she breathes shakily, and I instantly drop my gaze and move away from her quickly; probably too quickly. In a split second I let go of her hand and I'm sitting on the coffee table in front of her, my eyes cast down. The rapidity of my movement must have surprised her, I hear her gasp, but she doesn't move from the couch. I was so worried about her, I forgot that she would be scared of my blood-red eyes when she'd look at me. How could I forget something like this? I'm almost afraid to look back at her and see her lost in a daze again.

"Edward?" She whispers.

"Yes?" I'm relieved that she's talking to me, but I'm still hiding my eyes from her.

"Am I …crazy? What I saw …?" Her voice is trembling, I can tell she's about to cry. I don't know what to do, whether I should I go to her and try to comfort her, or keep a distance between us. I still don't know if she's scared of me, if she knows that she's safe here with me. I have to tell her everything; no more half-truths, no more cryptic allusions to make me appear better than I truly am.

"No, you're not crazy, Bella. You saw what I am."

I'm still looking down at my feet as she takes in a shaky breath and releases it in a loud, heartbreaking sob. I lift my gaze to her face; tears are rolling down her cheeks, drops falling on her lap. She's biting her lip and gripping the edge of the couch, as if she was trying to refrain from crying. She looks so fragile, so weak. I can see the hurt in her eyes, and she's on the verge of collapsing under its weight.

She isn't fleeing from me, she doesn't seem frightened, only lost. I can't bear the sight of her so frail and fatigued, suffering while I'm unable to help her. I hesitantly move toward her, and resume my kneeling position in front of her, just like a few minutes ago. She's watching me approach, her gaze locked on mine; and surprisingly she doesn't flinch. I slowly bring my hands closer to hers and place them on top of hers. She doesn't move them away. I lightly graze her fingers with my thumbs, progressively coercing her into releasing her tight grip on the cushions. Her deep brown eyes bore into mine for a few minutes before she drops her gaze to my lips, then my neck, and I see her bite her lip harder and blink away a new flow of tears. She brings her eyes further down and stops at my chest, where my inert heart rests, dead.

I'm dead. She must be grasping that fact at this very moment, and once more, just when I'm expecting her to recoil, she does the exact opposite. She leans forward in a self-assured movement, and rests her forehead on my chest. I'm stunned by her confidence and her trust in me, but I stay still, listening to her breath hitch before she starts crying, her loud sobs tearing through the silence in the room. I bring my nose down to her hair and we remain that way for the longest time. I inhale her sweet smell with each breath I take, and caress her fingers with my thumbs until she's all cried out.

She finally lifts her head from my chest and tries to sit up straight. She's almost too tired, too weak to hold her head up, thoroughly exhausted, and I let her lie down on my couch. She curls herself in a fetal position as I release one of her hands to grab the small blanket I keep here for appearances and cover her with it. When I get up, assuming I should let her sleep in peace, she tightens her grip on my hand she's still holding and pulls me back closer to her without saying a word. I sit back down beside the couch and watch her in awe as she's staring into my red eyes, the same expression on her face she had at the hospital, and when we were in her kitchen; she's looking at me like I'm special; not a monster. Emboldened by the blissful feeling of her undeserved affection, I bring my free hand to her hair and start running my fingers in her long brown locks. She sighs contentedly as her eyes flutter close, and falls asleep almost instantly.

I stay beside her as she keeps my hand in hers, holding it tight in her sleep, and stare at her in wonder. She's offering me her trust unreservedly, and I'll give myself to her entirely. She was made for me, I belong to her.

* * *

_**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews, so many of you loved the way Bella found out about Edward, I was really overwhelmed by all your kind words. You guys are awesome :)**_

_**Next chapter, we'll be back in BPOV.**_

_**As usual, my beta theotherbella is the best, I love her! And if you're not already reading at least one of her stories, you definitely should!**_

_**Please keep reviewing, I want to know what you think. And if you tell me what you like, I might just give it to you! ;)  
**_

_**Also, you can follow me on twitter DdreamingFairy and possibly get a teaser!**_


	10. In the cold light of morning

**Chapter 9 – In the cold light of morning**

**BPOV**

_I lift my gaze to meet Edward's stare and my heart stops. He's looking at me_ _as he's… drinking. His eyes lock with mine, and even in the semi-darkness I can see clearly the rich,_ _burning red in them, dancing and flowing… just like blood. _

_I inhale sharply and it all goes black._

I don't see anything; I can't hear anything. Time has suspended and I don't know where I am. I blink, forcing my eyes to focus but I'm surrounded by darkness. My feet aren't touching the ground; I'm floating on air, thick and asphyxiating, supported by the dark arms of nothingness. I'm drifting, aimless, in the abyss of this black hole that swallowed me whole. I feel oddly safe, protected; no one can hurt me, here. I don't want to leave the void, I welcome the silence; it's peaceful. I dread returning to the terrifying scene of Edward, _my_ Edward, beautiful and mesmerizing, transformed into a brutal, sadistic animal.

Was it even real? It can't be. Surely I'm having I nightmare. What I saw, what he was doing… it's impossible, these creatures don't exist. I created this in my head, like any other dream I had about Edward. It's the only rational explanation. Soon I'll wake up, and it will all be fine.

Something catches my attention; I hear it somewhere around me, far away in the darkness: a sound, a voice. The sound is too weak, I'm unable to distinguish the words; or recognize whose voice it is. Suddenly a weight is pulling me downward, and I fall. I keep sinking in hollowness, further and further down, my arms reaching out as I try desperately to grab something to hold on to; but there's nothing. The sensation stops abruptly before I hit the ground.

I'm drifting again, swirling in emptiness. My body feels as light as a feather, but at the same time so heavy I can't move it. I'm basking in the feeling of security, the peace, unaware of how much time passes.

Then there's a voice again, and I can almost hear it, now. I concentrate, focusing on the sound of it, and I finally recognize it. It's Edward; he's calling out to me. I'm lost, confused, not knowing whether I should answer him or be scared. Is he going to hurt me?

I hesitate a second too long and, before I can decide to move or talk, I'm falling again, pulled down this bottomless hole. The sensation is debilitating, I'm helpless and I'm getting scared. It feels like my chest is tightly gripped and forced to come down and I don't want to, I'm fighting against it, afraid I'll crash on the ground. Once again it stops abruptly, and there's nothing left but the void. The variation in sensations is unsettling. If I could just wake up from my dream, and be back in my bed…

_Back_ in my bed? I don't remember _going_ to bed. Something doesn't fit, when did I fall asleep? I was at work waiting for Edward, to Seattle for the books, and then …those men, I remember…and Edward…

It was all real, it happened. He was there and he fought those men…for me. He looked different, wild, violent, an animal. He warned me that he was dangerous, but I never thought he could be that lethal. He could have easily attacked me. Maybe he did; the last thing I remember is his blood-red eyes staring back at me. Perhaps he hurt me, perhaps I'm dead; although it's doubtful considering I hear his voice; which also means that he most likely isn't far from me. If he _is_ with me and he didn't hurt me; then it means he just …saved me?

He had so many occasions to harm me, yet he never did. He kept telling me that he wanted me to be safe, that I should stay away from him; and maybe I should have. I'm not sure I'll be able to stay with him now that I've seen this side of himself, his true nature. Now that I know what he's capable of, and what he really is, a vam…

I can't say it, I can't even think it; this is surreal. I must be crazy; I must have hallucinated. Yet, what I witnessed explains everything; every word he said to me, as well as his father or Alice; it all fits.

I hear a humming sound surrounding me again; it's probably his voice but it sounds far away, I'm not sure, I can't hear it clearly. I try to concentrate but I can't distinguish the exact words. Progressively the voice becomes clearer, like moving closer to me, and I can finally hear it. Edward, it's him, but he isn't talking to me, and he seems upset. His voice gets even louder and I vaguely discern his words.

"… _can't hear her, I don't know what she's thinking. I have no idea what to do."_

He's talking about me, but I can't hear who he's having this conversation with. He's there, so close to me, and he seems worried about me. I must have passed out in front of him and he's taking care of me. He didn't hurt me, he never did.

His voice is weakening, drifting away; the last word I hear before the silence takes over again is a name, _Alice._

He was talking to his sister, and the conversation we had a little more than two weeks ago, now, comes back to me. Her concern for her brother, her pain seeing him lost, her desperate desire to get him back. I remember the anguish in her golden-brown eyes, and the last advice she gave me.

_When the time to make a decision comes, just remember that sometimes the right choice isn't the safer one._

I was puzzled by her words when she said them to me. I spent hours, days attempting to decipher what she meant, but now I understand. This is it; I need to make a decision, now. I have to choose whether I want to be with Edward, regardless of what he is; or whether this part of him is too troubling for me to accept. He _is_ dangerous, much more than what he originally implied, but he didn't harm me, he protected me, saved me. I owe him my life, yet I wonder if I can be sure that he'll never hurt me in the future. I can't ignore what he is, and how he feeds. I could never have a normal relationship with him.

On the other hand, is a normal relationship really what I want? The sensations I've experienced every time I'm with him have been anything but normal. My entire body responds so intensely to his presence, and I've never felt more alive in my whole life.

The safer choice is undoubtedly to stay away from him, never see him again and live my life without him. I would maybe date someone else, and I could have a normal, dull relationship, with a boring, insipid man who wouldn't be even close to eliciting similar reactions in me the way Edward does.

I don't want this; I don't want the safer choice, I want the one that allows me to be with Edward. The mere idea of not being with him is unbearable. I need him so desperately, my chest hurts at the thought of him leaving me and I can't breathe. I know he's here with me, I heard him. I need to see him, to touch him; I need to know we're together. I just have to wake up and tell him that I'm not afraid, that I trust him not to hurt me.

I want to wake up, but I'm struggling to regain consciousness. I try to move but I can't, I barely feel my body. I'm still floating in the darkness, alone, and I can't reach out to Edward. I try to speak but it's all in my head, I know I'm not pronouncing the words out loud. I take in a deep breath but my lungs feel empty; I concentrate on my throat and try to scream as loud as I can, but no sound is coming out. I start to panic but my body doesn't react, I'm completely numb. The darkness is no longer safe, I feel it crushing me, smothering me and I suffocate.

I'm startled by a burning sensation on the back of my hand, and an electric current rushing up my arm. The same feeling of being pulled downward takes over me again, much stronger than before, and I want to let myself fall, not caring if I hit the ground. I want to get out of the void, I want to go back to Edward. The burning on my hand accentuates and I focus on it, I hold on to that sensation like a guiding light, hoping it'll bring me back to him.

I blink once and suddenly he's there, in front of me, looking at me with a smile on his face and utter relief in his eyes. His red eyes.

I'm so fascinated by the rich, dancing color that it's the only answer I can mutter when he says my name. He moves away so quickly I don't even see it, releasing my hand he was holding. I realize only now that the burning sensation came from his touch; _he_ brought me back. I watch him as he frowns, a shameful expression on his face.

I know what I saw last night, I have no doubt about it, but some part of my brain is trying to convince me that it's not possible. I need him to tell me the truth, and he does. He seems ashamed of what he is; and I'm confused, I don't know how to handle this situation. The combination of overwhelming emotions running through me is too much to contain, and a loud sob escapes my throat, making him lift his gaze to mine. I get lost in his red stare as he's looking at me, tortured, and I gather all my strength not to crumble under the weight of my emotions.

I watch him carefully as he starts moving toward me, his eyes silently asking me permission to let him come closer, and I stay very still. I need him, I want him to be near me, closer, so I don't move, not wanting to risk him moving back to the coffee table. He lays his hands on mine, grazing my fingers with his thumbs, and the coldness of his skin feels oddly natural; I instinctively relax under his touch. His eyes bore into mine and I'm disarmed by the depth of his stare. It's him; no matter what color his eyes are, I'm drowning in them.

I slowly drop my gaze to his lips, and then his neck. I fight back the sobs building in my chest, but I'm unable to hold back the tears as images of what happened earlier flash back in my mind. I bring my eyes further down and stop at his heart; and I realize…he's dead.

He's dead, but I'm alive because of him. I don't care what he is, how he feeds, or how dangerous he is; I don't care at all. I need him in order to feel alive, I want him desperately. I want to confess my sentiments to him, but my throat is too constricted to get out any sound.

Without thinking I lean forward and rest my forehead on his chest. He stiffens but doesn't move away. I'm relieved to be with him, to finally be able to touch him; I feel safe with him. All the tension, all the emotions I locked inside me until now are becoming too heavy to bear, and I let it all out in loud sobs filling the silence in the room.

When I have no more tears to cry, I'm so exhausted I can't even hold my head up. He helps me lie down on the couch (his couch, I assume) and covers me with a blanket. He tries to release my hand as he stands up but I hold it tightly, not willing to let him go. I want him to stay with me, to never leave me, ever.

He sits down besides the couch with a dazzling glint in his eyes, making me feel exceptional, once again. I remember the words he said to me…"_you're very special to me"_; and he doesn't realize how special he is to me, too.

He starts running his fingers in my hair, and I close my eyes. I fall asleep feeling safe and protected. I know I can trust him absolutely; I belong to him.

-----

I wake up in the morning after the best night of sleep I've had in weeks, but I feel a little disoriented. I open my eyes to a blurry view of downtown Seattle as the rain is pouring against three large floor-to-ceiling windows. It takes me a second to recall everything that happened last night, how Edward saved me; and I realize he brought me in his apartment. I sit up and notice a small piece of paper on the coffee table in front of me; I hastily pick it up and read the words written flawlessly on it:

_Bella,_

_I'll be right back,_

_please don't leave while I'm gone._

_ Edward_

-

I smile at the note, pleased that Edward wants me to wait for him. I fold it, put it in my pocket and look around me, taking in my surroundings; the brown leather couch I've been sleeping on, the beige fluffy rug under the wooden coffee table, partially covering the dark hardwood floor. On the wall to my right there's a massive fireplace, and the opposite wall has been transformed into a huge bookcase. I'm curious to see what books he owns, what he likes to read; I move closer and run my finger along the spines. There's so many of them, mainly classics, some of them even first editions that are awfully expensive. I look up to the higher shelf; it isn't filled with novels but several dozens of small leather bound books. I can't reach them, but from where I stand they look handmade, more like journals, and I notice three larger ones isolated from the rest, poking out of the shelf.

I'm trying to contain my curiosity and refrain from looking at what Edward must have written in those journals when I'm startled by the sound of the door being unlocked. I turn to see him walk in and my breath hitches at the sight of him. He's breathtaking; he's dripping wet, his hair damp, and he's flashing his dazzling crooked smile at me.

"I got you breakfast." He says proudly, holding up the bag in his hand, and I melt. He shrugs out of his jacket and takes off his shoes; then he walks to his kitchen and I follow him. He puts the bag down on the bar and turns to me. "I'm glad you're still here."

"You asked me to stay, but you locked the door behind you." I say timidly, and it sounds like a question.

"I was hoping you wouldn't try to open it." He answers just as shyly.

"I didn't. I heard the lock when you came back. I'm glad to be here, too." I reassure him, and his smile widens.

He motions for me to sit down on one of the bar stools and starts unpacking my breakfast. He puts a coffee in front of me and then an assortment of croissants and various French pastries. He looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to start eating, but something is bothering me.

"Your eyes are black again." Once more, it sounds more like a question. He tenses in front of me and looks down for a moment before lifting his gaze back to mine.

"I'm wearing contacts. It makes it easier to go unnoticed." He says softly, watching my reaction carefully.

"Could you… take them off, please?" I mutter hesitantly.

"You want me to take them off?" He repeats incredulously, as if he wasn't sure he heard me right.

"Yes. You don't need to hide from me, Edward, not anymore." I explain earnestly. "I think we're way past that point." I add half-jokingly.

He stares at me for a moment, assessing how serious I am about this, and probably deliberating on whether he should comply with my demand.

"Ok." He finally says as he starts walking toward the hallway, presumably to his bathroom. I wait eagerly, barely nibbling at my breakfast. He comes back a few minutes later, looking down at his feet, clearly avoiding my gaze.

"Edward, look at me. I'm not scared of you." I say softly. He lifts his head slowly until his eyes reach mine. They're bright red, luminous, captivating. He's visibly expecting me to flinch, fear evident on his face, but I just smile at him.

"How can you not be scared of me?" He whispers, shaking his head in disbelief. "Bella, we have to talk about what happened." He adds, his tone resolute.

"I know. Will you answer my questions, now?" I ask in a sweet voice.

"I promise. You can ask me anything. There are so many things you need to know about me." He answers, leaning back against the counter. It appears that kitchens are our new place of choice for heavy discussions.

"Why did you leave me alone for two whole days?" I try hard not to make it sound like an accusation.

"That's what you want to know? After everything you've seen, that's what's bothering you the most?" He asks dubiously. His face is unreadable, I can't tell if he's upset or amused right now.

"Edward, I waited for you, I spent two days looking everywhere around me, hoping to see you; and you weren't there. I started thinking you wouldn't come back, that you didn't want to tell me your big secret. And then you're there, you save me, and you show me what you are. Is this how you wanted to reveal everything to me? Did you plan this?" I rush the words out of my mouth before I lose the courage to say them.

"No, of course I didn't plan this. Bella, I would never put you in danger on purpose, how could you think that?" He replies, and I can see in his eyes that he's insulted by my assumptions. His face relaxes slightly as he continues. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come back to you, but it wasn't an easy thing to divulge. I didn't want to lose you; I never considered not telling you, but I had to find the proper way to proceed. I had planned to come see you today and invite you to dinner; and I would have explained everything to you."

"How did you find me in that alley, then?" I'm trying to understand; was he following me again?

"I was there to feed, Bella." He's watching me carefully as I take in his words, his eyes never leaving mine. I should be horrified, disgusted probably; but there's only one emotion filling my heart at this moment, and I need to get it off my chest.

"Thank you." I sigh.

"What for?" He asks softly, clearly not understanding what I mean, or how I feel.

"For saving my life. Even if it means you had to kill him." I explain, my voice still a whisper. He stares at me for a few seconds, his eyes wide open, and faintly shakes his head.

"Bella, I don't think you fully understand what happened there." He starts, his tone kind, gentle. "First of all, I killed all four of them." He pauses a moment, and I strain to keep my breaths even. "And second of all, I didn't _have_ to kill them in order to save you. I did it because seeing you like this, and hearing what they planned on doing to you, I lost control. You're lucky I didn't hurt you, too." He adds drearily.

"How many?" I pronounce the words without thinking, and I fear the answer.

"How many what?" Again he isn't following my train of thoughts.

"How many people have you killed?" I clarify as evenly as possible.

"I don't know." He simply utters, looking right at me, and my heart sinks. He doesn't flinch, he doesn't seem ashamed. He's showing me exactly who he is, and it's worse than what I expected.

"You don't know?" I retort, my voice involuntarily rising.

"Bella, I've been feeding this way for the past nine years; hunting criminals, killers and rapists. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes two, three, four… At some point I lost count." He isn't hiding anymore, he isn't sparing me; and I feel sick.

"Oh God…" I mutter , holding my head in my hands. "Is that all we are to you? Food?"

"No, of course not." His tone is flat, not betraying whatever he's feeling. "But this how I feed; this is who I am. And I assume now is the moment you run away from me." Finally his voice wavers and I can sense the pain seeping through the words. I lift my head to look at him and he's staring down at the floor.

"Have you ever killed someone…innocent?" I dread hearing the truth, but I need to know.

"Never." I replies instantly as his head snaps up. "I'm not completely evil."

"Then I'm not running away." I sigh in relief.

We both stare at each other for a few moments before he starts speaking again.

"I hope you won't be mad at me, but I knew we had to talk so I took the liberty of calling your boss and I told her you wouldn't come to work today."

"What? Why did you do that? What did you tell her?" I start to panic a little. I had completely forgotten about work, I don't even know what time it is; and I'm afraid I'll lose my job.

"To be honest I was hoping you'd rather spend the day with me than with her." He whispers seductively. "I told her that your car broke down and you got sick waiting in the rain. Don't worry she became very cooperative when I implied that since you were here for work, she should cover the cost of the repairs."

"You lied to her?" I ask disbelievingly, not sure why I'm even surprised by this.

"Yes, shamelessly." He answers as he walks slowly in my direction, never taking his eyes away from mine, a small smile forming at the corner of his mouth. "Didn't you want to stay with me?" He asks as he stops right in front of me, shifting my bar stool slightly so that I'm facing him.

"Yes." I breathe, tying hard to focus on what I want to ask next. "Edward?"

"Yes?" He whispers, leaning forward, his hands gripping either side of the stool, his thumbs touching my thighs. My heart races and my temperature rises instantly as a crooked smile appears on his lips and the bright red of his eyes darken into a velvety crimson. I'm lost in him, unable to form a coherent thought, until I hear him chuckle. "Did you want to ask me something, Bella?"

"Yes, um…" I mumble as I get out of my haze. "How difficult is it for you to be near me, like this?"

"It's agonizingly difficult, but at the same time it's blissfully enjoyable." He whispers, bringing his lips close to my ear. "You have no idea the effect you have on me, Bella."

"You said…you want to bite my neck…" I trail off and he stiffens before nuzzling my hair, right behind my ear.

"I do, so much it's almost unbearable. I want to bite your neck, your ear, every inch of your skin." His voice is low and sultry and I fight the urge to tilt my head to the side and give him access to what he wants. He didn't give me the answer I was expecting, though, and I need to know.

"Did you ever want to …kill me?" I mutter hesitantly. He stills completely, his nose in my hair, for several long seconds; and I don't move either, my heart racing, suddenly afraid of his answer. He leisurely pulls away and locks his eyes on mine; his hands travel from the edge of the stool to my thighs and down to the back of my knees. His eyes are dark, but he's calm, serene and I know I trust him completely, no matter what. He grabs my knees a little tighter and pulls them apart, allowing him to step between my legs and be closer to me, our bodies brushing against one another.

"Bella, I don't want to lie to you." He starts, never breaking eye contact and tracing small circles on my thighs with his thumbs, right above my knees. I already know what he's about to say, but I don't stop him; I need to hear it. "I did. I wanted to kill you the first time I caught your scent, even before I saw you. The smell of your blood is extremely appealing to me, more than anybody else's. It is so only to me; as if it was made for me. And last night, too, I wanted your blood so much, I never thought I'd be strong enough to resist. This is why I had to feed in front of you. It was either him or you." He talks in a whisper, slowly, tenderly. He gives me time to process everything but I'm speechless. I try to find the words to tell him how I feel about this, but I'm not even sure I know myself how I feel. I eventually say the first thing that pops into my head.

"I understand." I murmur as a small smile reappears on his lips.

"You understand that I want to drink your blood?" He asks skeptically, and visibly amused by the absence of any instinct of self-preservation in me.

"I understand that I was made for you. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it." I tell him sincerely.

"Bella…" He sighs as he rests his forehead on mine; and very slowly, his right hand travels from my knee up my thigh, lightly grazing my hip, my lower back and up to my nape. I lift my hands carefully, just like I did the first time we were this close. He doesn't stop me this time, and I place them on his waist. My breathing is ragged, my heart is hammering in my chest, and I feel his grip tighten around my knee and the back of my neck, though not enough to hurt me.

"Bella, there's something else I want to tell you." He says softly, and I feel his sweet breath on my face as he brings his lips softly against my cheek. "Apart from those two occurrences, I don't think about killing you all the time."

"You don't?" I manage to ask, completely hypnotized by him, by his smell, by his voice.

"No. A part of me always wants to taste your blood, that's true; but I want more." He continues, his lips sweeping from my cheek to my ear and back.

"More?"

"I want you, every part of you, every way I can have you." He says in a low voice, stroking up my thigh with his left hand and leaving it on my hip; and I'm panting. "I want to taste you, I want to see you surrender in my arms, I want to make you mine…forever."

I gasp and my heart skips a beat in its frenetic race. Forever with Edward, like him; I hadn't thought of that possibility. Apparently, he has. He must sense my sudden distress and releases his firm grip on me.

"Relax, Bella. I'm not asking you anything, I'm not expecting anything from you. It's just that my mind wanders sometimes."

"Mine does, too, sometimes." I tease.

"Does it, now? And where does it go?" He asks playfully, tracing my jaw with the tip of his nose.

"It has nothing to do with blood, but it involves you making me yours, too." I reply in a sultry voice. An electrifying rumble resonates in his chest and I can't keep my head from lolling back, exposing my neck to him. I realize a second too late that his lips are right next to my pulsating vein. He brusquely grabs a fistful of my hair, holding my head in place, and tightens his grip on my hip. It's too tight, it hurts a little, but some part of me just wants him to bring his lips to my neck and let him take me. I clutch his shirt in my hands, barely resisting the primal desire to pull him flush against me and surrender to him. I feel his breath on my skin and mine becomes more and more labored. The frantic rhythm of my heart sends my blood pulsing through my body and I can feel it, I can almost hear it calling to him, boiling, begging him to let it flow from my veins. I want to grab his hair and crush his lips to my throat, feel his teeth slowly sink into my skin, his tongue lapping at the life pouring out of me, until I'm his.

"Bella," he growls, "please ask me to stop." His tortured pleading snaps me out of my trance. He's battling for control, and he needs me to help him. I inhale deeply, forcing my heart to settle down.

"Edward, I trust you. Please, release me."

He slowly loosens his hold on me, and rests his forehead on mine once again.

"Your smell…I want you, so much. I'm sorry I can't control myself better than this."

"I'm sorry, too. It's not all your fault; apparently I can't behave myself either." I reply jokingly.

"I should step away for a while; before you manage to dissolve the last shred of self-control I have left." He suggests in the same playful tone, his hands sliding back to my knees.

"Ok." I agree reluctantly.

He walks around the bar and leans back against the counter as he was earlier, leaving a safe distance between us.

"You should eat something." He says, motioning to the plate of pastries in front of me.

"I don't think I could eat anything right now. But don't worry, if I get hungry I promise I won't try to eat you." I tease, smirking a little at him. I'm amazed at how comfortable I am about this whole situation.

"How can you joke about this? I'm seriously starting to question your sanity. Most people would have run away screaming in terror, and you're not even scared. How come?" The humor in his voice is replaced by curiosity, and he's watching me with admiration again, visibly stunned by my unexpected acceptance.

"I told you. I'm supposed to be with you." I answer sincerely; and nothing has ever sounded more true to me.

"Bella, you have no idea how long I've waited for you. I don't remember how I was even able to live without you for more than a century. I could never live without you, now."

"What? A…a century?" I ask, completely astounded by this new piece of information.

"Yes, um…I know it's a long time…but I was twenty-five when I was turned, so technically, I'm still twenty-five." He explains persuasively, trying to convince me that his age is irrelevant; but I'm still stunned.

"When?"

"1918. I was born in 1893." He answers apprehensively.

"Holy shit…" I mumble, unable to contain my astonishment. He laughs quietly and smiles warmly at me. As his words sink in, I realize that one detail doesn't fit. "But your family? I don't understand."

"Bella, they're all vampires." He says slowly, visibly amused that I didn't figure this out by myself.

"What? All of them?"

"Yes. Carlisle is the one who turned me. I was very sick, dying, and he offered me a new life. Then he turned Esme, his wife, followed by Rosalie and Emmett. Alice and Jasper came to live with us some time after." As he recounts the history of his family, I sense all the affection and the deference he feels for them. As much as he tries to hide it, he clearly misses them.

"But your father's a surgeon; how is that even possible?"

"Impressive, I know." For the first time since we met, he talks about his father with admiration and respect; it makes me smile for a second, but I'm still confused.

"Wait a minute, you said nine years. I've been assuming that they were human, and what Alice and Carlisle said to me was related to you changing into a vampire. But if they're like you, what makes you different? Why did you leave them?" I'm completely lost; obviously I misinterpreted some part of the story.

"I left them nine years ago. My relationship with Carlisle had deteriorated considerably, I was misunderstood by everyone, and I needed to be on my own, I guess."

"Why does Carlisle have such a negative opinion of you?" I inquire as I still don't understand the series of events that could have lead them to such a chaotic relationship.

"Bella, I should tell you that I don't live the same way they do." He mutters hesitantly.

"What do you mean?"

"They fit in more easily with society because they behave more like humans. They have jobs or go to school, whereas I just live on the money that Carlisle let me take when I left, which is more than enough to last several lifetimes. But the main difference is that they don't feed like me; they don't really feed like vampires, actually." He pauses, assessing my reactions.

"Explain." I demand impassively, an unsettling feeling knotting my stomach.

"We used to joke about this. They call themselves 'vegetarians', because they don't drink human blood. They survive off of animal blood exclusively." He keeps his eyes on me, worry creasing his forehead.

"That's possible?" I can't believe what I'm hearing; and more importantly, I don't like it.

"Yes. I've lived like that for eighty-three years before I left them. Carlisle didn't understand my…change of diet; this is why things are so tense between us." He's watching me carefully, well aware that his revelation is upsetting me.

"You used to live like this, and you decided to change your lifestyle?" I'm bracing myself on the bar in front of me as I witness my safe bubble explode around me; and I'm unable to prevent it.

"I am what I am, Bella." He states, resigned, and my entire body shudders.

"No, it's not like there's no other alternative. I thought you didn't have a choice, but you do, and you decided to kill people. You _chose_ to kill people."

"Bella…" He moves toward me as I get off the bar stool on shaky legs.

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Bella, please listen to me." He takes one step forward but stops abruptly when I turn to face him.

"What? Tell me, how do think you can justify yourself?" I yell, my voice starting to crack as I can barely hold back the tears.

"I don't kill _people_, I only kill criminals who don't deserve to live." He retorts, slightly rising his voice in his attempt to defend his behavior.

"Who do you think you are to decide of this? Even if they're criminals, they're still human beings." He doesn't realize the gravity of his actions, he thinks it's justifiable. Unwelcome memories of two years ago flash in my head and I cringe. I can't go through this again, I'm not strong enough.

"Are you telling me that you wished I had left this man alive, last night?" He's yelling, now, but he doesn't move.

"Yes!"

"Are you sure? And what do you think would have happened to the poor girl they would have cornered tonight, and the night after that?"

"We could have gone to the police."

"And tell them what? That he _almost_ attacked you. They'd never do anything unless there was physical evidence on you. Do you want me to tell you what kind of evidence they would have found on your body? Do you want me to tell you what I saw in his mind? Do you have any idea of how hard it was for me to see you like this, even though I knew it wasn't real…yet." His fists are clenched at his side, his jaw twitching, the red of his eyes burning with rage.

"Don't use me as your excuse, Edward, you've been doing this for nine years! And you could have avoided it, you could have saved those lives and you just killed them; that makes you nothing more than a murderer." I say the last word in a whisper, my throat too tight to pronounce the painful truth any louder. Tears roll freely down my cheeks and I try to run away before I collapse in front of him.

"Bella, please don't go." He begs as he grabs my hand, his voice suddenly betraying his emotions: the hurt, the desperation, the hopelessness. I can see it all in his agonizing gaze as I look up at him. I need to leave before I lose the little strength I have left, before I bury myself in his arms, begging for him to make me feel safe again. I can't sacrifice my conscience for him; I won't.

"Don't touch me, please." I plead between sobs, snapping my hand away from his. I take a deep breath, trying not to cry long enough to tell him what I need to say before I go. " I can accept a lot of things, Edward, I can deal with the fact that you're a creature that I didn't even know actually existed before last night; I can handle you wanting my blood every time we get too close. I could even understand that you killed criminals if it was the only way for you to survive, and it would even be honorable of you to spare the lives of innocents. But I can't accept the fact that you heartlessly kill people, criminals or not, just because you think it fits better with what you're supposed to be. Especially when you've lived differently for eighty-three fucking years." I yell at him, my voice hoarse, my throat constricted. I turn my back to him, not waiting for an answer. I've heard enough.

"Bella…" I hear him whisper behind me, defeated, powerless, suffering. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from turning around.

I grab my coat and walk out of his apartment, slamming the door shut on my way out. I run down the hallway to the elevator, the tears blurring my vision, and I pray for Edward not to follow me. I managed to hold myself in front of him in there, but I know I'm about to crash and I don't want him to witness it. As I get in the elevator I hear the loud sound of wood shattering, followed by a deafening, agonizing growl. My heart breaks and the doors close in front of me.

* * *

**_A/N: Ooooh, you didn't think it would all work out easily, did you? *grins devilishly*_**

**_Please don't hate me, I promise I'll make it up to you._**

**_Thanks to all of you for being awesome, as usual; and to theotherbella, the greatest beta ever!_**

**_Keep sending me your love, I live for it ;)_**


	11. It's all over but the crying

**Chapter 10 – It's all over but the crying**

**BPOV**

I'm in the elevator, alone. Edward didn't run after me. He let me go.

I'm struggling not to fall on the floor; the weakness in my knees forces me to lean against the elevator wall for support. The doors open in front of me and I rush through the lobby. I'm shaking, the struggle in my head reverberating in my entire body, large tears streaming down my face. I run instinctively, not even sure where I'm supposed to go, until I find my way out of his building.

I pause on the sidewalk; I'm slightly comforted to see my truck parked right in front of the entrance. I rummage through my pockets to find my keys, unlock the car laboriously as my hands are trembling, and get in the driver's seat. I halt briefly to look around me; luckily, I recognize the street; I know where I am and I know how to get back home. I start the car and speed out of my parking spot into the traffic, the tires screeching on the pavement. I need to escape as fast as possible; I need to be in my house, sheltered, before I let the pain of leaving him wash over me and crush me completely. I can't just now; not yet, not here.

I drive back to Port Angeles quickly, not caring about speed limits. The ferry ride seems to never end, and I'm fighting to repress the painful sobs building in my chest, until I can press my foot flat on the gas pedal again. I just need to be home. I force myself not to think about Edward, but I'm unable to contain the tears spilling from my eyes. It felt so right to be in his arms; but our awry relationship came to an end. I never imagined it would all crumble so rapidly.

I park my car in my driveway and hurry inside my house. I close the door behind me and instantly run up the stairs. Without stopping I enter the bathroom, turn on the water in the shower and take off all my clothes. As soon as the water is hot enough, I step under the spray, hoping the water will wash away all the confusion, the pain and the betrayal I feel because of Edward. I lean against the cool tiles and slide down until I'm sitting, holding my legs close to my chest. I rest my forehead on my knees, take a deep breath and let go of all the emotions I've been holding back since I left his apartment. I cry until my throat is sore, until my eyes burn, until I can't breathe.

The water eventually runs cold and I shiver. I finally step out of the shower and get dressed, only half-conscious. I don't have to leave the house until tomorrow, so I slip into an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I lie on my bed in a haze, and revisit my conversation with Edward, methodically analyzing every single word he said to me; the confession of his feelings for me, the revelations about his past, the truth about his true nature and his way of life. The most disturbing part to me is his admission that he wants me to be like him; he actually considered that outcome. Being with him forever would mean feeding the way he does, becoming a killer. I will never accept it. And I can't stay with him, even as a human, if it means condoning such a perverse behavior.

I spend hours staring at my ceiling, mulling over what happened, cogitating, deliberating, as if I had a decision to make; but I don't. I already made it. I decided to leave Edward's apartment, to leave him. I couldn't agree with his twisted point of view, so I ended whatever was between us. It's over.

I'm forcing myself to bear in mind that leaving was the sanest choice, but my chest is compressed under the weight of my loneliness. I lost him and it feels like I lost a part of myself; my heart seems to have been ripped out of my ribcage. Each intake of breath is painfully difficult; I can't breathe without him, I doubt I'll be able to live without him. I died a little when I walked out his door.

Hours pass, the sun sets outside my window, gracing the sky with pale pink and light purple colors, and then dark blue. I haven't moved all day, I haven't eaten since this morning, since the tiny bites I had of the breakfast he caringly got for me. I keep replaying the same images in my head, again and again, hoping I misunderstood some part of it, but I know I didn't. He was more than clear, and as much as I wished he was different, he isn't who I thought he was, who I'd like him to be.

The darkness has settled in my room when I vaguely register the sound of a soft knock on my front door. My stomach clenches, it could be Edward, maybe he came to talk, to explain; but there's nothing more to explain. My limbs are heavy, I feel like I can't get up, so I don't move. I drift back in my confused thoughts, and eventually I fall asleep.

I wake up the next morning with the sun shining through my window and realize I'm already late for work; I forgot to set my alarm last night. I hastily get dressed, run down the stairs and in the kitchen to grab an apple I'll eat on my way there. I put on my shoes, slip in my coat and open my front door.

I freeze in the doorway when I see an envelope tucked under a small rock on my door step. I bend down and move the stone to pick it up. My name is written on it and the handwriting confirms me what I already suspected: it's from Edward. My heart is pounding; he was here last night, it _was_ him at the door.

I hesitate for a second, not sure whether I should open it now as I'm already late; and also not sure whether I really want to know its content. I decide to get back inside the house and leave it on my kitchen table, sealed.

I arrive at the bookstore in record time, and as soon as I push the front door, Ms Charlotte comes from behind the bookshelves, seething at me.

"Miss Swan, do you think the appropriate time to come to work is two hours late?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't feeling well last night, and I forgot to set my alarm for this morning." I offer meekly.

"Again, excuses. You wouldn't have to apologize so much if you did you work correctly."

"I'm sorry, but you know I was sick yesterday." I hang on to the lie Edward told her, hoping it'll be sufficient for her to calm down.

"No, I know some gentleman called to say you wouldn't come to work, that's different. In the future I'd appreciate it if you called yourself, instead of asking your boyfriend to lie for you." Hearing _that_ word said out loud feels like a stab in the chest, and I tense in a futile attempt to block the pain.

"He's not…" I start, but I can't pronounce the words, they hurt too much. "I didn't ask him to lie for me. I wasn't feeling well, I told you." My voice has slightly risen, as I'm struggling to keep a docile facade.

"Oh, let me tell you something, too. I don't care who this person is to you. Quite frankly, I'd rather not know. You can stop your little offended act; we both know what kind of girl you are, and where your lewd manners brought you. You're not irreplaceable, Miss Swan, and I'll have no qualm about firing you if you no longer consider it necessary to be in attendance."

I stare at her in disbelief as she turns around and disappears behind the books. I don't know what to say; I'm speechless. Her assumptions about me don't wound me the way they used to; I know I'm not that person.

I just stand there, mouth open. I couldn't find the words to defend myself. Yet, I did when I was facing Edward. He brought out such a different side of my personality, a side I've experienced only with him. I felt stronger, enough to yell at him; enough to leave him.

Suddenly it dawns on me that the story is repeating itself, and that realization stings. I left Jacob for his violent behavior, for his lack of remorse; and I find myself in the exact same situation again. My eyes are welling up and a knot is forming in my throat. I swallow hard and brace myself for the long day of work ahead of me; before I can be in my house and cry again until I fall asleep.

I skip lunch, incapable of eating anything, and bury myself in work. When it's finally time to go, I drive back home robotically, not really paying attention to the road. I park my car, get inside the house and get upstairs, purposefully avoiding the kitchen. I don't need more memories of where Edward has been, where we were so close. I'm also avoiding the letter he left for me that still waits on my table. I can't open it now; I feel my heart fissuring, ready to shatter into a million pieces. I'm not strong enough to deal with his excuses or his apologies, if it's in fact the content of the letter.

I force myself to revert to the life I lived three weeks ago, before I met Edward; before he became such a predominant part of my existence. Before he became the sole object of my musings.

I abide by the same habits I used to: boring, depressing; and I feel dead.

One day goes by uneventfully; and another, and another…until it's Saturday morning and I'm lying in my bed, dreading the day to come, knowing that without work, I won't have anything to keep my mind from mulling over Edward's imposed absence.

I'll think of him, undoubtedly. I'll think of the pain I inflicted on myself by allowing him to get close. He warned me, and I should have listened.

I curl under the covers, determined not to get out of bed today. I'll mope and suffer, alone. I'll pretend to ignore his handkerchief in my bedside table, like I have for the past four days. I'll pretend I don't want to retrieve it in the drawer and bury my nose in it, inhaling deeply the sweet smell of Edward and letting it intoxicate me as if I were in his arms. I'll pretend I don't want to be in his arms.

I distantly hear the sound of a car pulling in front of the house, and the door slamming shut rather loudly. I groan, I don't want to be hauled back into reality by random surrounding noises. I tune them out and resume my silent suffering when I hear a soft knock on my door again, and my heart leaps in my throat. The last time I heard a similar knock on my door, it was Edward leaving a letter for me. A letter I've stubbornly avoided reading. It's probably him again, but I can't see him, I can't be near him, or my resolve will simply vanish. If I stay in bed my resolutions are safe, and he'll go, possibly leaving another envelope filled with feeble justifications to his actions, in an attempt to cloud my judgment with his sweet words. I won't get up and answer the door, I won't let him make me change my mind; I won't read his letter. I pull my comforter over my head, blocking the light, and fall back asleep for another few hours.

As I finally get up, I gather the clothes I wore yesterday night where I threw them unceremoniously on the floor before going to bed, and get dressed. I lazily walk down the stairs and stop in the hallway. I hesitate, staring at my front door, certain that an envelope is waiting for me on the other side. Maybe Edward is waiting for me, too. Maybe he didn't leave. I shake the idea out of my head and open the door.

He isn't there, but he left a small package for me, with my name written on it with his sophisticated handwriting. I step outside and scrutinize the street in case he was watching, but he isn't. I retrieve the package and walk back to my kitchen. I take a deep breath as I place it on the table. I'm tired of pretending that I don't care about what he wrote, that I don't want to be with him, even though I'm contented with the decision I made. I grab the letter he left the other night and open it. My eyes tear up and a lump constricts my throat as I read the first words; because they're true, I'm his.

_My Bella, _

_I died; not ninety-two years ago when I was turned, but this morning when you left my apartment. _

_I spent over a century waiting for you, searching for you, and I was foolish enough to let you go. I lost you, and I have only myself to blame. _

_Please, I'm begging you to let me explain to you, I need you to hear me. _

_If afterwards you still want me to leave and never come back, I will. And I'll endure lifetimes of relentless agony, knowing I could have shared a blissful eternity with you by my side. _

_Edward. _

His words are echoing in my head, I can almost hear his voice whisper them to me, and they're piercing my heart. I sense the pain behind the words, I sense the longing; and I feel it too.

I drop the letter on the table and hastily seize the package, suddenly in a hurry to know what he left for me. I open the box; inside there's a large leather-bound book, like the ones I noticed on his shelf; and lying on it, another letter.

I take a deep, steadying breath, reach for it and unfold it.

_My Bella, _

_I can't live without you, and I naively thought it was mutual. Each passing second of your distance and your silence is devastating. _

_Whether I'm at peace with my choices in life is irrelevant now, since you're not. _

_I realize I'm unworthy of you; I'll never be a person that you might accept, should you even consider hearing me and try to understand. _

_I'm leaving with you my most prized possession; proof that to me, a human life is worth as much as it is to you. _

_I want you to look at it. _

_This is what I wanted to show you before you ran out of my apartment, this is why I tried to hold you back, but I was so shaken by your words, I couldn't speak. _

_I'm not a murderer, Bella. _

_Edward. _

I put the letter down on the table, not knowing how to react, what to feel. I'm completely numb, and a million questions come rushing in my head.

His letter almost sounds like a goodbye; his last attempt to make me see through his eyes.

My throat tightens and I can barely swallow. My eyes are welling up and my knees are weak. I sit down at the table and take out of the package the black leather-bound book, and two others, exactly similar, that I hadn't noticed were in there. They're the three books that were on his shelf, the ones isolated from the rest of his journals. I place them in front of me and I realize they're sketchbooks. I stare at them for a moment, not sure I want to see what's inside, before finding the courage to continue.

I slide the first one closer to me on the table and unwrap the leather strap holding it closed. I open it and gasp in horror.

Staring back at me are the most terrified eyes I've ever seen. It's a drawing of a woman in her late twenties, maybe. She would be beautiful, if it weren't for that expression on her face. Her features are contorted in unadulterated fright, her eyes obscured by the recognition of her impending death. I look down at the bottom right corner of the page and notice the date.

**_December 27, 2000_**

I'm unable to look away from the drawing. I can't tear my eyes off her, and unconsciously place my hand reverently on the page.

There's a little post-it note on the opposite page, handwritten by Edward.

_She was at the wrong place at the wrong time, _

_just like so many of them._

_She needed my help. _

I can't move, I'm struggling to breathe. I slowly remove my hand and start turning the pages. I can't hold back the tears any longer as I see a succession of faces immortalized on paper in their terror, of eyes frozen in their defeat. So many women, and I can only see their eyes; in their fear, they all look similar. There're only women at first, each date on the bottom corner approximately one month apart. And then sometimes there's a man, or a couple. The same faces, the same fear, again and again. I reach the end of the book and close it.

I hesitate to take the next sketchbook; I don't how many more of those horrifying pictures I can look at without collapsing. He wanted me to see this, though; evidently this is very important to him, and I can't find it in me to deny him my attention. I swallow thickly and take a deep breath as I open the second book. I start turning the pages again, and I watch the faces quietly; the young helpless women, the scared men, the husbands trying vainly to protect their wives. After several endless minutes I have moved on to the last book, the room filled with a heavy silence, except for the soft sound of paper. I pause a little longer at a drawing as I notice the date.

**_March 19, 2010._**

The night before I saw him with Alice. My chest hurts, my heart is racing. I know whose face I'll see on the next page; I know who the next person he saved is: me. I brace myself, gathering my strength to turn the last page.

I gasp in shock as I see myself on the sheet. I'm smiling, looking shyly from under my lashes, my eyes sparkling, my long curls floating around my face. I look happy, serene, and beautiful.

I stare at this stunning image of myself, and notice only a few moments later the note written on the opposite page.

_This is how I see you, Bella. This is how I want to remember you. _

_You were right. I chose to kill people, and I also chose not to remember them. _

_Instead, I prefer keeping the memory of those who deserve it, those who needed my help and that I saved. _

_I have no idea how many criminals I've killed, but I've saved one hundred and twenty-nine innocents. _

_I can understand that you wished I hadn't kill anyone; but they're alive because of me, so don't ever call me a murderer again, please. _

_Edward _

I stare at the page for the longest time, dumbfounded. Again, a part of it feels like he's saying goodbye to me. I visibly hurt his feelings; but I can't really determine his frame of mind from what he has written. I can't tell whether he's just hurt, or actually angry at me for assuming that he didn't care about a human life, and leaving him without letting him explain.

I finally close the sketchbook and lean on the back of my chair. I need to clear my head, I can't think; I'm lost. I feel like I misjudged him. He cares about human beings, enough to save them and keep a reminder of every single one of them with him. He isn't heartless like I said he was, even though his heart doesn't beat anymore.

The question is whether it changes my decision to leave. I'm not as appalled by his behavior as I was an hour ago, but I'm still not comfortable with it; it still isn't acceptable. I don't imagine being in a relationship with him if he feeds the way he does, drinking human blood, killing people. I can't watch him leave every time he needs to hunt, wait for him knowing what he's doing, knowing that someone is dying, and greet him when he comes back to me after he's fed. I'd be miserable, I'd have to pretend; I can't.

Saving a life doesn't give him the right to take another; it doesn't make it alright.

That thought crossing my mind is dreadfully reminiscent of what happened two years ago with Jacob. Apart from the vampire aspect of the situation, the issue is oddly similar. I never forgave Jacob for his actions, why should it be different for Edward?

Even though Jake didn't kill anyone; he would have if I hadn't stopped him. He never apologized for it; he even believed I should have been grateful and thanked him. He was convinced his action was honorable, that it was all deserved.

Even though I was angry at him, it broke my heart to end my relationship with Jacob when I realized we didn't share the same values. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who was so careless about a life.

It's infinitely more heartbreaking to abandon Edward. Leaving him feels nothing like a break-up, it feels like death. Yet, as long as he'll keep feeding with human blood, I can't, I won't be with him. If only I could demand from him to change, but I can't force him to return to his family for me, especially knowing how disastrous his relationship with them is.

Even if he did, I wouldn't know what to expect; whether he would suppose I would allow him to turn me. He contemplated the possibility, but I'm not prepared to. Could I refuse to reciprocate if he sacrificed his entire way of life for me? I'm not ready to promise him my life, so I won't ask for his; it isn't fair.

Besides, he might not be inclined to consider any modification in his diet. He wrote in his letter that he was at peace with his choices in life, he would probably never adjust them for me, with no assurance from me that it would be worth it.

I stay in my kitchen, sitting on a chair for hours, staring blankly in front of me, until I come to a conclusion.

I can't ask Edward to change for me when I know he doesn't want to, and I can't be with him if he doesn't. The comprehension of our situation sweeps over me and I crash.

_It's over._

I bite my bottom lip, tying hard to hold back the tears long enough to go upstairs and hide in my bed. I run to my room and get under the covers fully dressed. I shakily reach out to my bedside table drawer and pull out his handkerchief, tired of ignoring it. I cling to it, my last connection to him, and bring it close to my nose, drowning in his smell one last time. I cry, loud painful sobs, my eyes screwed shut, my entire body contracted. I cry louder than ever in my life, stifling my screams in my pillow. The ache of renouncing him reverberates in me; every blood cell in my veins sets on fire, unbearably scorching me from the inside out, until I'm a pile of ashes, lifeless.

I remain in my bed, numb, and vaguely notice the sun setting.

I must have fallen asleep, because I open my eyes to a weak light coming through the window. I look at my clock, it's past 3pm.

I feel hollow, not sure whether it's because of all the crying, or because I lost Edward. I get up and take a shower, not willing to let myself sink any further down in my misery. I'm stronger than this; at least I can try to be. When I'm ready I head downstairs to my kitchen; I'm weak and wobbly, I need to eat something. The last thing I want to do is cook, so cereals will do.

I suddenly remember that it's Sunday, and I'm supposed to visit Charlie today. I cringe at the thought of driving there and having to pretend that everything's fine. I impulsively pick up the phone and dial his number. He answers on the first ring, before I can even think of an excuse not to come over.

"_Hello?_"

"Hey Dad, it's me." I say feebly. My voice is rough, gravelly from crying.

"_Are you ok, Bells? Your voice sounds weird. Are you sick?_" He asks, clearly concerned. He offers me the perfect pretext to get out of my weekly visit.

"Yeah, I'm sick. Just a cold, don't worry. But I think I'd better not come today, you know, get some rest."

"_No problem. I don't want you driving if you're not feeling well. Take care of yourself and don't worry about me."_

"Dad?" I ask before hanging up. I was sure he'd be with Billy fishing right now; I thought I'd have to leave a message. "You didn't go fishing, today?"

"_Um… no, I had lunch with Jake._" He answers hesitantly, knowing that there's a chance I won't be pleased with this. Honestly, today I couldn't care less, but I'm still curious.

"Do you do that often?"

"_No, but there was a couple of stuff we needed to talk about. Nothing important, though. Does it bother you?_" He mutters, visibly dreading my reaction.

"No, not at all." I assure him genuinely. "I think I'm going to head back to bed, now. I'll see you next week."

"_Ok, bye Bells_."

I hang up the phone, relieved that this conversation didn't raise for Charlie too many questions I don't want to answer. I pause for a moment as my eyes rest on the package and the three sketchbooks sprawled on the table, exactly where I left them yesterday. I can't keep them here. One reason is that it hurts enough as it is without a reminder of Edward's misdeeds in my house. Another reason is that these drawings are meaningful to him, he should have them back.

I'll have to drive back to his place to return them to him, since I have no way of contacting him. I remember where he lives, but I don't know the exact address, I can't even send them back.

I don't want to dwell on this for several days, I'd rather go now, get it over with.

In my rush, I decide to give him back his handkerchief, too; hoping that this gesture will spare me more nights of crying surrounded by his smell. I need a clean break. This thought is barely formed in my mind that my eyes are tearing up again. How am I going to be able to walk away from him, _again_, and not go back, _ever_?

I put the handkerchief in my jacket pocket, gather the three sketchbooks in my arm and stare at the letters for a second. I can't bring myself to give them back to him; the wonderful words he wrote for me, our eternity, _his_ Bella; I need to preserve at least that memory. I leave them on the table and walk out of the house.

I drive to Seattle awfully slowly, dreading the moment I'm going to be in front of him, looking into his hypnotic crimson stare. I'll have to explain my presence; and tell him that I'm not staying, that he'll never see me again. I blink back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes; this is without a doubt the most insufferably difficult decision of my life, but it's inevitable.

Perhaps I could leave his belongings on his doorstep for him to find later. A neighbor could stumble on them, though, and steal them. I can't take the risk of depriving him of his most valuable and significant possession.

I arrive at his building far too quickly, I have no idea how I'll handle this. I park my truck in front of the entrance, in the same spot where I found it five days ago. I grab his sketchbooks, get out of the car unsteadily, and walk slowly to the door. I enter the lobby and a young man behind a desk greets me with a big smile.

"Good morning, Miss. I'm Randall, the concierge. How can I help you?"

"Um… I'm here to see M. Cullen." I mutter dimly, my voice still raspy.

"Eighth floor, apartment 83. It's the second door on your left, and the elevator is right there." He explains nicely, motioning to the end wall. "Should I inform him of your presence, Miss?"

"No. That won't be necessary, thank you." I imagine Edward upstairs, I'll see him in a few minutes, and I tear escapes from my eye.

"Is everything alright, Miss? I know it's not my business, but I saw you running away from here the other day." He probes uncomfortably.

"It's fine, I just need to give this back to him. I'll be fine." I insist, trying to convince myself more than him.

I slowly walk to the elevator and step inside, repressing all the painful memories of the last time I was here. The doors finally reopen and I go to his door. I'm so nervous I'm shaking; I hesitate and finally find the strength to knock. I wait a few moments, but he doesn't answer. Maybe he isn't here. If he is, he had to hear the knock; he should have answered by now. I try one more time, a little louder.

I jump as I hear a voice behind me.

"He isn't here, I'm afraid."

I turn around to see a man a few feet away from me, leaning against the opposite wall on the hallway. He's tall and lean, with short, frosted brown hair, and doesn't look much older than me. He's looking at me with a wicked smile on his lips, his eyes black, and I recognize what he is immediately. He's a vampire. I instinctively take a step back and his smile widens.

"Who are you? How do you know Edward?" I ask nervously, and I realize I really don't want to know the answer to that question.

"My name's Demetri; we're…kind of like family." He answers politely. "I've been looking for him for days; would you happen to know where I could find him, maybe?"

"No, I don't. I was hoping to see him here, obviously."

"Huh…" He's looking at me intently, as if he was trying to see through me. I wonder if he can read thoughts like Edward, and if my mind is silent to him, as well. He takes a step forward, forcing me to step back, and I'm against the wall.

"You wouldn't be Bella, by any chance?" He asks curiously, a strange glint in his eyes sending chills along my spine; he might be courteous, but I can tell he's lethal.

"How do you know my name?" I reply, trying not to sound too panicky.

"Edward talks about you in his journals. A lot. It's …interesting."

"You broke in his apartment?" I whisper.

"I told you I was looking." He whispers back, running his tongue on his teeth.

"Well, he's not with me. Can I go, please?"

"Of course. Please, do." He says softly, leaning closer to me and inhaling deeply as I push myself off the wall.

I hurry to the elevator and sigh in relief when the doors close, clutching the sketchbooks to my chest. As soon as the doors open, I rush through the lobby, smiling weakly at the concierge to avoid alarming him.

"He's not home; I'll come back some other time." I say, and he just nods and offers me a sweet smile.

I get inside my car and start driving. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I'm utterly confused, out of my element. I have no idea who this man was and why he was looking for Edward. I don't know whether this concerns me somehow; and whether I should be worried.

I _am_ worried; my heart is racing and I'm shaking. This vampire scared me. He was polite, he smiled, he didn't touch me, he didn't even make any sudden moves; yet he scared me more than Edward ever did in his darkest appearance.

This isn't my world; I shouldn't have to cope with that kind of trouble. Some part of me wants to go home and forget all of it. I'll pretend Alice never said anything to me and I never met Edward. I'll pretend I never felt this surreal magnetic attraction to him.

The other part is terrified for Edward. This man was not like Edward or his family; he broke in his apartment, they evidently don't appreciate each other much. If Edward's in danger, I want to help him. Behind his well-mannered façade, this vampire seemed more vicious, sadistic. I should warn Edward that he was looking for him.

There's a problem, though; I don't have his number, I don't know where he is, I don't know how to reach him. I could have called Alice, I know she would have helped me, she would do anything for her brother; but I don't have her number, either.

Then it hits me. There's one member of his family that I can easily find, and I need to try.

I drive fast, too fast, through the five blocks to my destination. I park my car in an adjacent street; I doubt I can park here, I'll probably get a ticket, but I don't care. Just in case, I hide Edward's sketchbooks under the seat before getting out and running to the massive building. I storm in through the main entrance and walk straight to the admissions desk, fidgeting impatiently as I wait my turn.

The receptionist finally motions for me to step forward.

"Good morning, how can I help you?" She asks flatly.

"I want to see Dr. Cullen, please. It's urgent." I reply hastily, praying he's working today.

"If it's urgent, maybe you should go straight to the ER, Miss." She retorts impatiently.

"No, it's for a personal matter. Can you tell me where to find Dr. Cullen, please?" I insist, growing impatient myself.

"Dr. Cullen…" She mumbles as she inspects a listing of physicians working at the hospital. "You won't find him in this building; vascular surgery is situated in the adjoined building on Ninth Avenue."

"Can you at least tell me if he's working today?" My voice raises slightly with irritation, I'm about to launch myself over the desk and snatch the sheet out of her hands.

"Let me try to page him." She offers halfheartedly.

"Thank you." I step aside for a moment, waiting for him to call back. I jump as the phone rings, and listens to the side of the conversation I can hear.

"Yes, Dr. Cullen, a young women is here for you. She says it's urgent… Your name?" She asks, looking at me.

"Bella Swan." I answer apprehensively; our last encounter was somewhat frantic, he could refuse to see me.

"Bella Swan, Dr….Yes, thank you." She hangs up the phone and looks back at me. "He'll be here shortly; you can wait in the chairs over there, he needs to cross the entire hospital." She instructs me, her tone a bit reproachful.

I nod lightly before stepping away from the desk, leaving room for the other patients.

I sit down in one of the big chairs as I was told, and wait only a few minutes before Dr. Cullen comes out of the elevator at the end of the hall. He walks swiftly in my direction, his face unreadable.

"Bella, it's good to see you. Are you here about your bump on the head?" He asks in his best professional voice.

"No. I know about your …_family_, Dr. Cullen; and there's something I need to talk to you about."

His face remains expressionless, but I can see shock flash in his eyes.

"Let's find a more private place to talk, shall we. Follow me, Bella." He utters, his voice not as composed as it was a second ago, betraying his anxiety. I nod and he turns around, leading me down the hall to the elevator he just came from.

* * *

_**A/N: Sorry you had to wait so long for this update, but real life has been hectic! I'm going back to work, so I won't have as much time to write, but I promise you I'll continue this story and I'll finish it.**_

_**Thanks to all of you for the lovely reviews, I really love hearing from you, so keep them coming!**_

_**Thanks to theotherbella, who's every busy these days and still takes the time to beta my story. She's great :)**_


	12. Tell me where it hurts

**Chapter 11 – Tell me where it hurts**

**BPOV**

I follow nervously behind Dr. Cullen as he walks assuredly toward the elevator. At this moment, I'm not sure coming here was such a good idea. Our previous encounter didn't go so well. I didn't listen to his warnings about Edward's nature. In fact, I blatantly ignored them and decided to walk away with Edward, and some part of me believes that I should apologize. I don't know whether I should be sorry about it, and whether he'll be admonitory.

We approach the elevator and I expect him to stop at the doors, but he keeps walking. He continues another few feet and slows down in front of a door at the end of the hall. He opens it swiftly and enters, holding it for me. I walk in and pause for a second, taken aback as I realize he brought me in the staircase.

"It would take too long to go back to my office," he explains kindly as he closes the door, undoubtedly noticing my surprise.

"I didn't wait for you that long, Dr. Cullen; it only took you a few minutes to arrive," I reply, and my confusion makes it sound like a question.

"I'm fast," he answers simply, looking down at me hesitantly, then continues with a small smile. "And please; call me Carlisle."

He leans back on the closed door and I sit down in the stairs, too shaky to stand up any longer. I'm anxious; uncomfortable. He remains quiet, watching me. I don't know what he thinks of my presence here, I don't know what to explain to him and how. I'm lost in my thoughts, desperately trying to find the most appropriate manner to disclose the past week's events to him. I'm staring at my hands entwined on my knees when he starts speaking.

"Bella, are you alright?" I lift my head to look at him, surprised by the evident concern in his voice.

"Yes…no…yes. I don't know." I stammer incoherently.

"Bella, I can't read your mind, you're going to have to be more specific than that."

"Edward can't either, you know; and this is too much, I don't know how to deal with this. First him, and what he is, and your family, and your various diet options, and now this guy…" I explain in a rush, my voice cracking under the pressure of the cries bubbling in my chest.

"What guy?" He inquires, his brows furrowing.

"Someone like you, well not exactly." I'm trying to remain collected but my body is failing me and I'm shuddering. "He was waiting outside Edward's apartment, he told me he was looking for him; that he had been for days but couldn't find him. He actually broke in and went through his stuff. He knew my name and he scared the shit out of me." I'm shaking uncontrollably, and he crouches in front of me, bringing his eyes level with mine.

"Bella, calm down, you're safe here with me. Nothing will happen to you." He assures in a comforting voice. "Do you have any idea what he wanted, who he was?"

"I don't know… he said his name was Demetri." I concentrate, forcing myself to regain some composure.

"Demetri?" He repeats, his eyes widening slightly. "Did you notice anything particular on him, like a piece of jewelry, a pendant more precisely?" His tone is cautious, but I can sense the worry.

"Yes, he was wearing a necklace; some kind of ancient looking V letter with red stones on it. What is it?" At this moment I'm not sure whether I should be reassured that Carlisle seems to know this vampire, or even more alarmed. He doesn't seem relieved to discover his identity, but more upset.

"Did he say or do anything else that you can remember? It might be important." He asks, completely ignoring my question. I replay my encounter with him in my head, and I remember a detail that could be significant.

"He was looking at me with this odd expression on his face, like he was trying to figure out something. It made me wonder if he was trying to read my thoughts, too."

"And you said Edward can't?" He asks, a hint of amazement seeping through his voice.

"No, he said I'm the only one he can't hear. Could it be the same for this guy?"

"I'm not sure. He's not a mind-reader like Edward."

"So you know him?" I whisper, unable to keep the panic from my voice.

"I've heard of him. I have a pretty good idea of what happened there, but I want to look into it a little bit more before I tell you anything about it." He concludes, smiling reassuringly.

"Ok." I agree halfheartedly, because I don't have another choice.

"Bella, there's something I don't understand, though." He's looking at me curiously, keeping his gaze on me as he stands up again.

"What is it?"

"Why did you come to me? Where's Edward?" Of course he would ask me that, and I have to tell him what happened between me and Edward. I'll try to relate the events as serenely as I can manage; only I doubt I can do it without weeping. I lower my eyes to the floor and take a deep breath.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him in five days. I have no way of contacting him; I didn't know who else to go to." I murmur, biting my lip hard to keep from sobbing.

"What happened? Did he hurt you?" He's trying to mask the anger in his voice but I can clearly sense that he's mad at Edward, assuming he _did_ hurt me.

"No, he didn't. I just left him." I murmur, unable to speak louder as my throat tightens, and I'm not sure he can decipher my words. A few tears spill from my eyes, and I wipe them immediately with the back of my hands. I don't want to cry in front of him, I can't; I'm afraid if I let the tears flow now they'll never stop. He sits down next to me on the stairs and kindly puts his arm around my shoulders; it doesn't feel odd, and I don't recoil.

"Bella, being with someone like us isn't something you're expected to easily accept and be fine with." He says gently.

"This isn't the reason I left."

"It isn't?" He exclaims, looking at me, and I just shake my head. "Then why did you leave?"

"Because he _isn't_ like you." I mutter, and he understands instantly, letting out a long sigh.

"Various diet options?" He asks, but it doesn't quite come out as a question, and I just nod. "I see."

He stays silent for a while, his thumb soothingly rubbing my shoulder, giving me time to regain complete control of my emotions before he resumes his questioning.

"Do you think Demetri followed you and saw you come in here?"

"He sniffed me. Isn't it enough to find me, for you...people?" I joke, trying to lighten the air, and he grins.

"Yes, unfortunately it is." He laughs softly and shifts on the stairs to lean back against the wall, moving away from me a little, before becoming serious again. "Especially for him."

He pauses for a few seconds, eyeing me cautiously, and continues.

"Bella, I'm sure Alice must have Edward's number, I'll probably call him to warn him about Demetri; but you were at his apartment, you were looking for him, too. She would certainly give it to you, too, if you want."

"Alice _does_ have his number, I've heard them talk on the phone."

"Really?" He interrupts, pleasantly surprised by this information.

"Yes. But no, I don't want to talk to him. I just had some things I wanted to give back to him; apparently he left without them, so it's probably not as important as I thought it was." I explain, and as the words resonate between us I realize I'm not talking entirely about the sketchbooks.

We both remain silent for a few moments, looking down at the floor. I don't know what else to say to him, but I feel comforted with him. His presence is soothing, not remotely similar to the blissful feeling Edward elicited in me, but I know I can trust him. I don't want to overstay my welcome, however; so I start getting up to leave.

"I think I should go, now. I just came here to warn you about Demetri, I'm going to head back home, now." I utter uncomfortably.

"You're driving back to Port Angeles?" He asks tentatively as he gets up from the stairs to stand next to me.

"Yes."

"Is there someone waiting for you there? Or are you going to be alone?" He inquires. If I didn't know he worried for me, I would think his questions were indiscreet.

"I'll be alone."

"Bella, it got dark outside, and honestly I'm not comfortable with you driving back to Port Angeles on your own." He pauses, visibly deliberating on something. "I get off work in an hour. Would you mind waiting for me?" He offers worriedly.

"Wait for you?"I'm perplexed, not sure what he's actually proposing.

"Yes, you could come home with me; Esme will be so happy to finally meet you. And we can take the time to talk about all of this; there are so many more issues we need to discuss."He continues eagerly, and one word in particular echoes in my head.

"What do you mean, finally? She knows about me?"

"The entire family knows about you, Bella. Alice told us everything about you after our encounter in the ER in Port Angeles." He explains, and I wonder what Alice told them to make Esme eager to meet me. She must have revealed to them the vision she had about me, the one she wouldn't describe to me, and that Edward didn't want to know about.

I contemplate my options; driving home alone and risking a new visit from Demetri; or following Carlisle, and meeting Edward's _mother_.

"Ok." I finally answer. "I'm actually a little scared to be on my own, too." And it's the truth, even though it isn't the most prominent reason.

"Good. I'll lead you to my office and you can wait there until I finish my shift." He states with a tone of finality, and opens the door for me to walk out.

"Ok. Thanks."

We exit the staircase and walk to the elevator he originally came from. We remain silent for the endless walk across this maze of a hospital, going through long hallways and two different elevators. I try to sustain the pace behind him. I've been in this hospital before when I was residing in Seattle, but I never went past the ER; I would never be able to find my way out of here alone.

We finally stop in front of a door, and once again he opens it for me. I read the sign on the door.

_Dr. Carlisle Cullen, M.D., F.A.C.S. _

I didn't pay attention to which sector of the hospital we were in, but as I enter his office I remember what the receptionist said to me. The irony of it is making me smile, and I need to ask.

"You're a vascular surgeon?"

"Yes. I'm chief of the Vascular Surgery Division, actually." He states proudly.

"No, I meant, you're a _vascular_ surgeon?" I repeat, insisting on the key word and cocking an eyebrow at him teasingly. He laughs quietly as he understands the meaning of my question.

"I'm happy to see the irony isn't lost on you. In fact, I change specialty every time we start a new life somewhere. For the next one, I'm thinking blood diseases." He adds in a serious tone, but I see a playful glint in his eyes. I chuckle and his face splits into a dazzling grin.

His smile is infectious, and it reminds me of Edward. They're not actually related, but they look so much alike, it's astounding. The only thing they don't have in common is the one thing I wished they had: their way of life.

"Are you going to be ok in here on your own? I should be back in 45 minutes at most." He asks, already reaching for the door handle.

"Yes, I'll be fine. Thank you." I answer, smiling sincerely at him, and he leaves the room.

I look around me and I'm surprised by what I see. I expected a room decorated with more character, with an underlying antique note; something that would betray who he is, for someone who would know where to look. Yet everything is archetypal of a doctor; the desk, the chair, the organized patient files; nothing stands out. He really knows how to blend in, and I remember how it surprised me to learn what he truly was; I would have never suspected anything.

As my eyes inspect the room meticulously, I notice four photo frames on his desk, but I only see the back. I walk around his desk to look at them, and my stomach clenches when I finally see the faces in the frames.

There's a picture representing Carlisle with a beautiful caramel-haired woman, who I assume is Esme. He's holding her in his arms, kissing her cheek tenderly as she's smiling, her golden-brown eyes sparkling; and I envy them. The next one shows Alice and Jasper in a somewhat similar position, and a very similar happiness. Then there's Rosalie and Emmett; I only saw them a couple of times back in college, but it's impossible to forget a perfect face like hers.

The last picture makes my heart leap in my throat. It's Edward. He's gorgeous in this picture, as always, but there's something different about him, a facet I never noticed in him before. The expression on his face is disconcerting; he's smiling, but it's visibly artificial, his eyes are blank. He isn't happy like the others so obviously are; he seems sad. I swallow back the lump in my throat as I realize I've never witness this melancholy in him when he was with me.

I sit down on Carlisle's chair, trying to hold back the tears. My heart aches as it dawns on me that he smiled with me. _I_ made him smile, and I'll never see it again. I concentrate on my breathing, slowly calming down, and I realize something else.

Carlisle has a picture of Edward on his desk. I always…_Edward_ always assumed that his father hated him, that he never forgave him his choices, that he meant nothing to him anymore because of those choices.

I don't recognize this man Edward depicted to me. He isn't this cold, distant man, presumptuous and inflexible. He's nice, caring. He doesn't know me and he's offering to protect me, inviting me in his home. How could Edward be so wrong about him?

Part of what Carlisle said to me the first time we met turned out to be right. Edward isn't who I thought he was, and I got hurt.

I'm lost in my reflection for the longest time, a million questions swirling in my head. Possibilities of what could've been if I had listened to Carlisle, of what could happen next, are trying to make their way to my consciousness; but I don't want to envision the future. I know Edward won't be a part of it, and it hurts too much to even consider the idea.

I'm snapped back to reality by Carlisle opening the door. He freezes and looks at me sadly when he notices that my eyes were fixed on the pictures.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, I just…" I mumble repentantly.

"That's ok, you don't have to apologize." He relaxes instantly and offers me a shy smile.

"You have a picture of Edward. I wouldn't have thought, considering your tense relationship." I inquire timidly; hoping I don't appear too nosy.

"Edward's my family, no matter how much I hate the kind of person he's become." He mutters, and I can sense the pain, the grief in his voice at the loss of someone he loved. "And we're immortal, so I don't lose hope; I have time to wait for him to come back someday." He adds with a coy smile.

His words are optimistic, full of hope; yet they pierce my heart like a dagger.

"I don't." I whisper as tears roll freely down my cheeks. I'm trying as hard as I can to suppress the ache, to push it back down my throat and contain it deep inside my chest, not allowing it to come out and annihilate me.

In three swift strides he's in front of me, holding me by my shoulders.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I was saying; I didn't realize you hurt so much. I'm sorry." He sounds genuinely remorseful, and I'm unable to hold back the next words that come out of my mouth.

"It hurts so much, it feels like I'm dying." I give away, and immediately burst into tears, loud sobs ripping through the quietness of the room, unleashing the wave of torturous anguish I've been repressing the entire day. "So much, I can't breathe, Carlisle." I shriek; I'm hyperventilating and my knees cave in under me.

He unexpectedly pulls me flush against him, wrapping his arms tight around me, fully supporting my weight.

"Let it go, Bella. Let it all out." He whispers in the top of my hair.

I'm gripping his shirt on his chest, gasping for air as the pain is tearing my heart apart, lacerating it into a million shreds. He's holding me so close, and I can feel the fatherly love rolling off of him in waves, protecting me, sheltering me. I can let loose of all my emotions and I trust him to hold me, like a father, like Charlie should have, but never did; not when I was a child, not two years ago when my life crumbled.

Even though there's always been this awkward distance between Charlie and me, I was always satisfied with our relationship; with the silent comprehension, the implicit love. Only now do I realize what I missed; and the person offering that to me is a man I don't even know, a man who was supposed to be uncaring, a man who isn't even alive.

The sobs finally stop, so do the tears, and I'm able to breathe again. I slowly release his shirt and he loosens his hold on me, putting his hands back on my shoulders and taking a step away from me. I wipe the tears on my face with the back of my hand and look up at him sheepishly, only to see his eyes filled with concern.

"I'm sorr – " I start, but he interrupts me in a comforting tone.

"Don't apologize for being sad."

"I'm so tired of crying." I sigh, truly exhausted.

"Let's go home, then."

He walks back to the door and holds it open for me before closing it behind us. I follow him as he leads me through the hospital again, throwing a glance in my direction every now and then; and we arrive in the parking garage.

"Carlisle, wait." I stop him abruptly. "I need to get my car. I left it outside the hospital, I'm not even sure I could park there."

"I'll get your car myself later tonight, don't worry about it." He says in a resolved tone and I don't question him.

He walks another few feet in his confident elegant stride, pulls a key out of his pocket and unlocks the car in front of us; a huge black Mercedes. He opens the passenger door for me and closes it when I'm inside, before walking around the car and taking the driver's seat. Once again, I recognize where Edward must have gotten his gentlemanly manners, and my heart throbs at the thought.

We're just out of the parking garage when Carlisle starts speaking again.

"The traffic is light, it won't take us more than fifteen minutes to get there; we live on the Lake Washington waterfront." He says softly.

"Ok." I mutter, keeping my eyes on the streets lights shining in the darkness, feeling a little numb after the draining emotional breakdown I just went through.

"I called Esme to tell her you were coming, she was truly elated. She said she was ordering pizza for you." He continues, obviously trying to lift my spirits.

"That's very nice of her. She didn't have to, though. I'm not really hungry." I answer, trying not to sound too ungrateful.

"When was the last time you ate something?" He's eyeing me suspiciously.

"Um…This afternoon, I had cereal before I left Port Angeles." I answer contentedly, thinking it will be enough to drop the subject.

"Ok, let me rephrase that. When was the last time you had a decent meal?" Clearly, he isn't going to let this go. I'm not used to this kind of attention. Once more, he's showing me exactly what I never had with either of my parents; _I_ was the one feeding them.

"Because you consider pizza to be a decent meal, maybe?" I counter playfully.

"Human nutrition isn't my area of expertise, but I'm positive pizza is better than cereal." He retorts in the same tone, daring me to contradict him.

"Alright, then, I'll eat some pizza. But I'm doing it for Esme." I reply, feigning annoyance. I'm amazed at how at ease I am with him, I'm never this forward with people I don't know; and with people I know either, ordinarily. It can't be a vampire-triggered reaction, though, considering how scared I was of this Demetri.

He slows down in a large street bordered by huge entrance gates, and finally stops in front of one. It opens instantly; he maneuvers along the driveway, and parks in front of a colossal house. I've never seen a residence like this one before, except in movies. I let myself out of the car and the front door opens, a stunning young woman walking out with a huge smile lighting her beautiful face.

"Hi, I'm Esme." She says, her eyes gleaming with excitement. "Nice to finally meet you, Bella. Please come inside."

"Thank you. I hope I'm not bothering you in any way." I reply, feeling awfully self-conscious.

"Not at all. I'm glad to have some company. My children left for an impromptu trip to Alaska; it gets quickly boring without anyone around the house."

"Alice isn't here? I was hoping to see her." I'm trying to keep the disappointment from my voice, not very successfully. I wish I could talk to her, she seems to have answers that nobody else does.

"I'm sure you'll see her again, eventually." She states confidently.

I enter the house after her and my heart stops at the magnificence of their home. The night has fallen outside, but inside the house is luminous, bright, the walls white, contrasting with the dark hardwood floors. The furniture is very simplistic, but imposing. I remain wordless as she explains to me that she decorated the interior herself while showing me the way to the kitchen.

I gasp as I walk in the immense kitchen, equipped with what appears to be state-of-the-art appliances. I love to cook but I'm not sure I would know how to use half of them. I see her looking at me expectantly and I blurt the first thought that crosses my mind.

"You don't cook!"

She lets out a melodic crystal-sounding laugh and I hear Carlisle chuckle behind me.

"No, Bella, we don't cook. The kitchen was already there when we bought the house." He explains ironically, smiling at me, and I feel ridiculous.

"Of course, I'm sorry. It's an amazing kitchen, it just seems like such a waste not to use it."

"You're welcome to cook in it anytime you want, you know." She offers sweetly as she hands me a plate with a slice of the pizza she ordered. I take a seat at the table, confused by her offer.

"Unfortunately, I won't have time to. I need to go back home."

Carlisle walks closer to me, looking at me cautiously, and they both sit down at the table.

"Bella, this vampire you saw, Demetri, he's very dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt. I'd rather you hid here until we're certain he's left town."

"How long? And I have to go to work, I need to go back to Port Angeles tomorrow morning." I panic. My life is such a mess.

"We'll figure something out for your job. I want you to stay here as long as necessary."

I push the plate away on the table. I'm really not hungry anymore, and lean on the back of my chair.

"I need to change out of my work clothes. Bella, can you join me in the library when you're finished, and we'll talk a little? After that, if you want, I'll drive you back to Port Angeles myself."

I'm staring at my pizza, but in the corner of my eye I see Esme stiffen, and Carlisle tilt his head to the side in her direction. I don't understand why they care so much about what can happen to me, but it seems genuine and deep inside I just know I can trust them. The idea of staying here for a few days feels oddly appealing, and I'm not sure why.

"Alright." I answer, smiling timidly at both of them, and Esme visibly lightens up.

As I'm incapable of eating anything more, she offers to show me around the house, explaining gleefully that decorating is her passion, and she in fact owns an interior design agency. She gives me a tour of the entire property, leading me through rooms more spectacular one after the other; the living room with the gigantic flat screen TV; the dining room that they regretfully never use; the music room with the baby grand piano. Each of these rooms has a fireplace, and large floor-to-ceiling windows with a breathtaking view on the lake. She leads me to the second floor, briefly indicating everyone's rooms and Carlisle's office as we pass by the closed doors. She stops in front of the last door and turns to me.

"You're not going to leave us tonight, so you need a room to sleep in." She says a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"You don't –"

"This was not a question, honey." She interrupts, feigning authority, but the playful glint is still there. "This is Edward's room." She simply says as she opens the door. I can't look inside, I'm confused, I don't understand.

"I thought he left while you were in Chicago?" I ask, wandering why he would have a room in this house.

"He did. He never came in this house, but wherever we go, there's a room for him, should he ever decide to come home."

I'm stunned by the love I sense through her soft, melodic voice. I don't understand why Edward wouldn't want to come back to them. They obviously miss him very much.

I finally turn my head to look inside the room that's supposed to be Edward's, and somehow I recognize him in the way the room is furnished. Esme clearly knows him very well. From what I saw of his apartment, he could have decorated it himself and it wouldn't be much different. It's all harmonized in dark brown and light beige colors; a fawn carpet, and chocolate curtains. There's a brown leather couch, just like the one I slept on at his place; empty bookshelves, waiting for his books; and a large bed with a brown comforter on top.

I walk in slowly; even though he's never been here, I feel like I'm intruding.

"I already put everything you should need in the bathroom." She says, nodding in direction of the two open doors on my right. I sneak a glance through them; one opens on a walk-in closet, empty; the other leads to the bathroom.

It's breathtaking, all in white marble, with a big bathtub and a large shower with smoked glass doors. I don't linger, still feeling uncomfortable, and go back to the hallway where Esme is waiting for me. She leads me back downstairs without a word. As we arrive at the library door, she turns to me, her eyes clouded by sorrow.

"He was sad when he was with us." She murmurs, her voice strained. She was so cheerful only minutes ago, I don't understand at first what caused her mood change. Then I realize, she didn't walk inside Edward's room; she must miss him more than she allows people to see. I just nod and let her continue.

"It wasn't easy for him to be with us, alone, among three happy couples. And we didn't see, we didn't realize. That's why we didn't understand when…" She trails off, shaking her head slightly. "Jasper tried to help him, but it was too much. Carlisle reacted really badly when Edward took it out on him personally. He's the father figure in our family, so it makes sense, I guess, but…" Her voice fades again, and she shrugs. "At one point they just stop understanding each other. Carlisle misses him more than I do, if that's possible. He was his first companion, you know; it means a lot to him." She stares at the door for a second, as if she could see Carlisle through it, then turns back to me, smiling sadly before heading back to the living room.

I stand there wordless, trying to absorb the importance of her confession, and organize my thoughts, unsuccessfully. I finally turn around, open the door and enter the library.

The room is spectacular; on either side of the large windows, the walls have been transformed into immense built-in bookcases, filled with hundreds of volumes. In the middle of the room, there's only a set of two couches, one facing the windows and the other facing the door. Carlisle is nonchalantly sprawled on the latter wearing old faded jeans and a tight white t-shirt. His arms are stretched on the back of the couch, his head lolling back slightly, eyes closed, and I'm bewildered by the sight. He opens his eyes to look at me, and I stare at him a second too long, making him chuckle.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare, but you really don't look like a father, right now." The words are already out of my mouth before I realize what I'm saying. He smiles, his eyebrows shooting up, and of course, I blush.

"I mean, you look very different than when you're at work; you look much younger." I stammer pathetically.

"Well, I'm going to take that as a compliment, so thank you." He replies, resting his elbows on his knees, and gesturing for me to sit in front of him. I walk around the couch and take a seat.

"I don't mean to pry, but how old were you when…?" I don't finish my question, but he knows what I mean.

"I was twenty-nine. The long decades of experience make me appear older most of the time."

"When were you born?" I ask unthinkingly, and I see the corner of his mouth twitch up before he gives his answer.

"1640."

I stare at him, shocked, my eyes wide open, my jaw probably on the floor for several long seconds as I start feeling my mouth dry up. He's waiting for me to answer, his eyes cautious but his lips tightly shut in a vain attempt to conceal his amusement.

"And I thought Edward was old." I mutter once the shock has dissipated. He laughs, but his smile fades away almost instantly.

"What did Edward tell you exactly?"

I sigh softly, gathering some strength to relate the main events to him. I know it'll be easier now that the emotional crash I experienced in his office liberated me from some of the tension, rendering the pain more tolerable, for a little while at least.

"To sum it up, he told me about his age, about how you changed the members of your family. He told me that he left because you weren't getting along. He told me about how _you_ feed and I left him." I recount what happened without stopping, afraid I won't finish if I do.

"How did you found out? Did he just tell you?"

"Not exactly. He kind of showed me." I tell him tentatively.

"What?" He exclaims, sitting up straight.

"He saved me, in fact. I was in Seattle for work, I got attacked by four men, and he appeared out of nowhere and got me out of there." I explain, trying for some reason to make it sound not as bad as it really was.

"That was after we met at the hospital?" He asks, evidently trying to put all the pieces together.

"Yes."

"So you deduced it from his speed, his strength?" He asks, visibly intrigued, and I realize that my elusive explanation misled him.

"Um…no, I saw him…um, he fed…in front of me." I mumble, looking at him apprehensively.

"WHAT? Please tell me you're not serious." He yells, his eyes pleading for me to tell him he misunderstood.

"I am."

"Ugh, Edward." He mutters as he stands up and walks around the couch, resting his hands on its back. "And you stayed with him to talk about it?" He questions skeptically.

"Again, not exactly. I kind of blacked out, so he brought me to his place." I cringe at the words I'm uttering; they sound much worse than what I recall of the event.

"Not to the hospital, not to me. I can't believe how stupid he is." He whispers, and I'm not certain he meant for me to hear it.

"I don't want to be disrespectful, but he didn't call you because he doesn't trust you." I say as nicely as I can manage. I don't want to hurt him on purpose, but since we're being honest, he should know why he wasn't asked for his help.

"I know. I probably don't deserve his trust, to be honest." He murmurs. Before I can ask what he means by this, what happened between them, he starts speaking again. "Do you want me to inform him that you're here, in case he's looking for you?"

"He's not looking for me. And I've already said what I had to say to him." I answer, and I'm surprised by the firmness of my voice.

"Bella, - " He starts in an reproving tone of voice, but I don't let him finish.

"I can't…I just can't. _You_ think it's unforgivable, and you're a vampire. How could I accept this?"

"I understand. And I agree with you; but I'm sorry for you, nonetheless." He offers kindly.

"Thank you."

"You should get some sleep, now." He advises. "I'll go get your car and bring it back here; I'll call your boss from the hospital tomorrow, as your doctor, and pretend you're hospitalized." He has apparently thought of everything, I have no valid reason to refuse their invitation. Not that I want to, anyway.

"She won't believe you." I reply, painfully remembering Edward's similar lie, and her reaction to it.

"I'll figure something out. I don't want to leave you unprotected until the Demetri issue is cleared."

"Thank you."

I explain to him where I left my truck, give him the number of the bookstore and walk slowly to the door. I grab the handle but turn around before exiting the room, one detail bothering me.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He answers candidly.

"Are you wearing contacts?" I ask curiously, and I see shock register behind his eyes as he comprehends the source of my query.

"You saw his eyes." He responds, a hint of disgust and anger tainting his voice.

"Yes. I like his eyes, actually." I retort, because it's the truth. I miss his eyes, and the intensity of his gaze on me. I grip the door handle, willing the stinging of my heart to abate.

"No, we're not wearing contacts. They're naturally brown because of…" He trails off, knowing I'll understand the rest.

"Various diet options." I finish his sentence, not needing any further explanation; and he simply nods.

We stare at each other for a few moments, recognizing in the other's eyes the same pain, the same loss.

I finally turn around and I open the door, leaving Carlisle alone in the library. I walk upstairs to Edward's bedroom; to _my_ bedroom for an undetermined number of days. I try not to look around me as I hastily put on the blue, silk pajamas Esme left for me in the bathroom and climb into bed. Even though he's never been in this bed, in this room, in this house before, being here without him is causing a new wave of pain to build in my chest, threatening to explode.

Visions of Edward invade my mind; I see him staring back at me with hypnotizing golden-brown eyes, and I can't breathe again as a scorching blade pierces my heart. I clutch the pillow tightly and bury my face in it, prepared to stifle the cries I know will certainly overcome me.

* * *

**_A/N: Thank you guys so much for sticking with me, and for all the reviews, you're all amazing :)_**

**_As usual, thanks to theotherbella, because she's the awesomest beta ever!_**

**_Next chapter will be EPOV, so we'll see what Edward's up to. _**

**_Did you guess where he is? ;)_**


	13. Come home

**Chapter 12 – Come home**

**EPOV**

I'm concealed by the density of the woods. No one can see me; only the wild animals can sense my presence. I feel them recoil as I approach, but I disappear quickly before they can even decide to escape.

I'm running. I don't stop. I don't even decelerate; I just run.

I need to arrive as fast as I can. I need to be surrounded by busy minds that will occupy mine and fill my head with their erratic thoughts. I fear my own thoughts; I try to escape them, to keep them locked in the back of my consciousness. They hurt too much.

All the memories of the past few days are swirling in my head, driving me insane. Fragments of my conversations with Bella are incessantly echoing in my head. I can hear her voice utter the most beautiful confession I could ever wish to hear, as well as the most hurtful adieu.

I'm lost, drifting away in an ocean of my uncertainties. I was confident before, positive about who I was and what I wanted. I possessed the unquestionable truth as to what was right, acceptable; or so I believed.

I was wrong. I lost her.

Since our quarrel, I'd tried relentlessly to find a way to make Bella understand my point of view. I only wished for her to see through my eyes, through my mind so she would understand. She would realize that my way of life isn't as appalling as she initially thought.

But she refused to talk to me. She denied me the chance to explain my choices.

I didn't chase her when she darted out of my apartment. Perhaps I should have. Perhaps if I had ran after her in the hallway, she would have calmed down, enough for me to relate to her the pieces of the story she still ignored.

That first letter I left at her front door was meant to catch her attention. I thought I could spark her curiosity enough for her to accept discussing the situation with me. But she didn't even open it.

I watched her, waiting, praying for a sign from her informing me of her assent to talk to me. That sign never came.

I listened to her cries breaking the eerie silence of her home, abrading her throat, draining her until she fell asleep. My lifeless heart broke.

I heard her whimper my name sadly in her sleep, her frail voice cracking as she tossed and turned restlessly in her sheets. My heart broke even more.

I never entered her house, though; I know she wouldn't have wanted me to. I stayed outside, hidden in the darkness. I listened to the sound of her irregular breathing, to the pounding of her troubled heart. I restrained the desire to climb inside her bedroom, hold her hand and run my fingers through her hair the way I had previously.

I watched her wake up the next morning and hurry to work. I grinded my teeth as I heard her conversation with her boss, the crude remarks she said out loud to Bella, and the ones, much worse, that she didn't voice. Her thoughts, her assumptions about my Bella sickened me. I heard her mind replay the mysterious events that occurred to Bella two years ago, offering me new pieces of information about what happened. I don't believe it, though. Bella isn't that kind of person, and it truly hurt that anyone would have that opinion of her.

I observed her for an entire day; and another, and another… as she ignored my letter on her kitchen table, as she ignored my existence. I witnessed her revert to the life she had before we met; I saw her walking around her house, driving, working barely conscious, her face blank.

I couldn't take it anymore; I couldn't let het sink any further in her melancholy. I had to reach her somehow.

If she refused to come to me, to allow me to explain to her in person, I would simply bring the explanation to her.

I wrote her another letter, packed my valued sketchbooks and brought them to her house. Once again, she didn't open her door for me. It hurt more this time as she must have known it was me; still she stayed hidden in her bed.

I heard her upstairs, groaning from her bedroom when she heard the knock on the door. I heard her sheets shuffling, and for a second I thought she would come down. She didn't; and then there was no sound except for her even breathing as she fell back asleep.

I put down my belongings on her doorstep, hoping she would open the package eventually, and finally revise her negative perception of my life choices.

I stood outside her house, carefully concealed, when she finally opened the door and retrieved the box. I stared at her through her window while she read the letters. I watched the tears stream down her lovely face as she turned the pages of my sketchbooks. I sensed her shock when she saw herself on the last page, and I thought she would understand.

She kept her eyes fixed on the books for the longest time, and I never wished I could read her mind more than at that moment. I observed her carefully, waiting for any indication on her feelings, waiting for any sign telling me I should go to her.

Then I heard her. It was merely a whisper, a faint murmur that escaped her lips, but it was unmistakable in my ears.

_It's over._

And my whole world collapsed. She didn't understand; my reasons weren't valid to her.

She didn't want to be with me. She didn't want me.

I started running, coward that I am, not wanting to let the wretched growl building in my chest erupt so close to her. She would hear me; she would know I had been watching her, and she might not be pleased with it.

Truthfully, I was also not strong enough to listen to her heartbreaking sobs again, knowing I was the reason for her grief. I had no more explanations I could give her, hoping they would ease her pain. I had shown her the most private side of myself, and it wasn't sufficient.

I couldn't do anything more to comfort her at that point; yet I knew it was impossible for me to live without her. I couldn't lose her. Somehow I had to win her back. I would do all I could, attempt anything in my power in order to be with her.

I knew instantly where to start, what I had to achieve, for her. So I started sprinting through the forest, heading north.

Never slowing down in my race, I pull my cell phone out of my pocket. I press call on the first name in my contact list; the one person I know will always help me, no matter what.

She answers on the first ring.

"Hi, Edward," she says softly.

"Alice, I need you. I… I lost her," my voice sounds more agitated than I intended to, betraying my current state of distress.

"I know."

"Can you help me, please? I can't live without her," I almost yell, not attempting to hide my anguish anymore.

"What are you willing to do to get her back," Alice inquires, her tone suddenly hard.

"Anything."

"I want to hear you say the words, Edward. What will you do to get her back?"

"I'll change," I reply sincerely, absolutely convinced that this is what I want to do. "I'll stop drinking human blood, I'll only hunt animals like I used to. I'll do anything I can."

"Do you think it'll be enough?"

"I don't know, I hope so," her severe voice is worsening my fears, though not enough to obliterate my determination. "But I need your help, Alice, I can't do this on my own. I'm already heading to Alaska, could you join me there? Please, I'm begging you."

"Of course, I'll help you," she answers, her tone perceptibly warmer. "I'm already in Alaska, I knew you would come here. Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie are with me, although you shouldn't expect a warm welcome. Carlisle and Esme don't know anything, I figured you wouldn't want him to know, for now."

"Thank you Alice, for everything. I should arrive sometime Monday."

"Oh, and Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I hate to say this, but you should have listened to me," she adds, and I can hear her teasing mischievous smile.

"You love to say that, Alice," I chuckle and hang up my phone. I put it back in my pocket as I'm still running. A feeling of hope suddenly fills my chest, along with gratefulness for my devoted sister.

Another sensation, more pessimistic, creeps inside of me at the thought of seeing the rest of my family again after such a long absence. Even without Alice's warning, I suspected that they wouldn't be as forgiving.

As I recall my phone conversation with Alice, I barely realize that I've been running for almost 45 hours. I'm getting closer to my destination; a secluded house we own near Lake Mansfield, concealed in the forest.

I slow down and carefully approach the house. When I'm only a few yards away, my siblings' thoughts come rushing in my head and invade my mind; and like Alice warned me, most of them are rather displeased with my return.

I see the vision of my approach reflect in Alice's mind; and as she informs them of my presence, all the thoughts I could perceive abruptly stop. They all concentrate on some random object in the house in an effort to mask what's truly on their mind. I heard enough to discern their frame of mind, though; I know what to expect.

As I walk the small distance still separating me from the front door, Alice appears there and the smile she was wearing fades instantly.

_You look broken._

"I am," I mutter, answering to her thought.

"Come in," she offers as she steps aside to let me enter the house. I walk in the living room where the rest of my family is waiting, and immediately notice something peculiar about their behavior.

Rosalie glares at me, her lips slightly pursed; but I wasn't expecting any less from her. What surprises me is the way she gets up from the couch and moves closer to Alice, positioning herself behind Alice's petite silhouette.

Emmett looks down on me from a corner of the room. He's motionless, his posture menacing, but I see in his eyes that it's only a façade. He stops hiding his thoughts from me for only a second, and I hear a clear _'I'm here, don't worry'_ in a sympathetic tone as he turns his head to Jasper. My other brother is standing on the opposite side of the room, looking down at the floor, clearly avoiding my gaze.

He's struggling to hide his thoughts from me, and probably his intentions from Alice, who seems oblivious to what's happening here. I can only catch a glimpse of his mind, but it's more than enough to comprehend what he's planning; with Emmett and Rosalie's help, apparently.

Before I can react or say anything, I feel Alice suddenly freeze beside me, only for a second. She turns to Rosalie who takes advantage of her momentary distraction to grab her violently. Trapped in Rosalie's grasp, Alice turns her gaze back to Jasper, her eyes wide open and I can see it all. Images flash in my head, pieces of the vision she just had; Jasper's intentions.

"Jasper, don't! Please, don't do this," Alice shrieks as Rose is pulling her backwards toward the kitchen.

"Come, Alice, let him. He needs to," Rosalie replies, unsuccessfully trying to quiet her down while still glaring at me.

I'm stunned by what I witness. Jasper doesn't lift his head, and Alice isn't strong enough against Rosalie's death grip. She's taken out of the room and the door locks as soon as they're out.

Emmett is still standing at the same place, his arms crossed over his chest; almost as if he didn't want to take part in this affair.

Jasper finally looks up at me, his golden eyes darkened with rage. He's usually perfectly calm, composed; he has never lost his temper in front of any of us in the many decades we've know him.

He slowly takes a step toward me and addresses me through his thoughts, not bothering to speak out loud.

_Alice still loves you, she'd do anything for you;_ _even though I'm not sure why. Do you have any idea how much you hurt her?_

He's fuming, I can hear the wrath building in him. I answer calmly; trying to avoid infuriating him even more.

"I know that when I left – "

"Not because you left, you prick !" He shouts, his eyes black, shooting daggers at me. "Did it ever occur to you that she would see everything? Every time you decided to hunt, every time you set your mind on a prey, she saw it. Every single person you killed, she saw their faces; she saw you do it," he seethes through gritted teeth.

It had in fact never occurred to me, and I realize now how selfish I had been. Before I can fully comprehend what he just told me, my mind is unexpectedly assaulted by images of Alice. I see her having those visions of me; I see her suffering, the joy on her beautiful face, in her bright eyes slowly fading over time.

I hear what Jasper's next move is, and I don't try to avoid it or protect myself. I stay still, waiting for what's coming, and I don't duck. He takes two swift strides in my direction and punches me square in the face.

I deserve it. I deserve worse.

I sink to my knees. The pain caused by the impact of his fist is nothing compared to the realization of what I did, and the consequences of my actions.

Jasper isn't finished with me yet. He grabs me by the throat and lifts me up with one hand. I don't protest.

He slams me against the wall, only releasing his grip on me to punch me again in the stomach. He hits once, twice, so many times I can't count. I don't fight back.

He finally stops and puts his hand on my chest to hold me against the wall. He's looking into my eyes with fury, waiting for me to respond.

There's nothing I can say, no excuses, no justifications; nothing that could erase all the pain I inflicted on Alice.

"You think it hurts ?" He finally asks when I don't speak, then leans forward to whisper in my ear. "You think you're in pain... You're not even close."

Jasper takes a step back and pushes his hand flat on my chest. He keeps his gaze locked on mine, throwing at me images of Alice curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth in unvoiced anguish. Suddenly a wave of sorrow washes over me, along with hurt, hopelessness, despair; and I need to hold on to his arm for support. He sends through me all the emotions he has accumulated for nine years, all the emotions he sheltered Alice from, taking them from her, protecting her from the ache.

I can feel it all; nine years of pain, the pain _I_ put her through, concentrated in one hit, crushing me. The sensations are overwhelming; my chest is constricted under the force of Jasper's ability. My limbs go numb and my head feels like it's going to explode. I let the excruciating feelings thrash me, until I can't stand anymore.

I don't try to block those hurtful feelings, I deserve them, I embrace them; but my body eventually fails me. My knees give up under me.

Jasper is holding me up against the wall with his hand and I don't have enough strength anymore to grip his arm and hold myself up. My arms are limp at my sides, my head lolling forward, my eyes screwed shut. I haven't felt this helpless and weak in almost a century, since my last day as a human.

Beneath Jasper's hand, a void has taken the place of my lifeless heart, absorbing all my strength like a black hole. I'm suffocating, even though I don't need to breathe. The feelings are overpowering me and I surrender, wishing I could die just to make it stop.

The wave of emotional pain suddenly stops, but I still feel it. It's in me, now; forever.

Jasper releases me and I fall on the floor, defeated. He's towering over me and I can hear his thought.

_Now we're even._

Rosalie must have let go of Alice, who violently opens the door and runs to me. She kneels beside me and puts her arms around me, pulling me closer to her. A feeling uncommon to me wraps around my inert heart, compressing it.

Guilt.

I put my arms around her tiny waist and hold her tight, needing more than ever to be forgiven for what I'd done. The words come rushing out of my mouth.

"Alice, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know. I didn't know you saw it all. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought about telling you. But I knew it wouldn't change anything. You wouldn't have changed," she murmurs in my shoulder.

"What ?" I ask incredulously, pulling away enough to look into her eyes. Am I so selfish that I would have consciously let her suffer that much?

"Not for me. But you will for her."

"Bella," I breathe, grasping the importance she has, and not only for me.

"Well," Emmett interrupts in his usual loud cheerful voice. "I can't wait to meet her. She has to be one hell of a woman if she can get _you_ to second guess yourself!"

Alice and I get up from the floor where we were both kneeling and move to the couch to sit down. Rosalie and Emmett are standing a few feet away, and Jasper sits in a chair in front of us.

"What is so special about her, anyway," Rosalie asks dryly. "I mean, except the fact that you _really_ want to kill her."

"I can't explain exactly. I just can't be away from her. She's perfect, she's different, she's… she's mine," I tell my siblings in earnest. "And she yells at me," I add, looking at Rosalie and smirking slightly.

"Oh, I think I'm going to like her," Rosalie lights up all of a sudden.

"If she still wants me," I whisper sadly.

"You're aware of it, aren't you ?" Jasper asks, looking at me curiously.

"Of what?"

"Your feelings for her."

"What do you mean?"

"Edward, from what you just described and what I can sense in you, it has nothing to do with her blood. How can you not realize that ?" He clarifies, a knowing smile on his lips.

I stare at him for a moment and suddenly it all becomes clear. Indeed, how could I not have realized that? It's so obvious. I've witnessed it for decades, yet I failed to put the right word on my attraction to her.

It's more than her blood, so much more. It's her, all of her. I already told her that I want to spend the rest of my existence with her by my side, but I should have told her those three words; what I feel for her.

"I love her," I whisper, looking at my siblings. They're all staring at me like I'm the dumbest person in the world. I have to admit that it's probably justified.

"Can I tell you what I saw, now ?" Alice asks as she starts bouncing on the couch.

"No," I snap.

"Oh, come on. Why not? You really don't trust my visions at all?"

"It's not that," I hesitate for a second before continuing. "Now I'm afraid it'll make it worse if she doesn't want me back. And you didn't see all of this happening." I don't want to be mean to her, but she in fact didn't anticipate all the events that occurred recently. I don't doubt her ability, but it doesn't seem as precise as she believes.

"I see the general outcome, not all the details along the way," she replies, rolling her eyes at me. "But fine, if you don't want to know, I won't tell you. However, just so you know, you're halfway there," she adds with a mischievous grin, and she winks at me.

"Alright, enough with the emotional stuff. We all know what you're here for, so let's get down to business. When was the last time you fed ?" Emmett gets all serious as he changes the course of the conversation.

"It was last Monday, exactly one week ago," I recall easily the night I caused Bella to be in shock for several hours.

"Good," Jasper says. "What I propose is that you feed as much and as often as possible. You should start now, too; don't wait until you're actually thirsty. You have to be fully sated at all times; it will help you resist the smell of human blood. And with time you'll be able to feed less and less frequently."

"This is the method Carlisle opted for with you, isn't it ?" I wonder.

"Yes, it is. But it should be easier for you. You've only been drinking human blood for nine years; you were sustaining yourself on animals exclusively for more than eighty years before that."

"Do you honestly think I can do it? And be with her without killing her ?" I ask, worry involuntarily evident in my voice.

"Yes," he says out loud, his words echoing his thoughts.

"Come on, brothers, let's hunt," Emmett barks at us, causing Rosalie and Alice to giggle.

I've missed them.

Jasper and I get up from our seats and we follow Emmett, already on his way out to the forest.

"By the way, Jasper, your ability is astonishing. I never knew you had that kind of power," I confess, truly amazed. I also want to show my brother that we can put behind us what occurred earlier between us.

"Well, now you know. Don't mess with me," he jokes; although I'm positive I sense a hint of threat in his reply. He senses my hesitation and gives me a playful tap on a shoulder.

In the course of a half hour, our main issues have been resolved, and I'm among my family again.

We walk back inside the house, joining the girls in the living room after a few hours of hunting in the forest. I feel weak, and slightly lost. Hunting animals turned out to be more challenging than I remember. I realize that when I was hunting criminals, I relied a lot more on my ability to hear humans' thoughts than my vampire instincts.

Our hunting trip wasn't all negative; I caught a moose, and I fed. Everything went smoothly enough, but nothing compared to Emmett or Jasper's dexterity. Of course, Emmett won't pass on the opportunity to mock me.

"Come on, Edward, admit it. I'm a better hunter."

"My technique could use some improvement, I admit it. What can I say; humans are easier to hunt," I retort without thinking.

They all stop and stare at me for a second, not really knowing what to make of my comment. I hear their puzzled thoughts, trying to figure out if I was serious or joking.

"I've decided to go back to my old habits, but I'm not going to pretend the last nine years didn't happen," I explain. "All the decisions I've made, they're a part of my life, a part of who I am, and I'm not going to deny it. It _is_ easier to hunt a human. It's also more satiating, and it tastes better."

Jasper shifts uncomfortably beside me, and before he says anything, I already know he agrees with me. I never would have thought he'd voice his opinion, though.

"He's right, it's true," he murmurs, looking hesitantly at Alice. "There's no need to pretend or lie about it."

Alice frowns slightly and I catch a glimpse of Bella's face in her mind. It's all too fast for me to understand what I saw, and Alice starts talking. I decide to listen to her instead of trying to discern more images.

"Ok, first of all, I really don't want to listen to the two of you talking about how tasty human blood is. Gross," she starts, wrinkling her nose. "And second of all, there's something I need to tell you," she adds tentatively, keeping her eyes on me.

At that moment I can hear in her mind parts of the conversation she apparently had with Carlisle, and it was about Bella.

"Why did he call? Where is Bella? Is she alright ?" I panic.

"I forgot how annoying this was. Could you talk out loud for those of us who can't read minds, please ?" Emmett complains.

"Carlisle called while you were hunting," Rosalie starts, but I interrupt her, anxious to know what happened.

"Alice, what happened to her ?" I yell.

"Edward, please calm down. She's fine, I promise. She went to your apartment and a member of the Volturi guard, Demetri, was there waiting for you," she explains carefully.

"What ?" I yell again.

"He didn't touch her. She ran to Carlisle because she didn't know how to contact you."

"I should have never left her. I'm going back to her," I murmur to myself as I walk to the front door, terrified that something might have happened to my beautiful angel.

"Wait. She's safe. She's staying with Carlisle and Esme until they're certain Demetri has left. Carlisle promised he wouldn't let anything happen to her," she says, pulling at my wrist to hold me back.

"He offered to let her stay with them ?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"For a few days, at least."

"As if she wasn't already convinced of how evil I am," I mutter sarcastically. I'm sure Carlisle won't refrain from relating her my worst deeds, making sure she'll stay away from me for the rest of her life.

"Edward, don't do this. He's protecting her; for now that's all that matters," Rosalie interjects harshly.

"And you didn't you tell him I was here, did you," I ask Alice, ignoring Rosalie's glare.

"No, I figured you wouldn't want him to know. But _she_ should."

"No, not yet. If I fail it'll be worse for her; I don't want to make promises I'm not sure I can keep."

"You won't fail, Edward. I know it," she assures me, never letting go of my wrist.

"You know it ?" I repeat, snatching my hand away. "How come you didn't see her facing Demetri; or going to Carlisle?"

"Stop blaming her, Edward," Rosalie interrupts once again, and she's really starting to bother me.

"I'm not," I yell before calming down. "I'm not, I'm sorry."

"I know. Edward, I only see her when it concerns you. But I'll try to concentrate more on her alone, just to be safe."

"Thank you, Alice."

"Are you sure you don't want her to know you're here? She might be worried for you," Jasper asks softly.

"Yes, I'm sure. She's suffered enough because of me. I don't want her to be even more disappointed. Besides, she said herself that it's over; I'm not so sure she worries about me anymore."

"She was at your place, though," he continues, and it sounds like a question.

"I don't know," I answer, trying to find a reason why she would be at my apartment. And I think I know. "She had something of mine, something important. Maybe she was just bringing it back."

My entire body aches at the thought of Bella coming to my place to give back everything I ever gave her; my sketchbooks, the letters in which I confessed how much I care about her, my handkerchief I offered her the first time we talked.

If I'm right about this, she decided to get rid of everything that would remind her of me, as if I had never existed. That realization sickens me; I sink down on the couch, put my elbows on my knees and take my head in my hands, covering my face.

"I'm afraid I really lost her; forever."

Jasper senses my distress, as usual, and puts his hand on my shoulder. Just when I think he's going to use his ability to soothe me, nothing happens. He lets me feel the loss, the hurt. He knows I need to, and I welcome it.

I remain in that position for the longest time, with my family by my side, quiet.

I will try everything in my power to get Bella back, and hopefully spend the rest of my long life with her, if she ever changes her mind and accepts me. But even if it doesn't succeed, I will be forever grateful to my siblings for helping me try.

Time passes, three whole weeks, and I miss Bella.

I miss her presence, her smell surrounding me. I miss the silence when I'm around her, the quietness, the peace. I miss the feel of her small fingers wrapped around mine as she was sleeping on my couch. Her absence is insufferable.

I haven't contacted her, she still doesn't know where I am and what I'm trying to achieve in order to be with her, in order for her to accept me. Each second I have to spend away from her is painful, but necessary. Every time I close my eyes I see her beautiful face; her big brown eyes, her smile. It's a constant struggle not to run back to her.

I pray that she's fine; but more selfishly I pray that she's waiting for me. I wish that somehow, she wants me to come back and that she'll be there for me when I do. I imagine her opening her arms to me, accepting me, even loving me.

Three excruciatingly long weeks have gone by and I don't know what's going on in her life. I vainly try to focus on my progress, hunting with my brothers, talking with my family, sharing past experiences and anecdotes. But my mind always goes back to Bella, and I ache to go back to her, look at her, touch her…and if she lets me, kiss her.

The visualization of her body so close to mine has me nearly losing control. I envision my hands on her skin, my lips brushing against hers, soft, warm, wet; and my entire body trembles. I bask in the memory of her delicious, luscious scent, and venom fills my mouth as I muse about her throat, pulsing, and my teeth grazing her porcelain skin.

I'm not ready to see her, yet.

I've fed several times, following Jasper's advice to hunt as often as possible. The taste of animal blood is nothing compared to human blood, but I have to admit that hunting with my brothers, especially Emmett, is rather entertaining. It has become like a competition between us, a game, and I'm glad to realize that I'm still as gifted as I used to be.

Hunting animals seems natural to me, as I have been living this way for the largest part of my existence. It all came back to me rather quickly, and I don't feel like I miss human blood as much as I thought I would.

They finally allowed me to get out of the house and take a walk in town; judging my progress significant enough. It's the first time in three weeks I have any kind of interaction with a human being.

As I walk in the street, the four members of my family surround me, ready to hold me back in case I attempt to attack one of the people obliviously passing by. I walk with my hands clenched into fists in my pockets, looking down at the ground as the smell of their blood makes my throat burn and my mouth fill with venom.

Each human that crosses our path elicits a primitive reaction on me. I'm the predator, and they're the prey; but some other part can't perceive them as anything less than people, innocent, inoffensive. I hear their thoughts as they walk by us; they're confused, worried for some of them; they recognize the threat as we elicit the opposite primitive reaction in them.

I control my thirst, I don't attack anyone; I don't even try to. But I physically want to, badly.

The last time I fed with human blood was not even a month ago; I would normally just start being thirsty again. Yet I've drank animal blood four times since, and even though I'm not actually thirsty, I feel more drawn to human blood, it's harder to resist.

That's the reason why I can't see Bella, yet; considering how hard it is for me to withstand the blood of any human, I would never be able to resist hers.

The mere thought of her, the memory of her scent, the vision of her blood rushing to her cheeks, pulsing in her veins is driving me insane. I need more time to be sure I wouldn't hurt her. She already believes I'm a monster, I need to prove to her that I can be good enough for her, that I can be a man.

We play human for a few hours, walking among them, pretending to grab a drink in a bar and make small talk with the flagrantly flirtatious waitress. We finally get back to Emmett's Jeep and I relax. I can fill my lungs with air to speak without fear of losing my self-control.

The drive back to the house is quiet, for them at least, as I discern everyone's thoughts. They're satisfied, proud of my behavior, the look on their faces visibly appeased.

I must admit that I'm rather proud myself that I managed to accomplish this task. After barely three weeks, I'm capable of spending time among humans when I thought it would take me months to reach that point.

More than anything, it makes me hopeful; if I keep progressing as rapidly, I might get to see my Bella sooner that I initially imagined.

Jasper senses the optimistic feelings running through me, and greets me with a wide knowing smile, accompanying his thought.

_I'm proud of you, brother. I missed you. We all did._

I just nod and smile back at him. I know very well that Jasper is aware of my feelings for them without any word needing to be spoken.

Unfortunately, the lighter mood is disturbed as soon as we arrive back at the house. Alice freezes in the hallway, both hands on her temples, her eyes unfocused. She's having a vision.

They all stop to look at her, waiting for her to come out of her haze to explain what her vision is about; but I already know. I can see it in her mind as she's envisioning it, and my whole world collapse under my feet.

Before I can react, Alice is back, conscious, and holds me by the shoulders.

"We will get her back, I promise," she affirms assertively.

"Call Carlisle, maybe it isn't too late. Maybe we can prevent it, keep it from happening," I reply frantically as my worst nightmare is coming to life.

"Carlisle won't be there fast enough. It's already happening, I'm sorry. I'll call him and inform him we're coming back to Seattle," she answers back softly in a vain attempt to calm me down; but her feeble voice betrays her anxiety.

"What's wrong? What's happening? Alice, tell us what you saw," Jasper asks worriedly.

"It's Bella," I mutter in a weak, straining voice as my throat is constricted. "Demetri found her. He's bringing her to Aro."

* * *

_**A/N: I'm so so so sorry for the delay. It took me some time to get organized with my new job and everything; but I should be able to update more often from now on.**_

_**I want to send big hugs to my amazing beta theotherbella who's really supportive and I love her.**_

_**And huge thanks to all of you readers and reviewers. You guys make me happy!**_

_**Please keep reviewing, it really means a lot to me :)**_


	14. Without you I'm nothing

**Chapter 13 – ****Without you I'm nothing**

**BPOV**

I'm tossing and turning in my bed, Edward's bed, desperately trying to fall asleep. I'm restless, uncomfortable; I know I won't find serenity considering the events of the past day. Running into Demetri, being invited to the Cullens' home was more than trying.

It's the middle of the night; the moon casts a dim light in the room, enough for me to discern my surroundings.

As I turn for the umpteenth time, I think I detect a silhouette standing next to the door, in the shadows. I blink several times, forcing my eyes to accommodate to the darkness enough to see more clearly. I inhale sharply as I realize that I'm not imagining this presence.

I only distinguish a fuzzy shape; I can't tell who it is. Carlisle or Esme would have knocked before coming in. It's probably not them. What would they be doing in my room anyway, immobile, watching me?

Suddenly the silhouette moves closer to me and I hold my breath. Perhaps Demetri found me; fear overcomes me and my heart accelerates. He takes another step forward and I finally see his face.

It's Edward.

I'm speechless, I can't move, torn between yelling at him for leaving and launching myself in his arms. The intensity of his gaze on me, even in the dark, has me completely hypnotized. I watch him as he carefully approaches, my breathing labored with anticipation, and he stops at the foot of the bed. He stands there, his eyes locked on mine, completely still.

I prop myself up on my elbows, waiting for him to move, to speak, to do anything. I can't explain his presence here; I can't make sense of it. I'm so captivated by him that I can't form a coherent thought.

He finally bends over and grabs the comforter and the sheets with both hands. He pulls them toward him, very slowly, his eyes boring into mine as he watches me hungrily. He lets the covers fall on the floor, leaving me exposed in my pale blue pajamas.

He climbs on the bed on his hands and knees, and crawls up to me, his dark crimson eyes lit with excitement. His posture is strong, dominant; he's hovering over me, controlling me. He's the predator, powerful, invincible; and I'm his prey, frail, helpless. I'm under his spell, surrendering to him completely, and willingly.

He slowly climbs on top of me, resting his hands on the bed on either side of my hips. He slightly parts my legs with his knees as he moves up my body. I lay back down, allowing him to position himself over me, his eyes aligned with mine. He carefully lowers himself on me, trapping me under the weight of his body. His hands fist in my hair as he's holding himself on his forearms; and he's staring into my eyes.

"Bella, I miss you," he whispers. His lips brush against mine as he presses his body to mine, and I instinctively spread my legs wider. I grab him by the waist and pull him closer to me; I want to feel him, all of him.

His lips travel from my mouth to my ear, leaving feather kisses on my jaw.

"Mine," he murmurs in a guttural voice as he licks his way down my throat.

I intend to turn my head to the side and give him better access to my neck, but I'm not as fast as he is. Before I can move, I feel his mouth open on my skin and his cold breath tickles my throat. Suddenly he forcefully grinds himself between my legs and his teeth violently sink into me.

I cry out, more from the shock than the pain, and I'm startled by my own scream. My heart is racing, I'm panting in my bed, clutching my throat, alone.

My first instinct is to look around, search for Edward. I frantically scan the room, until I realize it was only a dream. As that reality dawns on me, the loneliness settles back into my chest, compressing my heart. The tears leave my eyes and travel down to my jaw, leaving a trail of wet sorrow on my cheeks.

I take a deep breath and try to control the sad thoughts whirling in my mind. I feel alone, I miss Edward, terribly. I'm disappointed that his presence was only a mirage; I feel lost without the weight of his body on top of me. I'm dying to feel his mouth on my skin, his teeth biting my throat. I want him to take me.

I inhale and exhale slowly until my heart finally settles down. My mind knows leaving him was the right decision, but my body doesn't. I need to stop thinking about him and get back to my life. I can't be with him.

Staying in Carlisle's house isn't helping one bit. I'm surrounded by a situation that remind me of Edward. Even though he's never been here, I'm still in a house with two vampires, two members of his family.

I don't where they are right now. Maybe I'm disturbing them with my cries. I don't know whether they can hear me weep; whether they even sleep.

I lay in bed, only half-aware of the rambling of my own thoughts, until I fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later, exhausted. I walk to the bathroom to freshen up and notice a pile of clothes, neatly folded on the vanity. Esme must have left them for me while I was sleeping. Her attention warms me a little and I smile.

I hastily take a shower and head downstairs to the kitchen. I feel very ill at ease; I have no idea what I'm supposed to do in this house, or how many days I'm expected to remain hidden here.

As I'm about to walk in the kitchen, I overhear the conversation Esme and Carlisle are having. They're talking about Edward, undoubtedly.

"I don't agree with you, Carlisle. I lost him once; I won't risk going through that again. Can you please not say anything for now?"

I stand in the hallway, stunned by what I hear. I'm extremely curious to know that piece of information he has to keep secret, and I can only assume I'm the one he has to hide it from. I'm waiting for him to answer to Esme, hoping that it'll give me more clues on the topic of their conversation, but they stopped talking.

"Bella?" Carlisle calls out, and I flush.

I enter the kitchen sheepishly; they know I was eavesdropping and I'm mortified.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. You were talking and I didn't want to interrupt you," I explain meekly.

Esme offers me an affectionate smile as she grabs her jacket and her purse on the counter.

"Don't worry about it, dear. There's cereal for you on the table. I'm sorry I have to leave for work, but I'll see you tonight."

She winks at me and exits the room, kissing quickly Carlisle on her way out. I don't have time to respond, she's already gone.

I don't think I could have argued with her anyway.

"Esme considered making you pancakes, but I dissuaded her. She hasn't cooked in a very long time; I'm not sure you wanted to take the risk," Carlisle jokes lightly as he gestures for me to sit down at the table in front of the bowl of cereals.

I comply and he takes the seat in front of me, on the other side of the table.

"Bella, I want to be completely honest with you, there are things you need to know," he starts seriously.

"Alright. Tell me," I answer in the same tone.

"I spent the whole night trying to elucidate this situation. I possess some answers I can give you regarding Demetri; but we should clear another detail, first."

He's eyeing me cautiously, and I worry about his next words.

"Ok," I say tentatively.

"Bella, I need to ask you a question. Have you really made up your mind about Edward? Are you sure about leaving him?"

"I don't think I have a choice. So I guess I'm sure, yes," I mutter sadly. I've being repeating those words to myself over and over again; but uttering them out loud is even more painful.

"Bella, you already know too much about us, although I think I can trust you to keep this to yourself," he says softly, his tone faintly interrogating.

"Absolutely," I answer instantly. I would never reveal their existence to anyone, no matter the circumstances.

"However, since you've decided you don't want to be a part of Edward's life, I'm afraid I can't give you the whole explanation as to who Demetri is."

"But you can tell me something… anything," I protest. "What was he doing there? What did he want with Edward?"

"That's it, precisely. He wants Edward. To be more accurate, his boss, Aro, does."

He leans forward on his chair, as if preparing to divulge an important secret.

"Aro has a very crucial position amongst our kind; and he likes to surround himself with vampires with abilities, like Edward or Alice. He never went after Edward while he was with us, but he knew Edward had left after…" he pauses for a moment, his eyes cast down. "I had to negotiate with Aro so that Edward wouldn't be disciplined. Edward doesn't even know."

"Carlisle, after what? What would Edward have to be disciplined for?" I ask curiously. This is it, the very event that caused Edward to leave his family. I lean forward over the table, mimicking Carlisle's gesture a few moments ago. I'm wrapped in his story, tension knotting my stomach.

"For what happened nine years ago; the reason of our fight."

"Explain it to me."

"It's not my story to tell, Bella," he replies as he lifts his gaze back to mine. "Edward should be the one sharing his past with you."

"I'm not sure I'll ever talk to him again," I murmur, and it's my turn to look down.

"Then it doesn't matter, does it?"

"I guess not," I agree reluctantly. I need to get back on topic before my eyes start pricking again. "Do you think Demetri came to bring Edward to Aro?"

"That's what I believe."

"He doesn't want me, then. Why do I have to stay hidden?" I inquire surprisingly calmly as I start bubbling with hope and relief. If I'm not in any danger, I can return home.

Some part of me stings at the thought of leaving here, a place where I feel oddly safe.

"You know about what we are, Bella, and it's a transgression of the only rule we have to abide by. If Aro knew, he might want to make sure you're…quiet. Does Demetri know you're aware of our existence?"

"I'm not sure. He read Edward's journals and said he talked about me a lot in them. But I don't know what he wrote exactly."

"Alright," he concludes, but I sense there's something else in his mind; undoubtedly the one detail Esme asked him not to reveal to me.

"Carlisle, is there something you're not telling me?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, but given your decision, the less you know, the better," he confesses cryptically; and it reminds me of the enigmatic answers Edward used to give me when we first met.

"Do you know where Edward is?" I insist. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I need to know more.

"No, but Alice does. She wouldn't tell me; but I know she does."

"Do you think he's ok?"

"I'm sure he's fine."

We remain silent for several minutes before I speak again. I'm not sure whether this is a good idea, whether Edward would allow me to talk about it, but I can't keep my mouth shut.

"Carlisle, I think I should tell you something about Edward."

"I'm listening," he answers alertly. I clearly have his undivided attention.

"I know you have a very negative opinion of him," I start carefully. "Did you know he was only killing criminals?"

"Yes, Alice told me. But they're still human beings."

"I know. That was my exact reaction. But he cares, you know, about human lives. He's not thoughtless, he's not selfish. He's not evil. He's convinced he found the right balance between being a man and being a vampire, without needing to deny one or the other part of who he is."

"You're defending him, now. I thought he was unforgivable to you," he retorts incredulously.

"He is. What he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't realize it. It doesn't change anything for me. I can't be with him as long as…it's too much. But I thought you should know; maybe it redeems him a little in your eyes. He doesn't care about the lives he takes, but he cares a great deal about the ones he saves."

He's staring at me, probably pondering on my revelations; and his features ultimately relax.

"Thank you, Bella. I had no idea. I didn't know he actually cared."

He gives me a warm smile as he gets up from his chair.

"I have to leave for work. Make yourself at home. I left Esme's and my cell phone number on the counter, don't hesitate to call if you need something," he offers kindly.

"Thanks."

He grabs his car keys on the counter and moves toward the door. Before walking out, he stops and turns around.

"Bella, I know Alice wouldn't tell you the vision she had; but I hope it becomes true. I really do."

He exits the kitchen and I stay there, motionless as I hear the front door open and close, and his car speed out of their driveway.

I turn my key in the lock, step inside the house and close the door behind me. I'm home.

After one week at the Cullen's, I thought being in my house would feel comforting, safe. It doesn't.

I thought being away from anything that would remind of Edward would make it easier. It doesn't.

I was looking forward to be back at my place, away from the constant ache of Edward's absence.

As nice as the Cullens were to me, being with them only reminded me more of what I could have had with Edward. Every second I spent with them, every one of their little routines prompted a searing pain to shot through my heart.

I wanted to get away from their home, knowing it could never be mine. I needed to escape the reminder of what Edward isn't, knowing he would never change for me. I had to get away from the torturous void left by his absence, hoping it wouldn't feel that bad once I was home.

I was wrong. It's as painful. The only difference consists of not having to suffer the sight of what I could never have; but instead I have nothing at all. It's all empty; my house, my thoughts, my heart. All empty but the solitude creeping inside of me.

I still have no information on Edward's whereabouts. I don't think Carlisle did either. At least he claimed he didn't.

After so many days I thought, and secretly wished, that Edward would have contacted me. That he would have told me where he was; that he would want to know I was fine.

Apparently he doesn't. He left me, he left everyone.

Alice might be the exception. She's the only person Edward would have made contact with. Carlisle implied that even though she wouldn't say, she seemed to know his current location.

Ideas come whirling in my head; unwelcome hopes, wishes. I try to put them aside, protecting myself from disillusions. Perhaps Edward is with Alice, in Alaska. Perhaps that's the reason they all left, coincidentally at the same time Edward is nowhere to be found.

If he _is_ with them, it could mean that he asked for their help, that he's trying to change back to his former way of life.

I don't want to let myself believe this is true, the truth will only hurt more. Furthermore, it's absurd. Edward would have told me; he would have asked me to wait for him.

The words he wrote in his letter come back to me.

… _at peace with my choices in life…_

I'm fooling myself if I believe that he would agree to change his entire existence for me. He just left.

He abandoned me. I was left helpless and his father had to protect me.

I realize that I'm going to miss Carlisle and Esme, even though it hurt being with them. They have been a family for me for this past week. They took care of me.

I'm going to miss the maternal love radiating from Esme, and the late night conversations I had with Carlisle. He always found the right words to appease the pain, allowing me to let loose of all the sorrow.

Carlisle insisted that I stay a little longer, even though he was fairly certain Demetri had left town. But I couldn't.

I made my decision, and I know I made the most reasonable one. Now I have to live with it, survive through it.

I make my way upstairs and enter my bedroom. Everything is at the exact same place I left them a week ago before I left. I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.

My extreme loneliness reminds me that I don't even have Edward's handkerchief anymore. I imagine holding it close to me, smelling his intoxicating scent again, but quickly shake the idea out of my head.

I left his handkerchief in his room at the Cullens' house, as well as his sketchbooks. I meant to give them back to him from the start. He'll find them if he ever comes back to his family.

I don't possess anything from him that I could hold onto, something that could make him real, present somehow, except his letters. I refuse to read them again, though. It will only bring new tears, and I need to be stronger than that.

I try to close my eyes and I see Edward's face behind my eyelids. His beautiful, flawless face, his dazzling smile, his deep intense gaze. And the tears flow; I'm not that strong after all.

I let them roll down my temples and dampen my hair. I let the cries escape my throat freely, loudly. Nobody can hear me here, I'm alone.

I'm not strong. I miss Edward.

I come home after my first day back at work, after my fake hospitalization.

Surprisingly that excuse worked on Miss Charlotte. It appears that Carlisle is a better liar than Edward.

Even more surprising is Miss Charlotte's behavior towards me today. I was prepared to have to give her explanations, justifications for my absence, but she didn't ask for them. She left me alone for the most part of the day, and not once did she have a negative remark to make regarding my work. This is the closest I've ever seen her to being nice, especially to me. Though, I have no doubt that she'll be back to her old despising self in a couple of days at most.

I'm about to start making dinner when I hear a car park in my driveway.

I internally scold myself as my first thought goes directly to Edward.

I don't wait for the knock and open the door swiftly only to see Charlie on the other side.

"Hi, Bells," he greets me awkwardly.

"Hey, Dad. Come in."

"I can't stay long. I was here for work; I have to go back to Forks. Are you ok?" His voice is filled with concern.

"Yes; a little tired, maybe." He narrows his eyes at me and I turn to go back to the kitchen.

"Maybe I'm crazy, but I have the feeling that you've been avoiding me for a couple of weeks," he inquires. It isn't quite a statement, more a question, and I can't discern whether he's worried or upset at me for putting some distance between us. Because if I'm being honest, I have been avoiding him; and I'm not sure why.

"No, I haven't," I lie as casually as I can manage, hoping he won't see right through me.

"Is it because of Jacob, because he was there the last time you came?" He's visibly not ready to let this go; he clearly switched to cop-mode.

"No, I told you I was fine with the two of you spending time together. I'm the one who broke up with him; not you. I never expected you to stop talking to him."

I never expected it, but deep down I selfishly wanted him to.

Charlie shifts from one foot to the other, taking deep breaths and exhaling loudly. Something is bothering him, I know it.

"Dad, is there something you want to tell me?"

"Well, Bella, you know I don't like to intervene in your life, and we've never been too close; but I can tell when something is wrong. You never talk to me about things, and I don't want to push, but I know. I'm here if you ever want to talk, about anything."

I stand there speechless, dumbfounded. His sincerity almost makes me want to confess everything to him.

Almost. But how could I ever explain to him that the problem is me being attracted to a man who turned out to be a vampire. That his entire family is like him, actually; and that I had to stay hidden in their house for a week, because my life was possibly in danger. That I felt safer in this house full of damned creatures than I have ever been with my family or my friends.

"I'm here; just keep that in mind," he adds when I don't answer.

I bite the inside of my cheeks to keep the tears at bay. All it would take is a step forward and maybe I would have with him the connection that our relationship cruelly lacks.

One step, but I don't move; I can't. I don't want to.

I stay still, my feet firmly planted on the floor. He exits the kitchen with a small smile on his lips; and then the house, without saying another word.

I skip dinner, run upstairs and bury myself under the covers.

I spend another evening crying, another night dreaming about the one person I miss the most. It hurts so much to have lost him that it overshadows the pain of my failed relationship with my father.

I spend the next two weeks in the same state of daze, half-conscious.

I go through the days without any news from neither Edward nor Carlisle and Esme. My father called me a few days after his visit. He wanted to make sure I was really fine, giving me another opportunity to confide in him, and I lied. Even though his sudden interest in me is heartwarming, I don't have the strength to share with him this part of my life, nor do I want to. Somehow I don't care enough for that. He isn't the one I want to talk to. He isn't the one I want to hear from.

I vainly try to pretend I'm not miserable. I call Jessica, predominantly to make sure she isn't snooping around anymore concerning Edward. It worries me a little, now that I know the secret she could discover.

Her assistant tells me she's too occupied to talk. She doesn't call back.

Angela sent me an e-mail, but only to tell me that she was very busy and would try to call me sometime. I stare at it for half an hour, dreadfully trying to type a reply. The truth is I don't want her to call. She would hear the strain in my voice, the sobs threatening to burst. She would worry, futilely.

If only I could feel close to them again, like I used to, it wouldn't hurt so badly. But it isn't enough, and it isn't worth it. What I had with my father and my friends wasn't even remotely as deep and powerful as what I had with Edward. I don't miss them nearly as much as I miss Edward.

I unsuccessfully attempt to concentrate on work, the only occupation that still manages to get my mind off Edward for a few hours. Miss Charlotte is still uncharacteristically careful around me, as if she was trying not to upset me.

The usual malicious glint is back in her eyes this morning as I enter the store, and it stays there all day long.

I'm about to leave for the day when she approaches me, a vicious smile twisting her despising face.

"Miss Swan?"

"Yes, Miss Charlotte?" I sigh.

"Before you go, I'd like you to give me back your keys, please, as you won't need them anymore."

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask, confused.

"I'm afraid I have to fire you, Miss Swan," she declares triumphantly.

"What? Why?"

"I recall warning you several times about your attendance and your commitment to work. Your absence a few weeks ago proved once again that you're not reliable."

"It was two weeks ago. Why only now?" I'm exasperated; and since I'm fired, I don't have to hide it anymore.

"I had to find your replacement, of course. She's starting tomorrow," she adds proudly, her hand open in front of me, palm up, waiting for me to drop the keys.

I give them to her and turn around.

"Mail me my last paycheck, please, so I don't have to come back here," I snap as I exit the store, not bothering to look back at her.

Part of me is panicking. I don't have a job anymore. That's another thing I lost.

Another part of me is actually relieved that I won't have to work in this awful place anymore.

Again, losing my job doesn't seem to matter that much compared to the loss of my Edward.

I drive back home slowly, not in hurry to be alone again.

I approach my house in my usual state of half-awareness. Being in a constant state of daze simplifies my days; blocking out the reality also blocks out the pain.

I'm startled when I finally notice a dark blue BMW parked in my driveway. I don't know whose car it is, but I immediately recognize the man stepping out of it as I park next to it.

Demetri.

For a moment I hesitate and consider driving away as fast as I can. His car is much faster than mine, though, and he would catch up with me without difficulty. And if he wanted to hurt me, he would have probably hidden and surprised me. I think.

I slowly get out of my truck and he walks toward me, stopping only a few feet away.

"Bella, it's nice to see you again," he says with a big smile.

"What do you want?" I counter, my tone ice cold.

"Straight to the point? I like that. I'm here to give you a choice. But maybe we could discuss it in a more private place," he replies, glancing in direction of my front door.

"I'm not inviting you inside. Just don't talk so loud if you don't want the neighbors to hear you."

He laughs loudly as he steps closer to me, too close. He finally quiets down and starts whispering.

"As I was saying, I'm offering you a choice. More precisely, my boss is."

"What choice?"

"Bella, you know about us, and you shouldn't. The Cullens protected you, let you become aware of our existence, and they shouldn't have. Somehow, this situation has to be remedied."

I instinctively take a step back as I remember Carlisle's words: keep me …quiet.

Demetri laughs again and takes a step closer to me.

"Don't worry, I told you we're offering you the choice," he murmurs, visibly amused by my fear.

"What is this choice that you're giving me?"

"In this type of situations, the outcome is usually always the same. We don't want to risk being exposed. The person who shouldn't know is rendered inoffensive-"

"Quiet?" I interrupt, my voice surprisingly strong considering my state of nerves.

"Yes, but not necessarily in the way you assume," he continues, a strange glow lighting his eyes. "And the persons who shouldn't have spoken are punished for threatening the security of our entire kind. I think you can understand that."

"More or less. What is my choice?" I'm growing impatient and I'm pushing him; but if I have to die here, tonight, there's no need for theatrics.

"Instead of enforcing both of these measures, Aro, my boss, is willing to let you decide which one to apply," he announces excitedly, as if he was offering me the greatest gift in the world.

I'm not sure I understand the reasons of his enthusiasm.

"I have to choose between punishing Edward or letting you kill me?"

He laughs loudly again, and takes another step, effectively trapping me against my truck. He puts his hands on the hood behind me, on either side of me, and looks at me straight in the eyes.

"No, we're letting you choose between judging and ultimately condemning all the Cullens, or coming with us."

"Coming with you? What for? What are you going to do with me?" My voice isn't cool anymore, I'm terrorized. I'm certain following him might be worse than dying.

He keeps his eyes locked on mine and drops his voice to a low murmur.

"You have no idea how valuable you are, or could be."

His tone sends a shiver of fear down my spine, and it takes me a second to comprehend his revelation. They want me alive, which is a good thing. They want me instead of the Cullens, which is even better. I need to focus, to regain control of my emotions, and deal with this situation the best I can to spare the Cullens.

"Step away from me, please," I finally answer, my tone back to its original coldness.

"Ok," he concedes as he effectively pulls back. "You can trust us, Bella. I promise we won't go after the Cullens if you come with us."

He's looking at me, sincerely, but I can still discern malice in his eyes. I don't have a choice, though. He'll undoubtedly kill me if I refuse, no matter what he pretends, and he'll go after Carlisle, Esme, Alice. I have to try to prevent it; and it's not like I have something left here holding me back.

"Ok. Bring me to Aro," I surrender.

His face splits into a huge grin as he turns around to open the passenger door of his car for me.

"Can I at least take some of my stuff?" I ask. My stomach clenches at the thought of leaving without Edward's letters. I need to take them with me; I can't leave him behind completely.

"We'll provide you with everything you need." He answers sternly and I know I can't argue.

No words are exchanged during the long trip. He doesn't tell me where we're heading, and I keep quiet. I don't really care, now. Nothing really matters.

We drive to Seattle airport in silence. I'm surprised to see he has my passport; he must have searched through my belongings before I got back home. I hope he didn't find Edward's letters.

I wish I could read them, now. I wish I could see one last time his beautiful words written so elegantly. How I wish his words had been true.

Demetri already bought the tickets and leads me through the gate without even telling me where we're going. I fight to stay awake during the flight; I'm so exhausted when we finally land that I don't even see where we are. I barely register where he's leading me to. We get into another plane, and I fall asleep shortly after.

Now we're back in a car, speeding on tiny sinuous roads. We're in Italy, and I have no idea what we're doing here. Again, it doesn't matter now.

Demetri isn't talking to me, but the vicious smile never leaves his lips.

We arrive in a small town called Volterra. The sight is breathtaking. The town is circled by a huge brick wall, and all the houses look ancient, almost medieval. Demetri stops the car in a narrow alley, hidden in the shadow and asks me to get out of the car.

He leads me thought a door, in a corridor, and down several flights of stairs until we arrive in a large hallway. This place is like nothing I've ever seen before. It almost looks like a castle, but there's a peculiar vibe to it. I feel uncomfortable, out of place, and frankly worried.

Demetri finally opens massive wooden double doors, and I gasp as I take in what's waiting for me behind it.

A room full of vampires. I don't know why it surprises me; what else should I have expected? I never thought they would be so many, though.

Demetri puts his hand on my back and gently pushes me inside the room; then he disappears from my side, leaving me in the middle of the other vampires.

I'm petrified; my brain shuts down and I can't see, can't hear anything. I merely register being passed from one to the other as they look at me, put their hands on me, examine me. They all look disappointed that they're failing in whatever they're attempting on me. They're talking so fast, I don't understand a word they're uttering.

I'm startled out of my haze as the last one says my name.

"Bella?" He mutters as he clasps my hands in both his.

I look up to see a man with long dark hair, red burning eyes and a sweet smile on in face.

"I'm Aro. I think you've heard of me."

"Demetri told me your name. And that you were his boss," I answer hesitantly, not sure whether it's best for me to tell the truth.

"I guess that's one way to put it. I've seen what I wanted to see, I won't bother you any longer for now. Demetri will lead you to your room. We'll let you know when we need you…for the next part," he explains calmly.

"What next part? What will happen to me?" I ask a little too harshly, forgetting where I am and what I'm risking.

"I don't recall allowing you to ask questions. Do as you're told and you should be fine," he chastises. "Of course you and I might not have the same definition of 'fine'," he adds maliciously.

He turns around, effectively dismissing me, and Demetri is instantly by my side. He grabs me by the elbow and drags me out of the room by a different door.

I have no idea what I got myself into, or whether I was right to accept coming here. It was worth it if it means I could protect the Cullens, but I'm still scared for myself. I know I can't trust those vampires. I still have no clue what they want from me, why I would be valuable to them.

Everything is blurry, I feel sick. The bile is rising in my throat and I concentrate hard not to throw up. I keep my eyes on the ground as I walk, and try not to fall. We get into an elevator and I need to brace myself against the wall if I don't want to faint.

"If it makes you feel any better, it went perfectly," Demetri says joyfully as he turns to me.

"What?"

"You just gave Aro exactly what he wanted. But you should try to keep your mouth shut the next time. You wouldn't want to irritate him," he adds with a genuine smile.

"Are you trying to be nice to me?" I ask incredulously.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I have my own agenda," he answers as he leans closer to me; and his wicked grin is back.

I spend the next day locked in my room, prisoner. I can't get out, not that I would want to wander in the hallways, anyway. At least, no one is bothering me here.

The room is situated in a more modern part of the edifice, from what I could tell.

Just like Demetri said, they provided me with everything I need. The bed is comfortable, I have my own bathroom with a large choice of girl products; they gave me clothes that fit, and even books and a cd player.

The only thing I miss is my cell phone, but there's no one I would call, anyway.

I've been here for an entire day and no one explained to me what they're expecting from me, yet. I wait for hours, trying to ponder the many possibilities, the many different outcomes to this situation.

I must have dosed off at one point, because the sound of my door being unlocked startles me awake. I jump off the bed as Demetri opens the door, his face radiating excitement and anticipation, not necessarily in a positive way. The evil glint in his eyes terrifies me.

"Come with me," he simply orders.

I follow him obediently as he leads me through the corridors, until we arrive in a large room. It's empty, no one is there, and there's no furniture except for three big wooden chairs against the far wall. Demetri pushes me to one side of the room, away from the door.

I don't have time to ask what's going on as the door reopens only a few seconds later to let Aro and several other vampires enter. Aro sits in one of the chairs and two other vampires, their appearances extremely eerie, sit on either side of him.

The others stand by their side. Their eyes never leave me; they're observing me expectantly and I feel increasingly more scared.

"Bella, I think you remember everyone," Aro says, gesturing to the vampires in the room.

"Um…no, actually." I mumble, "I was…" I trail off as I realize I just ignored Demetri's advice.

"It must have been a bit overwhelming, I admit." Aro acknowledges. "Quickly then, here are Caius and Marcus," he says turning to those sitting next to him. "And there you have Felix, Jane and Alec," he adds, pointing to a tall, muscular man, a blond, petite girl and a young man who looks just like her. I vaguely recall seeing them yesterday, but I was far too frightened to remember clearly.

"Now, this isn't the usual way we do things here; but I thought it would be better for you if we kept things quieter, within a limited number of us."

I don't know whether I'm supposed to answer, and what I should say. Before I can find the answer, Aro lifts his hand, motioning for one un-introduced vampire to open the door he was guarding.

He obeys, easily pulling the massive wooden door, and I gasp as I see who is waiting behind it.

Carlisle enters confidently and immediately searches my eyes worriedly as he offers me a reassuring smile.

I feel slightly comforted and awfully grateful for his presence, even though I realize I failed miserably at protecting them.

The shock redoubles as I notice another person closely following behind Carlisle.

Edward.

I can't believe my own eyes; he's here, in front of me, unbelievably more entrancing than I remember. He's not looking at me, though; he's avoiding my gaze, purposefully. His eyes are cast down to the floor, his hands clenched into fists at his side and I can see his jaw twitching frantically.

I instinctively want to go to him, and as I start moving I feel Demetri's hand snake around my waist. He's holding me, his arm wrapped around me, pulling my back flush against his chest.

Before I can comprehend what triggers his reaction, a loud, threatening growl erupts from Edward's throat. My eyes are still locked on him as his head snaps up and he lifts his menacing glare in our direction.

I'm shaken by the sight in front of me. All the air leaves my lungs in a rush, I can't breathe. My knees are weak and I'm gripping Demetri's arm as he's supporting my weight.

Edward did it, for me. I can see it in his eyes, his golden-brown eyes.

My heart is pounding in my chest as every cell in my body is begging for me to run to him. I'm not close enough. I need him.

I'm vainly fighting against Demetri's grasp on me as Carlisle adopts a similar position on Edward. His father's restraining him as a low snarl resonates in his chest. His lips purse menacingly, his piercing stare never leaving me as I witness the glowing golden color of his eyes darken into a mesmerizing black.

I freeze when I notice the shift in his expression, and I recognize it. The same look I saw on his face the night I was attacked in that alley, the night he saved me. The night he fed.

His tongue darts out and slowly grazes his teeth, his disturbing gaze locked on me. I see the thirst in his eyes, taking control of him, overpowering him completely.

I impulsively step further back into Demetri's chest, using his arm as a shield as fear is crawling inside me.

Edward lets out another growl as he's fighting off Carlisle, trying to release from his grip. He's directed by his blood thirst. The man is gone, defeated and the beast is unleashed.

About one thing I'm absolutely positive: without Carlisle and Demetri between us, Edward would have killed me by now.

* * *

_**A/N: Again, I'm so so so so sorry for the massive delay, I promise I'll try to do better.**_

_**My job is taking me way more time and energy than I thought, and on top of that I had family stuff happening lately, it's been chaos!**_

_**And this chapter was really difficult to write, but I just couldn't write another chapter without B&E seeing each other again.**_

_**Next chapter will be EPOV, and we'll see if he's going to kill Bella or not ;)**_

_**Thank you so much for sticking with me, you guys are all awesome!**_

_**As usual, my beta theotherbella is amazing, but you already knew that, right?**_

_**Big hugs and kisses to blb1000 for being so supportive. Your pm was the highlight of my week ;)**_

_**Please please please review and tell me what you think!**_


	15. I'll be yours

**Chapter 14 – I'll be yours**

**EPOV**

I'm in my seat, surrounded by humans, dozens of them. Their smell barely registers in my mind as the worry for my Bella overshadows every other feeling or sensation I might experience.

I feel like I've been sitting on this plane for days, but it has been merely hours. We'll soon land in Italy, and all my muscles are already twitching in anticipation.

My body is immobile, like a statue, but inside I'm agitated, restless. My mind goes over the images I got from Alice's vision; Bella accepting to meet Aro and following Demetri. Why would she do that? She knew how dangerous those vampires could be. It doesn't make sense.

In the seat next to mine, Carlisle is trying his best to appear calm, but his thoughts are betraying him. He's blaming himself for what's happening to Bella, for not protecting her better. I wish I could blame it on him too, and be angry at him, but I can't. I'm the only one to blame, I should have never left her, I should have gone back after the first time she ran into Demetri. I left her unprotected, she wasn't Carlisle's responsibility.

I'm actually grateful that he insisted on coming with me. I was rather anxious at the thought of seeing him again when we all got back to Seattle. I expected him to be his usual judgmental self, scolding me for what he believed I had done wrong. Only this time he wasn't reproachful, even though I deserved it; he was supportive and understanding.

I never expected him to be so worried about Bella. He deeply cares about her; I should've known he would.

I relish his memories of them spending time together; seeing her through his affectionate eyes.

His nostalgic reminiscences of my Bella are tainted by the guilt he feels for failing at protecting her until I came back. He knew what I was attempting to do, that I was trying to change back to the person I was years ago; and he wishes he had kept her safe, for me.

"Carlisle, you shouldn't blame yourself. I'm the one who should have been there for her," I assure him, sincerely.

"What you were doing was far more important, Edward. And I should have been more careful," his words echo his thoughts in a strained voice.

We remain silent for a second, but this situation is driving me insane and I need to get the words out of my head.

"I don't understand. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would she agree to follow Demetri?"

"She did what she thought she had to do, I suppose," Carlisle answers weakly.

"If anything happens to her…" I trail off, shaking my head as I try not to envision the worst.

"Edward," he starts, dropping his voice to a whisper only I can hear, "I believe that if Aro wanted her dead, Demetri would have killed her in Port Angeles. But you know why he didn't, I assume?"

"Yes. He wanted me to come to Volterra. But it doesn't mean we won't find her dead when we arrive."

In the back of my head I know it's a possibility, but uttering the words out loud causes a searing pain to shot through my whole body. It can't be true, I can't lose her.

"I don't think so. Edward, you can't read her thoughts, and from what she told me, Demetri seemed to be unable to catch the essence of her mind, too. This means…" he starts, but he doesn't need to finish his sentence, I already know what he's going to say.

"…she could be an incredibly valuable asset to the Volturi Guard once she's turned." I continue. "Did you reveal that part to her?"

"No, I didn't elaborate into that many details, since she had decided she wanted to stay away from you," he explains carefully, worried that he might hurt my feelings. But I'm already fully aware of her decision to keep her distance from me.

"She must hate me for what I put her through," I murmur to myself, but I know Carlisle heard me.

"No, she doesn't. She's trying to convince herself that she'll be happier without you; but she doesn't truly believe it."

"How could you possibly know that?" I ask skeptically.

"She stayed with us for a week, Edward. I heard her weep and cry out your name in her sleep. Every night."

I ponder what he just said for a second, torn between the guilt of putting her through such pain and the joy that she's dreaming about me. She's thinking about me, perhaps she even misses me. Even though it doesn't change her decision, it still fills me with relief. I meant something to her; not enough, but something.

Suddenly it dawns on me that she spent the whole week with Carlisle, and he probably reinforced her choice to stay away. Somehow I understand his reasons, I'm not necessarily angry at him. I'm desperate, I need him to understand what she means to me.

"Please don't force me to live without her," I plead. "I can't live without her."

He doesn't answer right away and I try to listen to his train of thought to find the answer myself. Suddenly his mind becomes completely silent; there's nothing.

"You're hiding from me," I turn to him, interrogating.

"I might not have a special talent, Edward, but my mind is as powerful as yours," he retorts with a smirk.

We finally arrive in Volterra, and for the first time I'm glad my siblings are not here with me. This place is beyond eerie, something feels wrong, and I'm relieved to know they're safe, back in Seattle.

Plus, it'll certainly be difficult enough to escape from Aro's grasp as it is. He wants to get a hand on my ability specifically, for now; no need to bring Alice and Jasper in there, too.

I can hear the thoughts of a large number of vampires wandering in the city. They know we're here, but they don't seem to know our goal. Their careless thoughts are telling me exactly where I need to go.

Carlisle parks the car in a narrow alley before I can even tell him where. He hasn't been here for centuries but he remembers the exact path that will lead us to Aro.

"It hasn't change a bit in all theses decades. Follow me," he offers uncomfortably, and I walk behind him. Being in this place is clearly unnerving for him; I can tell he's almost ashamed to have belonged here at some point in his life. Even though it was several hundred years ago.

He leads me through a door, in a corridor and down several flights of stairs. We cross several vampires, every one of them letting us get further inside the edifice, no questions asked.

They knew we were coming, they were waiting for us. We were right to assume it was a trap, and they used Bella as bait to get me here. That realization is enraging me; but none of this would have happened if I had been there for her.

We finally arrive in a large hallway where we meet a petite, young girl. She's blond, and devilish; her name is Jane.

"Carlisle, Edward, nice to see you," she says stoically. "I already had the pleasure of meeting your…_singer_," she says disdainfully.

She's showing me her sadistic attempt to use her power on Bella and I lose my temper. I'm about to launch myself at her when Carlisle grabs my shoulder. His thoughts silently remind me how dangerous little Jane can be. She could defeat me with one look, and apparently tried on Bella, unsuccessfully.

I focus on the fact that Jane failed at what she tried to achieve, and Bella is safe and unhurt.

She motions for us to follow her and we comply, letting her lead the way through long corridors. We arrive in front of a massive wooden door just in time to witness the Volturi enter the room, not even glancing in our direction. They're closely followed by two young male vampires, and Jane joins them without another word to us; but I know we're supposed to wait here.

Carlisle and I take a step closer to the door and I see Bella, finally. Even though it's only through other people's mind, I see her face, her big brown eyes. I concentrate and I hear the faint thump of her heart, I catch the sweet smell of her blood.

Even at that distance and through that massive door, her scent is driving me completely insane, and I need to concentrate really hard not to burst through the door and attack her.

I know it will be even worse when I'll be in the room, with her only a few feet away from me. The prospect causes my mouth to fill with venom, and I clench my hands into fists, focusing on the sound of her frail voice as she mumbles some answer to Aro.

The door finally cracks open, and her smell invades my nostrils, fills my lungs and I fight for control.

"Carlisle, I think you're going to have to hold me back," I warn him, unsure of how strong I can be.

"Don't worry, I'm here," he answers as he steps into the room.

I walk in behind him, keeping my head down in my struggle.

I simultaneously see Carlisle's sight of Bella attempting to come to me, and hear Demetri's inappropriate thought as he snakes his arm around Bella's waist and pulls her flush against him.

I lose control.

I let a loud growl escape my throat and lift my gaze to them.

She's here, I front of me, finally. My internal battle is lost; I'm defeated by the sweet pink color of her skin, the pounding artery in her throat, the shallow breaths escaping her wet lips.

I want to grab her. I want to kiss her. I want to drink her.

As the beast inside of me is set free by her delicious smell, I barely register Carlisle's grip on me. He's holding me back from attacking her and devouring her. I'm fighting against his strong hold.

Bella takes a step back, her blood smelling fear, somehow exciting me even more. The other side of me, the possessive one, re-emerges as I notice Demetri hold her closer to him and bury his nose in her hair. He inhales deeply, his twisted stare never leaving mine as he envisions her as a vampire, as his mate.

I completely lose my restraint and loud growls erupt from my chest.

"Mine. She's mine."

"Edward, calm down." I vaguely hear Carlisle say, but the animal in me is too hard to contain. I need to take her back from Demetri. I need to take her.

"She's mine. Get your hands off her!"

Demetri's smile widens as images of Bella swirl in his head; he's picturing his hands on her, his lips on her, his teeth. I'm losing my mind; I'm going to rip his head off.

"Don't even think about it, Demetri. She's mine. If you touch her, I'll –" I start but before I can finish my sentence, I see Bella shake off Demetri's hold and take a step away from him in my direction. Her eyes are locked on mine and I see her lips move, but there's no sound.

I'm hanging on her lips, waiting for her to speak to me. I want to hear her voice, even though fear is compressing my chest; fear that she might reject me again.

She speaks and this time I hear it.

"Please, stop."

She's looking at me with pleading eyes, and my heart sinks. I don't understand what she's asking me. Does she want me to stop fighting for her? Has she really given up on me, on us?

"Well, well, well, look at that," Aro mocks. "Two words from her and the beast is tamed."

Without tearing my gaze away from her, I realize that everyone in the room is staring at us, and that I have in fact stopped fighting against Carlisle's grip.

My thirst for her, as debilitating as it might be, is only secondary compared to the possibility of losing her to someone else, especially someone like Demetri.

She's still looking into my eyes, waiting, searching. The loud thump of her heart is deafening, and I'm lost in the depth of her chocolate-brown stare.

"Bella…" I sigh.

"You should stay back," Carlisle advises. "For now."

As much as I hate it, he's probably right. Her scent is too enticing, and the rhythmic sound of her blood flowing in her veins is driving me mad.

"Alright, this situation is highly entertaining; but I'd like to have your attention, please," Aro orders. "We have a problem that needs to be remedied."

Bella turns her head to him, breaking contact with me and I cringe. I reluctantly look at Aro, and Carlisle releases me. He keeps his position between Bella and me, even though she's standing several feet away.

"Aro, may I ask – " Carlisle starts politely, but he's interrupted by Aro.

"No, you may not ask anything, Carlisle. You were once considered one of ours; but today you're as guilty as Edward. I will state your crimes, only then shall you attempt to defend yourself."

His voice is strict, he speaks with authority; and even Carlisle doesn't dare contradict him or retort. I'm scared, for me, for Carlisle, but mostly for Bella. I would be willing to die, if it could save her life; hoping it won't come to that.

I'm not sure how Alice could predict that everything would be fine, seeing the current vibe in this room. I can't help but doubt, even though I want to trust her, today more than ever.

Aro walks back to his chair and sits down between Marcus and Caius, who have remained silent since we entered, just as the other vampires present.

"Your faults are the following: Edward, you failed to protect your own kind by allowing a human to become aware of our existence. Carlisle, you and the other members of your coven also broke that rule by inviting said human into your home, initiating her to our mode of survival, divulging to her details that she should have never known."

He pauses for a moment, for no apparent reason except putting on a show. He's enjoying this, way too much.

"Now, we can all guess what Edward's motivations were; but I'm curious to know what were yours, Carlisle."

"Aro, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to explain our point of view. Although I'm not sure what you would have expected me to do with her. Should have I killed her? You know I refuse to commit such an act."

"You'd rather have the existence of our entire kind put at risk, than hurt one little human. How odd."

"The differences in our philosophies regarding humans have existed for centuries, and they'll always remain. To be honest, I don't see the point of such drastic measures. This one little human, as you called her, wouldn't be enough to threaten the security of our kind. Even if she had talked, which she didn't, she would only have been labeled as crazy, and institutionalized. Nothing to worry about, really," Carlisle asserts nonchalantly.

As he's trying his best to diffuse the situation, anger is building inside of me. I can't bear the words coming out of his mouth, the way he talks about Bella; as if she wasn't here, as if she was nothing, insignificant.

I stay focused on her breathing, trying to decipher her feelings, her state of mind from the indications her body is giving me. I'm so entirely focused on her, I don't even bother listening to anyone's thoughts.

I should have. Before he speaks again, Aro's mind produces a clear vision of a conversation he had with Carlisle. A conversation I knew nothing about, regarding a situation that Bella knows nothing about.

I chance a glance in her direction, waiting for her reaction as Aro is about to give her another reason to reject me.

"Your reasoning isn't lacking sense, Carlisle; and in other circumstances I might have been inclined to agree with you. But need I remind you that this isn't the first time you and I have to deal with a similar predicament?"

I'm stunned; all the rage has subsided and confusion took over. I'm trying to make sense of his words; those spoken aloud and those silent trapped in his mind. I'm evidently missing a piece of the puzzle and I can't put it back together.

It regards the incident nine years ago, of that I'm sure; but in what capacity was Aro involved?

I feel slightly betrayed that Carlisle divulged our dispute to Aro, and that I was never made aware of it.

A part of me is petrified to have this event disclosed in front of Bella. She'll hate even more because of it. But some other part of me is curious to discover how Aro became aware of the incident, and what their discussion entailed.

That part wins, and I have to know the extent of Aro's involvement. I don't want to wait for his thoughts to inadvertently reveal the secret, though.

"What are you talking about?" I ask harshly, taking the risk to infuriate Aro, and expose my chaotic past to Bella.

"You know exactly what I'm referring to, Edward. But she doesn't seem to," Aro points out, turning his head to Bella.

I look at her and she's staring back at me, her brows furrowed, her eyes silently questioning.

"Apparently, you _are_ capable of keeping secrets. You just need to have your priorities set straight," Aro snickers. "Carlisle, will you do us the pleasure of elucidating the situation for them, or shall I?"

"Aro, your amusement over this is quite inappropriate," Carlisle reprimands.

"Maybe you're right. But the poor child is risking her life, here," he says motioning to Bella. "She should know what she's risking it for."

Suddenly his tone is no longer amused. He isn't asking, he's waiting for Carlisle to explain.

Carlisle's deliberating on how to relate the story in the best manner, but he thinks it over a second too long. Aro starts speaking again.

"Bella," he starts seriously as he shifts in his chair to face her, "you apparently ignore it, but you aren't the first young woman Edward has tried to turn into an undying companion."

His voice is feigning concern and unease; but the wicked glint in his eyes betrays his evil delight.

"Aro!" Both Carlisle and I yell at the same time; but it's too late. I already see the change in Bella's stance, and the glistening in her eyes as tears are forming.

"What?" She whispers in a weak voice.

"Unfortunately," he continues, ignoring us completely, "the last time didn't go as Edward had planned, and we were compassionate enough to overlook the incident, out of friendship for Carlisle."

"Aro, please," Carlisle begs.

I'm utterly lost in these new revelations. I always thought Carlisle hated me for what happened back then; and I hated him for not trying to understand. I had no idea Aro knew about the event, and that Carlisle pleaded on my behalf.

It changes everything. What I thought to be the truth was in fact a misconception I create in my mind. I was wrong about the course of these events, I was wrong about him; regarding this specific incident at least.

I'm so shocked by that realization that I get lost in my reflection. I'm brought back to reality by the strained voice of my Bella.

"Edward, what…how…" she mumbles sadly, her eyes cast down, visibly trying to keep the tears from rolling down her cheeks.

I'm one step closer to losing her and I panic.

"Bella, please look at me. Let me explain," I reply hastily, hesitantly moving closer to her.

"Did you kill her?" She snaps.

"What?" I freeze. Once again she manages to say the one thing I was least expecting. And I painfully realize that she truly thinks I'm a monster.

"He said it didn't go as planned. Did you kill her while you were turning her?" She reiterates her question, her ice-cold tone piercing my heart.

"No, it went wrong before we got to that part. Bella, I promise – " I mutter pitifully.

"What am I compared to her?" She's angry, hurt, but her strength is faltering. Her voice is cracking and tears are escaping her sad eyes.

I made her cry. Again.

"You're everything she wasn't. You're everything to me, Bella."

"I don't –" she starts, shaking her head slightly, but I don't let her finish. I need her to understand.

"What am I compared to Jacob?" I retort, causing her eyes to shoot daggers at me.

"It's not the same thing! How can you even make that comparison? How dare you – " She's raising her voice, frantically wiping the tears on her face with the back of her hands.

Seeing her like this reminds me of the first time she got angry at me. It still has the same effect on me; she's mesmerizing, dangerously so.

"Bella, please calm down."

"No, it's not that easy, Edward. You –" She screams at me, but I cut her off.

"Bella!" I yell. "I understand that you're upset with me right now; but your heart rate is accelerating, your temperature is rising, I can hear your blood pulsing through your veins, I can smell its warmth…and you're in a room full of vampires."

"Oh."

"Yes. And I won't hesitate to bite you myself just to keep you away from their teeth. The truth is, I really, _really_ want to bite you at this moment."

"Oh," she says again, and I think I discern a smirk lifting the corner of her mouth.

"I'm truly astonished by their relationship," Aro exclaims in amazement.

"Aro," Caius sighs, visibly exasperated. "I think everyone is aware of the faults that were committed. It's time to decide of the repercussions."

"Fine. Here's my decision." Aro states stoically as he gets up from his chair and walks closer to us.

This is the moment I've been dreading. I wish I could hear Aro's thoughts, but he's too talented at keeping them hidden from me. I'm scared of what will happen next, of what they'll demand from us. I'm frightened to see Bella hurt, or even taken away from me. I'm worried for Carlisle and the rest of my family; they protected her for me.

"Carlisle," Aro declares, "you can go back to your coven, but it's the last chance I'm giving you. Living amongst human, like humans, doesn't mean you can let them see what we are. A human, any human, can't and won't be allowed to walk freely with the knowledge of our existence."

Carlisle remains motionless, waiting, like me, to see what he has planned for Bella.

Without removing his gaze from us, Aro continues.

"Bella shall consequently stay with us, with the likely prospect to be turned when we will judge suitable."

"What? No!" I yell.

"We're not completely heartless, Edward," he replies before I can say anything else. "You shall remain in Volterra with Bella. You will have nonetheless to submit yourself to our way of life."

I'm not even surprised by his decision; he had planned this all along.

Perhaps I should be worried about it; I would be, if I couldn't hear Carlisle response in his head, ready to be exposed.

What's essentially annoying me is the low snarl resonating in Demetri's chest, and the thoughts of Bella invading his mind. He's actually so pathetic that I can't help but smirk.

"You didn't think you could have her for yourself, did you?" I tease, and he's livid.

Aro chuckles and his face lights up.

"I'm happy to see that my decision seems to be well received."

I don't bother responding that it is, in fact, not. Carlisle has everything planned out.

"Aro, I might want to add something," he begins smugly. "I think certain details have been overlooked in your decision making process."

"And what details would that be?"

"The only reason I invited Bella into my home is because she was scared of Demetri. If you hadn't sent him to Seattle, she would have never come to me. _You_ created this situation. Demetri told her about you; I never did. _You_ brought her to Volterra, she ignored the existence of such a place before you forced her to come here."

"What are you implying, Carlisle? Don't try to blame me for your protégé's mistake," he warns.

"I'm not. I'm only implying that some secrets could have remained concealed if it weren't for you. Somehow you're guilty for a part of it. And I'm sure you wouldn't want to be unfair with us."

The two men are staring arrogantly at each other, trying to find a breach in their respective argumentation.

"You know me too well, my friend." Aro finally concedes. "What is your proposition, then? Because I assume you have one."

"Let us go," Carlisle replies instantly.

"You _can_ go, Carlisle."

"With Edward."

"He should be grateful I'm allowing him to stay with her," he counters in mock offense.

"We both know this isn't the truth, Aro. And just so we're clear, I'm not leaving without Bella."

My eyes are never leaving Bella and she's looking back at me; both of us waiting for the verdict and hoping for the best.

Both men are growing impatient and annoyed.

"What is she to you?" Aro snaps at Carlisle.

"For now, she's just a friend."

"For now?" He asks curiously.

"For now."

"Has she agreed to become a member of your coven?"

"We haven't discussed it yet."

Bella and I are lost in each other's gaze, our eyes locked, and I can't look away from her. Thinking of her, with me, for eternity is the most exciting prospect. I wish she would give me a sign, anything, to tell me she agrees, that she wants to be with me. I wasn't sure of her desires when we arrived; but after Aro's revelations it's even more uncertain.

I'm so captivated by her eyes that I barely register Aro's stare on me, and the malicious plan forming in his mind. I understand too late, he's already speaking.

"If you say that she's meant to become one of ours, Carlisle, I think I can trust your word. And if I understand this correctly, what you're asking is that we let the three of you leave freely, without any measures taken or repercussions of any kind."

"Unacceptable!" Caius yells.

"Calm down, Caius. I never said I would comply with that demand. Bella, give me your hand," Aro asks sweetly, smiling at her as he walks towards her.

He holds his hand out to her, and I cringe, wandering what will happen when he touches her. This is his ability, he can hear people's thoughts when he gets in contact with their skin. Will she be silent to him, too?

I'm torn. If he hears her thoughts, I'll hear them too, through him. But on the other hand, jealousy is creeping inside of me. If I can't hear her, I don't want him to have that chance.

I'm concentrating on Aro's thoughts, trying to listen to what he has in his mind. I can tell from the look in his eyes he's preparing something, and I know I won't like it. He's blocking me out, though; I can't distinguish anything.

She turns her head to Carlisle, silently asking him if she should obey, and he answers by a simple nod. I feel rage build up again inside of me as Aro takes Bella's hand in his own. The relief that he doesn't seem to hear her mind is overshadowed by the anger to see him lift her hand to his lips. A low growl escapes my throat when his mouth brushes against her porcelain skin.

Suddenly he turns her hand palm up, and I finally understand his intention, now that I witness his lips travel to the inside of her wrist.

Before I can move, Felix's imposing frame is behind me, his strong arms encircling my chest, trapping my arms at my sides. I try to fight him off but I can't move. Bella's vainly attempting to pull her arm back, but Aro's holding her tightly. I'm fuming with rage, and so is Carlisle next to me.

"Aro, what are you doing? This is outrageous!" He shouts.

"I'm sorry but I must confess that I'm intrigued." Aro explains devilishly. "She must be very special to create such a mess; and I want to taste just how special she is. Don't worry, I have no intention of turning her; I assume Edward will want to do that himself. It's understandable."

"I won't let you touch her!" I growl as I try to escape from Felix' arms.

"You're not in any position to _let _me do anything. Do I need to remind you where you are and who you're talking to? I'm kind enough to agree to settle this situation with little to no repercussions for you, and you have the nerves to refuse me this tiny detail. I'm truly offended. Maybe she will more comprehensive. Bella, I'm leaving you the choice again, and you did so well the last time. Let me get a taste and you can go."

"Aro, you don't have the right – " Carlisle yells again.

"I have every right!" Aro retorts, before he turns his expectant gaze back to my angel. "Bella?"

"Carlisle, please do something," I beg, and his thoughts answer me.

"_There's nothing I can do. We're outnumbered, and Aro is waiting for us to make the wrong move, just so that he has a valuable reason to incriminate us."_

"I can't let her…" I trail off as Felix tightens his hold on me.

"_I'm sorry, Edward._"

"Don't worry, Bella. It won't hurt," Aro assures her in a sickly sweet voice as she still isn't complying. "You don't need to be scared."

"I'm not…it's not that," she mutters.

"What is it, then?"

"You can't," she answers in a firm voice, shocking everyone in the room. She boldly denied Aro; nobody ever dares.

"I can't? And may I ask why?" Luckily, he doesn't seem upset, but rather amused by her sudden confidence.

"My blood…it belongs to Edward."

"Amazing…" Aro chuckles.

"He's the only one who can take that part of me. My heart is beating for him. I'm his singer; my blood is flowing in my veins for him, calling to him."

Aro is eyeing her incredulously, his eyes wide open. His hand holding her wrist slowly drops as he's listening to her. I can't hear his thoughts, I don't even listen to him or anyone else in this room, except her.

Her sweet voice uttering those words about her blood, about being mine is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. Venom is filling my mouth as the beast inside of me demands that I take what's mine.

"My blood is boiling, begging for him to take it," she continues. Her voice is sultry, tantalizing. She turns her head to look at me and our eyes lock as she stares at me from under her lashes.

She doesn't realize the effect she has on me. I've never wanted her as much as I want her now. I'm about to lose control. I'm fighting for dominance; over Felix's grip, and over the beast that wants her blood.

And she doesn't stop talking.

"Edward is the only one who can drink it."

I want to take her, but I don't want to hurt her. I'm trying to restrain myself, until Carlisle screams his thought to me in his head.

_She's calling for you, Edward. She's giving you permission._

"He's the only one who can leave his mark on me."

This is too much, I can't hold back anymore. I don't want to, and she doesn't seem to want me to, either.

In a loud growl, I break free from Felix's grasp and in a split second I move Bella away from Aro. We're isolated in the middle of the room. I'm holding her body close to mine, her feet barely touching the ground, one arm around her frail waist.

My other hand is fisting in her hair, pulling her head back to expose her neck to me. She's holding on to my shoulders, bringing me closer. She's surrendering to me, offering herself to me.

My mouth is on her throat and I feel her vein pulse through her skin against my lips. All I have to do is open my mouth, sink my teeth in her, slowly, and drink the blood she's offering me so willingly.

I'm completely hypnotized by the sound of her blood rushing through her veins; everyone has disappeared around us. It's only her and me.

Her heart is pounding so hard, so fast. I can feel it hammer against my chest, and it resonates in my ribcage.

It's the strangest sensation, I haven't felt the beating of a heart in my chest for decades, but somehow I recognize the feeling.

I press her body closer to mine, relishing the sensation I've been deprived of for so long. I could almost believe that my heart is actually beating. I feel alive; I feel like… a man.

The emotion is overwhelming, and my priorities shift. Biting her is no longer my most prominent need; her blood is no longer her most appealing quality.

Without loosening my hold on her, I ghost my lips up her throat, her jaw, slowly, until they brush against her lips.

Her mouth slightly opens and she gasps. I can't hold back the grunt elicited by her sweet breath blowing against my lips, and she opens her eyes, looking into mine.

I'm drowning in her brown gaze; she's beautiful. Finally I get to say the words that have been burning my lips for days.

"Bella," I whisper softly against her lips. "I love you."

Her heart skips a few beats in its frantic race, and her eyes flutter close for only a moment.

"I love you, too," she says as she opens them again.

The world stops, I'm in heaven. I've been wandering aimlessly for a century, and those three words pronounced by her made me the happiest creature that ever existed.

I slowly graze her lips with mine, enjoying the rise in her temperature as her breathing becomes labored.

I keep her body tightly against mine, as tightly as I can without crushing her, and gently press my lips to hers. The touch elicits an electric current to course through my entire body and I feel the same tremor run through hers as she digs her fingertips in my shoulders. Her lips are soft, warm; I get lost in a blissful daze.

The feeling of Bella's lips on mine, combined with her scent intoxicating me and the sound of her heartbeat ringing in my ears… I've never felt anything so intense; every part of my being is blazing.

She's pushing her body against mine, and I want to bring her even closer. Her lips part slightly, dangerously unaware of my efforts not to devour her, and she draws my bottom lip in between hers. I can't hold back the groan rumbling in my chest, causing her to shiver in my arms.

More. I want more of her. I want to feel her tongue, I want to taste her skin, every inch of her.

The taste of her lips is heavenly luscious, more than the smell of her blood. My throat is burning; the thirst for her is unbearable, yet less tempting than the softness of her kiss.

Our lips move together, slowly, languidly, the ardor of my desire for her scorching me from the inside, and I'm turning into a pile of ashes.

Her hands travel from my shoulders to my hair, entwining her fingers in it. She's pulling me closer and I have to gather the remnants of my self-control not to be too rough with her.

She's pulling at my hair and I'm gripping hers. She deepens the kiss, letting it become more urgent. She's losing herself in it completely, threatening to break down my frail barriers.

I hold on to my last shred of control and reluctantly break the spell when I notice her breathing has stopped.

"Breathe," I whisper against her skin, and she inhales a lungful of air.

We're brought back to reality by Aro exasperatedly clearing his throat.

"Well, this is…interesting. Unexpected, but quite lovely to be honest," he addresses us with a smile. "I'm afraid we still have a problem to solve, though."

"Aro," Carlisle interrupts, "I don't think we need to discuss this any further. We already agreed that you were responsible for a part of Bella's knowledge. We all know why you brought her here, what you want from her and Edward."

"You should watch your tone, Carlisle."

"I'm not being disrespectful, Aro. I'm only stating facts. I think she came here on her own will; she was never your prisoner. It's only fair to let her walk out freely, don't you think?"

Carlisle is looking at Aro expectantly, daring him to object.

"She isn't our prisoner, you're right. But Edward has committed an error, for the second time. I can't overlook those mistakes every time they occur."

"She hasn't talked to anyone; and she will eventually be his mate. No harm was done, any punishment would be undeserved."

Aro stares at Carlisle for a long moment, clearly trying to find a good reason to keep us here, but he has none.

"You can think about this all you want, Aro, you know I'm right. Just because you chose to hold this meeting with almost no witnesses doesn't mean the word won't spread. You wouldn't want your loyal subjects to doubt your sense of justice, would you?" Carlisle teases him dangerously.

"Are you threatening me?"

"I would never dare. Again, I'm only stating facts."

"Maybe I can ask my loyal companions what their opinion is," Aro counters, desperately holding on to his last resort.

"I can tell you that already, Aro," I interject. He's trying to stall, and I want to leave as quickly as possible. I want to bring Bella out of her, back to my place, safe.

"Marcus doesn't care about your personal agenda." I begin without giving Aro a chance to respond. "He envies our love and misses his lost mate. Caius lost interest in this quite some time ago. He thinks there are a lot of other gifted vampires you could go after. Alec wants to see me in pain, Jane fears that Bella would be more powerful than her and become your favorite. Felix doesn't think that much and Demetri is pathetically delusional about _my_ Bella," I finish, seething the last word at Demetri.

I was prepared to have Aro's wrath unleashed on me as I pointed out the lack of loyalty in his companions. Instead, he stares at me with wide eyes and bursts out laughing.

"Your depiction of them is absolutely spot on, Edward. Fine, I admit it, my evil plan failed miserably. Can you blame me, though? We are evil after all."

"Some of us more than others, Aro," Carlisle jokes lightly.

I almost can't believe what I'm hearing. In less than an hour, we went from being punished for breaking the ultimate rule, to laughing about this. Being immortal for so long surely alters your perception of the importance of a lifetime.

"Can we go, then?" Carlisle asks carefully, knowing very well that Aro could change his mind once again.

"I'm afraid I have no other choice but to let you leave," he says as he holds out his hand for Carlisle to shake. "Goodbye my friend."

The three of us make our way to the door, but he calls back to us.

"Bella, Edward, you're welcome to visit anytime you want. And…we'll be watching you," he adds, and I feel Bella shudder beside me. There's no doubt about it, he _is_ evil.

Both Carlisle and I nod, knowing that he'll try again to enroll us in his guard.

I keep my arm wrapped around Bella and we walk out of the room, out of the building, out of this city without looking back.

* * *

**_A/N: I updated faster this time, and it's all because of you guys. I didn't want to make you wait too long, because you're so suportive and awesome!_**

**_Huge thanks to theotherbella for being so patient with me: I rewrote an entire part of this chapter and she had to beta it twice :/_**

**_So, are you happy B&E finally saw each other again? What did you think? _**

**_Also, I'm thinking about writing another story (but I'm still going to finish this one, don't worry) I've been thinking about it for some time and I have to get it out of my head. Something very differnt, lighter...Would you guys follow me?_**

**__****Keep the reviews coming! I love them, a**nd the more you tell me what you think, the faster I write ;)

**_And you can follow me on twitter, DdreamingFairy, if you want teasers ;)_**


	16. Mad about you

**Chapter 15 – Mad about you**

**BPOV**

My eyes are still closed.

I faintly hear raindrops beating softly against the window. I turn onto my back and stretch under the covers, slowly waking up.

I'm in my bed, and memories of the previous days are slowly coming back to me. Demetri, the Volturi, Edward.

I clearly remember Edward bringing me back to my house after we left Italy. He stayed with me and took care of me. He held me close as I was falling asleep, comforted by the feel of his arms around me.

I swiftly sit up in my bed and frantically scan the room; he isn't here.

A wave of panic washes over me as I realize I had probably been dreaming. I had dreamt about him every night since the day I first saw him, last night was probably no different.

Yet it felt so real; his stare, his word… his kiss.

No, it isn't possible, it wasn't a dream; it can't be.

I know my mind didn't create this, I didn't imagine it; it _was _real. But now that I'm back home safe, he left again.

A million possible explanation to his absence rush in my head, and I can't make sense of any of it. My mind can't process anything. He should be here, yet he isn't.

Before I can attempt to calm down and think coherently, my legs are already taking me out of bed and down the stairs. I need him to come back.

Without thinking I yank my front door open, run outside and stop in the middle of my driveway. I stand there in the rain and start screaming Edward's name, as loud as I can, foolishly hoping he isn't too far away and he can still hear me calling him.

I scream once, my voice panicked and I'm trembling.

_Please Edward, hear me._

I scream twice, even louder. Small drops of the misty rain are dripping from my hair down my face, mingling with tears. I'm shaking.

I take a deep breath, readying myself to scream again, to scream until he hears me. Suddenly, all the air leaves my lungs in a silent whoosh as I'm violently pushed backwards, my whole body crushed against a block of granite. My eyes close instinctively, my feet not touching the ground. The wind and rain are whipping my back and my hair is swirling around my face.

In a split second, I'm back inside the house, slammed against the wall as the door shuts in a loud bang.

It takes me a second to comprehend what just happened. I'm pressed against the wall in my hallway, trapped by the marble figure. I don't need to open my eyes to recognize him, his smell, and the low rumble resonating in his chest.

Edward.

I keep my eyes closed another few moments to enjoy the sensations caused by our position. His body is pressed against mine, pushing my back against the wall. One of his legs is positioned between mine as his right hand rests on my hip. His nose is buried in my hair right above my ear, mine brushing against his torso.

I reach up to his waist without thinking and pull him closer, inhaling deeply the addicting smell of him that I've missed so much.

"Bella, what were you doing out there?" he asks hesitantly, and I can sense the restraint in his voice.

"Am I dreaming?" I answer meekly, slowly opening my eyes to look into his. "I thought I had been dreaming. Or that perhaps you had left again."

I lift my head up as he turns his and we're nose to nose. His eyes are almost black, like every time he's thirsty, but I can still discern hints of the golden color in them.

I see the constant struggle in his stare, as usual, but there's something else; curiosity, amusement, maybe.

"Bella, what were you doing out there," he starts again, "in the rain, screaming my name…half-naked?"

His words slowly sink in. I remember I went to bed last night with the tank top and boy shorts I had underneath my clothes, not bothering to search my room to find my pajamas. I climbed in bed and under the covers wearing that few clothes before Edward joined me in my room and sat next to me on the bed.

And I jolted out of bed and stormed out of the house without anything else on.

I look down at myself only to realize that I am in fact half naked and dripping wet from the rain. I blush, I'm beyond embarrassed, and there isn't much I can answer to his question.

"I was calling you," I mutter as I lift my eyes back to his.

The corner of his mouth twitches, and while leaving his left forearm on the wall next to my head, his fingers come brushing my hair affectionately.

"You were calling me…in your underwear?"

He's teasing me, his eyes sparkling, and his hand moves from my hip to my waist. His fingers slide under the fabric of my tank top, setting my skin on fire. I feel like I'm burning up and I can't keep my breathing even.

"I didn't…I thought…" I mumble inarticulately. I'm completely melting under his touch.

"You do realize that you have my phone number, don't you?" He's shamelessly making fun of me, and I'm so entranced by him, I'm not even mad.

"I do?"

"Yes, I entered it in your cell phone while you were sleeping." His voice is low and gravelly, each sound sending a shiver down my spine. "Not that I mind seeing you in your underwear; but I wish your neighbors weren't granted the same favor," he adds with a smirk.

His hand slowly moves, grazing my skin. His fingertips reach further up, tracing my ribs, and I'm combusting.

"Bella, did you really think me coming back for you was only a dream?" he asks, his tone now serious.

I heard his question, somewhere far in the back of my mind, but I can't think clearly. Not when I'm so close to him; not when his cool hand is caressing my bare skin.

"Bella?" he asks again when I don't answer, and the amusement is clearly back in his voice.

"Mmhmm?" I half- moan, making him chuckle.

"Here I am, struggling to retain some sort of self-control, and you... Are you at least _trying_?"

"It's a lost cause," I whisper from the confines of my bliss. "I'm surrendering."

"That, you are," he whispers back, and his playfulness has been replaced by hunger.

His fingers travel back down and leave my skin as his hand rests on the wall next to my waist. I whimper at the loss of contact and he smiles again.

"You should get dressed. You're soaking wet, you're going to be cold," he advises halfheartedly.

I want to tell him I don't care. I want to lock my arms around his waist to hold him there, his body against mine. But I know it wouldn't be wise.

"Ok," I agree, reluctantly.

He pushes off the wall to let me go. I take one step before I stop and turn around to face him again.

"It was real, wasn't it?"

"What was?"

"The Volturi, you, your words, your kiss…"

"Yes, it was true," he answers, his eyes boring into mine. I notice his own choice of word. What happened was real, but what he said was true. He loves me.

I don't even know how creatures that are considered evil could be capable of being in love. Yet I know it's the truth, I can feel it.

I stand in the middle of the hallway, lost in my thoughts, when I hear him groan in front of me.

My eyes focus back on him, and I can see the hunger in his stare.

"Bella, go get dressed, please."

"Yes, I just…I needed to ask, I guess."

"I understand. But you're in your underwear, you're wet, I can see drops of rain roll down your bare thighs," he pauses a second, only to lean in closer to me, his stance feral. "If you don't want me to slam you back against that wall, you should get dressed," he finishes with a dangerous smile curling his lips.

I'm frozen in place; he's too close again, talking about slamming me against a wall, and my brain is failing to find what would be so bad about it.

"Bella," he warns, seriously, and I finally find enough resolve within me to move.

I quickly climb the stairs, finally aware that I'm walking around practically naked, and walk inside my room. I grab my jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt; and as I hastily get dressed, I realize that as much as I need Edward, as hypnotized as I might be by his mere presence, we have to talk.

So many things happened; so many issues have to be discussed. I have to be certain that he now accepts the same morals I adhere to, before I can be with him; before I effectively surrender to him.

I head back downstairs a few minutes later, dry and dressed, and join Edward in my living room. He's sitting on my couch, his elbows resting on his knees, looking at the floor.

I pause a second to enjoy the sight of him; he resembles a marble statue, immobile, flawless, perfect. He's gorgeous.

He doesn't turn his head to me, but I see his lips curl into a smile.

"Are you decent, now?" he jokes.

"Yes," I sigh and sit next to him, my back against the armrest so that I'm facing him. He shifts in his seat and finally looks at me, his expression growing solemn again.

"You must have a lot of questions. I do have questions for you, too, actually."

"You do?" I ask, not hiding my surprise. I was so focused on my own interrogations that it didn't occur to me that he might have some, as well.

"Yes. Why did you follow Demetri ? What did you think was going to happen to you there?" he starts in a rush, and then pauses for a second, running his hand in his hair nervously. "Bella, I was so worried about you, you have no idea. When I saw Alice's vision…If anything had happened to you…"

"Edward I'm fine," I try to reassure him, vainlyin vain.

"What were you thinking?" he asks in a whisper, his brow furrowed. He isn't mad, he only seems confused.

"Demetri threatened you, and your family, because you let me become aware of what you are. I didn't think I had a choice; he would have probably killed me. I thought I could try to protect you, and Carlisle. That's the least I could do."

"_I _should have protected _you_. I'm sorry I failed you."

"You did protect me, you were there. How did you find me?"

"Alice had a vision, Carlisle showed me the way," he tells me his highly summarized version.

"I still don't understand, why did they want me there? Was it only to get to you?"

Suddenly he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and stars speaking in a very grave tone.

"No, I don't think so. Bella, you're immune to the abilities of most vampires you've met; except Alice's, apparently, and I'm actually a little jealous about that. Aro thinks it could make you a powerful vampire. He probably thought he could keep both of us. I'm positive he'll try again; it's atypical of him to have let us go so easily, and there was something else in the back of his mind that he wouldn't let me see."

He's eyeing me cautiously, visibly dreading my reaction to this new piece of information.

The mere thought of meeting Aro again makes my stomach churn. Suddenly I need to be in Edward's arms, sheltered, safe. I barely resist the urge to crawl over to him and settle against his chest.

He must sense the tension in my body and changes the subject, though clearly hesitating over his next question.

"How does it make you feel…that I've changed?"

"You did that for me?" I already know the answer but I want to hear him say it.

"Yes," he replies, his eyes locked on mine.

My chest fills with relief and joy, but a dark shadow is lurking in the back of my mind, and I can't overlook it.

"For me, and not because you think that what you were doing was wrong?

"I…" he begins, but stops before answering. He's shaking his head slightly, his eyes cast down. He looks exasperated, but I'm not sure.

My stomach knots; some part of me doesn't want him to be mad or annoyed by me. But the other part needs to have answers, even though I won't like them.

"It's not the reaction you were expecting," I say. I meant it like a question, but it came out more as a statement.

"It is, actually," he simply answers. I'm not sure I understand the meaning behind his words. Did he truly believe I wouldn't care about his gesture?

I don't want him to think I've already given up on him, but he needs to realize that it won't be easy for me to be at peace with his past.

"There are so many things I need to ask you."

"I'm listening," he retorts, leaning back on the armrest, ready to take everything I'll throw at him.

"Why did you leave without saying anything? Why didn't you tell me what you were doing?" I don't understand this; if he had told me, I would probably have waited for him, I wouldn't have been miserable for three weeks, thinking he didn't care.

He stares at me, his eyes widening, and his voice slightly rises.

"You left. You stormed out of my apartment, you wouldn't talk to me. You said it was over, Bella. I bared my most personal thoughts to you; my soul, so to speak, and you said it was over."

"When…?" I'm stunned, I'm trying to think back to the moment I could have actually uttered those words, and I don't remember ever saying that.

"When you looked at my sketchbooks; I was watching you. It was only a whisper but I heard you."

I remember now. I remember the struggle to decide whether I could be with him or not. I made the most painful decision of my life that day, and I made the wrong one. Fortunately for me, he didn't give up.

"You changed anyway?"

"I'll do anything for you, Bella. I can't live without you, and I won't even try. Even if you want me to, I'll never waiver."

His words, his promise are warming my heart. I want to believe him; I want to bury myself in his arms and stay there forever; but Aro's words are poisoning my trust in Edward.

"And this other girl that you apparently wanted to spend the rest of your eternity with?" I snap, more harshly than I should.

"She was nothing compared to you, she was…she was sick, I was lonely. It's a long story, and I will tell you everything if you want me to, but not today. Please."

"Why not?"

"Because what happened nine years ago doesn't change what we feel for each other today," he explains convincingly, but he's wrong.

Another woman in his arms, another woman igniting his desire. My eyes are tearing up, and my throat is constricted.

"I … I thought I was special," I mumble.

"You are," he whispers as he moves closer to me on the couch.

"I naively thought I was the only one you ever thought of spending your life with," I cry as a single tear escapes my eye and roll down my cheek.

"Bella, please," he begs, lifting his hand to reach my face, but I push him away.

"Please, what?"

He leans back on the armrest again and sighs, defeated. I sense something else in his gaze, though; despair, possibly.

"I don't know what more to say to you, Bella," he says. "Except that I would have abandoned her for you, except that I'm glad she died so this isn't even an issue, now. But it'll only make you hate me more."

"I don't hate you. It's just…It hurts. I wanted to be the only one for you," I confess, and tears are starting filling my eyes again.

"You are," he assures me sincerely. "No other girl has ever come close to meaning as much to me as you do. I promise."

I should probably leave that topic and move on, but morbid curiosity makes me push the subject further.

"What happened with that girl; did you do something wrong?"

"I did what I thought I should do," he answers, running his fingers through his hair.

He never seems to admit his errors.

"Will you ever accept responsibilities for your mistakes?" I ask as nicely as I can, and he doesn't seem offended.

"I do. I accept the consequences of my actions and live with them. We just disagree of what my mistakes are."

"Don't you regret anything? Wouldn't you change anything if you had the chance?"

"No. If I had done anything differently, I might not be here with you today. I wouldn't take that risk."

At this moment I understand completely what he means. If he was the person I want him to be, we would have probably never met. I don't know which is worse for me: the possibility of not having him in my life, or accepting the evil part of who he is. And this is precisely the choice I have to make.

He slides down from the couch and kneels on the floor in front of me. As I shift to face him, he moves forward, positioning his knees between my feet. He puts one hand on my knee and the other reaches up to cup my cheek, bringing me closer to him. I feel his breath on my face as he's talking and my whole body reacts instantly to his nearness, to his touch; I'm completely intoxicated by him.

"Every time I'm near you," he whispers, "every time I touch you…Every time I think I could lose you … I've never felt anything like it. I know it's the same for you. Your body doesn't lie, your heart doesn't lie."

"My body's a traitor," I breathe. I'm struggling to keep in mind the issues that need to be discussed, but my resolve gradually vanishes the closer he gets. My heart already belongs to him.

"Bella, let me prove to that I can be everything you need," he says softly as his hand leaves my knee to rest on my lower back. He pulls closer to him and I'm almost flush against him. "I know I'm not the man you've always dreamt of; I'm not even a man. But I can look after you, take care of you."

I'm drowning in his eyes, whirling in the tenderness they hold.

"Give me a chance," he's pleading, now, begging me; and his gravelly voice makes my entire body vibrate. I'm savoring the sensation of his arm around me, keeping me safe, locked in his embrace, far away from the rest of the world.

"We belong together, Bella; I need you. You're mine, you said it yourself; and I'm yours." His lips are almost touching mine as he's speaking and my head is spinning. "I'm yours; irrevocably devoted to you. Please, don't give up on me."

I'm holding on to my last shred of resolve; I need to voice my thoughts, to let him know how I feel. Otherwise this will never work.

"Edward, I need to be sure that every time you walk out my door, you don't go and kill someone to feed. I can't live with that horror; I just can't."

I'm the one pleading, now; for reassurance, for his promise that I can give myself to him without being hurt, emotionally at least.

"Do you trust me? Do you think I could lie to you about killing?"

"How can you be so sure you'll be able to resist?" I don't mean to doubt his word, but he had been drinking human blood for nine years and only changed three weeks ago.

He seems to understand my fears and pulls away slightly, a teasing smile appearing on his lips.

"If I can resist you, I can resist anyone."

I smile at him, almost all my fears and doubts appeased.

Almost.

"You still don't see how wrong what you've done was?" My tone isn't reproachful; I'm just trying to understand. Yet I realize I've offended him when he stiffens for a second and moves away from me. He stands up and steps backwards, his eyes pained; he's hurt.

"You can't do this to me, Bella. You can't tell me you love me, kiss me, scream my name in panic when you think I'm gone, and then push me away because I'm not good enough for you. I might be an evil creature, but I've never treated you badly, have I?"

"No. I know, I'm sorry," I murmur weakly and he shakes his head.

"Bella, were you happier when I was gone?"

"No, I was miserable," I reply immediately, getting up from the couch to stand in front of him.

"Are you happy now that I'm here?" he asks, and I see his eyes shine with hope.

"Happy's not the word. I'm… I'm breathing, finally. But …" I stop, unable to finish my sentence. Words are failing me, I'm speechless.

He never tears his gaze away from mine, and I see the hope in his eyes morph into something else; resolve, victory even. I just offered him my weakness, a breach in my determination.

"Bella, I would do anything for you; everything you ask, everything you want from me. Just stop thinking for a second and listen to what your body is telling you."

His hands slowly move to my waist and he brings himself closer to me. He's nuzzling my hair, leaving small kisses on the top of my head, and I rest my hands on his chest, holding on to his shirt. I snuggle closer to him; I'm in his arms, finally, and I'm losing my focus again.

"Listen to our heart racing, Bella," he whispers in my hair. "It reacts to me, it recognizes me. Your skin is burning under my touch; your entire body craves my embrace, just as much as mine is longing for yours."

He tightens his hold on me, his strong arms keeping me crushed against him. I've never felt so secure, so complete.

"Bella, please, let me try to be good enough for you," he's begging me again and I don't have enough strength to reject him; I don't have any reason to. Every single detail about him is so entrancing; his smell, his touch, his voice…I don't stand a chance. He won.

I don't answer, utterly spellbound in the safe haven he's created for me.

His hand moves from my waist to the nape of my neck, softly stroking up my back, and lifts up my chin. He lowers his face, his lips ghosting over mine, his thumb softly grazing my cheek.

"I'm not asking you for anything, except letting me be with you."

"It's not that simple, Edward," I manage to mutter in my haze; but I'm not sure what I'm referring to anymore, or why I'm still protesting.

"It is. It's very simple. Deep down inside of you, what do you want, Bella?"

"I want you," I declare in a murmur; and before I can pronounce another word, he gently presses his lips on mine, igniting every part of my being. His hands are gripping me, but his lips are soft, unhurried, sending a tingling feeling to course through my entire body, from my lips to the tip of my toes. My skin is burning; I want his cool hands all over my body. I want his lips everywhere. I want more.

I lift my hands to reach his hair, but he pulls away after only a few seconds and looks into my eyes.

"We still have a lot of things to discuss," he simply says, and it sounds as if he's trying to hold me back, now.

"It would be easier for me to discuss things if you weren't clouding my mind all the time," I retort jokingly.

"How am I doing that?" He replies with a devastating crooked smile.

"Everything about you…It's unfair."

"I'm sure it doesn't come close to the effect you have on me. You smell so delicious, and your taste…" he trails off in a grunt and moves away from me to resume his previous position on the couch.

I feel oddly cold now that I'm not in his arms anymore, and vulnerable; but I try to discard the feeling.

"Perhaps we should go somewhere to talk; somewhere you would have no choice but to keep your distance and behave yourself," I offer mischievously.

"Behave myself? I don't recall being the one parading all wet in my underwear. But I guess you have a point. I could take you to dinner."

"You don't eat," I reply unthinkingly.

"I'll pretend," he murmurs as he winks at me conspiratorially. "Plus, you must be hungry, it's nearly 6pm."

"I slept all day?" I ask, astounded. When I woke up and I saw the light of day, I assumed it was morning, not almost night again.

"You needed to rest."

He stares at me for a moment, hesitating, nervous. He's always so confident, for the first time I notice how adorable he can look when he isn't.

"What is it?"

"Do you think we could consider this…I mean tonight…that we could consider it's a …a date?" He asks in a hesitant voice.

"Edward, -" I start, stunned, but he doesn't let me answer.

"I want to take you out on a real date. I should have done it before, actually. And don't tell me that we need to talk first because I refuse to even consider the possibility that we won't be together. "

I stare at him with wide eyes; his confidence is back and there's no point in arguing. Not that I would anyway; I know he's right. We need to talk, to learn to understand each other and make compromises; but I know there's no way I can live without him.

"Alright." I agree. "But if this is a real date, then I need to change. Could you give me a minute?"

"Sure."

I jump from the couch and practically run upstairs. After taking the quickest shower of my life, I rummage through my closet desperately trying to find something to wear other than jeans and a sweater.

I haven't been on a date for quite some time, but I must have some clothes appropriate for the occasion.

In the back of my closet I find a little black dress. I have absolutely no idea when was the last time I wore it.

I hastily put it on and look at myself in the mirror. It's perfect; the sleeveless dress reveals my shoulders, the v-neck exposes my collarbone and just enough cleavage, the tight fitting waist fits perfectly and the hem floats loosely above my knees. The only remaining problem is the pair of black pumps that I have to wear with that dress. I hesitate for a second, and finally decide to wear them anyway, despite the 4 inches heels.

I dry my hair as fast as I can and apply a little bit of makeup, and I'm ready in a record time. I'm anxious to go back to Edward; only twenty minutes away from him is awfully painful.

I walk down the stairs as carefully as I can, not looking up from my feet. I know if I see Edward now, waiting for me in the hall, I'll probably fall down and break something. I finally make it to the last step unhurt, and lift my gaze when I'm in front of him.

I gasp when I see his eyes so bright, the golden color shining; they're fixated on me. He stares at me in wonder, but there's something else; longing, along with lust, and it makes me smile.

"What are you so smug about?" He asks playfully.

"You seem to like the dress," I answer innocently, trying hard to keep my smile concealed.

"I like the dress," he starts in a feral voice, and I discern the predator behind his composed façade as he continues, " And I really like the shoes, especially attached to those legs. You look stunning."

"Thank you. Although I'll probably twist my ankle and fall on my face, in those shoes," I explain, trying to turn his attention from my blush. He doesn't even need to be close; his gaze on me, his words for me, and my body reacts instantly.

I was expecting some kind of answer, but he doesn't say a word and keeps his eyes locked on my legs. I watch unadulterated lust morph his features as his gaze slowly travel up my legs and roam over my body, lingering on my collarbone and my neck. My pulse quickens in response.

I'm astonished, he's usually such a gentleman, and now he's blatantly checking me out. His eyes finally reach mine, and I'm sure I must be smirking.

"We should go before I …" he groans, but doesn't finish his sentence. Suddenly I'm very curious to see what would happen if we stayed in the house a little longer. Unfortunately, he hands me my jacket and leads me to his car.

He starts driving, and I'm taken aback when I realize the road he's following leads us out of Port Angeles.

"Where are we going?"

"In Seattle. There's this place, like a bar but apparently you can also eat. I've heard a lot of people think it's great. I thought we could go there."

I don't think it was necessary to drive to Seattle to have dinner; there are nice places in Port Angeles. But he drives fast enough so that it won't take us much time to arrive. And he looks so adorable again, unsure of himself; he has evidently thought about this. I don't want to make him feel bad.

"You're really trying to do this right, are you?"

"I've made so many mistakes with you, it's about time I do things properly," he confesses.

I turn back to the road without answering. I don't want to start any heavy conversation now; I want to be able to look at him in the eye for this. We remain mostly silent until we arrive in Seattle, and he parks the car not far from this bar he mentioned.

As usual, he opens the car door for me and holds out his hand to me, helping me get up. I exit the car as he closes the door and locks the car without letting go of my hand. He stands in front of me and entwines his fingers with mine, his eyes silently asking for my assent. I smile at him reassuringly, my heart swelling with bliss at his simple gesture, and we start walking.

We enter the bar and I'm a little surprised. I was expecting something modern, more selective. I was wrong. It looks like any other bar you would choose to hang out with your friends; although it is rather packed for a Thursday night.

Edward leads me to a booth in a quiet corner and takes the seat in front of me. The waiter is at our table instantly and I order only French fries and a coke; for each of us, for the sake of appearances. As soon as the waiter leaves, Edward frowns and opens his mouth to speak; but I interrupt him before he begins.

"I think it would be unfair of you to make a comment about what I eat."

He looks at me, his mouth still slightly open, and then closes it in a pout.

We stare at each other for several long minutes, none of us wanting to begin a conversation that we both know will be painful.

But this is our reason for being here, so I eventually start talking.

"Edward, I want to be completely honest with you; it really bothers me that you don't feel regret over killing all those people. I don't understand how you could think it doesn't matter." I try to keep my tone as even as possible. I don't want him to feel attacked, I just want to understand.

"I never said it didn't matter," he answers, clearly struggling to keep his tone even, as well.

"Explain it to me, then. Please."

"Alright. There are two reasons for my choices. The first you're not going to like."

"What is it?"

"I'm a vampire. Human blood is what I'm supposed to drink. This is the most appropriate sustenance for my body. So why not?" he explains flatly, looking into my eyes and waiting for my reaction, almost testing me.

"You're right, I don't like it," I mutter as my eyes start to prickle.

"I know; but I won't lie for you to love me."

"I don't think I'll ever love that part of you," I retort and he clenches his fists on the table, dropping his gaze down. "What's the second reason?"

"You have to understand something," he begins in a serious tone as he lifts his eyes back to mine. "I've lived for eighty-three years as a vampire, feeling alone, useless. Nobody would have missed me if I hadn't been there."

"You're wrong. They've missed you these past nine years," I interrupt.

"I know that, now. But they all had each other; I was alone, lonely. My existence had no purpose. The first time I killed a man, he was attacking this girl. The feeling it brought me… I saved her. I actually did something good for someone. But Carlisle didn't accept my point of view, he wouldn't try to understand; so I left them."

I listen to his story, completely silent, captivated by the sound of his voice and the emotions seeping through it.

"I thought about it a lot, trying to find another manner to help girls like her, to save their lives. If I had been a doctor, she would've still been killed. If I had been a cop, she would have still been killed. I needed to be there, on the street, to save some of them. I am a vampire, and as one, it's the best I could do. And my miserable existence suddenly had some kind of purpose."

"I understand, in part. But you didn't have to kill the man," I disagree, and this time I can't hide the criticism in my tone.

"I guess not. This is where the 'I am a vampire' reason comes in."

We're both silent when the waiter brings us our plates and drinks. I remain speechless even after he's left, my eyes on my plate; I'm trying to process everything Edward just said.

"Bella, you do realize what I am, don't you? The way my family lives, it's a unique case. Blaming me for feeding on human blood is like blaming a human for not being a vegetarian."

My head snaps up and I'm not trying to sound nice anymore.

"So we're back to the conversation we had in your apartment: we're just food to you?"

"No, you're not. Could you just _try _to see things from my point of view?" He's getting annoyed, too, and he isn't hiding it either.

"I'm trying, really hard, believe me. I just don't get it."

"Ok, so this is where we are: I don't think what I've done is inexcusable, yet you can't excuse it. Now, I've changed my entire lifestyle for you, because I want to be with you. I will not be that person anymore. Do you think you could accept that my past is my past, and be with who I am today?"

"I…" I start, but I don't know what to say. His argument makes sense. I shake my head slightly, realizing that I won't make him change his opinion about his diet.

"Do you think I would ever lie to you? That I would kill someone if I promise you I won't?" He asks more calmly, and I can sense the hurt cause by my lack of trust.

"No, I know you won't," I reassure. Even though it wasn't intentional, I can hear in my own voice a sense of conclusion, a resolution, the promise of a future. He hears it too and relaxes instantly, a small smile curling his lips.

"Then I promise I will never kill a human being to feed, ever again," he promises solemnly, then flashes the most breathtakingly seductive smile before continuing. "You'll note that my promise doesn't include tasting your blood, and technically, I will kill you when I turn you."

I stare at him in shock for a few seconds, and finally ask the question.

"When, not if?"

"Unless you never want to," he answer, his smile fading sadly.

"I can't think about that right now," I mutter apologetically.

"I know." He puts his forearms on the table, pushing his plate on the side, and leans over to me. "Was it true, what you said there? That your blood is mine? That only I could leave my mark on you?" His velvety voice is sending shivers down my spine. His golden eyes are glowing, the bright color burning with intensity, and I'm mesmerized by him.

"Yes," I breathe.

His deep, passionate stare never leaves mine; he's licking his lips hungrily, and my heart rate spikes.

"I want nothing more than spend the rest of my life with you, taking care of you, loving you. But you can't imagine how much I want you, your blood; how much I want to leave my mark on you. I want you to be mine."

He pauses, clearly enjoying my reaction to his words, my speeding heart, my shallow breaths. "You were right to suggest a public place for this conversation," he confesses, licking his lips again.

"And the conversation is far from being over," I chide.

He leans against the back of his seat and visibly tries to hide his smile.

"Alright, what else did you want to ask me?"

"Are you going to leave again?" I ask, dreading the answer.

"I should leave; I should take more time to focus on my new diet. But there's nothing that could make me go away again. When I thought you could be hurt, when I imagine arriving in Italy and finding you dead…I can't; I'm never leaving you again."

I just nod, incredibly relieved by his promise.

"Is it harder for you now, to be near me?" I want him to tell me, even though I already know the answer. We've been close since he came back, but I can see the struggle in his eyes, I can sense him tense, and it seems to be worse than it was.

"Yes, impossibly so," he admits. "But I think I'm doing rather good, all things considered." He smiles shyly and I smile back.

"Where were you this afternoon when I woke up?"

"I was supposed to go feed, but I heard you calling me." His expression becomes carnal as he's probably remembering in what outfit I was calling him; and I blush.

"Oh. But you fed while I was in the shower, didn't you? Your eyes are so bright."

"Yes, I did. I don't want to approach you if I'm not fully sated, it's difficult to resist your blood enough as it is," he answers cautiously and hesitate a moment. "I love that you notice the nuances in my eyes, and that what they mean doesn't repulse you. I don't feel like such a monster. Thank you."

I get lost in his reverent gaze; the affection I witness in it is leaving me speechless, and I can only smile.

"What do you think of the new color, by the way?" he asks tentatively.

"I love it. I love what it means," I reply instantly and he smiles at me sweetly.

I take a few bites of food and remember a few questions I wanted to ask him.

"When we left my house, you said we should go before you…and you didn't finish. Before what?" I ask curiously, and his smile widens, a mischievous glint appearing in his eyes.

"There's a reason why I stopped before saying it, Bella."

"Something about slamming me against a wall, perhaps?" I ask teasingly in the sultriest voice I can manage, using his own words.

He leans over the table again, his gaze carnal, indecent, his mouth slightly open, his wet lips curling into a dangerously sensual smile.

"Definitely more inappropriate than that, but you're on the right track."

Images of earlier in the day come rushing back in my mind; me against the wall, trapped by his body pressed against mine; and his hands on me, on my bare skin, under my clothes. I'm combusting again at the mere thought.

"You're always such a gentleman, so polite. You're surprising me."

"First of all, I might have been dead for a long time, some part of me still reacts like a man. And that part of me is getting more and more difficult to restrain; even more than the part that wants your blood." His voice is husky, the look in his eyes echoing his words.

"You're clouding my mind again," I whisper seductively.

"I haven't even touched or kissed you this time," he counters in the same tone of voice, and adds, "It's nice how I don't need to be able to read your thoughts to know exactly what's on your mind at this moment. I can see it on our skin, I can hear it in your chest, in your veins. I can smell it on you."

I close my eyes, trying to remain composed, but he doesn't stop.

"Bella, you smell so delicious; even more so when you're aroused."

"Edward, stop," I sigh breathlessly. He's driving me completely insane.

"What you feel right now isn't even half of what I feel constantly around you," he offers apologetically, leaning back in his seat. I open my eyes, feigning annoyance and irritation.

"You were supposed to behave yourself. I'm going to the restroom until you regain some perspective."

He smiles at me smugly; he knows perfectly well how easily he can affect me. He's playing with me, and he seems to really enjoy it. In all honesty, so do I.

I walk across the bar on wobbly legs, fighting the urge to turn around and see if Edward is watching me leave. I walk to the narrow hallway leading to the restroom, and I'm almost at the door when I hear a familiar voice call my name. I freeze; I don't need to see his face to recognize him. I turn around with a sigh.

"Jake, what are you doing here?"

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_**A/N: I'm so terribly sorry that it took me so long to update. I'll try to do better, I promise.**_

_**Thank all of you for not giving up on me and my story. I love you, you mean the world to me.**_

_**A huge thank you to Camilla10 for her honesty, her support and her ideas. She helped a lot, this chapter would have been very different without her.**_

_**As usual, thanks to my beta theotherbella, because she's awesome and I love her. I can't imagine doing this without her.**_

_**Keep the reviews coming, good or bad; I love hearing what you think :)  
**_


	17. Temptation waits

_**A/N: After a 6 month hiatus, I finally got back to writing. I promised you I'd be back and finish this story!**_

_**I hope you like this chapter, it took me a long time to write it.**_

_**I've really missed writing and sharing this with you guys. Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter 16 – Temptation waits**

**BPOV**

"Jake, what are you doing here?" I ask, not even bothering to conceal my annoyance.

"Hey, Bella. I'm here with some colleagues. Are you ok?" He answers in the most natural way, as if we were friends. My exasperation increases twofold.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"I talked to Charlie," he continues in a concerned voice. "He's worried about you, he said something was wrong, but you wouldn't talk to him."

"And you think I'm going to talk to you?" I snicker.

"No, of course not. I just wanted to be sure you were fine, so that I can tell Charlie-"

"You can tell him I'm fine," I interrupt.

I turn around to go to the restroom, effectively ending the conversation, but he's not finished talking. His voice rises slightly, and his words become a little slurred. He's been drinking.

"Who's this guy you're with?"

"Are you kidding me?" I turn back to him, incredulous.

"Is he the guy you were all depressed about? Charlie said –"

"I don't care what Charlie told you," I raise my voice, too; not annoyed anymore but upset. "You don't have the right to ask me about how I feel, or who I'm dating."

He's feigning not to notice my tone of voice and continues teasingly.

"So you're really dating him, huh? It's weird, I never thought I'd actually be jealous."

"What?"

"Come on, Bella, I know you're jealous that I'm with Leah. There's no need to lie about it."

"You're crazy," I snap. "You're crazy and you're drunk!"

"Well that's new. You never used to get all heated like that when we were dating," he comments in a voice that he probably intended to be seductive, but only has me getting nauseous. He staggers towards me, lifting his hand to push a stray of my hair behind my ear.

"Don't come closer, Jake." I push his hand away and try to move away from him, but he's got me trapped in the corner of the hallway.

"Bells, don't be like that. Admit it, we were great together. And seeing you like this, knowing that this guy gets to touch you…"

"Jake, stop this. You're the last person I wanted to see today. Actually, you're the last person I want to see any day. You and Charlie might be friends, but we're not,: we aren't anything. So please go back to your friendsand leave me alone."

"What's with the attitude, Bella? Why are you so mad at me?" He asks, his mood shifting abruptly.

I'm starting to worry; irritating him while he's obviously had too much alcohol probably isn't the smartest idea.

I look around his shoulders, instinctively searching for Edward, and sigh of relief when I see him standing behind Jake.

"Is everything ok in here?" He inquires in a firm tone.

Jacob swiftly turns around, and chuckles at the sight of Edward.

"Oh, the new boyfriend is here to protect you from the Big Bad Wolf. We're just having a conversation here."

"He's drunk," I say to Edward as a way of explanation.

"Yes, I can smell that," he states, a disgusted expression on his face.

"Fuck you!" Jake shouts at him.

"Jake!" I position myself between the two of them, afraid that Edward isn't going to take very well Jacob's colorful language. Jake is confronting Edward, completely unaware of the risks.

I thought he would try to fight Edward, prove to himself and maybe me that he was the strongest man here; typical Neanderthal Jake behavior. I was wrong; he decided to unleash his frustration on me, slurring his words at me, his face distorted in loathing.

"You know what Bella, we could have been happy together, but you chose not to forgive me. Now, look at you, you're pathetic…"

"You should stop talking, now," Edward warns in a low voice, but Jake doesn't pay attention. He keeps talking to me, his voice rising gradually.

"Two years later and you still don't have a decent job, and you're still holding onto old grudges…"

"Bella, I'll smash his skull if he doesn't stop," Edward tries to interrupt menacingly.

"And now you're dating this weird guy who looks at you like you're some piece of meat. Well, I can't deny that you do look good in that dress, like you did the last time you wore it, but-"

Jacob doesn't have time to finish his sentence. In a split second, Edward moves past me and grabs him. He has him pinned against the wall, holding him up with one hand on his throat. Jake's feet are dangling, frantically trying to find support on the floor.

Edward brings his mouth closer to Jacob's face, his eyes dark and serious. He starts speaking in a calm, even tone, rendering it even more threatening.

"Shut the fuck up or I'll make sure you can never talk again." Jake stares at him with wide eyes, desperately trying to breathe. I just stand there, watching Edward defeat him, his intimidating voice sending shivers down my spine.

"You will not address her that way. Actually, don't talk to her at all. I want nothing more than to crush your skull against that wall to erase from your mind the images of her that just flashed through your head. The only reason I won't is because I don't want to lose her."

Edward steps away from him, releasing him, and Jacob falls loudly on the floor, clutching his throat and couching.

Edward turns to me.

"We're leaving," he affirms as he grabs my hand firmly, preventing me from seeing Jake.

He tugs at my arms and leads me out of the bar and to his car. He's walking so fast I can barely keep up.

We drive in complete silence, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, his jaw twitching frenetically. He isn't talking, he isn't even looking at me, not even a quick glance, but I can't keep my eyes away from him. I need to see in his gaze that he isn't upset with me, but he doesn't turn his head. He keeps looking through the windshield, and I'm afraid to do the same, sensing that he's driving awfully fast.

After only a few minutes, he parks the car again, and I realize we're in front of Carlisle's house.

"I don't want to drive you back to Port Angeles, yet," he simply says as a way of explanation.

"Why not your apartment?"

"I don't want to be alone with you right now."

I enter the house behind Edward, my heart shattered in to a million pieces by his words and the coldness of his voice. He's angry, that much is obvious, and he seems to be mad at me.

I follow him into the living room, trying to push back all the hurtful memories of the last time I was here, and focus on Edward's behavior.

He's fuming, pacing, walking faster than I had ever seen him, grabbing and pulling at his hair. I've never seen him so restless.

I stand uncomfortably in the middle of the room; I don't know what to say to calm him down, or whether I should even say something.

"JASPER," he yells, his voice panicked.

I'm confused; I don't understand what we're doing here, and why he needs to see his brother now.

Only a second later, Jasper enters the room, followed by the rest of the Cullen's.

"Edward, what's g-… Wow, you need to calm down," Jasper exclaims, strangely taking a step back, as if someone had pushed him.

"I know. I can't," Edward yells at him.

"You're going to kill her if you act on what you're feeling, right now," Jasper states coldly as he walks tentatively towards Edward. I don't understand what happening. If anything, it all becomes more and more odd. Their reactions are utterly incomprehensible to me.

"I know!" Edward shouts again, frantically tugging at his hair. "I can't get it out of my head."

"Do you want me to help you calm down?"

"NO! I need to be able to do this myself; you won't always be around, Jasper. It's just…I'm not sure I can," Edward adds, his eyes filled with despair and doubt.

"You were right to come here, Edward," Carlisle says, as the other members of the family remain silent and immobile, watching the scene unfold before their eyes just like me.

"Edward, just look at her," Jasper pleads, as if it held the solution to his trouble.

"I can't," he answers painfully, his hands covering his eyes. My stomach churns; it physically hurts to see him struggle like this. I have no idea what's wrong, or how I could help, so I say the first words I can think of.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and his head snaps up, his eyes interrogating, torn.

"About what?"

"Whatever I did that got you so mad."

Edward's looking at me incredulously, and I hear Jasper chuckle beside me.

"You..." he starts, but closes his lips tightly to keep the words from coming out. "My room?" Edward asks harshly, looking at Jasper again. Before he can answer, at least out loud, I'm lifted off the floor and swiftly carried upstairs. It happens so fast that I only comprehend what happened when Edward drops me on the bed and I hear him slam the door shut.

We're in his bedroom; the one I'd been sleeping in for several days, weeks ago. The room is exactly the same, yet everything feels different now that Edward is here with me. He's leaning against the door; he's still angry, I see the battle raging inside of him.

"I'm not mad at you. How could you possibly think that?"

"You weren't talking to me again, you wouldn't even look at me. What is it, then?"

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you, I wasn't paying enough attention."

"You couldn't know he'd be there."

"I'm sorry I let him talk to you that way," he repents, his eyes cast down in shame. "I'm sorry I choked him, I know you- "

"Edward, stop apologizing and tell me what's happening to you. What are we doing here?"

"I wanted to kill him so badly, when I saw you in his mind…" he trails off, his hand still gripping the door handle and almost crumpling it.

"When you saw him talking to me?" I still don't understand; if he isn't mad at Jake, or me, what set off this reaction?

"No, after that; when I saw his memories of you."

"What memories?"

"You," he says through gritted teeth as he starts pacing again. "You, wearing that dress, and him…" He's trying to hold back the words again. There's something he doesn't want to say out loud. Then he turns to me and finally pronounces the words with the most vicious curl on his lips. "…him taking you on your kitchen table," he growls, his dark gaze burning with rage.

"Oh God…Edward I'm so sorry," I whisper, hiding my face in my palms, not even sure what I'm apologizing for. "I understand why you're so angry."

"I'm not angry, I'm…" He stops, visibly embarrassed by his feelings. He doesn't have to utter the words, I already know what they are.

"You're jealous?" I ask for confirmation, trying hard to hide the smug smile forming on my lips.

"Yes," he cries. "Having to see you with someone else is the most horrible vision I've ever experienced, but knowing I can't be like that with you hurts just as much. I want you so much; but I realize you're more his than you're mine."

I know he's struggling with this, and it must be horrible for him to see me like that; but his reasoning is ridiculous, and I can't keep the chuckle from escaping my throat.

"What particular detail about this horrific situation do you find amusing?"

"Your reasoning about me being his or yours, it's very primitive," I answer sweetly.

"Well, I'm an animal," Edward replies dryly.

"You're more a man than you think you are. You're jealous, and possessive, just like a man."

I start to move to get off the bed but he steps back and holds his hand in front of him to stop me.

"I can't get the images out of my mind," he starts explaining. "I see your face, hear you moan in pleasure. But it hurts so much that it's not with me." He pauses for a moment, evidently trying to remain calm as the images flash in his head. "Bella, I'm trying as hard as I can not to rip your clothes off right now and get you to make that sound again… for me."

"Edward, do you really think you would hurt me?" I ask reassuringly, attempting to appease his fears.

"I easily could. I'm not willing to take that risk," he answers with resolve.

I drop my eyes to my lap, a disturbing feeling creeping inside of me. I feel vulnerable, rejected for some reason. I know it's irrational, but seeing him keep his distance from me, even to protect me, is troubling me.

I'm tired of this, I can't take it anymore. I want it to stop. I'm tired of the constant struggle dictating our relationship, of the precautions we have to take, of the uncertainties, the unspoken doubts and fears. I want it to be simple, honest, true. I want it to be him and me, giving ourselves to each other entirely.

If he isn't willing to take that risk, I am.

"I need you. I need to be in your arms." My voice comes out unexpectedly low and sultry. I move off the bed and take a step towards him. He stops pacing and lifts his gaze to me, visibly astounded.

"I want you, Edward," I continue, slowly walking closer to him as I lift my hair from my shoulders and push it back. I look at him straight in the eyes, his stare the deepest black I've ever seen, and take another step forward. His stance has shifted slightly; almost imperceptibly, but it's very noticeable to me. It's very different from what I'm used to with him. He isn't ready to pounce on me like an animal, as he habitually is. He's struggling, desperately attempting to remain calm, but it isn't the beast he's striving to hold back.

His fists are clenched at his sides, his lips parted. His eyes are devouring me, evidently mentally undressing me. He isn't thirsty, he's aroused; and I've never felt more powerful in my entire life.

Emboldened by the intensity of his stare on me, I stop in front of him and reach back, slowly sliding down the zipper of my dress, and letting it fall at my feet. I'm facing him in my underwear, exposed, candidly offering myself to him.

He stares at me with wide eyes for a second, and suddenly I'm lying on the bed, with Edward hovering over me. It was so fast, I didn't see it happen, I don't know how we got in that position.

I don't care; he's here, finally close to me.

I grab his shirt at his waist, compelling him to lower his body on mine, but he's holding himself up, almost not touching me.

"Bella, you're really not helping me," he sighs.

"Don't treat me like a frail, helpless creature that needs to be protected from you. I've never felt safer than in your arms."

"Bella, when you're in my arms, you're the most fragile, helpless little creature that exists," he replies, and a sinful glint flickers in his eyes.

"You like having me trapped, don't you?" I murmur teasingly.

"You have no idea. I deeply enjoy seeing you like that, at my mercy; the sweet, delicious little prey, ready for me to take," he whispers against my cheek as his lips ghost over my skin.

"Take me," I sigh unthinkingly, completely spellbound.

"Bella," he responds, his voice hoarse, his lips grazing my jaw. "If I start now, I won't be able to stop. I want nothing more than to kiss you and put my hands on you, tear off the few clothes you have left on you and make you mine. But I don't want it to happen because Jacob triggered it. And more importantly, you need to be aware that, aside the fact that I might hurt you physically, there's also a strong possibility that I won't be able to refrain from biting you. I know you're not ready for that yet." He utters the words in the most melodic voice I've ever heard, echoing the sweetness of their meaning. He plants a soft kiss on my jaw, right beneath my ear, and lifts his head to look into my eyes, waiting for my response.

"I understand," is all I manage to answer, my mind trying to get out of the daze induced by my need for him.

Edward is leaning over me, his arms on either side of my face. He's licking his lips as he watches me hungrily. His mouth brushes against mine, and just when I think he's going to kiss me, he stops and pulls back.

I watch him and can't help but smile at him.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm actually proud of you. You're much stronger than you think you are."

"Well, one of us has to be, and apparently it isn't you," he chides playfully before becoming serious again. "Bella, can I watch you sleep again tonight? I miss watching you sleep."

"I'm in your bed, where else would you be going?"

He smiles widely as he helps me off the bed. I quickly walk to the bathroom, suddenly very selfconscious in my underwear.

I'm not even surprised to find a pile of clothes folded on the vanity; Alice must have seen us coming. I put on the dark green tank top and matching pajama pants left for me.

When I walk back in the bedroom, I find Edward resting on the bed, propped up on a few pillows. My breath catches at the sight of him, wearing black pajama pants and a tight fitting white t-shirt. I can't tear my gaze away from him. I can see his lean muscles through the fabric. I try to control my wandering eyes and walk to the side of the bed, and climb under the covers without saying a word.

Edward pulls the covers from under him and slides underneath, watching me snuggle closer to him.

"Come here," he offers with a sweet smile, holding his arms out to me. "I didn't even ask how you felt after your encounter with Jacob," he states apologetically.

"I'm alright, I guess. But sometimes I think he's right about me. Maybe I am pathetic," I mutter, a little ashamed to admit that Jacob's words influenced my confidence.

"No, you're not pathetic. He couldn't be more wrong about you."

"Edward, I'm slowly losing all my friends, I got fired from the only job I managed to get. I…I've been alone for the past two years."

"Those things don't define who you are. Does it really matter? I mean all of that: the friends who leave you behind, the jobs that are beneath your potential, the men who are too blind or stupid to notice you; do they really matter?"

"You don't think it makes me pathetic? You don't think I had given up, that I'm a failure?"

As I ask the question, I already know the answer. I know I'm not pathetic, I know Jacob is wrong about me, or that he only wanted to hurt my feelings. For some reason, I need Edward to reassure me, I need to hear him say it out loud.

"I think…maybe you didn't fight harder because there was nothing important enough for you to fight for. Maybe…maybe you were waiting for it…for me," he murmurs, his gaze deep as he's looking into my eyes. "Or maybe I'm just flattering myself," he adds jokingly.

"No. I think maybe you're right."

I nestle against him as he locks his arms tight around me. I rest my head on his chest as he runs his fingers leisurely through my hair.

In a sigh of contentment, I fall asleep.

I slowly come back to consciousness, unsure of where I am. I've woken up in so many different places these past few weeks. With my eyes still closed, I stir in bed under the covers and come in contact with something cold. Then it hits me: I'm in bed with Edward.

Of all the few times I fell asleep next to him, he was always gone by the time I woke up. Except today.

I press my body against his, and snake my arm around his waist. The feeling is so amazing, I can't help the moan that escapes my throat.

"Good morning, my angel," Edward mutters in my hair.

"Good morning."

"Did you have sweet dreams?"

"I don't really remem-" I stop mid-sentence when I notice the mischievous glint in his eyes. There's a reason why he's asking me. "I was talking in my sleep again, wasn't I?"

"Only a few words. You don't remember at all?" he asks, feigning hurt, locking one arm around my waist.

"No, I don't. What words?"

"Let me think. There was my name," he starts in a sultry voice, taking my hand in his and ghosting his lips on my arm.

"You might have said 'yes' a few times," he continues between kisses. I don't see his face but I can feel the smile curling his lips.

"And also 'more', possibly." His mouth is traveling down my arm, and he's almost at my wrist. My entire body is shivering, my breathing is labored and I'm resisting the urge to throw my leg over his hips to straddle him.

"Possibly?"

"I'm not sure; it was rather difficult focusing on something other than your squirming body."

His mouth is finally on my wrist and he stops there, his lips slightly parted, exactly where Aro tried to bite me.

"If anything had happened to you…"

"It didn't. You were there to protect me," I soothe.

He's holding my wrist firmly, close to his mouth and inhales deeply.

"It burns," he says softly. It's the first time he tells me exactly what he feels around me, his exact sensations. "It's like millions of little daggers slashing through the flesh of my throat. My mouth fills with venom. Every muscle in my body is taut, ready to pounce on you, ready to kill you, and it would only take a second."

"Edward…"

"Your heart is beating so fast, it's deafening. I can feel your pulse against my lips; I can feel the blood rush in your veins, begging me to let it flow."

His hold on my hand tightens and his mouth opens wider. I gasp as I feel the tip of his tongue trace the vein on my wrist, slowly.

"It's excruciating."

"Edward," I breathe. I'm panting, my body completely numb. All I can feel is his lips on me, his tongue. His mouth leaves my wrist and travels back up my arm, brushes my shoulder, and settles on my neck, right beneath my ear. His hand releases mine and comes grazing my thigh, resting on my hip.

"Bella, refraining from killing you is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It isn't as unbearable as being away from you, but possibly equally as difficult as restraining from ripping your clothes off and bringing your body so close to oblivion you won't even remember your name."

He shifts his body so that I'm lying on my back and he's almost on top of me. He lifts his head to level his eyes with mine as his fingers brush my hair tenderly.

"We talked a lot yesterday, but your never said clearly what you wanted. You stripped in front of me and spent the night in my arms, so it gives me a pretty good indication of whether you want to be with me or not. But I'd like to hear you say the words."

"Edward," I start, but he interrupts me.

"Before you say anything, promise you won't take it back. Ever."

"I promise," I answer solemnly, softly running my finger along his jaw. "It's very difficult for me to accept your past. I wish you'd realize the severityof your actions. Hopefully someday you will. Regardless, everything I ever said to you was true. I feel safe, complete with you. I belong to you, I was made for you. I love you."

"I love you, too. So much. Don't think I don't value the compromises you're willing to make in order to be with me; because I do."

"And I hope you realize how honored I am by the sacrifices you've made in order to be with me."

"I know."

We stare into each other's eyes for a moment, feeling safe in the semi darkness of his room. The soft light of day seeps through the brown curtains, casting a dim light in the room.

I don't know how long we stayed silent, until his brows furrowed and a cloud of worry veiled his golden gaze.

"What's wrong?"

"Bella, I don't want to push you if you're not ready; but I'd like to know what happened with Jacob."

"Alright. Though you must know a lot of it, I guess, through other people's minds."

His voice is soft and sweet, he's running his fingers in my hair soothingly.

"Bella, what I heard in people's minds is that you're a slut who tried to sleep her way to the top; that you're boyfriend discovered you were cheating on him with your married boss, and he beat him up. Is that what happened?"

"No, it's not. Far from it," my throat tightens as I hear him utter the words that have weighed me down for the past two years.

I turn my head to avoid his gaze, feeling my eyes watering, and his hand reaches my cheek, turning my gaze back to meet his intense stare.

"I trust you. I trust that you're not that person. Tell me what happened."

"Jake and I dated for four years. We lived together in Seattle, were talking about marriage and kids," I relate my story as evenly as possible, ignoring the twitching of his jaw as I mention a possible future with another man.

"I was working at this editing firm, I was one the senior editor's assistant. His name was James. He was always nice to me, and Jake thought he was expecting more from me than what my job entailed."

"Was he?"

"No. He never tried anything. For all I knew he was happily married to one of the other senior editors, Victoria. Jake just had this idea in his mind, and he wouldn't let go. Each tiny insignificant detail just fueled his doubts. One night I had to work late with James. When we finished after a few hours, James announced that there was an opening for a junior editor position, and said I should apply, that he would back me up."

"Was there any condition to that?" Edward asks worriedly.

"No, absolutely not. But I was so happy, I hugged him. It didn't even think about it; I literally jumped in his arms. I caught him off guard, I guess. He lost his balance and somehow, we both fell on the floor, with him on top of me, and I yelled because I hit my head. Jake walked in the office at this exact moment."

"You're kidding?"

"I wish. Jake lost it, he thought he was attacking me and beat the hell out of him. I tried to stop him; I did what I could. He was going to kill him."

"Why didn't James press charges against Jake?" Edward asks, clearly interested in knowing the entire story. I swallow laboriously and he leaves a soft kiss on my cheek, noticing how difficult it is for me to talk about this episode of my life.

"He was too scared of sexual harassment charges, I guess. But Victoria made sure I could never find a job again."

Edward shifts uncomfortably, looking away for a moment, before speaking again.

"So you ended it with Jacob because he was violent?"

"No, I broke up with him because he refused to understand. He wouldn't listen to me. He kept saying that James deserved it; that I should be grateful he beat him up." I pause for a second, weighing the words that I'm about to utter. "I broke up with Jake because he never apologized; he thought that if James had touched me, he deserved to die."

Edward freezes against me, looking into my eyes in panic.

"You…Bella, you think I'm like him? I'm not. It's different. The criminals I've killed, they were rapists, murderers. I saw that in their minds; I never made a mistake, there was no misunderstanding. And why did you leave him, and you're not leaving me?"

"Because despite the immorality of your actions, I know you would never hurt an innocent; he did and he's not even sorry about it. And I told you, I belong to you."

"I'm terrified that you might leave me again," he confesses, resting his forehead on mine.

"I won't," I promise again.

He pulls away slightly to look into my eyes, and I can tell he isn't certain yet that I won't run away.

"I want to tell you everything there is to know about my past, my darkest secrets. If you decide to stay, then I'll know you'll stay forever."

He's waiting for me to respond, and I really know exactly the dark secret he wants to share with me.

"You want to tell me about that girl?"

"Her name was Beth," he begins without tearing his gaze away from mine. "She was Carlisle's patient, back in Chicago; she was dying. At that time, I was very lonely, and I thought talking to people who needed someone to listen to them would be a good thing. I talked to a lot of patients who were terminal, but mostly her."

He pauses for a second, giving me time to process what he's telling. There's one question I desperately need the answer to.

"Did you fall in love with her?"

"No, not really. She was so scared to die; and I didn't want to be alone anymore. I thought the idea of changing her was perfect. I talked about my idea to Carlisle, but he didn't want me to jeopardize his position at the hospital. Of course, I thought he was overreacting, and I didn't listen to him. I thought it would be unfair to turn her without her consent, so I told her what I was, what my intentions were."

He stops again, waiting for me to ask what I need to know.

"How did she react?"

"She accepted. We had everything planned, but I had to get her out of the hospital. I arranged everything, without Carlisle knowing of course, but when I came back to get her she had gotten worse, she was feverish. She was telling all the nurses that she couldn't die yet, because I was coming back for her. She told them what I was."

"But she was sick, nobody believed her, right?" I didn't wait for him to pause this time, I interrupted him. Hearing him about this girl is at the time undeniably painful, but inexplicably absorbing.

"The thing is that we blend in when people don't know anything about us. But when they know what to look for, it's different. They start connecting the dots."

"What happened? What did you do?"

"I wanted to take her with me anyway, but Carlisle denied me access to her room, and he forbade me to ever come back to the hospital."

I'm a little afraid to ask this question, but I can feel he's waiting for me to.

"What happened to her?"

"I'm not sure, she died a few hours later," he whispers, slowly closing his eyes, the shame seeping through his voice.

"So you left them?" I keep asking more questions, he clearly needs to get this part of his past off his chest; and he hasn't told the fight with Carlisle yet.

"I came back to the house and stayed with them for a few days, but I kept fighting with Carlisle. I didn't understand why he wouldn't let me do it, especially since he had done the same thing; he turned Esme, Emmett, Rose and me. He said that I was selfish, that I had put the entire family at risk. I thought that if he had agreed to help from the start, everything would have been fine. Yet they all seemed to agree with him. I felt more alone than ever, I started wandering in the streets, with no purpose. That's when I first killed a man. It was unacceptable for Carlisle; we had reached a point of no return in our relationship, so I left. I wasn't aware of him protecting me from Aro, until Volterra."

I don't interrupt him this time until he has told me this entire story. I understand him a little bit more, now, it explains a lot about his beliefs and his behavior. The truth isn't as horrifying as I thought it'd be.

All the shadows hovering over our relationship are now gone, except one.

"If it had gone according to your plan, you would be with her, now," I remark in a shaky voice. Despite all my doubts and fears, my struggle to accept Edward ethics and morals, I can't possibly consider my life without him, or his life with another woman.

"I would have found a way to be with you," he retorts. "We're meant to be together. It's only you. All the other girls are irrelevant."

"It's the second time you've said that," I exclaim without thinking. I'm not sure why this turn of phrase bothers me, but somehow it does.

"What did I say?"

"All the other girls. You mean: all the other girls you've been with?"

"I…um…" He shifts uncomfortably, not necessarily embarrassed by my question, but visibly concerned about saying the wrong thing.

"Please explain this to me, because I have a feeling I won't like it," I say shakily as I move to sit down on the bed.

"Please don't move away from me," he pleads. "Bella, did you really think I spent 116 years alone?"

"Honestly, I hadn't really thought about that: you dating girls," I answer dryly.

"I haven't dated anyone since I was human. Except you."

"Don't try to charm me with your sweet talk. Were you…intimate with them? With Beth?"

"No, not Beth. But Bella, I was twenty-five years old when I died; I didn't die a virgin," he offers tentatively.

"Yes," I admit, "I guess that would've been kind of lame."

"Yes," he chuckles.

"And after you died?"

"You seem to be unexpectedly interested by that particular topic, my angel," he says teasingly, my favorite crooked smile on his lips.

"You want me to know all your dark secrets, don't you," I counter playfully. To be honest, I don't truly care about what he did in his century without me; but I don't want any more secrets, I want to know everything.

"Alright, then. Vampires are like humans. Some of them mate for life; others entertain each other until they find the right person."

"So you were with other vampires?"

"Yes, a few of them; but not exclusively," he answers cautiously, evidently assuming I'll recoil.

"Not exclusively?"

"A few years ago, I spent some time in New York with a vampire named Garrett. He lives amongst humans, and enjoys their companionship. He took me out with him a certain number of times, and showed me that we could share more with humans than…a meal."

"Why are you so afraid you'll hurt me, then?" I inquire louder than I intended. I'm not mad, I have no reason to be, yet this new piece of information about his past is upsetting me. I now fully understand his statement about me not being completely his, because of what I shared with Jacob. He shared experiences with those girls that he won't with me. I'm upset, I'm jealous.

He notices my reaction and immediately moves closer to me on the bed. He lifts his hand to my chin, bringing his face closer to mine, and whispers against my cheek.

"None of those girls were as deliciously enticing as you are to me. Not even remotely. I could easily control my thirst with them; with you it's a constant struggle."

"Is that part of the reason why you want to change me?"

He pulls back slightly, just enough to look into my eyes.

"Only a small part. Bella, I'm scared that something might happen to you; that you might get sick, hurt, killed. Even if you were to live a long, happy life, I would still lose you, and I would have to suffer the rest of eternity without you. I can't bear that thought. I want to spend every day of my endless life by your side. I know it's selfish, but sixty or seventy years aren't enough. Do you think you could consider allowing me to turn you, eventually?"

His voice is so enticing, I'm captivated by his words, charmed by their meaning. Regardless of all the issues at stake, I agree with him; seventy years can't seem to be enough.

"Yes," I whisper softly. "Let me just get used to the idea."

"I love you, Bella," he whispers as he brings his lips to mine, pushing me to lie back on the bed. He's holding himself up again, his body hovering over mine, but it isn't enough.

"Edward, I need you closer," I breathe in his ear as he's kissing my jaw.

I run my hands down his back and slide hem under his t-shirt, pulling him flush against me; he doesn't resist this time.

"We need to be careful. I'm trying hard not to lose control, but you need to help me. "

I'm lost. My brain is officially not functioning properly, and the words are out of my mouth before I realize.

"I don't care. Kiss me, Edward."

He crushes his lips on mine, forcefully and it would hurt if the feeling wasn't so amazing. My blood is boiling, my whole body is set on fire. It's pure ecstasy.

I bring my hand to his hair and start pulling at it; I want to be closer to him. I realize that he isn't the one being violent in this kiss; I am. I'm pulling him closer, pressing my mouth against his, sucking on his lip until he opens his mouth slightly and I slip my tongue inside, meeting his.

I'm in heaven, yet still not satisfied. The feel of his tongue caressing mine sends a wave of pleasure to wash over me, but I need more. I need to be his, completely, in every way possible.

His hand travels down my thigh to my knee, hooking my leg on his hip. His hand slowly grazes up my thigh again, over my hip, and continues under my tank top. He's caressing my skin, moving his hand up my side until his thumb reaches the underside of my breast.

I need him so much; I'm completely hypnotized by him.

I'm putting myself in danger by pushing him that way, he could easily lose control and kill me, but I don't want to think about it; all I can do is pull him closer and let him consume me. My life is pointless without him, anyway.

His tongue moves with mine and I whimper, the sound resonating between us.

I feel him grip my side and my hair tighter as an unrestrained growl builds in his chest. The strength of his touch combined with the sound erupting from his chest makes me lose the last shred of carefulness I had. I bring my other leg around his waist and push my heels in his backside as he presses himself between my legs. I can feel him, I feel his erection and I shamelessly grind myself against him.

Again, my mouth opens before my foggy mind can process, and filter, my next words.

"Edward, I want to feel your skin."

I barely feel him move. All I hear is an animalistic grunt and the sound of fabric being torn apart, and a second later he's back on top of me, shirtless.

He lifts my top to reveal my stomach and presses his body against mine. The feel of his cool chest against my burning skin makes me shiver.

I've never felt anything so intense, so consuming. I'm craving his touch, his kiss like I never have before.

Our kiss is desperate, needy, both of us wanting more. Our tongues are battling, our hands roaming all over each other's body.

He brings his mouth to me ear, sucking on my earlobe and I moan.

"My Bella, I love the sounds you're making for me," he whispers, eliciting another whimper from me. Suddenly, he pulls away from me.

"Damn it," he yells, staring at the door.

"What's wrong?"

"Alice is screaming in my head," he seethes, turning his eyes back on me.

"What?"

"She's mad at me for what I was about to do to you, apparently," he explains, slowly calming down.

"Were you hurting me?"

"I don't know, maybe. She wants…no, she ordered me to bring you downstairs, to be sure you're safe. And considering what I have in mind right now, it's probably justified," he murmurs and grazes his teeth down my throat.

My blood reacts instantly to his mouth on my jugular, and my back arches on its own volition. I throw my head back, offering my neck to him, and the low snarl erupting in his chest is disturbed by the loud bang on the door.

"Breakfast!" a high pitched voice chimes from the hallway.

Edward plants a soft, chaste kiss on my lips, and pulls away from me.

"You shouldn't do this to me, Bella. I might have bitten you, a second ago. I really wanted to."

He's kneeling next to me on the bed, sitting on his heels. I can't help but stare at his bare chest, his lean, perfect muscles, his flawless skin, and the trail of hair leading underneath the waistband of his pants.

"Bella? Are you even listening to me?" He asks in mock annoyance.

"Not entirely," I reply teasingly.

"You're supposed to be the one holding me back, not the other way around. I'm the soulless beast, after all," he remarks, and he adds in a sigh, "Please, stop biting your lip."

"I'm sorry. I'll go get ready for breakfast."

I climb out of bed and walk to the bathroom. I hastily get dressed with the clothes I noticed last night Alice left for me.

I join Edward in the room and we head downstairs in silence, both of us smiling idiotically. All the tension accumulated these past few weeks has left us. So many things were said, we both know where we are and where we're headed.

I know I still have to make the biggest decision of my life, and there are probably some hard times coming ahead of us; but I'm floating on a cloud.

I enter the kitchen behind Edward, and the entire Cullen clan is staring at me.

"Bella," Alice yells as she launches herself at me. "It's so good to see you…alive," she adds, throwing Edward a death glare.

"Welcome back home, sweetheart," Esme offers sweetly, pulling me into a hug. It feels so good to see her again, I've really missed her and I take pleasure in her motherly attentions toward me. "You, too, Edward," she continues, holding her arms out to him. He brings her flush against his chest as she strokes his hair affectionately. At this moment, they look like any mother holding her son.

Carlisle takes a step toward me and brings me in his arms, whispering in my ear.

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you so much for bringing him back to us."

I pull back and gasp as I witness the emotion in Carlisle's eyes. They're full of gratitude, of reverence; it leaves me speechless. He swiftly turns his gaze to Edward and they solemnly shake hands in mutual respect and affection.

The stunning blond girl of the family approaches me with a glare that could kill, and for a second I'm not sure whether she's actually happy that I'm here.

"Hi, I'm Rosalie," she says with a small smile, holding her hand out for me to shake. "Nice to meet you, I guess."

"You, too," I answer meekly, slightly intimidated.

"Hi," Emmett says, bringing me into a bear hug. Suddenly I'm lifted off the floor, crushed against his marble chest, and I almost can't breathe. "Welcome to the family, baby sister."

"Put her on the floor, Emmett," Edward scolds protectively.

"Yeah, yeah." Emmett answers as he lets go of me.

I try to get my breathing back, and the last member of the family walks towards me, a reverential smile on his lips.

"Hey, Jasper," I offer shyly.

"Hi, Bella. I'm glad I'm finally allowed to talk to you. Alice wouldn't let me when we were in College."

"Really?"

"It was not time, yet." Alice counters.

"If you say so, Darling," he answers sweetly, pulling her into his arms.

"Alright," Edward interrupts. "Now that you've managed to get us out of my room, maybe you could let her eat in peace."

"Edward's right, we'll see you later, honey," Esme says.

As I sit down at the table in front of the bowl of cereal they prepared for me, they all exit the room.

Edward sits next to me, and looks at me with the same emotion in his eyes I just noticed in Carlisle's.

"Thank you," he breathes.

"For what?"

"For bringing me back to them," he says earnestly. I see so much deference in his gaze, I've never felt so adored, so important in someone's life. I need to tell him that his feelings for his family are mutual.

"That's exactly what Carlisle just said to me."

"Is it? They all adore you, you know. They can't wait for you to be a part of our family," he adds looking at me straight in the eyes.

As much as it warms my heart to be accepted by those people that I care so greatly about, the choice I have to make isn't that simple. I feel safe amongst them, I feel loved, and not only by Edward. And despite all the difficulties, I know I want to stay with them.

But I already have a family.

Being with Edward, like him, a member of the Cullen clan with all that it entails also means saying goodbye to the people I love, forever.

* * *

_**Thanks to those of you who are still here with me. It means a lot to me.**_

_**A big hug to my beta theotherbella, who hasn't given up on me after all this time. I've really missed working with her.**_

_**It wasn't easy getting this chapter done after so many months without writing, so please, please tell me what you think :)**_


	18. The state we're in

**A/N: It's been a while since I last updated, I know, and I'm sorry. But I promised I'd finish this story, so here's the next chapter!**

**Quick reminder of where we were: Edward rescued Bella in Italy and brought her back, they spend time talking about their relationship, and ran into Jacob in a bar. They went back to the Cullens where the whole family gave Bella a warm welcome...**

**Let's see what happens next!**

* * *

**Chapter 17 – The State we're in**

**BPOV**

This past week was undeniably the best week of my entire life.

I was with Edward.

After the series of unexpected and uncontrollable events that occurred since we met, we were finally able to settle down and relish in each other's presence, without any drama shadowing our new found serenity.

The sensations that overcome me, mind and body, when I'm around him never cease to surprise me. I instinctively move closer to him, both our bodies are like magnets. I feel safe and complete whenever I'm in his arms.

Looking back on my life these past few weeks, and even prior to my first encounter with Edward, I can be positive about at least one truth. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I want to spend the rest of my existence with him. Whether I would be leaving or dead is another issue that I still need to reflect on. Actually coming to a decision is more complex. I have to take into account all the consequences, and they're too huge to be taken lightly. I'm struggling not to let myself be blinded by my attraction and my love for Edward.

We've been staying with the rest of the Cullens since our encounter with Jacob a week ago. As much as I'd love for Edward and I to enjoy some privacy, I'm aware of the difficulty it represents for him to control himself around me. He still needs to concentrate on his diet, to train with Emmett and Jasper. They've been helping him a lot, talking and just being there for him, for us. They're taking him hunting tonight, and I'm feeling a little conflicted about that trip.

On one hand, I know how important it is for him to hunt as often as possible in order to never be truly hungry around me. Nevertheless, I have to admit that it bothers me that he won't be able to spend time with him for two days. It'll be the first time in one whole weeksince we arrivedcame back that we'll be separated, and I know I'll miss terribly.

On the other hand, it's becoming increasingly harder for him to be close to me as the days pass. Going hunting tonight also means that he'll be fully satiated when he comes back, thus able to better control himself. I secretly hope that it'll eventually allow us to get closer physically.

Truthfully, it's challenging for him to keep his instincts in check and not let the beast inside of him hurt me. But it's also very difficult for me not to push him too far, and too fast. I'm so enthralled by him, I can't think clearly when I'm with him, and it's getting progressively harder not to touch him, kiss his lips, and let my hands roam all over his perfect skin.

I'm grateful for Alice, because she decided to organize a "girl's night" for the sole purpose of keeping my mind occupied. I wouldn't have time to dwell on how much I miss Edward tonight, and I'm thankful for her thoughtfulness.

Edward is obviously as reluctant to leave me as I am to see him leave. Emmett and Jasper have to physically force him to release me from his embrace and drag him out of the house.

As soon as the boys have left the house, Alice enters Edward's room, closely followed by Rosalie. I stay shocked on the bed where I was resting as I watch them spill on the floor tons of pillows and blankets, a manicure/pedicure set, and a large plate full of cookies. She arranged a sleepover, as if we hadn't already been living in the same house for the past week.

The two beautiful girls stop in the middle of the room, looking at me expectantly. They're both wearing matching satin blue pajamas, and they're visibly waiting for me to say something. I remain silent, mouth agape, completely dumbfounded at their unexpected exuberance. When I don't say anything after a long minute, Rosalie picks up a third identical pajama and throws it right in my face.

"Alright. Come on, put this on and let's begin this nonsense before Alice starts shrieking!" She exclaims, but I can see the tiny smile forming on her lips, as hard as she's visibly trying to conceal it.

"I don't shriek!" Alice retorts in a high pitched voice, and I can't help but burst into laugh.

"You didn't have to do this, you know," I continue as I get my laughter under control, "I can survive one night without Edward," I add in a tone that I intended reassuring. Even to my own ears it doesn't sound too convincing.

"This is absolutely not the reason why we're doing this," Alice replies, her voice still high pitched for some reason. "We just want to spend some time with you. After all, you're part of the family now, and we need to get to know you better," she explains with a sweet smile.

"Yes, that," Rosalie complies, her eyebrow raised teasingly toward Alice. "But more so, I don't allow Alice to drag me into her craziness more than once a year, so she's using you as an excuse to get her way."

I would've never thought vampires actually enjoyed these types of activities. And I'm still astonished to see Alice's behavior amongst her family, and around Edward. When we first met back in college, she usually looked sad, tormented, hurt. I know now that it was because of Edward's departure. My time with the Cullens allowed me to discover a new, different Alice. She's always smiling and bouncing everywhere. I never would've imagined she could be so enthusiastic about everything. And her happiness is a result of Edward's return.

"You do this once a year?" I ask, not hiding my surprise. I also wonder whether they were having these cheerful moments during Edward's absence.

"Yes," Rosalie answers in a sigh, "it's part of our family traditions. There're birthdays, Christmas, and Alice's pretend-sleepover- party. And when you've lived as long as I have, once a year is a lot!" She pretends to be annoyed by her sister's plans, but I can tell that she actually enjoys it. And she seems to enjoy even more playing with Alice's nerves. Her fake irritated face turns into a mischievous grin as she looks at me.

"You better get used to it," she adds solemnly. Right then, she made me a part of their family.

I grab the pajamas Rosalie threw at me and quickly go to the bathroom to change. When I walk back into the room, I notice the girls took my pillows and blanket and have set up camp on the floor. I sit down next to them as Alice is organizing her various nail polish bottles by color. Rosalie sighs and shifts on the blanket so that she faces me. She wears a serious expression on her perfect face, and I can't determine whether she's truly serious, or only pretending for the fun of it.

"If we're going to be family…" she starts gravely, but Alice yells, startling us both.

"We are!" She interrupts without looking up.

"Yes," she concedes, annoyed. "_Since_ we are family, now," she starts again in an exaggerated tone, "I want to be honest with you." She pauses for a second, looking at me straight in the eye. "I don't understand you. So you're going to have to explain it to me."

"Ok," I answer hesitantly. The feeling I had when I first met her several days ago comes back in a split second. She's very intimidating and suddenly it seems that she doesn't like me very much. I didn't get the opportunity to spend much time with Edward's siblings this past week, even though we were all living in the same house, their house. I mostly spent my days in Edward's company, in Edward's arms, talking. But they all seemed to be enjoying my presence and they welcomed me warmly, except Rosalie. Without being rude to me, she was always quiet and wearing an unreadable expression on her face. Tonight she seemed more friendly, but now I'm not sure anymore.

Before I can manage to voice another word, she resumes her interrogation.

"You know what we are and you're not afraid of us. You're human, and it doesn't bother you to date a vampire. What's wrong with you?" She asks in a worried tone, and I can see she's not being mean, she's simply puzzled.

"Just so you know," Alice interrupts again as she's finished with her nail polish and fully engaged on the conversation, "right there is Rose actually being nice," she adds reassuringly.

"Ok," I start and take a deep calming breath. "I guess I'm not scared of you because I know I don't have any reason to be. I can feel it. And the truth is, "I continue, "it bothers me that Edward is a vampire, especially considering his previous diet; but I still belong with him."

I speak confidently; I look at her straight in the eyes. It still amazes me a little that I manage to be so self-assured, as it was never a trait of my personality. Not before I met Edward, anyway. Her inability to understand my point of view doesn't make me doubt myself. But my confidence only brings more questions from her.

"You're willing to give up your human life for him, literally to die for him, and to sacrifice your ability of having children?" She inquires skeptically.

"Rose, don't push it," Alice warns gently.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't have the choice. And I can't imagine that if I had, I would have decided to be a vampire," she retorts, no longer looking at me but at her sister.

"It's ok, Alice," I intervene. "I can explain, I think. Rosalie, I haven't made up my mind about this yet, about sacrificing my human life. Even though I've been thinking about it a lot these past days, I'm still undecided. You're right, this is a serious decision to make, and even considering it is…I can't even find a word to describe it. Nevertheless, the difference between your situation and mine isn't that you were dying and didn't have a choice when I do. The difference is that you met Emmett when you were already a vampire."

"What do you mean?" She asks, furrowing her perfectly shaped brows.

"If you had the choice now, if you could be human again and have children, but not with Emmett, what would you choose?"

"She's good," Alice whispers cheerfully, as Rosalie keeps her stare on me, not answering. So I just explain further.

"Imagine yourself being pregnant, playing with your child in the park. But it wouldn't be Emmett's child, he wouldn't grow old with you, and when you're dead, he would spend the rest of eternity mourning you. If you could choose that life, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't," she answers solemnly as soon as I finish my sentence.

Alice is immobile next to us, clutching one of the pillows close to her chest, her face distorted in sadness.

"There's nothing in the world that could make me give up Jasper, I can't even imagine it. I understand why you're willing to abandon everything for Edward, or at least considering it."

"It's still hard to imagine saying goodbye to my father. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to take that final step," I conclude sincerely. It's easy to talk to them, to confess my feelings and my doubts. I feel a similar sense of security with them as I do with Edward or Carlisle. The type of safety I never felt with anyone else, neither my friends nor my father.

"You have time, you don't have to decide for now," Alice reassures me, knowing that this subject is upsetting to me.

"Alice, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, ask me anything."

"What did you see in your vision? And why doesn't Edward want to know?"

She shifts uncomfortably on the blanket, wrinkling her nose slightly. My question is clearly embarrassing her.

"Ok, maybe not 'anything'," she laughs, smiling apologetically.

"Please, tell me. And you're the one who came to me, talking about that vision in the first place," I counter playfully. I don't want to force her to talk to me, although I'm really curious about what she saw. And some part of me hopes knowing what future she saw for me will help me decide which future I want to choose for myself.

"Alright. First you need to know that my visions can change, if the decisions people are making change. The fact that I see it doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. Concerning Edward, I think he's afraid to hope and be disappointed if it doesn't come true. So he'd rather not know," she explains, her voice turning sad as she mentions Edward's pain.

"But you had the vision before we even met. I never decided anything," I say, and it sounds like a question.

"I guess you were meant to meet at some point. But the vision could change depending on the path you'll follow."

"Or maybe you had the vision so that you could make them meet…" Rosalie adds in an uncharacteristically cheerful tone. She's evidently making fun of Alice and smiles at me as I laugh quietly.

"Yes…I like that!" She exclaims clapping her hands, ignoring Rosalie's teasing completely.

"You say your vision could still change, meaning it hasn't come true yet. You didn't only see Edward coming back to you, or me dating him as a human. You saw me as a vampire, didn't you?" I inquire, not wanted to drop the subject until I have my answers.

"Bella, I don't want to influence you. I shouldn't tell you this," her cheeriness disappears as she's back to being uncomfortable again.

"I need to know, Alice," I plead.

"You're asking the questions but you already know the answers. No matter what I saw, you already know what you should do and what you want to do. And correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing that's stopping you is how painful it's going to be for you to get there, whether it's saying goodbye to your father, or to Edward," she retorts in a rush, looking into my eyes with a defiant stare, daring me to contradict her. And honestly, I can't.

"Ok," Rosalie interrupts, "this conversation is way too heavy for a girls' night. We were supposed to talk about hair, nail polish and boys," she whines playfully, effectively diffusing the tension in the room.

"I don't know much about hair and nail polish," I state apologetically.

"Alright, let's talk about boys, then," Alice replies, in what I distinguish now is her natural exuberance.

"You know, we've never seen Edward this happy and relaxed in…well, ever! It makes us wonder what you're doing to him," Rosalie winks at me, and I answer immediately, the words out of my mouth before I can control them.

"Nothing, actually, I can't even touch him! He's afraid he might break me or something."

They both look at me with wide eyes for a split second and then burst out laughing. Their melodic crystal laughs are so contagious, I don't even feel embarrassed by my inappropriate admission and start laughing too.

"He easily could," Rosalie comments as we all calm down.

"Jasper told me the frustration the two of you are feeling is unbearable," Alice adds.

"It is. I know he just wants to protect me, but it's really annoying that he has to push me away every time it gets…" I leave my sentence unfinished as I struggle to find the appropriate word. The embarrassment I should have felt moments ago slowly starts kicking in as I become aware that I'm confessing this personal aspect of my relationship with Edward to his sisters, although they're not actually related. But they don't seems to be feel uncomfortable, as Rosalie finds the right term to finish my sentence, arching her eyebrow.

"…interesting?"

We all start giggling again. I realize how easy, how effortless it is for me to talk to these girls about such personal things. I used to be so uncomfortable with Jessica or Angela, but with Alice and Rosalie, it feels natural. Once more I feel safe, even emotionally, as if I were with my family. They treat me like their sister, and in more ways than one that's what they are to me.

We keep talking and laughing and eating cookies. They tell me stories about their decades together; and divulge details of their relationships with Emmett and Jasper. I can see them trying not to make me feel jealous of the physical connection they have with their men, but instead give me advice on how to handle Edward, as Rosalie delicately put it, instigating another fit of laughter from Alice and me. Hours pass and I eventually fall asleep.

* * *

I wake up early the next morning alone in my bed and the floor has been cleared of all the reminders of last night. The girls are gone, as well as the blankets, pillows, and the nail polish Alice had brought, which we didn't even get around to because we were too absorbed in our boy-conversation.

Before I even get out of bed, I check my cell phone and smile as I see that Edward has sent me a text.

_My angel, I miss you very much. I resent hate being so far away from you. I will be home tonight and I can't wait to hold you in my arms. Edward_

I quickly type a reply with a huge smile set on my lips.

_I miss you too…although spending the night talking to your sisters has been a lot of fun! I can't wait to be safe in your arms. Your angel_

I hastily take a shower and get dressed before I head downstairs to the kitchen. No one is there but some cookies have been left on the table for me. I only eat one as I'm not really hungry and walk to the library, hoping to find any member of the family to inform them I'll be leaving the house for the day.

I push the door open and as I thought, Carlisle is sitting on one of the couches, reading.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Bella. You're up early today," he greets me with a sweet smile.

"Yes, I usually visit my father on Sunday. From Seattle it's a three hour drive, and I'd like to be back when Edward gets home."

"Edward will kill me if I let you drive there by yourself."

"I'll drive her!" Alice sings as she enters the library. "Your car is in Port Angeles, anyway."

"I was wondering if I could borrow Edward's car," I try to counter unconvincingly.

"No. You don't need to, since I'm driving you," she states firmly.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" I ask rhetorically; I already know the answer, there's no point in arguing.

"I don't think you do," Carlisle laughs softly. "Bella, we never had a chance to talk since we came back from Italy, but I want you to know that I'm very grateful for what you did for our family," he continues, his voice filled with emotion.

"We all are," Alice adds.

"For all of us, you're part of this family, we all love you very much." He moves from the couch and walks to me, putting his hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes. "I promise that I'll protect you and take care of you as if you were my own daughter, no matter whether you choose to become like us, one of us. Because for us you already are."

"Carlisle, you're making her cry," Alice admonishes softly, as I fight hard not to let the tears roll down my cheeks. He's seen me cry too many times. But unlike before, those are tears of relief, of happiness.

"The choice to be Edward's mate for eternity is your own, and I don't want to intervene. Nevertheless, I can tell you that it would be my great pleasure…"

"Our great pleasure…" Alice corrects.

"…if you choose to join us, and be a member of the Cullen clan for the centuries to come."

Tears are pouring freely and my throat is so tight I can't speak. Instead, I just close my eyes and throw myself in Carlisle's arms. He holds me close to him, one hand on the back of my head, cradling me. I swallow hard and force myself to pronounce the words I need to say; the truth.

"I would be honored to be a member of the Cullen family, to be your daughter. Your already feel like a father to me," I confess shakily.

He holds me even tighter before letting go of me, and wipes the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. Alice grabs me by the wrist and drags me out of the room.

"Enough with all the drama, already. We love her, she loves us, we love each other…can we go, now?" She sighs exaggeratedly, but as I look at her eyes, I notice they're full of unshed tears too.

She doesn't let go of my wrist until we're in front of her amazing yellow Porsche, and I'm still trying to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"Come on, get in. We need to hurry if you want to be back early." She gives me the sweetest smile I've ever seen; the knowing smile of a girl longing to be in her boyfriend's arms. And in a split second, the prospect of seeing Edward tonight puts a grin on my saddened face.

I get in the car and she starts driving. I thought Edward usually drove fast, but it's nothing compared to Alice. She decides to head south in the direction of Olympia and go round the Olympic Forest, only to avoid taking the ferry. Apparently, according to Alice, ferries are too slow.

I can't really contradict her when we arrive not even three hours later in Forks, unexpectedly safe and sound.

Alice finally parks her car in front of Charlie's house, and I hesitate, my hand on the door handle.

She senses my uncertainty and turns to me worriedly.

"Do you want me to come in there with you? I assumed you'd want to see your father alone; but if you'd like I can accompany you," she offers thoughtfully.

"No, thanks, I can handle this," I answer in a whisper.

Suddenly, I realize that if I should choose to become Edward's mate for the rest of eternity, I'll have to be in a similar position, sooner or later. I'll come here, spend the day with my father, try to reassure him and prepare him to the possibility of never seeing me, ever again. I'll have to come up with a good excuse to move away from him, enough so that I won't be able to visit him as often, if ever.

I don't know whether I'm ready yet; whether I'll ever be. I didn't have enough time to dwell on the thought, even if Edward told me almost immediately that he wished I would agree to spend the rest of eternity by his side. So much has happened in between, I never really thought I would have to make that decision; certainly not so quickly.

Of course Alice notices that something is troubling me, and she's obviously waiting for me to share my predicament.

"Alice, I'm lost," I state as I turn to look at her. For once, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I have no control over my own life, and that I'm utterly clueless as to what I'm supposed to decide.

"I know, Bella," she sighs. "A lot has happened, I understand. What exactly has you worried like that? I mean, you're visiting your father, you should be happy to see him. What's bothering you?"

"I was just thinking that if I accept Edward's proposal to change me, I'd have to say goodbye. It would be just like today, like right now, except I'd never see Charlie again, ever," I mutter. Surprisingly, tears aren't welling up in my eyes, my throat doesn't tighten. Saying it out loud is easier than I thought. The problem is, I don't know if it is so because I'm slowly making my peace with the idea, or because I know that I'll never take that step.

"You don't have to decide for now, and it shouldn't worry you that much. Edward can wait, and he will. He will be there with you until you die, if you never make the decision."

"I know," I answer with a sigh, because I really do. Maybe I only needed to hear it.

"Just go and spend some time with your dad, Bella. Everything will be fine."

I take a deep breath and finally get out of the car, knowing that I have all the time I want to think this through and prepare myself, should I decide to move on from this life to something entirely different, something eternal.

I walk inside the house, putting aside anything other than visiting my father.

"Hey, Bells, is that you?" Charlie shouts from the living room.

"Yes, hi Dad!" I yell back, forcing my voice into a cheerful tone.

Charlie is evidently really happy to see me, and I am too. We decide to go out and eat at the diner, both feeling safe in our little Sunday ritual. We spend our meal talking casually, just like we used to before Edward came into my life.

I can see that he's reassured that I'm not as distant as I've been for the past few weeks. And it feels good to be with him, too.

We get back to his house, and as soon as we enter the living room, he sits on the couch and lets out a long sigh, looking down at his feet. He seems upset.

"Something wrong, dad?"

"No, but there's something I need to talk to you about," he answers in a serious voice.

I sit down in the chair in front of him, wondering what seems to bother him. We were never the type to have big conversations, and today was rather light spirited. His change of mood takes me by surprise.

"Tell me," I offer hesitantly, suddenly not sure I want to hear it. Today was pleasantly undemanding, and I wish we could keep it that way.

"Jake told me he ran into you in Seattle," he says simply, waiting for me to react.

"Oh, come on!" I yell as I jump from my seat. Of all the subjects I don't want to broach, Jacob has to be the worst. "I don't want to talk about this and justify anything that did or didn't happen that night."

"Don't get mad, Bella," he replies apologetically. The glint of shock in his eyes makes me realize that I never raised my voice to him, not once. My new-found self-confidence has him dumbfounded, but it isn't enough to calm me down. Not if it concerns Jacob.

"Of course I'm mad. How couldn't I be?"

"He only asked me to tell you he was sorry for how he behaved, without actually telling me what happened. He said he didn't want to bother you, that he had done enough, so he wasn't going to contact you. But he wanted you to know that he feels bad and he apologizes," he explains in a rush, probably to keep me from interrupting.

"Really?" I ask skeptically. My first instinct is to believe this is only a manipulative move from Jake, but Charlie seems to think he was really sincere.

"Yes, really!"

"Ok, then I appreciate it, I guess," I mutter repentantly as I sit back down on the chair, smiling lightly at him.

We sit in an awkward silence for a moment before Charlie clears his throat and turns to the TV.

I lie back comfortably in my chair, and take a good look around. I'm in the house where I grew up; my home, with my father. Everything is peaceful and familiar. Even with my outburst a few minutes ago, things are the way they always were with Charlie; simple.

And at this very second, I see things clearly for the first time it seems. My decision is made.

About an hour later, I say goodbye to my father and head back to the car. Alice is in the driver's seat, waiting for me. As I sit down next to her, I notice worry visibly clouding her beautiful golden eyes. She's about to start speaking, but I interrupt her.

"I know you saw I made a decision. I don't want to talk about it now. Please," I state firmly, looking at her straight in the eye.

Surprise flashes in her eyes, but she just nods and turns on the engine. We spend the entire drive back to Seattle in complete silence. It's the first time I see Alice keep quiet for such a long time, and I'm actually impressed that she would grant me my wish.

As soon as she's parked in front of their house, she turns to me.

"Edward's back. He will probably see what's in my mind, my vision. I suppose you want me to hide it from him until you can discuss it with him," she asks sweetly, worry still evident in her gaze, as well as her tone.

"Yes, thanks Alice," I simply answer, not bothering to try reassuring her. I know it would be useless at this point.

* * *

**EPOV**

Our hunting trip lasted for an entire day, which isn't that long in and of itself. But an entire day away from Bella is excruciating. I miss her very much, even though my brothers have helped a lot in keeping my mind occupied. The trip has been rather entertaining, to be honest. But now I'm pacing in the living room, impatiently waiting for Alice to bring my angel back to me.

I hear my sister's car park in the driveway, as does the rest of the family, and they all join me. The two girls get out of the car and enter the house without saying a word. Even though I'm concentrated on Bella's breathing, my brain still registers the flow of forced thoughts bouncing in Alice's mind. As soon as they enter the room, the vision of my Bella, looking so stressed and torn, erases any other concern I had a second ago. I walk swiftly to her and pull her in my arms.

"I've missed you," I whisper in her ear, holding her as tight as I can without hurting her.

"I've missed you too," she answers softly, before pulling away slightly to look into my eyes. "Edward, could we go somewhere…private. I need to talk to you about today."

I don't understand her mood. She was fine when I left; she also seemed to be fine when she texted me this morning. I wonder what happened during her visit to her father that could alter her mood in such a drastic way.

Instinctively, before I can even think about it, my head turns to Alice. I'm trying to see in her mind what happened today that she would need to talk to me about. But I can't see anything.

"Why is Alice hiding from me?" I ask, unable to conceal the worry in my voice.

"Because if you want to know something, I'd rather you'd hear it from me directly!" She snaps. I stare at her, shocked. It's been a while since she last raised her voice to me, challenged me. I never thought she would dare in front of my entire family, in a room full of evil creatures. I'm still amazed at how serene she is among us. And I'm not the only one appreciating her strength.

"I definitely like this girl!" Rosalie exclaims in a laugh.

I never pull my gaze away from Bella's brown stare, and I notice the playful glint flashing in her eyes at Rosalie's comment. But her reproachful expression returns in a split second, and I need to apologize because her animated reaction is justified.

"I'm sorry, old habits," I whisper softly as I bring my lips back to her ear. "Let's go back to my place."

I can feel that Jasper isn't comfortable with the idea, I see in his mind that Alice isn't either. But I push back all those feelings assailing me, and focus only on Bella. She needs me, she asked for me; and I'm offering her all I have, putting her demands first, despite everyone else's worries.

Before Bella has a chance to answer, or any member of my family to interject; I lift her off the floor and carry her, too fast for her to even register.

I put her down in front of my car and let her sit in the passenger seat as I move to the other side of the car. She doesn't seem nervous; rather determined. I can't help but think it's related to this terrible decision she has to make. It has to be. Nothing else happened, and she visited her father, the very man she'd have to abandon if she chose to accept my proposal.

My entire body aches as I become aware that I have no clue as to what she must have decided. I can't assert with certainty that she'll choose an eternal life with me. And it scares the hell out of me.

I drive as fast as I can and pick her up as soon as we're out of the car. I need her to talk immediately; I can't lose another five minutes in the elevator. I run to my apartment and release her only once we're inside.

She takes a seat on the couch, her eyes never leaving me. She isn't avoiding me, my interrogating gaze. Determined.

I sit down on the coffee table in front of her, and for a second it reminds me of the night I brought her here, the night she discovered what I am. And how she held my hand and wouldn't let go. My throat tightens; I hope she still won't let go this time.

She keeps looking at me, visibly attempting to decipher the emotions crossing my features. But I want her to talk to me.

"What happened today, Bella? Obviously you have something on your mind. Please, tell me what's troubling you," I beg her with a trembling voice.

She takes a deep breath, evidently stealing herself for the words she has to utter, her eyes locked on mine. She seems so serene, so strong. She's beautiful. But I don't understand the reasons for her calm. Whatever choice she made, I assumed she'd be devastated; whether concerning her father, or me. The idea of pouncing on her right now and making her mine crosses my mind. If I turned her before she could refuse me, I wouldn't lose her.

But it's only a flash in my head. I would never deprive her of her humanity without her consent. I might be selfish enough to consider it, but I love her too much to act on it.

After a few seconds, she finally starts talking.

"Edward, I love you, but I don't like the way things are," she begins in a controlled, cold tone of voice. My quiet heart drops and I fight to keep the painful cry from escaping my throat. I'm losing her.

"I went to visit my father today, and I realized my decision was already made," she continues, and I remain silent until she's finished. "I was in my old house, with my father. Everything there is simple, quiet. When I'm with you, it's complicated, dangerous. And I'm tired."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. My distress must have been obvious on my face, because she slide down from the couch to her knees. She's in front of me on the floor, her beautiful brown eyes never leaving mine. She lifts her hand to my jaw, and a sweet smile graces her perfect lips.

"Edward, I'm yours," she laughs softly.

"I don't understand…" I mutter, taken aback, and I search her eyes frantically, praying that for once, I might hear her thoughts.

"I'm tired of all the drama. I'm tired of being afraid that Demetri, or any other Volturi will come and take me back there or hurt you. I want a home, a simple life that doesn't include looking over my shoulder all the time and living in fear. Ideally, I'd want that with you."

She pauses for a second, and hope is filling my entire being. It seems she's agreeing to be turned, but I don't want to believe until she has said the exact words. So I let her continue.

"But more importantly, I'm tired that every time I want to be closer to you, you have to push me away. Edward, I'm exhausted. I can't live like that."

"Bella, what are you saying?" I ask breathlessly. If indeed I understand the meanings of her words correctly, I'm the happiest man alive, so to speak. And it's taking all my strength not to make her mine right here and now.

"Look into my eyes; what do you see?" She inquires as she moves closer to me. Her knees are between my feet, her face aligned with mine, and she puts her hands delicately on my thighs. She's playing with fire, and I know exactly what I see in her eyes.

"I notice two different things. First, love, but I never doubted that. And second, strength and determination. It reminds me of a few weeks ago, in your kitchen, when you forced me to answer your questions. You were fierce, and beautiful. That is what I see in your eyes right now."

Her smile grows wider and a glint of victory flashes in her stare.

"I made my decision. I don't want to be weak; I don't want to be afraid. And I don't want to have to be careful with you. I never was; not when I yelled at you and pushed you, not when I slept here the night I saw you feed. I trust you, and I don't want to stay away from you anymore."

The last words are only a murmur as she pushes her body against mine. Her hands slide up my thighs painfully slowly, and she grazes her lips along my jaw to my earlobe, before lightly biting it.

"Bella…" I breathe. My hands are gripping the side of the table so tightly, I'm almost crumpling it.

"Edward, I won't let you push me away again," she counters almost threateningly. "If you want me forever, you're going to have to show me; but I can't wait for the right time, the right place, the right context."

The resolve in her voice is enthralling. I can feel her body catching fire, and I'm on the edge of losing control. I pull back just enough to see her eyes, and they're challenging me, daring me to refuse her what she demanded. She's mesmerizing, intoxicating, and I'm hers completely. No matter the consequences, I'll grant her anything she asks for. But first I need to hear it.

I release my grip on the table and swiftly snake one arm around her waist, holding her close to me. My other hand moves to her hair and a grab it firmly, slightly pulling. The little gasp of surprise tainted with pain escaping her lips is the most arousing sound I've ever heard.

"Bella, that decision you've made, I want you to say it. Out loud," I growl as my lips are ghosting over hers. My voice is commanding, not that she would resist me, anyway.

She's there, finally, my little angelic prey. She's trapped in my arms, no one but me can have her. And she's about to give herself to me.

"Edward, I'm entirely and irrevocably yours," she whispers against my lips, her breathing ragged. "Take me."

* * *

**A/N: Again, I'm really very sorry that it took me so long to update. My life is a mess!**

**Thank you so much to all of you who are still here with me, waiting patiently for the next chapter. It amazes me that you haven't given up on me already! I love you so much!**

**Thanks to my awesome beta theotherbella, who's still with me on this. She's so great!**

**And a special thanks to blb1000 who is so supportive and I love her for encouraging me so much. 3**

**This story is slowly coming to an end, please stick around for a little longer, I always promised I'd finish this, and I will. **

**Please review and tell me what you think!**


	19. Surrender

**Chapter 18 – Surrender**

**EPOV**

She's there, finally, my angelic little prey. She's trapped in my arms, no one but me can have her. And she's about to give herself to me.

"Edward, I'm entirely and irrevocably yours," she whispers against my lips, her breathing ragged. "Take me."

I snap.

After weeks of struggling to contain the beast inside me, weeks of fighting against myself in order to protect her, I lose control. I tried so hard to keep her safe, to keep her heart beating; but her delicious, soft, warm skin is now defeating me. I can't control myself any longer, I have to take her, have her. I need to taste her skin, her lips.

Fulfilling my deepest desire ignites my entire body, and a loud feral snarl erupts from my chest. In the confines of my consciousness, some part of me fears that I might I have scared her. But her lips curl up at the corners in a vicious way.

I didn't lose control, she took it. She's been pushing for days, and tonight she won.

I unleash the beast; I let myself act on instinct with her for the first time. Both parts of me are finally united; the man who's madly in love with her, and the animal who wants to devour her.

I'm now the predator I've been restraining for so long. Every cell in my body is awakening; my senses sharpening, and fully concentrated on her. I hear the air filling her lungs as she breathes, the blood rushing through her veins as her heart gallops without skipping a beat. I see the goose bumps and the faint blush gracing her skin; and I'm aware of every tiny part of her body, burning with desire. I'm the most dangerous predator in the world, I know my prey, and exactly what will conquer her.

I don't take my time, I can't be gentle anymore. I keep her firmly against me to lift her off the floor and turn around, slamming her back on the large coffee table where I was sitting a second ago. I have her trapped under me, her wrists pinned above her head with my hands, and the little gasp that escapes her lips tells me she likes it as much as I do.

My body is pressed against hers, and I finally kiss her; savagely, brutally; the way I've wanted to kiss her for weeks. My mouth is assaulting hers, my tongue sliding between her lips forcefully until it meets hers, and she's as frantic in her kiss as I am.

I release her lips and stare into her eyes; her brown gaze is hooded with lust,and she's panting, the expression on her face desperately begging me.

"I won't be able to stop," I warn her in a throaty voice, my eyes boring into hers. Some distant part of my conscience wants me to give her the chance to stop me; but I know it's already too late. I won't let her escape me, even if she asked me to.

But she doesn't. She just licks her delicious lips and her lustful stare tells me she's desperate for more, too. For the first time since we met, I don't care about hurting her; and strangely, I know I'm not.

I crush my lips to hers and she pushes her tongue into my mouth, arching her chest so that she's pressing her body against me. I release her wrists and she immediately tangles her fingers in my hair, pulling at it and scraping my head with her nails. She's pulling me even closer to her, kissing me as hard as I'm kissing her.

I move my hand to her waist, sliding it under her shirt, stroking her skin. She's so warm, her entire body feels like it's burning up. I can feel the heat emanating from her, all of her, and it's driving me insane. I want to feel more, I want to feel her warmth on my skin, on my body, around me.

As my hand travels down her hip, her thigh, to her knee, she instinctively lifts her legs to circle my waist. Her heels are pushing on my backside; she wants me closer, she wants to feel me. The sight of her squirming, begging body is provoking all my senses. I'm overwhelmed by her sexual magnetism, and I vehemently push my erection between her legs.

The husky moan escaping her as she bites my lower lip elicits an uncontrollable beastly reaction in me. In a ferocious growl, I grind my hips to hers even more forcefully and grab her hair as I drive all my strength through my other hand, crashing my fist into the table next to her waist. The wood splinters under us and the table collapses, leaving us sprawled over the wooden pieces.

Bella lets out a small cry but keeps writhing under me, her sensual body oozing desire and lust. I can't stop touching her, kissing her. I want to devour her. The scent emanating from her skin is excruciatingly enthralling. The intoxicating smell of her blood mixed with her arousal is debilitating. I need to taste her, all of her.

I remove my lips from hers and start kissing and licking her jaw, her ear. I take her earlobe into my mouth, sucking it and grazing it with my teeth. She's moaning again pushing harder with her heels, and I grind against her shamelessly.

I hungrily move lower; I lick the spot just under her ear, continue down to her neck as she pulls at my hair, surrendering completely into my arms. She turns her head to the side, offering me what I crave. I crush my lips to her skin, licking and nibbling. I feel her vein pulsing against my mouth. Her blood is begging me to let it flow, imploring me, and my throat is agonizing, scorching with thirst. My entire body is vibrating in anticipation and I can feel hers is too. All I'd have to do is sink my teeth into her, and I would finally be sated. But I don't. Not yet.

I want so much more than just her blood. I want to feel her warmth against my body; I want to feel her skin. I want to be inside of her.

I grab her tiny body tightly and lift her off the remnants of the table. In a flash I cross the room and shove her roughly against the wall, eliciting another whimper. Her feet are back on the floor, her hands roaming over my chest as she starts to unbutton my shirt.

I snatch her hands away and pin them at her sides, bending down to whisper in her ear.

"You aren't fast enough," I groan as I pull away slightly and rip my shirt off.

Her hands immediately go back to my chest; and I put mine on her tiny waist, digging my fingertips into her soft flesh. I move my right hand to her hair, pulling at it so that she's looking up into my eyes. The small sensual smile and the triumphant glint in her eyes never leave her features. I'm towering over her, but she doesn't seem fragile and helpless anymore. She's fierce, strong, yet submissive and dominated at the same time. She's absolutely tantalizing.

She caresses my bare chest until she reaches my belt, never taking her gaze away from mine, but stops abruptly. She puts her hands back against the wall, teasing me, and giving me complete control. I slam my body against hers, pulling her into a frantic kiss and crushing her against the wall as a deep rumble resonates in my chest. I'm losing it. The sight of her at my mercy, surrendering to me, submitting to me, is driving me wild.

I pull away again and let out an animalistic growl as I tear our clothes apart. In less than a second we're both in our underwear. I grab her butt and brutally lift her off the floor, her back hitting the wall as she moans lustfully. I capture her lips between mine as she wraps her legs around my waist, digging her nails in my scalp.

Without releasing her, I quickly walk to my bedroom and throw her down on the bed.

She's lying on her back again, and I'm hovering over her. I look at her body sprawled under me, her luscious curves, her porcelain skin; and I see her doing the same.

She's watching me with a carnal smile gracing her voluptuous lips, the look in her eyes obscene, and I can't stand not touching her for another second.

I swiftly reach behind her back and unclasp her bra, revealing her perfect breasts. I'm about to pounce on her again but I repress the urge until I can see all of her.

I let my hand roam over her chest, her perky breasts, the smooth skin of her stomach. I watch in hunger her frail body squirm under my touch as she clutching my shoulders, trying to pull me closer. I move my hand to her hip and hook my fingers in her panties. She moans and writhes under me, desperate for me to touch her there.

My body is trembling, my muscles are taut. She spreads her legs wider and I feel like I'm going to burst into flames.

I tear her underwear apart as well as mine and I'm back on top of her, my skin against hers, my mouth on hers. I can feel her; her warmth, her wetness. Our hands are roaming all over each other's body, yet it doesn't seem to be enough. I've never felt anything so intense. Her skin is burning against mine, her heart palpitating, so fast. Her blood is pulsating through her entire body, her breathing is frantic. She moans into my mouth again and I can't take it anymore.

"I need to be inside you," I growl against her lips. "I'm going to make you mine."

I look into her dazzling brown eyes, and in one hard thrust I'm buried inside of her. The intensity of her stare is overpowering. I feel her around me; her body is mine, and I'm hers.

I'm in heaven.

I move briskly inside of her, kissing her avidly. I lick her soft skin, running my hands over her breasts and pinching her nipples. The little moans and whimpers she's making are urging me on, and my pace quickens. I can't control my body, I feel like I'm under a spell, her spell.

She pushes her heels in my butt again, taking me deeper inside her. I move faster and faster, roughly pounding into her as she cries out in pleasure, her voice covering the sound of the bed banging loudly against the wall.

She unwraps her legs from my waist and pushes her feet against the mattress, lifting her hips to meet my every thrust. Her nails are digging in my back while I push into her. My lips are kissing everywhere; her mouth, her jaw … her neck.

A low rumble escapes my throat; I grab a fistful of her hair and roughly pull her head to the side, licking the soft skin of her neck. I feel her blood flowing, I can almost taste it. I want to taste it.

I move in and out of her, slamming into her ferociously until I feel her walls clamping around me, her nails scratching my back; until she screams my name in pleasure.

Her entire body is exploding, her blood is boiling, her skin is burning against mine. Her scent is too intoxicating in her orgasm, I can't resist it.

I keep thrusting into her as I open my mouth wider and sink my teeth into her throat. I can finally taste what I've been craving, and it surpasses everything I could imagine. Her delicious blood spills from her neck, so warm, so delicious. It flows into my mouth and I let it pour down my throat, finally quenching my aching thirst.

My body is craving for more, it's pure ecstasy. I snake one arm around her waist as she's riding her waves of pleasure, holding her body close to mine. The smell of her blood is nothing compared to its taste; so delectable, I've never experienced anything as satisfying as this. I feel the warm liquid run down my throat and ignite my entire being. I was suffocating for years and I'm finally breathing. Every tiny part of my body sets on fire and I'm overcome by a surge of heat. I feel my muscles tense and the pleasure overwhelm me. One last thrust and I come inside of her; the heat deliciously burning me from the inside out.

The sensation is so intense that I barely find the strength to release her neck, and my death grip on her hair, as her body slowly relaxes under me.

**BPOV**

A light tingling sensation is running along my spine; a faint electric currant. It feels like a feather is ghosting over my naked back. I move slightly while still resting on my stomach, slowly coming out of my sleep, my brain trying to figure out what's causing the feeling. The feather moves higher on my back, to my neck, and I recognize Edward's fingers tangling in my hair. I sigh contentedly, and turn to my side, instantly welcomed in his strong arms.

Memories of last night come rushing back to me as my naked body comes in contact with his bare skin. Edward's hands on my body, everywhere, and his lips on mine, his teeth on my skin.

I instinctively grab my throat, searching for a mark, and I can feel a little scar along my jugular. I gasp in surprise. For a second I wasn't sure whether my mind had imagined the whole scene, or whether it actually happened. But it did. Edward bit me. He made me his, in every way he could.

I hear him laugh quietly and I lift my eyes to his face.

"Good morning my angel," he says with the most dazzling smile I've seen him wear. His eyes are sparkling, evidently very proud, victorious.

"You bit me," I state simply, as if saying it out loud would make it even more real.

"I did," he answers smugly.

I smile at him, relishing in the tenderness of his embrace and the adoration in his gaze. He seems so different from last night. He was feral, rough; and now he's back to his usual gentleness.

He softly traces his fingers up and down my arms, and a hint of desire crosses his features.

"Bella, do you have any idea what you've triggered in me last night?" He whispers teasingly, ghosting his lips over my cheek.

"Enlighten me," I breathe, the smallest of touches igniting my desire for him. Even more so since last night.

"I used to be so afraid that I might hurt you, I was so careful," he explains as he leaves small kisses on my jaw, the teasing evident in his tone. "But now that I know I can be gentle enough; now that I know what it feels like to have your naked body in my hands, to be inside of you, to taste you…I may never let you leave my bed."

"You were anything but gentle," I snicker.

"It's your fault, you tricked me," he counters playfully. "But I didn't hurt you," he adds more seriously, and it's not a question.

He knows he didn't hurt me. I could feel it when I was in his arms; I trusted him completely, and I could sense that he knew exactly what he was doing, how far he could go with me. He has more than enough strength to physically hurt me; but as brutal as he was, I never doubted for a second that he would.

It is true that I tricked him; I pushed him, I didn't leave him any choice. It seems that he went further that he ever wanted to without it being planned; yet he was able to contain himself from hurting me, for killing me, from...

I've been in such bliss since I woke up, it didn't occur to me that something I was expecting last night didn't happen. It felt so good to wake up in his arms, to feel his body next to mine; I didn't even think about it, I didn't realize. But now it hits me.

I feel fine. Even more than that; truthfully, I feel very good, and it doesn't make any sense to me at this moment. I feel warm, my heart is beating in my chest, and I'm breathing. I'm still human.

He probably notices my confusion; he brows furrow and he looks at me apprehensively, now.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" He asks worriedly.

"No, you didn't," I assure him instantly; because even though my whole body is sore, I can't say that he actually hurt me. But I truly thought he would turn me. "It's just…I'm still human," I state, more as a question.

"Yes. And I'm glad you are; for now," he answers as he runs his fingers in my hair affectionately. "I'm glad that I can take you in my arms and feel your body close to mine; that I can see you wake up next to me, completely naked against me," he whispers softly as he traces his finger tips up and down my side.

The hint of disappointment I felt a second ago vanishes instantly, because I agree with him, and I feel the same way. I just sigh in his arms as he keeps talking in the sweetest voice.

"And to be totally honest, I'm actually proud of myself for not killing you," he adds with a laugh.

"I'm kind of proud of you too. I thought you wouldn't able to stop."

"It was a very dangerous thing to do, Bella, pushing me the way you did. I'm glad that I was able to stop before I changed you. I think we should talk about it first," he says sweetly, his hand now caressing my back.

"We talked, more than enough, Edward," I reply, a little annoyed. I don't want to go back to complicated discussions. I've made up my mind.

"I need you to tell me what happened yesterday that made you decide," he pleads, and I can't deny him this explanation. It means too much for both of us.

We both sit up on the bed against the headboard, and I bring up the covers with me to cover myself. He takes my hand in his and entwines our fingers together.

"I understand that you're tired of having to be careful all the time. You said it several times this past week, and I see that every time I had to push you away, it hurt you a little. But what actually happened yesterday that made you decide so fast?"

"Everything that happened yesterday, actually. Not being able to be close to you when you're hungry is unbearable; even more so when you have to leave and I can't even kiss you goodbye," I explain.

"It's unbearable for me too," he admits.

I know it bothers him as much as me, and I think he feels guilty because his evil nature is the thing coming between us.

Or so we thought until last night. But even if we proved to each other that we could be close physically without it being too dangerous for me, it doesn't change my decision. So I keep giving him my reasons.

"It's exhausting, and frustrating; but it's nothing compared to constantly being afraid."

"What are you afraid of?" He interrupts, a shocked expression on his beautiful face. "Are you afraid of me?"

"No, Edward, of course not," I answer soothingly as his smile returns. "I don't think I ever was, actually. But I'm afraid of the Volturi."

"Did something happen?" He inquires as serenely as he can, but I see in his eyes that he's struggling to remain calm.

"No, nothing happened. Nothing new, at least," I joke half-heartedly. "But it could. The mere thought that they're aware of my existence, and that they could come back for me, for you is hard to live with. The days I spent in Italy were the worst experience I ever went through. I don't ever want anything like that to happen again. I don't want to take the chance."

"I'm here to protect you. We all are, you know that, right?" He tries to reassure me as he pulls me closer in his arms.

"You shouldn't have to protect me, Edward. I don't want to worry about them, or anything similar. I don't want to look over my shoulder constantly. I don't want you to have to follow me around when it shouldn't be necessary. I don't want Alice to have to escort me to my father's. I've always been alone, independent, and it's infuriating that I have to be babysit like that," I try to stay calm as I talk, and not sound reproachful. I know none of this is Edward's fault, but it's a direct consequence to what he is, and he would take the blame for all of it.

"I can understand that," he agrees, and there's a hint of sadness in his voice.

"And you said it yourself; it's uncharacteristic for Aro to let us go so easily. If he actually had something in mind, if I'm as special as Carlisle seems to believe, then he will try to bring me back there. I don't want to spend my days waiting for something bad to happen. I just can't."

"I know, Bella. I get it, I really do. But I don't think it's a valid reason for wanting to become a vampire. We're talking about ending your human life, here," he retorts, and I don't understand why he doesn't agree with me, why I need to persuade him that it's the right decision for me.

"Why are you trying to convince me not to, when you're the one who brought it up constantly and incessantly until now?" I ask rather harshly. I'm really annoyed that I have to justify myself.

"Not incessantly. Just," he counters before pausing a second. "Alright, maybe incessantly. I just want you to agree to it for the right reason."

"I do. I love you, that's my reason," I state firmly.

I stop a moment, steeling myself for the last part of my day he needs to know about. I take a deep breath and resume my talking.

"I was with my father yesterday," I start, and he doesn't interrupt me, probably knowing how hard it is for me to talk about it. "We talked, we watched TV. It was so simple, so easy. I told you I want that peace with you; and only with you," I kiss him softly on the lips, and hear him sigh contentedly. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Edward, and the longer it'll be, the better. I can't imagine losing you, being without you. Becoming a vampire is a price I'm willing to pay if it means being with you forever. One lifetime won't be enough."

He watches me carefully; the expression in his eyes a combination of happiness, and worry for me.

"Bella, once I change you, you won't be able to see your father again," he says cautiously. He must know it hurts me to hear it, but he certainly also needs to be sure I'm fully aware of all the consequences.

"I know," I whisper as my throat tightens. "I already said goodbye to him."

* * *

_Previous day at Charlie's_

I lie back comfortably in my chair, and take a good look around. I'm in the house where I grew up; my home, with my father. Everything is peaceful and familiar. Even with my outburst a few minutes ago, things are the way they always were with Charlie; simple.

And at this very second, I see things clearly for the first time it seems. My decision is made.

This is it, the moment I've been dreading for the past week. I never thought it would come so quickly, but I know what I have to do. It's time.

I turn to Charlie and look at him for a long minute without saying a word. He must sense my stare on him, because he eventually looks back at me with a puzzled expression.

"Everything alright, Bells?"

"Yes. I just need to tell you something important," I start, trying to sound confident and serene. I don't want him to worry too much about me, even if I know he will.

"Ok," he simply says, sitting up straight on his chair.

He's there, looking at me, and my throat is tightening. I know I won't be able to keep the tears away.

I need to choose my words carefully, to make it look plausible and positive. Right now I'm not even sure about the story I'm going to tell him. I didn't really think it through, I haven't thought of all the details. And I was never a good liar, I'm afraid he's going to see right through me.

"Dad, I'm making some changes in my life. I need to," I start as evenly as I can manage.

"What are you talking about? Are you ok?" He asks nervously.

"Yes, Dad, I'm fine. More than fine actually. I just…you know how hard the past few years have been for me here," my voice is already cracking, I'm struggling to remain composed, and the suspicious expression on his face isn't helping.

"You went through a lot," he concedes, evidently waiting to see where I'm going with this.

"What happened with Jake, my job, everything…I know that you think I could've dealt with all this differently. And from now on I will," I'm trying to sound reassuring, cheerful even; but I'm failing miserably.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm…moving away. I can't stand it here anymore. Everything reminds me of what happened. I'm not happy here. I want to be, but it feels like I can't get my head out of the water, I can't breathe. I need some air," my words are out of my mouth in a rush, and he clearly doesn't believe me.

"You're leaving Port Angeles?" He asks skeptically. He knows very well that I wouldn't have made that kind of life-changing decision so suddenly, but I need him to believe me, so I continue further in my lie.

"I'm leaving the country; the continent, even. I'm going to France."

"What? For how long?" He asks, his tone growing impatient and upset.

"I don't know yet. I have a little money saved up, I'll travel for a while, and then I'll see," I can't keep my voice even, I'm completely incapable of lying to my father, and especially not in these circumstances.

I know I can't tell him the truth, and for some reason, even if I could, I wouldn't necessarily want him to know. This part of my life, my future with Edward is mine and mine only.

But I'm abandoning him to live my own life, leaving him clueless as to where his daughter is, if she's even fine. He'll never see me again.

I owe him a proper, decent goodbye; not a fake one, filled with lies.

My throat is constricted; I struggle to get another word out, and my eyes are welling up with tears.

"What are you talking about?" He's really upset now, and starts raising his voice. "Bella, you've always been independent and strong, but moving to another country is another thing."

"I know. I just need it," I plead as the tears are blurring my vision. "I'll call you, but not for a while. I need a fresh start, and a clean break from everything here."

"Including your own father?" He asks harshly, worry and hurt overtaking him. It must be hard for him to realize that his own daughter is lying to him shamelessly.

"Including everything," I whisper, unable to control my voice as my chest is crushed under the weight of my actions, and my lower lip is trembling. "I'm sorry, Dad, I know-"

"You don't know anything! I don't believe you!" He yells, making me jump and allowing the tears to roll down freely from my eyes.

I move from my chair to go to him and sit next to him, but as soon as I'm up, he stands from his chair and stops in front of me, towering over me.

He's looking down at me, furious and scared at the same time, like a scolding father. And like a threatening cop.

I never lied to him, I never found myself in a position where I needed to. But right now I do, and I desperately wish he would believe me. I need him to believe me, because I can't possibly tell him the truth.

I also have to take into consideration the fact that he can't look for me. I can't leave without being certain he won't. It would be too dangerous for him, for everyone.

I try to blink the tears away and take a calming breath.

"Dad, please, I-" I start again, but he doesn't even listen to me anymore.

"No, Bella. I don't know what you're up to, but you better tell me right now before I start looking into it. I know you. I know you're not telling me the truth. What did you get yourself into?" He's in full cop mode now, and I know I'm losing the battle.

I knew it would be hard saying goodbye to him, I expected it. But I never thought I'd spend my last moments with my father fighting. I don't want him to be angry at me. I can't stand the thought of him thinking I'm a bad girl, that I'm in trouble; of him being disappointed in me.

The tears are spilling from my eyes; I almost can't breathe as the loud sobs overcome me.

"I can't tell you, Dad. Please," I beg hopelessly.

"What's going on? Tell me!" He yells at me, grabbing my arms forcefully, and my knees buckle as I'm still crying and gasping for air. He pulls me into his arms and I hold onto his shoulders, forcing my strangled voice to pronounce the words I need to say to him, for the last time.

"Dad, just listen to me, please." I plead, and he doesn't answer so I continue. "I love you."

"Bella," his voice cracks and I can feel his body tremble as much as mine.

"I love you so much," I continue with a raspy voice as the tears keep rolling down my cheeks, leaving a damp spot on his shoulder. "Thank you for everything you've ever done for me. Now there's only one thing you need to know: I'm fine, I'm happy, finally. I can't stay here, I can't pretend anymore when I'm only surviving, day after day. I have to move on. I need to leave behind what I used to be and become who I want to be. And for that I need to go, far away from here."

The last words are only a whisper as my voice is failing me, defeated by the painful sob threatening to overcome me again. He tightens his hold on me, his breathing slowing down a little, and I know he understands.

"I promise I'll be fine, and I'll call you, write to you; maybe I'll even come back in a while. But now I just need to leave." I know this is a lie, but I need him to think he hasn't lost me completely. And honestly, I want to believe it could come true.

"I know what I'm doing, Dad. You taught me well. Do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you. You're smart; I'm so proud of you, you know that, right?" I just nod as he pulls back to look into my eyes. I see his face and my hearts breaks. His eyes are full of tears, wet lines covering his cheeks, his features contorted in sadness. But I'd rather see that than leave him without ever knowing what happened to me, without saying goodbye.

"You were always so sad, and I didn't know how to make you smile. I couldn't…" he trails off, a new wave of tears silencing him.

"It's ok, Dad. I love you." I try to soothe him in vain, pulling him back into my arms.

"Promise me you'll be fine,' he whispers in my hair. "Promise me you'll be happy."

"I promise," I answer in a murmur, my voice cracking. "Daddy, I'm going to miss you, so much," I cry, and there's only one last word left to say. "Goodbye."

I hold onto him for a few more seconds before pulling away from his embrace. I turn around and walk out the door without looking back.

My heart hurts so much I can't breathe. I feel exhausted, empty.

Yet I keep in mind the reason for what I just did, and more than ever I know I made the right choice.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and head back to the car where Alice is waiting for me.

* * *

I relay to Edward my last words to my father as evenly as possible, but the tears are spilling from my eyes. He holds my body tightly pressed against his, his hand rubbing my back soothingly.

"I said goodbye," I repeat weakly, as if saying it again would make it hurt less.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, my angel," he whispers apologetically, wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

"I know you are."

He brings his fingers under my chin to tilt my face and kisses me softly on the lips, chastely. I feel the love in his kiss, in his touch, and I feel safer than I've ever felt.

After a long moment he pulls away slightly to look at me, his eyes boring into mine. His gaze holds so much adulation and tenderness that it almost takes my breath away.

"Bella, I'm going to ask you one more time, the last time; and I promise I'll do whatever you ask of me."

I just smile at him, I already know his question. Yet I understand why he needs to hear me to say it again.

He gently pulls my body down by the waist so that I'm lying against the pillows, and he's hovering over me. His golden eyes are glowing, the amber in them flowing like liquid fire, with just a slight hint of red. He's mesmerizing, and I'm completely spellbound.

"Bella Swan, will you grant me the great honor of being my mate for eternity?" He asks solemnly, his eyes full of hope and burning with anticipation.

"Yes," I whisper simply as he crushes his lips to mine.

* * *

_**A/N: That was a realy tough chapter to write, I hope I got it right!**_

_**Thanks to my amazing beta theotherbella who beta-ed this while she was on vacation. She's awesome!**_

_**I started a new story 'His Apartment'! It's very different from this one, more fun and sexier, if you want to read it ;)**_

_**Thanks to all of my lovely readers for being there and for all the reviews. Keep telling me what you think, I love hearing from you! 3**_


	20. Just the beginning

**Chapter 19 – Just the beginning **

**BPOV**

"Bella, I'm going to ask you one more time, the last time; and I promise I'll do whatever you ask of me."

I just smile at him. I already know his question, yet I understand why he needs to hear me to say it again.

He gently pulls my body down by the waist so that I'm lying against the pillows, and he's hovering over me. His golden eyes are glowing, the amber in them flowing like liquid fire, with just a slight hint of red. He's mesmerizing, and I'm completely spellbound.

"Bella Swan, will you grant me the great honor of being my mate for eternity?" He asks solemnly, his eyes full of hope and burning with anticipation.

"Yes," I whisper simply as he crushes his lips to mine.

He kisses me for a long moment, tenderly, then pulls away to look at me with a serious expression on his face.

"We have to talk about this," he says before taking a deep breath and sighing loudly.

"What? Again?" I exclaim loudly. "What is there left to talk about?" I'm ready to jump from the bed and start yelling at him for rendering this complicated again, but he doesn't give me time to move a finger before he speaks again.

"Bella," he admonishes in an exasperated growl. "Calm down, get dressed and meet me in the kitchen," he adds before stepping out of bed, getting dressed, throwing clothes in my direction and walking out of the bedroom so fast I can't say anything. I don't even bother trying to call him back, since he seems to have something in his mind that he really needs to discuss with me; and I'm rather curious to know what this important subject might be. I get out of bed as fast as I can, although not remotely as fast as him. I put on the boxers and t-shirt he threw at me, and a smug smile forms on my lips as I remember how all my clothes had been torn apart during last night's events.

I walk in the kitchen to see him pouring milk in a bowl of cereal, obviously for me. He notices the questioning look that must be evident on my face and explains to me without waiting for me to ask the question.

"I bought a few things for you, just in case. Even though we stayed at Carlisle's, I figured it was possible that you would wake up here again, for any reason," he explains, pausing for a second and looking at me from head to toe. "I should have thought of buying clothes, too," he adds teasingly, the same smug smile I was wearing a minute ago forming on his lips, too.

"Thanks," I answer impatiently, waiting for him to say what's on his mind.

"Sit down," he offers, motioning for me to take the bar stool while he leans against the counter, just like the first time I woke up here. I sit in front of him and start eating my bowl of cereal, because I know he won't talk until I have breakfast.

"To answer your previous question," he continues sweetly, looking at me tenderly, "there's only one thing left to talk about: when, where and how?" he asks, eying me cautiously, almost as if he was waiting for me to get scared and change my mind. But it won't happen.

"Ok," I reply confidently, looking him straight in the eye. "I was ready last night, so whenever you want. I haven't actually thought about all the logistics of it, but maybe at your family's house would be a good idea, that way Carlisle and Jasper would be there, just in case… As for the 'how', you're the one who's supposed to know that!" I exclaim playfully, showing him just how much I'm not going to backpedal. A small smile lifts the corners of his mouth as he answers.

"Bella, I'm going to be honest with you, I've waited for this moment for so long, I don't want to wait another minute," he declares sincerely, and I can see the impatience and eagerness in his eyes.

"Can I finish my breakfast, first?" I joke, and he bursts out laughing, the most melodic laugh I've ever heard.

"If you're ready," he answers more seriously, "I'd like to do this today," he asks. I just nod in response, ad he continues. "And, since I've been really selfish since I met you, I'd rather do it here, only you and me. Carlisle won't be far away, and I'm sure Alice will see if something might go wrong. I can warn them about what we decided, and they'll be ready to help if needed be," he explains his point of view very sweetly; I know this is important to him. And I trust him; I am deeply convinced that he will take care of me and of everything in the best way possible, given the circumstances.

"I agree with you, just you and me," I nod again and he takes a deep breath and exhales loudly in front of me, his expression turning very serious, almost pained and worried.

"Bella, when I said 'how', I meant that you need to know exactly how this is going to happen, you need to mentally prepare yourself," he warns in a grave tone.

I stop eating and look at him in the eye, ready to listen, steeling myself for the brutal explanation I'm not sure I want to hear. He doesn't wait for me to answer, he keeps talking without ever breaking eye contact, evidently trying to convey the gravity of the process, as well as his support and love for me.

"You need to know that it'll be extremely painful," he says softly, as if his tone of voice could soften the meaning of the words. "This will be the most horrible experience you'll ever go through; it will hurt even more than your mind can comprehend right now," he nearly whispers, waiting for my reaction; and visibly expecting me to panic. But I don't, I knew this wouldn't be easy, I knew it would hurt. As painful as it will be, it's worth it. I won't panic, now. I won't back down. So I just keep looking at him without saying a word.

"And," he continues, "you won't be yourself for some time, months. It'll take time for you to adjust to your new self. You'll want blood, human blood, and it'll be really hard to restrain from killing. Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"I am, Edward. I'm ready, for everything," I answer solemnly, desperately trying to reassure him.

Just as he's about to answer, we're startled by a soft knock on the door.

"It's Alice," he simply says as he walks towards the door, planting a small kiss on my forehead on his way.

"Hi Bella," she chimes as they both walk back in the kitchen. Edward's smile is back on his beautiful face, I think he's relieved that she's here, because she would tell him if this was too risky, if it wasn't the time, yet. But she doesn't seem worried at all.

She puts the suitcase she was holding on the floor, against the wall, and turns to me, giving me a hug. She pulls back, holding by the shoulders and studying my face carefully, and then my neck where Edward bit me.

"Are you ok?" She asks casually.

"Yes, I'm fine," I answer instantly as I run my finger along the bite mark without thinking.

"I knew you would be," she exclaims, her face suddenly lighting up. "I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of going back to your place to take a few thing I thought you might need," she explains, pointing to the suitcase on the floor, "since you won't be able to go back there in a while...apparently," she continues, throwing a mock death glare at Edward, and it only makes him smile wider. "Oh! And I brought this, too," she says taking out two envelopes of her jacket pocket and handing them to me. "I thought you'd want to keep those," she finishes in a sweet smile.

It's the letters Edward wrote to me, the ones in which he confessed the intensity of his love for me, and begging for me to understand him. I remember how I stormed out of his apartment, and believed he'd never change his entire lifestyle just for me. I was so mistaken. None of it matters anymore, but thinking it all occurred only a few weeks ago is something I still can't get my head around to.

"Thank you Alice, so much. It's really nice of you," I answer earnestly.

"Oh, please!" she waves her hand dismissively, "Apart from clothes and toiletries, the rest of the suitcase is packed with blood bags, that way you won't need to get out in the world right away."

"Is it human blood? Did Carlisle give you this?" Edward asks in disbelief, and I don't quite understand the cause of his surprise. We talked about how the change would feel, but Alice arrived before we could talk about the next step. I don't know how I'm supposed to feed once I'm turned.

Edward knows that I would never agree to hunt humans, no matter the situation; we fought enough about this subject, it almost kept us apart forever. I don't know if I'll be ready and capable of hunting wild animals immediately. I guess the blood bags make sense, even if it's human blood, nobody had to die for me to feed.

I don't have time to say a word before Alice answers the question.

"No, it isn't human blood. Carlisle thought that it would be easier for her to start with animal blood right away, like he did for Emmett," she starts, and Edward interrupts her.

"I agree, I don't want her anywhere near human blood. It'll be better if she never tastes it," he states firmly. I know he's acting in my interest; he knows I'd never surmount the guilt of killing a human being, and keeping me away from human blood lowers the risk of me craving it so much that I wouldn't resist.

"We thought so, too," Alice adds, "but since she probably won't have the same instinct for the hunt as Emmett, Carlisle thought it'd be easier for her to have the blood ready. Jasper and Emmett spent the night hunting and Carlisle helped them bleed the animals and retrieve the blood in small bags. I don't know the specifics of how they did that, but it's all there."

"Wow," I exclaim in astonishment, "I don't know what to say. Thank you," I add sincerely. Even after everything that happened in the past weeks, I'm still astounded and truly moved by what they're willing to do for me.

"You're welcome," she says dismissively again, as if all of their attentions were nothing. "We actually thought you would need it for today," she adds, pointing at the scar on my neck.

"She'll need it for tomorrow," Edward corrects, smiling at me tenderly, and I can't help but smile back.

"Yes!" Alice yells, clapping her hands. "So I'll leave you two to do what you have to do," she just about sings.

"You don't seem surprised, or worried…" Edward says, making it sound like a question.

"Surprised, no, I've known this would happen for years! You guys are so slow," she jokes. "And I know everything will be fine, so no need to worry. We will all be waiting for you at home, and we'll be there if you need us, which I already know you won't," she explains, trying to reassure Edward.

"Thank you, Alice. For everything," he says solemnly to his sister, and we all know he isn't referring to the suitcase or the blood. He's thanking her for everything she's done for him, for never giving up on him, and for bringing us together. We can never thank her enough for that, but we'll have the eternity to try.

"You're welcome, brother," she answers with a huge grin on her pretty face, her eyes sparkling. She's about to turn around and leave when Edward grabs her wrists to hold her back.

"Alice, what did you see?"

"I saw you happy, Edward," she answers in a sigh, finally getting off her chest the words she'd been holding back for decades. "Happy, with a beautiful brunette girl with golden-brown eyes. You were smiling and laughing and so obviously in love with her," she continues and turns her gaze to me. "I saw it long before I ended up in the same classroom as her in College," she chuckles before looking back at Edward. "I was a little taken aback when I realize that the woman who would make you so happy was still human, that's why I waited for things to happen naturally. But years passed, and…" she trails off, looking at the floor, and a memory of Alice the first night she talked to me in the restaurant flashes through my mind. I remember the pain and suffering I witnessed in her eyes that night, and I understand why she couldn't wait any longer.

Edward releases her wrist only to grab her and encircle her completely with his arms. He whispers "Thank you, Alice" before letting go of her tiny body. She smiles at us and takes me in her arms before exiting the room, and the apartment.

We stare at each other for a moment, smiling, conveying in our stare all the love we feel for each other. Suddenly he chuckles and drops his eyes to the floor.

"What?" I ask curiously, and laugh quietly because it's so rare to see Edward uncomfortable, he looks adorable right now.

"It's a little odd to plan this, I should have turned you last night," he answers jokingly. "How do you feel?"

"I feel good, I feel safe," I assure him, walking towards him until I'm in his arms. "I can't wait for the next part of my existence, with you. I never thought I would be so sure of this, but I am. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to be with you for the rest of eternity. This may be an end, but in fact it's only the beginning," I confess softly.

"I love you, so much," he whispers against my lips as he bends down to kiss me.

"I love you, too."

He leaves another tender kiss on my lips before he turns away and grabs the suitcase that Alice left on the floor. He lifts it and puts it on the table in front of us, looking at me cautiously from the corner of his eye before opening it. We both stare at the contents without saying a word; the suitcase is filled with blood, with only a few clothes. After a few seconds of silence, Edward finally turns his stare in my direction, eyeing me hesitantly.

"If there's anything that you're not comfortable with, please tell me," he offers, and I still have the odd impression that he expects me to back down. All I can do to reassure him, is tell him the truth.

"Honestly, this is disgusting," I concede, "but I know I'll need it tomorrow, so…I'm fine."

He just nods, and I can tell he's relieved that this isn't enough to change my mind. Nothing would be. He kisses me affectionately again, and then swiftly takes all the blood bags and puts them in the fridge. I take the yoga pants and a t–shirt Alice brought and walk to the bathroom to change. As I look at myself in the mirror, I suddenly realize that I don't need to prepare myself for this, I don't need to steel myself for the pain. I have no more questions about what will the change feel like, or how will my life be afterwards. I just know this is the path I was meant to follow, by his side; and deep down I've known since the first time I saw him.

I walk back to the living room and he's there, waiting for me.

**EPOV**

I've lived for more than a century, but the last twenty-four hours of my existence were the most intense I've ever lived. Being forced to leave Bella again, even though it was only to hunt, was heartbreaking. I know I left her under the protection of my family, and Rosalie isn't one to be messed with, but I still feared for her safety. The look on Bella's face as she watched me leave made me feel incredibly guilty. I know I made her so sad, even if involuntarily, like all those moments when she wanted to get closer to me, to be in my arms, and I had to push her away, to reject her. An angel like her should never have to experience rejection.

I tried to clear my head from that thought as I was hunting. I attempted to focus on the reason I had to leave her side, so that I could return sated and hold her in my arms, kiss her without any risk of losing control. But it instantly all rushed back to my mind as I saw her walk inside the house with Alice, silent. I thought for sure that this situation was too much to bear for her, that it wasn't worth the pain; that I wasn't worth it. Especially compared to the quiet life she would have with her father. I truly thought I had lost her when we got back to my apartment, but I didn't.

She surrendered to me, offered herself to me, body and soul, and made me the happiest creature that ever lived. That much happiness and relief was almost too much to stand, so much that I lost control, finally. I know I didn't take her; I just let her take me, release me of any restrain I had struggled so hard to maintain. I gave her exactly what she asked of me, what she wanted; everything.

Holding her naked body in my arms, so close to me, being inside of her and drinking her blood was such a powerful feeling, unrealistic, indescribable. And I even had the chance to see her wake up in my arms afterwards, sighting contentedly and smiling. I never thought I would be strong enough not to hurt her, but I was, and I know it's all because of her, because of her trust in me. She's the most wonderful creature that exists, and she's mine. How I could have ever deserved someone like her, I wonder.

She's so determined, none of the horrible events that occurred in the past weeks made her walk away from me. She's stronger than anybody I know; enough to make that decision, enough to say goodbye to her father, to her human life. For me.

She talks about being turned as if it was just a detail when she knows exactly the pain and suffering she'll have to endure. She didn't flinch when she looked at the blood bags Alice brought for her. She's planning this as if it was the most natural thing for us to go through.

Now she's in the bathroom getting dressed, and I wait for her in the living room, trying hard not to pace like a beast in a cage. In a minute, maybe even less, she'll come back, ready to be mine for the rest of her existence. I'm already hers, I've been since the first time I saw a flash of her face in my mind.

I can never thank Alice enough for what she did that night.

I hear her tiny footsteps approaching, and I freeze. This is it, this is happening. I kept thinking that at some point she would change her mind. I fought so hard to win her over, but I never truly believed that I would succeed. But now she's here, in front of me, and she's about to commit to me in the most extreme way possible.

She's standing a few feet away from me, waiting for me to go to her. Our eyes lock and nothing else in the world exists anymore but her. She smiles at me sweetly and opens her mouth to talk, hesitating for a split second, and closes it. There's nothing left to say; we both know what we want, where we are, and what's left to do. No need to discuss any of it anymore, no need to wait any longer. There's only her and I, for eternity.

I slowly walk to her, my eyes never leaving hers, and stop in front of her. My body is mere inches from hers. I savor the sound of her breathing and her heart beating, the warmth of her body next to mine. Tomorrow it will all be gone, but I'll have all eternity to appreciate her smooth porcelain skin, the rich golden color of her eyes, and the sweet taste of her lips without any fear of hurting her.

**BPOV**

His body is so close to mine, his stare boring into mine. He's towering over me, and I can feel the electricity running between us. I let myself drown in the golden color of his deep gaze and the magnetic pull brings me even closer to him. There's nothing else in the world but him, nothing exists anymore. I don't remember whether it's day or night anymore, and I don't care. I can only see him, his eyes, everything seems dark around us. We're alone in our bubble, just like the first time he approached me on the street. I don't think this feeling will ever fade, not even in a hundred years.

He brings his hands to mine and grazes his fingertips along my arms, up to my shoulders, and then my neck. He softly strokes my jaw with his thumb, and bends down to leave a tender kiss on my lips. I melt in his arms, once again surrendering completely to the feeling of his lips on mine, of his smell surrounding me. I'm more than ever intoxicated by him, I'm lost in him.

He pulls back slightly, locking his eyes on mine again. As if our bodies were one, I move back just when he walks closer to me, effectively forcing me to walk backwards to the bedroom. His eyes never leave mine as he slides his hands down to my hips and keeps leading me until I'm standing next to the bed. He pushes me gently, slowly onto the bed so that I'm lying on my back and he's on top of me.

I'm completely spellbound by the intensity of his stare, the love and veneration I see so clearly in them. I'm about to die, yet I've never felt so safe and protected in my entire life.

I don't move, I let him set the pace. I trust him. I surrender completely to him, giving myself to him, literally.

There's no hint of interrogation in his eyes, no doubt; and in mine either. Our entire bodies, our souls are connected; we just know on instinct how to proceed.

I smile at him tenderly, invitingly, and he flashes his crooked smile at me, his eyes suddenly teasing and playfully hungry. I chuckle softly and his crashes his lips to mine into a passionate kiss. I slide my hands to his hair and tangle my fingers in his locks as he brings his hand to my hair, resting the other on my hip. He grabs a fistful of my brown curls, not to forcefully, and breaks the kiss. My heart starts racing as his traces small kisses along my cheek to my ear, and then down my neck. I'm already panting, not from fear, but from anticipation, and a small growl rumbles in his throat.

I feel my vein pulsing under his lips, the blood racing so fast, and I can't take it anymore, I want him to take me. He parts his lips slightly and I can feel his breath on my warm skin.

"I love you, Bella," he whispers before sinking his teeth slowly into my skin.

I gasp as his hands grip my hip and my hair tightly, his tongue lapping at the blood pouring out of my vein, sucking at my neck. My heart is galloping, my nails scratching his scalp, bringing him even closer, pushing his mouth to my throat.

After only a few seconds of pure, unadulterated bliss, I feel my limbs start to go numb and my heart is ready to explode. In a last sharp intake of breath, I screw my eyes shut and grab onto his hair as hard as I can.

"I love you, Edward," is all I can scream before the ecstasy overcomes me and it all goes black.

I was made for him, and I belong to him, for eternity.

_THE END_

* * *

**A/N: Thank you so much to all of you for not giving up on me and this story, even if it took me a while to finish it ...promised you I would ;)**

**It's been a bliss sharing this you, your support and your reviews really means a lot to me.**

**Huge thanks to my faithful beta theotherbella, I learned a lot thanks to her, and she was always there for me when I needed her. I could've never done this without her support!**

**This story is finished, but I'll keep writing. I hope you'll all be there to share a new story with me! I'm going back to the other story I started: "His apartment"... Hope to see you there ;)**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you so much...and please tell me what you think!**


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